#jeka vents

[subjectfirebrand]

Suddenly getting hit with the paranoia beam and I am thinking:

"Oh no, everyone (secretly) hates me ... Why am I even on Tumblr? Why do I spend so much time on it, when it could realistically all be taken away from me and forcefully deleted against my will? Like.. what if someone deletes it for me? What if Tumblr shuts down? What if all my work dissapears? AND Do I need to have that seperate sideblog for selfshipping, or do I continue posting it here on main? My friends haven't spoke to me in a while, I hope they're okay– GASP what if they HATE me!!!?? What if everyone hates me? What if nobody likes having me around?? Then what if I'm seen as an attention seeker for saying this?. What if this happens? What if that happens? .WHAT IF?? All of the 'What If's' !!! "

[jekastar]

My 'Slime Jeka' persona × Zinoviy / Greyscale.

I imagine Zinoviy would help with my self-esteem and my poor view of myself and my body.

Tag list! : @ender-girl-13 , @nathyr699 , @aprillilypegasi , @erikslover , @mrs-goemio , @w1reface , @mia-ships ,

Note: Hi, this is @enerjekafreak 's sideblog. I wanted to share this art with you all, but not on my main blog. So here it is! I hope you all don't mind me using my tag list for this one.

[subjectfirebrand]

VENT

I'm sorry everybody, for me being too weird and not normal and hard to socialise with. there must be something very very wrong with me

I am sorry to everyone who has to deal with me and my bullshit antics. I'm sorry for being too enthusiastic and too weird and too talkative or not talkative enough. I am sorry for bring scatterbrained and stupid and annoying and bad. I am always either too much or not enough. I am a fuck up

[subjectfirebrand]

Period talk. And a rant about my dad being controlling and judgemental about medication.

For a few years now, I have wanted to try birth control meds or other methods to stop my period. But... my dad is firmly against medication and he ALSO says it is "unnatural for a woman to not have periods" .

:-/

As for other medication: I have mental health medication that I must take, and he dislikes me having them. But he "allows it" because the professionals forced me to have them back when I was in the hospital.

But because period-stopping meds are considered "optional" for me, I highly doubt he will let me go and get them.

It's ridiculous. It is my body, my choice, and I am 23 years old! But nope! My old father in his 70s is against me having the meds.

He is a controlling, STUBBORN, bias, opinionated, overprotective, temperamental, guy.

It is MY CHOICE. I am my own person. I have the right to go and get help for this.

But is it worth the arguments and problems that will arise in our household?

He probably will not let it go. I can imagine he will throw backhanded statements at me, act passive agressive, and even yell at me for this choice.

[subjectfirebrand]

TW: I guess this might be sorta horrible to read and imagine for some people, so caution reading the below text. I never know what is okay to say or not, so I play it safe and say "content warning".

I am currently feeling like a horrible wreckage of a creature, with some rotten putrid mush (that was once organs) stewing in the frame that is my body. I don't feel too connected to being a person or human right now.

Also known as: I am in Alex Mercer (from the prototype game) and Visitor Jeka/Feliks Kin mode .

I am "cringe" but I don't care at this moment in time! I don't care! I did a poll months ago asking if people mind if I post this sorta stuff on my main blog and most people voted that it's fine for me to post this sorta stuff. Sooooooo—

Song of the day below this!!! :

If I turn out to not be kin with them after all this time, then I sure as hell am an otherlinker or copinglinker instead. But I think/believe I am kin with Enerjeka/Feliks.

Lyrics: "Now I'm considered ugly from every angle" Same here, dude.

BUT MY handsome men Evgeny and Zinvoiy adore me even though I am sorta ugly or average-looking, so IDGAFFFFFFF.

KATYA LOVES ME, TOO, SO FUCK YEAH!!!! :D

Slight vent, if you can call it one: Shout out to that one woman who called me ugly on a few occasions (along with a handful of other insults) and she hadn't ever even saw my face, lmao. I get the feeling she disliked me and had it out for me, and she didn't even know me that well at all.

[jekastar]

I realise I'm using the internet and doomscrolling as a way of escapism. As a way to distract from my problems.

I need to sleep. It's late.