Happy Christmas
Jily Secret Santa 2015
For: Teodora from howimetyourprongs
From: Ella from illuminatemywords
Hope you like it, happy holidays!
The morning of the 25th of December of 1977, the few students staying at Hogwarts for the winter break woke up to see the grounds covered in several feet of fluffy, pristine snow. Lily Potter sat by the window in the Gryffindor common room, hot chocolate in hand, watching as white lace snowflakes continued to fall.
The world felt quieter when snow fell. Peaceful. One could almost forget about the horrible things that had started happening all across the wizarding world. The whispers of that awful name that Lily didn’t want to even think of that morning. It was her last Christmas at Hogwarts and she was determined to enjoy. It was also her first Christmas with James. The fluttering in her stomach still surprised her. Shouldn’t it have gone away after a few months of dating? How could she still feel giddy at the mere thought of his name? It had never happened before.
“What never happened before?” His voice, so familiar since the first day she had heard it, back when she couldn’t have possibly imagined she’d ever love him, broke the silence. He was leaning over the back of her chair, looking at her with a curious expression. She hadn’t even realised she’d spoken out loud or heard him approach. He was wearing his winter cloak and was clearly coming from outside for the dark fabric was dusted in a fine layer of snow.
“You had never eavesdropped before. Oh, no, wait, you have,” she teased. She now knew how he and the Marauders always knew all the good gossip: an invisibility cloak and heaps of eavesdropping.
“Good Lord, Evans, not even on Christmas can you be nice to me?” James said, in mock offense, but still leaning down to kiss her. “Happy Christmas, Lily,” he whispered when they were an inch from each other. His lips were almost frozen and he tasted of peppermint candy canes, muggle candy Lily had gifted him. She caressed the soft skin of his neck, transferring some heat from her hands before pulling away a little. His eyes were tired, small bags surrounding it. She knew he was coming in from spending the night in his animagus form with Remus and the rest of them. Poor Remus, what bad luck to have a full moon fall on Christmas day.
“How’s that for nice?” She asked with a smile she knew was on the verge of goofy. He grinned. “Fishing for compliments this early in the morning?” He joked, getting back at her for teasing him first thing on Christmas morning. Lily snorted and pinched his arm. “I already know I’m fabulous, thank you.” She flipped her dark red hair over one shoulder.
“And here I was, thinking I was the one with the inflated ego…” James laughed as he sat next to her on the big chair, forcing their sides to press together. “I do wonder how this much beauty fits into just one relationship,” he added, a little more serious now as he watched her, cheeks red with merriment, emerald green eyes sparkling and reflecting the snowflakes falling outside. James Potter knew himself to be the luckiest wizard in the world. He was with the person he had wanted to be with for years. Everything else could wait until January.
Lily burrowed into his side and laid down her head on his shoulder. “Thank you for staying here this year. It means a lot,” she whispered. He didn’t have to. His parents, Fleamont and Euphemia, would have loved to have him over and had invited all the other boys to join. She had, accidentally of course, read part of a letter from Euphemia, asking James if he was sure he wanted to stay at Hogwarts and offering to welcome Lily with open arms. James had relayed the invitation but Lily felt strange going to her boyfriend of a few months’ house for the holidays. She also really wanted to spend one last Christmas at Hogwarts. She’d encouraged James to go home, of course, even if a little part of her wished he’d stayed. But she knew it was selfish, if her parents had still been alive, she would have gone to them. James had refused to go without her, though, and she hadn’t been able to hold back the giant grin on her face.
“Of course,” he said in an odd bout of seriousness. He’d noticed the tears hiding behind her voice and known she’d meant those words. He soon recovered and said: “If you feel it in your heart that in order to reward me for my good deed you have to wear a really tight dress for tonight’s dinner, I’m okay with that decision.”
Lily laughed and shook her head. “Just for that, I’m wearing my flannel pajamas.”
“I love your flannel pajamas,” he answered, his cold hand finding the small patch of bare skin on her back left between her flannel shirt and the matching pants. She giggled and kissed him, slowly, sweetly, as if they had all morning. Because they did.
They didn’t count on Sirius, of course.
“I’m blind, I’m blind! This is what people with loving parents must feel like when they walk in on them kissing,” Sirius screamed, making a show of covering his eyes and stumbling on a footstool, tripping with a table, and finally landing as long as he was on the three-seater couch.
