Merm.
March 28th, 2017 at 2:59 p.m.
Mermaid. I miss you so much.
Things are so different now that your gone. I know you thought rain would still fall, the seasons will still change, the sun will still set and rise. That moms and dads will still be married and children will still go to school. People will still go on dates, people will still walk down the boardwalk together. Everyone would carry on with their lifes. And your right. But the world feels so empty to try and enjoy any of those things, my heart aches every day.
My tears fall harder than rain at the simple thought of you not being around anymore.
You are my beautiful sweet angel mermaid, and Gucci loves you so much.
I had a dream the other night where none of this even happened. And all I could do was cry because your okay
I told you we thought you were dead and that we never made your funeral and i cried every night because of that and i cried twice as hard because I was always hoping that when you died you knew that Gucci and Johnny boy love you very much and will.miss you terribly. I told you how I dreamt of you still being around every night. I told you how me and Johnny were always waiting to see you riding you chopper around town.
God dammit merm.
I woke up and things weren't different.
They weren't okay.
I've never lost a close friend merm.
I've never lost family.
I've never lost anybody I generally love.
Not like this.
In such a bad time.
In such a bad way.
My heart hurts so bad. And im so unable to cope with things.
And you always helped.
I was close and comfortable with you. I could talk to.you about anything and you understood.
You knew just what to say.
And how to make it better.
Talk me out of dying.
And I just dont think I could ever show enough appreciation or thank you enough.
But I struggle so bad that your gone now.
I try to think about what you'd tell me and its just not the same.
And Johnny doesn't understand. Nor would he even care to hear it. Honestly.
He hasn't been there like you and I. You know?
I guess these things happen. Im not too steady on getting professional help because it doesn't... Help. It really doesnt help. Its not what I need.
I need someone who understands.
That can relate.
That feels open enough for me to step into and share things. And maybe open up back.
No one understands us. Or our struggle, the pain we hold inside us.
Its mutual.
But I know.
How your always walking with me uptown every day, every where, pain free.
I know you feel no pain.
I know your always smoking with me. Always in the back seat of Johnny's car. I feel you everywhere around me.
You left this world behind and I miss you so dearly, but I can hear the echoes of you.
Love peace and chicken grease buddy ❤️
Also I found this picture of us! And its my favorite seriously!!
January 13th, 2018 at 2:58 p.m.
Oh god.
Merm i miss you.
Please come back.
Youre the only one on this earth who ever understood my sadness
My anxiety.
They've both gotten so out of control.
And Johnny doesnt understand.
Please come back please.
Sing me my Gucci song.
"Fuck with my gucci & ill make you see, a life of pain & misery
My gucci is my heart
My love & joy
Fuck with her & ill make your head my dogs toy"
Its not a slow song no.
But it it was my song from you.
I can't stop talking about you like youre still around.
I know you thought your life was worthless merm but it wasnt merm you weren't worthless you meant the world to me & you still do.
I think about you all the time.
January 24th, 2018 at 11:14 p.m.
I wish you were here so bad.
I just know that youre so much happier where you are now and the cold doesnt hurt your bones anymore.
& i know that if you could hear me right now like our world's were separated by & invisible wall youd tell me that you knew we loved you & Thats why you wanted to die. You'd cry & scream & tell me not to cry and wish you could hug me.
Im falling apart so much all at once and the only person that understands is someone that johnny thinks is toxic & hes usually right about most things but i just don't think it's right about this one
And i just wish i could call you.
And you'd say "lets blaze" and id come over.
We'd have a good time.
Sing me your rap songs one more time.
"5 minutes by Kcamp"
This was one of our favorites because it had my name in it.
Gucci loves you so much mermaid.
July 8th, 2018 at 11:46 p.m.
Hey merm.
I just wanted to tell you that i think about you every day. Not a day goes by where youre not on my mind at least once. I know youre doin hoodrat shit somewhere, and that youre not in pain anymore. But i wish you were here.
Higbee, johnny and i all got an apartment together. Johnnys been dope free for over a year now, hes had one or two slip ups but other than that hes doing so great! We all miss you more than you could ever know, and i know you're always around even though youre not here, i feel you next to me all the time.
We got a cat too. His name is Ricki and i know youd love him and hed love you.
Gucci and Johnnyboy love you so much mermaid.
Love peace and chicken grease baby 😘