#jilliedally

[annewrights]

I made my bed. I must lie in it: alone and lonely. This is the price I pay for the principles I upheld. The love that screamed loudly as it died. The thoughts that raced and kept me up. The joy on the surface that boiled hot and angry underneath. This is the price of righteousness. Losing the wrong people, and regaining my footing, suffering in silence with my truth.. knowing full well that whatever it is that's meant for me will come to find me and stay.

– Post #24 (Year 7, 2024: battle-scarred)

[annewrights]

And so I regret you. You are not the sun.. not as magnificent as I made you out to be. I regret you, not the magic I made myself believe. When I put down my rose-colored lenses, you're horrendous. I wish I never knew you. If I could scrub myself clean of everything that transcribed, I would. But time is a friend. It eventually heals all I was trying to outrun.

– Post #23 (Year 7, 2024: battle-scarred)

[annewrights]

I don’t know… I can’t explain how therapeutic it is just putting these thoughts out here. When I do, I need no one else to hear it. No one else to validate it. I validate my own experience and I live at peace knowing that there’s healing as I grow through this.

[annewrights]

I’m more intentional than I dare to admit out loud. Never no reason. Always with a bigger purpose. And when I love, I have loved with all my heart from hell and back before I can even admit it to myself.. lest to the receiving end. I love for a while. Quite a while to be honest. Months? Years? And then I don't at all.

So when I said I’m glad I'm difficult to deal with, I meant it. Because then I know that the people who stayed will stay for all time.

To be myself and still be seen, loved, and appreciated all at once is such a blessing.

– Post 24 (Year 6: 2023, 11 months of becoming)

[annewrights]

I’m hardwired to agree when asked if I’m fine. I sometimes believe it too. But often times my heart pounds and my mind endlessly whirs.

No, I'm never really fine.

– Post 27 (Year 6: 2023, 11 months of becoming)

[annewrights]

92 Days To Go

And so what if there’s no end in sight? So what if you can’t know what it’s like until it's done? Who are you to play God, all-knowing and mighty? You cannot wish for greatness above and beyond. Get off your high horse. Shatter the mask and swallow that pride. Learn to deal with what's in front of you. And yes, even when it's a leap of faith each time.

Do not let the tiny claws of self-doubt take hold. Do not let the darkness fester. Let humility and compassion push you forward, knowing no effort shall be lost when you put to heart the cause.

[annewrights]

Day 38

The gripping realization of irredeemable incompetence is paralyzing. And the only way for me to able to live with myself is to work with what I can at the moment. The longer hours clocked in is in hopes for finding a cure to this imposter syndrome. I'm consciously aware that later nights and earlier days burn you bright and burn you fast. Even so, I concoct the midnight oil. With my nose to the grindstone, I live on some days and slave on others. That's how I survive – how THEY will survive.

Daily log accomplished whilst drinking coffee to keep me sane through this pandemic. No staying in my drafts for long, no extended minutes mulling over what to say next, and almost no edits. Just clicking send! No changing my mind! Keeping it raw cause who the hell cares when we’ll all die anyway.

[annewrights]

Day 37

I've been listening to this song the entire day and battling with myself whether to blurt it out or keep it to myself. I hear 'God sent those eyes to get me through the night' and I lose it. I remember all the moments I'd have rather quit but your silent strength pulls me back up my feet. You don't save me from myself. You make me stand and deal. You take my hand and set me up for the fight. I hear your silent prods: you understand; you believe; you'll hold my hand through it all.

I've come to a conclusion. I'm brushing just this one under the rug so I can cherish my feelings a while longer. The wonders of life are of God's craft and this love is everything I've prayed for when I didn't know what or who to ask for.