Lily and James, somewhat used to being interrupted by one or another of the marauders, finished their kiss before turning to their friend. “Good morning to you, Sirius,” Lily said. Sirius, also wearing a snowed winter cloak, waved from the couch. He heaved an exhausted sigh.
“Moony’s resting at the infirmary. He sent me to fetch him some chocolate from the kitchens and when I came back, he was fully asleep,” Sirius informed his friends. James nodded and his eyes flashed with sadness. Even after 5 years of knowing Remus’ secret, it still pained him that there was no cure. He had asked his father, the great creator of the Sleekeazy Hair Potion ™, if he knew of any potion makers who could cure Remus but it’d been in vain. Alas, heavy thoughts for a Christmas morning.
As if Lily had heard his thoughts, she stood up and said with as much positivity as she could muster: “Let’s open a few presents!” Most Gryffindors having gone home for the holidays, the presents under the common room tree were almost all for the four boys and Lily, from each other. “One each, okay?” She said. She was hoping Remus would feel better tomorrow morning and they could open the rest of them. “Where’s Peter?”
“Also asleep at the infirmary. Lazy rodent,” Sirius laughed as he moved to sit on the floor, next to the tree. Lily and James joined him and she chose the presents for each of them. “Oh, James, you shouldn’t have,” Sirius joked, fanning himself as if he were very much smitten. In fact, he had opened James’ present to Lily. One of them, anyways. It was a framed mistletoe branch. Sirius stared at it like it was the oddest thing ever but James and Lily knew what it meant and exchanged a quick smile.
James threw a light punch at his friend and snatched the framed picture from Sirius’ grasp. James knew that if his friend turned the photo, he’d find the corny message he’d inked on the back of the frame. Something along the lines of how much he wanted to... Ahem. Private stuff.
Lily took the frame in her hands and smiled as her mind traveled to the previous Christmas. It’d been the first one she hadn’t gone home and it’d been a strange time but also exciting. Like most beginnings tend to be.
1976
The first Christmas without her parents. The first one without her sister. After their parents died in a car accident in late September 1976, contact with Petunia had become sporadic. Somehow, Lily knew, her sister used their parents’ death as an excuse to distance herself from Lily, from the “strangeness”, from the “odd behavior”, from the “abnormality.” From her, the “freak.” If there was something Petunia hated, it was abnormality. She strived to be as average and as normal as possible and had never forgiven Lily for not playing along.
Things thus at home, Lily chose to stay at Hogwarts. The thought of spending Christmas with Petunia and her fiancé, pretending to be “normal”, was too depressing. Better to stay at school, even if her friends Marlene, Alice, and Mary were going home and she was no longer friends with Severus, what with him yelling ugly words at her and all.
Lily had a plan: study, study, study. Interspersed with some recreational reading. She figured she’d have the Gryffindor tower almost to herself. She was sure she was the only Gryffindor sixth year staying at school. On the first day of Christmas break, she realised how wrong she was. Four noisy boys covered in snow from head to toe came into the room, dripping snow water all over, and laughing as if nothing had ever been so funny. Lily hated to admit it, but she could single out James Potter’s laugh out of the four. It was that laugh, full and warm, so alive, that made her feel the first inkling of seasonal joy that year.
“Evans.” James Potter had stopped so abruptly that Peter, shorter than him and coming behind him bumped against him, slipped on the water dripped by James’ coat, and fell on the floor.
“Wormtail!” Remus exclaimed, alarmed, as he kneeled down next to their friend. James stood looking at Lily, sitting on the couch and staring back at him, before turning back and helping Peter up to his feet. “Lily, we didn’t know you were here. We’d have invited you to our snowball fight,” Remus, always the polite one, said. Lily hadn’t wanted to tell anyone she was staying, not even her fellow Prefect out of fear of being pitied. Lily wasn’t used to being pitied. She’d always been smart, nice, pretty. She’d never had cause to be pitied until her parents passed away. Now she could see it in almost everyone’s eyes and it annoyed her. She wasn’t some poor, sad child. Yes, she was sad but she wasn’t crumbling under the sadness. She didn’t need anyone’s pity.
