District 5 || A Change of Heart
Districts 3 and 4 go by in a blur and suddenly I find myself in District 5, Victory’s District. As soon I step off the train, my chest feels tight. I can’t be here. I walk into the justice building only to find that they’re running late. They put me in a small room and tell me to wait. I sit down in a comfy looking chair and wonder if this is the room where Victory said her goodbyes. Victory. I hadn’t thought about her since the recap of the games with Caesar. In fact, I hadn’t thought about anyone. I find it easier to just not think. I’m able to cope with the pain if I ignore the fact that it’s there.
I’m staring at the ceiling, trying to distract myself when all of the sudden I hear the door creak open. My head snaps down immediately, but I’m not prepared for what I find; for who I find. I watch as a tall brown-haired boy slips through the doorway. He closes it behind him cautiously. Clearly he is not supposed to be here. “You.” He says though labored breaths. He brings his green eyes up to meet my brown ones. I know those eyes. It takes me a moment to place them, but then it hits me. “Fabrice.” I say, standing up. Victory captured him perfectly in her drawings, down to every last detail. She always had been good at that.
For a moment we just stare at each other, taking one another in. Then finally, Fabrice breaks the silence. “You shouldn’t be here you know.” He says in whisper that is barley audible. “It should be her.” He looks up at me with tear-filled eyes. “She was supposed to come back. She was supposed to win.” It’s clear his having trouble composing himself now. The tears fall steadily, staining the carpet with small droplets of water. “How is it fair that you get to go home; that you get to be happy?” He steps closer to me now, angry. “While I have to sit and wait for a girl who’s never coming back.” He looks up at me, challenging me to respond.
I stare at him as he goes on his rant, letting him have his say because he deserves it. Closing my eyes for a moment, I decide it’s time I defend myself. “Never mistake what I have for happiness.” I say, in a cold voice that sends a shiver down the boy’s spine. “I’m surviving, not living out some happy ending. There’s a difference.” I look up at him with stone cold eyes. “Is that why you came here?” I ask, stepping forward. “To let me know just how much you hate me.” He bites his lip. “No.” He replies. For the first time since he’s entered the room I notice a piece of paper in his hand. He clutches it tightly for a moment before looking back up at me. “I found this in her sketchbook. They sent it home with her things.” He adds looking away. “I just thought you should have it.” He holds out his hand and hesitantly I take the paper from him. It’s a drawing; of me. I’m sitting against my favorite pine tree, the one back in 12. I recall telling her that during one of our late night talks; how much I loved that place. Even though she had never been there, every detail is perfect, from the shading of the bark to the knots in the wood. The tightness in my chest returns and suddenly I’m finding it hard to breath. The boy in this picture isn’t a bloodthirsty killer; he’s not the damaged heartbroken boy from District 12 either. This was a boy full of love, kindness, and just a little bit of sadness. This was the boy who fought for his best friend, his family, his lover; the boy who made those around him smile; who would do anything for a friend. This was Victory’s Jeb. As I hold the paper up to the light I notice something, writing coming through from the back. I turn it over to find a handwritten note. Sitting down in the chair, I read.
If you’re reading this, it’s because I’m dead. This is the fourth letter I’ve written today. One for my mom, Link, and Fabrice; everyone in my life who I thought needed some closure. Even as I’m writing this, I hope you never have to open it. I hope my death was not painful and I made as long as I could. I promised you I would fight until my last breath. And you know why. You know for whom. And thanks you for making me realize that I loved him. I don’t even know why I’m writing to you. But I’m scared right now and every time I was scared or sad talking to you helped me focus and be stronger. So I’m sorry if everything seems confusing, but it feels right to write you something. Part of me wishes you never have to read these words which will be my last to you. Because I want to live, go back to my district marry Fabrice and have kids with him. But part of me wants you to read it because it will mean that you have made it. A world without you, Jeb is an incomplete world. And I know you will win if I don’t, you’re the strongest among us. I don’t know how you got an 11, but I’m proud of your score. Your district isn’t loved over Panem. Time that you show how awesome District 12 can be. I’ve never been there, but if it’s where you came from, I’m sure it’s a wonderful place.
