so, i was really thinking it was over and that things could just fade away, and everyone involved could move on to be happier, healthier, people. but apparently not, because @thearcadialedger / lettersfromxadia posted this.
so i might as well out myself and say that yeah, i am the “cruel and unaccepting” ‘friend’ who blocked her over a personal & political disagreement, and fully intended to keep the entire thing to myself, until now. and here’s why.
1) anyone who’s followed me knows that first and foremost, i take curation of my internet experience very seriously. as i should; it’s my responsibility first and foremost to make sure i’m not continually exposing myself to things that are upsetting. i follow around 200 people on tumblr, period. i unfollow regularly because i can still reblog the content i want from someone by checking the main tags for the content i want to see. i block profusely; terfs, aphobes, people with fandom opinions i’m very tired of seeing, etc. sometimes even pre-emptively. why not cut off a negative interaction before it can begin, like blocking aphobes ahead of time so i never have to see them in the ace tag more than once, right? my dashboard, my responsibility.
2) at the end of the day, i have to be my first priority. that is not to say that i never put other people’s feelings over my own or prioritize people over myself. i do, regularly. i have been the therapist friend on more than one occasion. but staying in relationships or friendships that are not mutually beneficial is putting someone else ahead of myself and at immense detriment to myself.
3) i do not have to entertain (or respect) every single viewpoint in experience. as a queer woman, i do not have to debate or tolerate people who are scarily homophobic. as a white woman, i need to get rid of my white fragility and listen to the people of colour around me, both friend and stranger, regardless of how uncomfortable it may make me.
what happened with thearcadialedger was we had, in my eyes, a friendly acquaintanceship over a series of 4-5 or so months. (i would not call that longterm.) she wanted to get her blog(s) off the ground and i was happy to help and offered promos. she asked if i would join her on her podcast and i offered to bring another fandom friend along as well. i repeatedly had to talk her out of self loathing spirals and be an emotional therapist. my attempts to offer emotional support were repeatedly shut down and ignored and we quickly found ourselves in a cycle in which my own mental health suffered. i offered advice both emotionally and in a fandom perspective. whenever i reminded her that having fun over followers was the most important, and that internal validation was crucial, she flat out ignored me and said things like “yeah but you already have a following” as though 1) tumblr clout is real (it isn’t) and 2) like i hadn’t already built that from the ground up over a 2+ year timespan and that my work/effort was somehow worth less just because it had ‘worked’. she consistently wanted more validation and attention (which, fair, because everyone wants those things, but) in a way and with a mindset that was decidedly unhealthy as it was something she was pouring a lot of self worth into.
she blocked me for a brief stint because i was reblogging things (on my main) that criticized negative aspects of cultural christianity and then had to explain to her, once she had unblocked me, that 1) i don’t hate christians and i was raised as one, and 2) critique of something she belongs to is not a personal attack on her. 53% of white women voted for donald trump. white women (the demographic i belong to) is the demographic i hate the most on a political (societal) level. i am a canadian liberal; that means american liberals are like our centrists.
then, one day around 2ish months ago if i recall correctly, thearcadialedger reblogged something related to black lives matter protests. i cannot remember the post, but i do remember it being the last straw. we had disagreed in the past over gun laws (ex: she didn’t have a problem with guns and i am very anti gun - particularly because it’s easier to smuggle guns into canada from the usa which also puts us, a country with firm gun control, at risk).
this post, however, was reblogged from right wing conservatives, condemning the protests as violent. she also reblogged and added a comment along the lines of “my thoughts and prayers to all those negatively affected by the protests, as well as the protesters.” ie. my thoughts and prayers to cops, ie. property damage is more important than black lives, ie. the protesters who are protesting police brutality and being gunned down by cops at those protests are an afterthought. and it wasn’t a one time thing, either.
i was like, alright, this relationship already isn’t positive to me, this is a shitty political opinion, i don’t feel like being an educator, and if i talk to her beforehand she’ll probably try to either guilt me or berate me, neither of which i want. so it was time to block and leave.
she then proceeded to repeatedly shit talk me and drag me through the mud to a mutual we both shared and a friend of mine, saying that my dislike of conservatives and their policies was the same as threatening to kill her and her family and that i had told her to kill herself (both of which i had absolutely done no such thing). she called me a bigot, among other nasty names. but again, the most concerning things were her political opinions and own defensiveness, which came out in full force.
she said things (and have said them in the past to me) that indicates that she, a white girl, truly and honestly considers conservatives to be her “people,” that conservatives face oppression here and in real life, and that people are “privileged to be a liberal on this site” and she couldn’t “expect [people who are actually oppressed] to understand or know” what that feels like. that it was bigoted of me to dislike and be frustrated with a group of people who have repeatedly campaigned against the rights of black people, women, women of colour, against abortion, and queer rights. and i do have proof of all these statements saved as screencaps, if push comes to shove.
i was understandably angry, frustrated, and done, when she reached out to me again. i responded in an attempt to give closure but at her cherry picking and dodging (refusal to answer whether she disagreed with ACAB, for example; or confirmation that she may vote third party in the 2020 election and have a hand in dooming the country to another four years of tr*mp) i lost my patience and cut ties again.
she then went on another stream of shit talking to the same friend of mine as before, and then reached out to another loved one of mine here on tumblr (who she Knew i was close to) with friendliness in an attempt to, i can only imagine, somehow cozy up to that loved one in attempt to dig her way into my life again.
conservatives regularly lose their shit when more liberal family members cut them out of their lives, not understanding why the political is the personal 99/100. she got upset because i no longer wanted to speak to someone who calls themselves a conservative and a republican in 2020.
she then made a post where she could be taken seriously by leaving me anonymous, as well as collect pity and reassurance by victimizing and martyring herself. she had outright admitted that due to my ‘followers’ a public post against me wouldn’t go well. even though, even when i had apparently been a terrible, awful, horrible person to her, she was requesting that she still be able to reblog, like, and support my content. in what world does that compute, if the goal is anything other than ‘clout’?
so yeah, i reached my breaking point, washed my hands of the whole thing, and moved on in a way that would continue to improve my own mental health. there is nothing wrong in leaving a dissatisfying or harmful relationship/friendship, nor is there in cutting out negativity and dissenting political opinions that are extremely personal to the people who’s very existences are considered political. you are not responsible for anyone else’s emotional wellbeing at the expense of your own.
nor can you be a conservative and support conservative policy without also supporting homophobic or racist policy. full stop. and god knows that libs and dems aren’t perfect either (with a lot of less blatant, maybe, but just as insidious antisemitism in particular) but at least they try and be marginally progressive a decent amount of the time. they’re not trump and his literal nazis in the white house.
if you’re conservative and this bothers you, great. go. if you still wanna reblog thearcadialedger’s content, go for it. i don’t care. just don’t send anyone hate or cruel messages. that’s not what this is about and if you send hate to anyone, you are an asshole.
and i’m not posting any of this for reassurance, praise, or any sort of response, but merely to set the record straight and to get out what i wanted to say about a situation i was a part of. in conclusion, as i think we’ve learned by now: i will never start shit, but i will always finish it.