“It’s alright. I’m coming down with a cough, anyways,” she lied, adding a dry, obviously fake cough for good measure. The four boys nodded but it was clear none of them believed her. “Looks like it was a good one,” she added, pointing at their drenched cloaks and wet hair. The tiny droplets in James’ jet black hair had even become little icicles.
“Yeah, some Hufflepuffs joined us. You should have seen them. They were big snowballs by the end,” Sirius said proudly. Lily expected James to chime in with some story of how he had gloriously defeated everyone, single-handedly, but he was quiet. He hadn’t been quite as full of himself this school year. Lily sort of missed it, surprisingly.
Remus elbowed James to say something, anything, but James couldn’t think of anything to say. He knew he tended to annoy Lily, sometimes he took pleasure in it, but lately his heart hadn’t been in it. Maybe it was because he knew her parents had passed away and he didn’t want to add to her lot. Maybe he was just realizing that the whole pulling a girl’s pigtails to show you like her method didn’t work on Lily Evans. Maybe, he was also tired of being seen as the guy who didn’t take anything seriously.
“You’ve had a good morning?” James asked. His voice always dropped an octave when talking to Lily. He swore he didn’t do it on purpose. Or at least, not consciously.
Lily nodded. “Are you going to Hogsmeade this afternoon?” She’d heard some of the other students were going to Hogsmeade for a last minute, pre-Christmas shopping spree and had considered going.
“Asking me out at last, Evans?” James couldn’t help it. After all that internal monologue and promises not to tease her… She had walked right into it, though.
Lily snorted and rolled her eyes but, if she was honest, she wasn’t really annoyed. She’d missed him mocking her.
“You should, just to even out the numbers. This would make it, what? James: a thousand zillion; Lily: 1?” Sirius intervened. James shoved him and Lily laughed.
In truthfulness, James had asked her out three times in fifth year and never done it again. The whole urban myth of how he asked her out at every turn had started somehow, but it’d only been three times, all in fifth year. The last time ending on that awful day by the lake when he offered to stop bugging Severus if she’d go out with him. She never even knew if he was serious about the times he’d asked her. He’d always been wearing that silly, yet admittedly sexy, half smile and it’d always been on some weird teasing context. So she doubted James Potter actually liked her. He liked to pester her, which was different. “I was asking all of you.” Lily said, after clearing her throat.
“Oh, kinky,” Sirius said and this time, both Remus and James shoved him. “I’m just saying what we’re all thinking!”
“No, Padfoot, not all of us have cesspools for brains,” Remus replied in an attempt to bring some order but he was almost laughing too.
“James does,” Sirius replied, just to annoy his friends. He knew they’d never really abandon him so he liked to push their buttons.
“All I want for Christmas, is for you to shut up, mate,” James told him as he passed a soaked, cold, cloaked arm around him, making Sirius cringe and everyone laugh.
“Evil, awful people. I’ll tell the house elves to serve you nothing but coal for Christmas,” Sirius huffed as he walked up the stairs to the boys’ rooms.
Lily watched as Peter followed him, waving quietly at Lily as he went, and then Remus, until only James remained. “We can all walk to Hogsmeade later, if you like,” he said, finally answering her question.
“Oh. Uh. I…” She hadn’t really known if she’d go. She didn’t have anyone left to shop for. All her gifts to her friends and Petunia and Vernon had been bought and shipped days ago. She’d been looking forward to some quiet time, too. And yet, she said: “Sure. All of us.”
That afternoon, after she ate chocolate frogs for lunch, she went down to the common room to find the four guys deep in conversation about Quidditch. Men. Maybe it was because she was muggle born, but Lily didn’t really understand the hype around Quidditch.
“I’ve told this boors to behave, my fair lady,” Sirius joked as they all climbed out of the Fat Lady’s portrait. Remus snorted loudly. “I’m trying!” Sirius said, making them all smile.
At the main entrance, they met up with the handful of students from other houses who also had stayed at school. Most of them were muggle born and with the “incidents” against Muggle-born spiking up, many of them had felt that Hogwarts was the safest place to be at. The disappearances, the strange memory losses, and the Ministry’s inaction had many muggle born students in fear.
Lily wasn’t scared, as such. She knew something terrible was coming but she had hope that the good wizards, that fairness, and respect would win. The light always conquers the darkness, after all.