I don’t know if you realize how much you’ve meant to me this past week. From a stranger who creeped me out a little after the parade to the best friend I could have ever wished for, you helped me more than you know. Not only to have a less sucky week of learning how to fight in the arena. I know you think I was there for you when things with Coral blew up, but you were there for me more than you think. Without you I would never have realized how much I love Fabrice and how stupid I was to go away from him. Without you I would never have had the conversation with Link that made me realize I could never forgive him for what he did to River, but that I don’t hate him anymore. Without you I would never had the courage to talk and make peace with my mom. Without you I would probably have stayed the same old silly girl, blinded by a vendetta too big for her that she lost herself the moment she left her district.
When I volunteered, I never saw you coming. And I will never be the same.
You know how I feel about Eames, but I know you love him. And if you didn’t like Fabrice I know you would have probably shut your mouth and let me enjoy his presence and be in love. I hope he knows how much you love him. I’m happy that, by the end of the week, you’ve finally accepted who you are. Even if it’s Eames that made you realize it, it’s okay, because you can be free from this thing that was holding you inside. And don’t ever, for one second think that you can be fixed, because you were never broken. I know it kills you that he chose Olive. And we both understand why; she’s a sweetheart and really pretty. But never think that he didn’t choose you because you were not good for him. You are ten times better than Olive, he just couldn’t feel that way about you. I hope that in the arena, Eames will not get into your skin so bad that you will lose yourself. My biggest fear it that he played with your feelings to kill you, or make you do things that you don’t want. I know if you read those words it will be too late to change anything, but I hope with all my heart that you will not focus on him during the game, but on you. You have the tendency to forget yourself to make the people around you happy, but now it’s your turn to be happy; to think of yourself; of winning. You have a life outside the games, a family that loves you, don’t forget that either. But if you die, I want you to die for you. Not for him or for Olive. Because before them you were something Jeb. And something great. Don’t forget that.
Love is a ruthless game unless we play it good and right. And it’s a hard price to pay. So please try to find someone. I never said forget him. Your first love is always hard to forget. But try to be with someone who makes you feel loved, who makes you feel special, who makes you feel like you’re worth something big and bright. Find someone who wants you. Don’t lose yourself in meaningless sex to fill and empty a hole in your heart like I did. Because it was the worst decision of my life. Jeb you are a great man. And you deserve to be loved. Never think any differently.
Ok let’s face it, we both know we were totally stupid to sleep together. Our friendship became stronger the day you admitted you were gay and the same night we did it. Are we stupid or what? Hah. But you know what? I don’t regret anything. Yes, it was wrong. But in the end it’s what kept me sane, it was a feeling I know I will hold onto in the arena if loneliness strikes me; just closing my eyes right now and feeling your arms around me already makes me feel alright. Because even if I fucked up big time this week, you never stopped loving me, you were always there for me. You were a true friend. And yes, to escape our pain we slept together, three awesome times, but that’s not what I will think the most when I think of you. I will think of our nights playing chess, our laughter in the dark at midnight, your hand squeezing mine when I talked about Fabrice, my finger on your chin when you talked about Eames. You were my painkiller. With you everything was bearable, even loosing River and seeing Link in training. You were there, and it’s all that matters at the end of the day, at the end of my life. My mom knows everything about us. I told her that we weren’t lovers, which I lied about to be sure you had somewhere to sleep every night since you didn’t want to go into your suite. She know I slept with you because I was trying to forget Fabrice like you were trying to forget Eames. And she knows that even if we did that, it only made whatever kind of love we had grow stronger. She’s okay with it. Cause she told me she has never seen me smile that much without Fabrice around, that you were something good for me. Yes, this is what I will remember. Not the sex (Which again, I must mention was great) but everything else around us.
But know one thing; if I win, I will never forget you. You were not my first love. Fabrice was. But it feels like it sometimes. I think maybe if I hadn’t been born a girl, we could have been something more than friends. Wait no, you were something more than a friend. You were my almost lover. We were almost lovers. Yes, I think it’s the best description we could have for what we had.
I love you, to the moon and back.
Be safe, be strong I know you can. I believe in you.