The score of students were happy to be out on the crisp winter day and once at Hogsmeade scattered in various directions to search for their presents. Lily thought of going with one of the Ravenclaw girls to the bookstore just to not be left singled out as the only one there without a group of mates, but James touched her shoulder then.
“We’re going to the Three Broomsticks for some butterbeer. Sirius is going to flirt with Rosmerta in the hopes of also snagging us some firewhisky. Want to join? At the very least seeing Sirius flirt will be entertaining.”
Lily thought of declining. This somewhat-nice James was no doubt a result of poor-orphan-Lily syndrome and she didn’t like the thought of him pitying her one bit. Then again, Sirius flirting was always worth seeing. The boy had a gift. One that, luckily, didn’t work on Lily.
She followed the four friends to the pub and watched in awe as just by way of appearing and smiling, James Potter snatched the best table in the house. The one by the window but with clear visibility of the bar and its barmaid, Madame Rosmerta. He also had a gift.
Sirius made a beeline for Rosmerta while Remus and Peter filed on to one side of the table, leaving her to sit by James. “I won’t bite,” he promised. “Unless you like that sort of thing,” he added and Lily bit back the laugh that bubbled in her throat. How could he make her laugh with such a stupid joke? How could he make her laugh, period? She’d spent months grumpy and gloomy and keeping to herself despite her friends’ efforts and somehow, James Potter of all people managed to bring out genuine laughter.
She sat down and James followed. His elbow touched hers so she moved hers away. He hadn’t done it on purpose. He was just all long limbs, like a colt. More graceful than a colt. The one time Lily had found some sense in Quidditch was at the last Gryffindor game when she’d watched James. He made it look more like an art than a sport, with the agility and grace of his movements, the fierce look his eyes got, and the passion and dedication anyone who trained with him would be quick to point out.
At the height of her dislike for James Potter, when he used to hex people for the fun of it, or more likely to prove that he could and that he’d even get away with it, Lily had told herself James Potter didn’t care for anyone. These past few months she’d spent mostly by herself, observing those around her, had started to disprove that notion. He cared about Quidditch, a lot. Sure, it wasn’t something she cared about but she applauded his devotion to something. He practiced more hours than anyone else. If you walked by the Quidditch field at any time during the cool, autumnal days, you could see him on his expensive broom, zooming across the field, training. He was a good leader; as captain of the Gryffindor team, he made sure all the other members got fair play time on the field. He worked with them to make them improve. She’d also noticed how loyal he was to his friends. He’d taken the fall for pranks the others had made more than once.
It wasn’t that she liked him, she told herself. Far from it. But she was mature enough to recognise that he wasn’t all bad and that he’d done some growing up the past summer. Maybe they all had.
James nudged her and pointed at Sirius, walking with a swagger towards Rosmerta. “Oh Lord. Does he think he’s Mick Jagger?” She asked, chuckling. The other boys threw her confused looks. “Muggle Music Idol. Walks like that,” she added pointing at Sirius.
“He’s lucky he looks like that, he’d never be able to pull off the things he does if he looked like me,” Peter mumbled.
“You’d be surprised what delusions of grandeur can accomplish,” James replied. “He’s not that good looking,” he added when he saw Sirius trying to reach for the firewhisky bottle while Rosmerta giggled at something he’d just said. She wasn’t stupid, though, and quickly swatted his hand away.
“You’re not of age,” they heard Rosmerta say, and burst out in laughter as Sirius, sullen and carrying a tray with five butterbeers screamed:
“Love knows not age, Ros, my love. You’re breaking my heart!” Rosmerta merely shook her head and went on to help another customer.
“So close,” James said encouragingly as Sirius grabbed a chair from and sat at the head of their table.
“One day, the firewhisky shall be mine!” Sirius swore, theatrically throwing her hand into the air, grasping the air.
Lily smiled and congratulated herself for having joined the boys and the Hogsmeade trip. Her books would be waiting for her when she got back, after all.
The days leading up to Christmas, Lily didn’t see as much of the boys as on that first day but she still saw them more than she saw anyone else and at least once each day. They usually invited her to go with them on their outings but after she’d come back from Hogsmeade, a nasty little monster called guilt had gnawed at her and made her regret having gone there.
How could she have laughed and been merry and happy on the first holiday break without her parents? How could she have forgotten even for the tiniest of moments that her parents were gone? That she’d never see them again? That she was, at 16, an orphan? How could she have been happy?
It’s not that she wanted to punish herself but she didn’t think it was right to feel as happy and light as she’d felt coming back from Hogsmeade. The first Christmas without them should be sad and awful, shouldn’t it be? But then it’d be over and she’d have survived it. That day at Hogsmeade had felt more like living than surviving.
“Lily, Happy Christmas. Will we see you at the Christmas dinner?” Remus asked her on Christmas morning. He was coming in from a morning walk with Peter and she was opening the presents Marlene, Mary, and Alice had given her before going home.
“Oh. I don’t know. Probably not. I think I’m just going to have an early night tonight,” Lily replied with a casual shrug, as if she hadn’t spent days thinking about it. Remus nodded, his eyes softer as he watched over her with concern. “You guys have fun, though.”
Just then, James came in, followed by Sirius. Both of them were carrying copious amounts of food, probably stolen from the kitchens. Lily had never seen them at the breakfast table. “Evans! You’re alive!”
Lily didn’t appreciate the joke, even though she knew James hadn’t said it trying to be mean. It just reminded her that she was alive but her parents weren’t.
“Always the keen observer of human nature, Potter,” she said, her tone glacial. The tone she used to use for him all the time back in fourth and fifth year. James frowned. They’d been civil to each other, even friendly some would say, on the occasions when they’d spent time together over the winter break. Like the other day when they’d all sat together, reading or playing cards or chess after dinner. Why the sudden frostiness?
“And that’s Merry Christmas in what language?” He asked back. Remus was shaking his head, he could see him but he didn’t stop. Sometimes, he didn’t know when to stop.
“In the language of I don’t give a rat’s bum that it’s Christmas. I don’t want to wish you a happy Christmas. I want you to go away and leave me alone,” Lily replied, collecting her packages in her arms and shuffling to the stairs. James could almost see her breathing fire, like a dragon. Sirius, meanwhile, was shaking in silent laughter over the rat’s bum thing and elbowing Peter.
“I’m sorry your parents died, Evans, but that’s no reason to be mean to everyone!” James called back, making Remus hide his face in his hands and even Sirius grimace. James knew he’d crossed the line the second the words had come out of his mouth but they were gone now, too late to bring them back. Lily turned around, halfway up the stairs and fixed him with a cold, hard stare.
“Not everyone, Potter. Just you.” She was gone before he could say anything else.
James dropped the food on the common room’s tea table and sunk onto an arm chair.
“You really don’t know when to stop, do you?” Remus asked his friend. James shook his head.
“I bet that whole exchange turned out different in your head,” Sirius said as he patted his best friend’s shoulders. “You’ll apologize. It’ll be ok.”
James nodded but he feared this time it might not be okay. Maybe this was the time that convinced Lily, once and for all, that he was a horrible person. He wasn’t so sure he didn’t think that himself. Why had he felt the need to say that to her? Yes, he had been expecting to have a nice exchange of holiday pleasantries with her, see her smile, maybe make her laugh a little and it had all turned out the opposite way but that wasn’t an excuse to be unpleasant to a girl who was going through a tough time. Even if she had been mean to him first. He hated himself for having hurt Lily.
He waited for her to come down for the Christmas feast, even after Remus told him she was probably not going. He waited and waited, hoping to get a chance to apologize, but she never turned up. Finally, when Sirius came to tell him dinner was about to be served, he followed his friend, wondering if this was really how quasi-friendship with Lily Evans ended.
After dinner, James told his friends he was going for a walk. They tried to go with him, keep him company because they could tell he was feeling down, but he declined their offer.
“At least the lake is frozen. We don’t have to worry about him throwing himself in to be the Giant Squid’s food.” James overheard Sirius say, jokingly, but noticed that neither Remus nor Peter laughed.