For the first time since the games, I feel a tear roll down my cheek. Another one follows and suddenly I can’t control myself. I lean over the letter, tears spilling out, staining it. Even in death, Victory is the one to bring me back. She always had the ability to save me when no one else could. The sound of the doorknob turning breaks me out of my trance. I look up just in time to see Fabrice about to step out the door. “Wait.” I croak, standing up. “Wait.” He turns back, looking rather unconvinced, but something is my eyes must change his mind because after staring at me for a moment he slowly closes the door behind him.
“I’m sorry.” I hear myself say. “For everything.” I pause for a moment, but then the words start pouring out and I can’t stop them. “If it were up to me she would be the one standing here.” I begin, clenching my fists. “I never wanted any of this. I wanted her to have her chance at happiness. I wanted her to be with you.” He’s looking at me now, trying to gauge my sincerity. “I’ll never forgive myself for letting her die, but that doesn’t change what happened. In the end, she’s the one who moved on and we’re both stuck here. That’s just something we’re going to have to live with.” I turn my gaze to the floor, unable to look at him any longer. “Go ahead and hate me. Just know that I didn’t want this.”
We stand in silence for a moment before he speaks up again. “Did you love her?” The words cut through the silence. His voice is laced with hurt and betrayal. I know that voice; it’s the one I used when I asked Olive the same question. I pause for a moment before responding. “Yes.” I say. “In my own way, but it wasn’t the same kind of love the two of you shared.” I walk up to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. “She may have had a hard time showing it, but just know one thing; Her heart always belonged to you. Even if she didn’t realize it until it was too late.”
He’s trying to frown, but a smile crosses his lips. “Now I know what she saw in you.” He says, wiping the tears from his eyes. “You’re one of those people who make it really hard to be mad at them, huh?” I smile, and it’s not the fake stage smile put on for the capitol, it’s a genuine one. “I guess I do.” I say with a laugh. He looks up at me again. “I’m sorry for attacking you like that.” He says, but I shake my head brushing it off. “It’s fine.” I say. “It’s not.” He retorts. “I wanted to be mad at you but I should be thanking you really.” I glance at him curiously. “You fought for her.” He says, swallowing back the tears. “You were willing to give up your life for her.” He steps closer to me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “You obviously meant a lot to Victory and I guess she must have meant a lot to you too. If she couldn’t win, I’m glad you did.” He gives me a weak smile. “Thank you for trying to save her.” He whispers. “I guess, in a way you kind of saved me too.” He pulls back and looks into my eyes. “When Victory left for the games-“ He breaks off, clearly going back to that moment. “I didn’t know what I was to her.” He gives a sad smile. “But then she met you, and something changed. If it wasn’t for you, I’m not sure she would have ever realized she loved me.” I can see the tears beginning to well up again. I try to say something, but he just shakes his head. “Thank you.” He repeats. And with that, he slips back out of the room as quietly as he came.
By the time they finally call me up to the stage, I’m a wreck. It’s all I can do to hold myself together. This was all much easier when I didn’t care. This time when I stand on that stage to give my speech, it’s not just another routine. I say my bit about Atlas, but when it comes time for Victory, I set down the notecards Hadrian handed me and instead I just start talking. “When I first came into the games I was broken, I was alone. Even though I wasn’t really, on the inside it always felt that way. But then I met Victory.” I pause for a moment, thinking of her. “She was the first person who really saw me. Victory was a brave fighter; a strong person; stronger then she even knew. In the end, I wanted her to be the one standing here, but I can’t change what happened. Instead I’m going to try my best not to waste the last gift she gave me, my life. That’s the only way left to honor her now.” I glance down at the box where he family sits and I give her mother an apologetic smile. It’s all I can do to not burst into tears again.
As I turn to leave the stage, I catch Fabrice out of the corner of my eye. I watch him as he curls his hand into a fist and places it over his heart. At first I’m confused, but then Victory’s mother follows suit, then her father, and soon practically the entirety of District 5 seems to be saluting me. I close my eyes and think of District 12; of our salute. Back home, when someone raises their fingers, it’s a gesture of sadness, of mourning. But this isn’t like that. Instead I feel like they’re telling me ‘be strong, don’t lose heart’. And in that moment, I vow to myself that I’ll try.