He walked around the castle, feeling the crisp winter air and the tiny snowflakes as they melted on his skin. He let his mind think of the evilness circling them. Sometimes he wondered how they could feel joy at all when such dark times were coming. They’d started already. He knew each year after this one would be harder. He could see it in the “adults’” expressions. And he worried. He worried for his sake, his family, his friends. He worried especially for Lily because she was Muggle born and even if she hated him, he’d always care for her wellbeing. Why? He didn’t know why. He’d liked her from the moment they’d met before the Sorting Hat ceremony all those years ago. He’d liked her pluck. They’d never been close friends but they’d been friendly in those first couple of years and he’d gotten to know a smart, competitive person who also happened to have a good heart. He’d seen her helping Remus out with homework he’d fallen behind on due to the whole lycanthrope thing without even knowing the whole story. Later, of course, he’d noticed she’d become beautiful. It was more than that. It was a feeling that if he were to be honest with her, about his thoughts, his fears, she’d understand.
Just then, as if he had conjured her with magic, he looked in to the great hall through the grand gothic windows and there she was, sitting by herself on one of the tables. She cut a lonely figure in the festively adorned hall, the yule trees trimmed with tinsel, the fires still burning in the center of the few tables where they had feasted earlier. He thought of walking away, going to his room and hoping tomorrow would bring another chance to apologize, but then he saw her wipe a tear and figured no one should be lonely at Christmas.
Lily had spent the afternoon and evening fuming at Potter’s remarks. Why had he gotten to her so much? He’d been less annoying than usual and she had indeed behaved meanly towards him. But why let him bother her?
Perhaps it wasn’t so much about Potter, although he did have the gift of annoying her. Perhaps it was the fact that her sister hadn’t sent her anything. Not a letter or a gift. She shouldn’t have expected anything. When had Petunia ever used owl mail? She’d occasionally sent parcels but Lily knew it’d been their mother who’d posted them. Lily had thought that this being their first Christmas without their parents, Petunia would make an effort. She’d been wrong.
She’d heard the few Gryffindor girls in other dorms going down for dinner, heard their merry voices, their happy laughter, and felt mad at them. So it was good she was staying in. Potter had been right. She felt rotten inside and was going to be mean to everyone. Instead, she took out the mince pies she’d managed to find and ate them as she listened to her record of John Lennon’s Happy Xmas. She could almost hear her Mum singing along to the high pitched background chorus as she and Petunia carried the main tune and prepared Christmas dinner.
She didn’t leave her room until she heard everyone come back and even waited for twenty more minutes to make sure there were no more noises. People were probably exhausted from eating so much and headed to bed quickly.
Lily hoped to still find some food. She could have make some appear by magic but she’d heard wonders about Hogwarts’ Christmas Feast. She couldn’t believe she’d let herself spoil the chance to try it.
She pushed the Great Hall’s door gingerly only to find it empty and the pretty tables with the golden tablecloths all cleaned up. The candelabra were still lit, as if someone had been expecting her, but the kitchen elves had been efficient. Too efficient.
She sat on one of the tables, the closest one to the big windows, and watched as the tiny snowflakes began to fall. An image of last Christmas, of sitting on the couch with her Mum, covered by a fluffy blanket, Petunia cheerfully telling them all about the Christmas Eve dinner she’d had at the Dursley’s, her future in-laws, as Dad snored softly by the fire hit her like a train and she couldn’t hold back the tears.
The door creaked and she looked up, wiping the last tears off her cheeks quickly. Potter. Of course. She didn’t say anything and he didn’t either, he just walked towards her and sat next to her on the table. They watched the snow fall for a few minutes, quietly, neither of them willing to break this truce they had going.
“This is the part where I apologize,” he said at last. It was obvious he wasn’t used to it, he seemed awkward. “I was an idiot.” She smiled. “Keep going. You’re doing well.”
“A compliment. It must be a Christmas miracle,” he joked and she chuckled a little. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I never wanted to… to… well, to hurt you. I can’t even imagine how painful it must be to lose both your parents all of a sudden…” James stopped there, the words choking back in his throat as he tried to put himself in Lily’s shoes. Fleamont and Euphemia Potter were the kindest, best people James knew. Maybe many people wouldn’t believe that since they’d raised him, a bona fide troublemaker, but anything that was kind and graceful in him, he’d learned from them. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m terribly sorry, Evans.”
Lily nodded, quite impressed with the sincerity in his voice. Unless she’d become one of the James Potter adorers that giggled and fainted if he even deigned to look at them. She was pretty sure she hadn’t, so he must have been genuine. “Thanks. It’s been bloody awful.”
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, you can be as mean to me as you like for the rest of the year,” he said with a hint of a smile on his lips. The year, after all, would be over in a week.
Lily laughed. “Such sacrifice.” He elbowed her arm and she elbowed him back. “You were right, though. I was mean for no reason and I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to lash out at my friends.”
James straightened. Had she just called him a friend? “Friends?”
“Or something like friends,” she shrugged and he nodded. “I just… I felt so… mad. At everyone. I can tell the girls think I should be moving on, that I should be getting better. So I’m mad at them, mad at my parents for dying, mad at myself for sometimes feeling happy, mad at you for…
” “Breathing too loud?” He offered helpfully and she laughed again. “Look, I don’t know much about grief but I do know that you’re the only one who knows what feels right. Just know that your parents, wherever they are, they want you to feel as good as possible. In your own time.”
Lily watched him for a minute, wondering how he was capable of such depth hidden behind the endless pranks and jokes. She noticed the flecks of gold in his hazel irises, behind his glasses. She saw the rosy glow of his cheeks. He really was handsome.
She shook her head, wondering if she was going a tad mad, and said: “If I tell you that’s really good advice will your ego suck all the air out of this room?” James, unaware of what she’d been thinking, laughed out loud. “Possibly. Better keep it hypothetical, Evans.” “Right. So, why didn’t you go home?
” She asked, folding her hands over her knees.
“My Mum and Dad went on a special trip. They’re getting old and felt that, with everything going on with Voldemort, it might be their last chance. Things could get very bad in the wizarding world…”
Lily nodded. She’d seen the Potters a couple of times at the 9 ¾ Platform. They did look more like James’ grandparents than his parents but she also knew wizards could live to be very, very old. What struck her most from her memories of the Potters was how much love they radiated. It was obvious that James had grown in a loving, caring home. “If they hadn’t gone travelling, what would you be doing right now?”
James smiled. “Easy. I’d be passed out on a turkey coma. Mum’s turkey is the best and I always overeat… If for some reason, I’d managed to escape the sleep of the glutton, we’d probably just be sitting around, watching the tree. Dad always enchants it to sing or do something ridiculous. One year, he tried to get it to tap dance. It was a disaster. The tree broke most of Mum’s ornaments. She was furious.”
Lily couldn’t help but laugh. A tap dancing tree. She’d have loved to see that. They got quiet. She imagined James wanted to ask questions but didn’t want to upset her so she offered a story of her own: “When we were little, Mum would always help us bake cookies for Father Christmas. My sister and I really thought he came and ate them. Every Christmas morning, they’d be gone, with one left half bitten. One Christmas, I was 8, I came down and caught Dad eating them. I was so mad. I woke up Mum. She played along and chastised my father.”
James smiled. “That’s sweet. I’d like to have the official Santa’s cookies’ eater post.” They went on, exchanging stories of Christmas past.
“I miss them…” Lily whispered after a few stories. She hadn’t said those words out loud. It felt a little ridiculous to say them earlier since, even if they’d been alive, she wouldn’t have been with them. But now, on the day when you’re supposed to be with family, it hit her again that they were gone.
“I really am sorry, Lily,” he told her, carefully patting her shoulder, as if not sure if his gesture would be welcomed. Before she could say anything, her stomach made a rumbling noise more fitting for a lion than for a 16 year old girl. She blushed, embarrassed, but James laughed and got to his feet. “Let’s get you fed.”
“But how? The kitchens are closed.”
“Oh, Evans. Such lack of faith. I’m offended,” James replied, shaking his head. “The kitchens are never closed for me.”
Lily rolled her eyes but in jest. She had the feeling that she was about to find out one of James Potter’s secrets. She watched as he pulled out of the inner pocket of his coat a small satchel, opened it and seemed to take out something but it was like watching silvery liquid.
“Are you a mime now?” She asked and it was his turn to roll his eyes.
“You laugh now, but…” He made a flourish with his hands and suddenly, he was gone. Lily blinked. Was she dreaming? Maybe she was and this was why she’d just spent a good half hour talking to James Potter. And liked it.
“James?” She asked, turning around. Had he apparated somewhere?
“I’m here,” his voice said, coming from exactly where he’d been standing. She moved forward and put out her hand, soon running into what felt like his chest.
“Stop groping me, Evans. Come on, get in here, there’s space for us both.”
“In where?” Lily asked just as he uncovered his head. It was a sight more fitting to Halloween than Christmas. A floating head.
“It’s an invisibility cloak.” James enjoyed watching her green eyes go wide with wonder. “Really?! Aren’t they very, very rare?”
“They are.” His reply was matter of fact. Lily liked that there was no pride behind it. “It’s been in my family for years and years. I may have sneaked it out of Dad’s study once upon a time…”
“So this is how you get around without being caught?” Lily asked.
“One of the ways.”
“One?” “I can’t go and give away all my secrets in just one night, Evans. I’m a man of mystery.”
Lily snorted but she stepped closer to him and felt the fine fabric between her fingers, so soft it almost felt like touching water. James passed it over their heads and Lily saw in wonder that she could see everything but the reflection in the windows showed an empty hall.
They walked down the hallways, making their way to the kitchens through rooms Lily hadn’t known existed. Once there, she noticed the elves were gone to rest and they had the place to themselves. They quickly gathered a few pies and piled potatoes, roast, and green beans into a plate and poured some pumpkin juice into a pitcher, before making a quiet exit.
She was going to suggest they return to the great hall but instead, he led them to another room Lily had never been in. It had a nice round table for four, a couch, and a Christmas tree.
James put away the invisibility cloak while Lily set the table. He let her choose the pies she wanted first and actually waited until she’d tucked in half the food to start eating himself. After all, he’d been to dinner. But he could always eat. They talked about normal things, school, and their friends. Lily liked how James talked about the other 3 boys, as if they were his brothers and not just his friends.
After they’d finished eating, Lily dug in the pockets of her jeans for something and when she found it she showed it to James. A candy cane. “It’s actually from last year… I found it lying about in my room. It doesn’t go bad, I don’t think…” She cut it in half and offered the biggest piece to James.
“Does it change color or do something?” He asked, turning the red and white candy around. Lily laughed.
“It’s just candy, Potter.”
“Muggles are so weird…” He ate it anyways, because she’d offered. He liked it too.
“So what is this room?”
“I’ve no idea, Sirius and I found it a couple of years ago. It is always Christmas in here.”
“Wizards are so weird…” Lily joked and James conceded that truth. He’d been watching her smile, bright and warm, when he noticed it’d frozen in place and soon disappeared from her lips. “After dinner, my parents usually danced. Poorly, but it was nice. They’d put on a record and just hold each other. Dad would twirl Mum around and they’d just… dance.” And just like that, Lily sobbed.
James wasn’t used to displays of emotion. He was used to the boys and they weren’t the most sentimental in the world. He also wasn’t used to Lily Evans being so open with her feelings. Other than disgust and annoyance, that is. He scooted closer to her and put his hand over hers as he tried to think of something to do.
Lily felt his hand, warm and big, cover hers and she told herself to pull it together. She was crying in front of James Potter? Oh, the shame. He wasn’t acting obnoxious, though. As she breathed in and out, trying to control herself, he just sat there, with her, no pity in his eyes.
She’d calmed down considerably and had stood up to go to the window when he asked: “What’s that?” He was pointing to the ceiling and Lily looked up to find mistletoe. What on earth was this room?
“Mistletoe,” she replied as he moved closer to her.
“Isn’t that what you called me by the lake? Arrogant mistletoe?”
“I called you a toerag, not a mistletoe,” Lily half snorted, half sobbed and James found her incredibly cute despite the snot.
He smiled and, standing next to her, elbowed her ribs. “I know. Arrogant, bullying, toerag. I was just trying to make you laugh.”
Lily didn’t know exactly why she did what she did next but she did it. It was something about how he’d gone out of his way to make her laugh, making himself the butt of the joke. Something about how he’d made it his mission to quiet her rumbling stomach. Something about how he’d listened to her talk about her parents as if he didn’t want to miss a word. Something about the silly stories of his childhood he’d shared. Surely something about the way the light from the fireplace illuminated his face and made his hazel eyes shine. It was all of that and probably something else too.
Just as he was about to go back to his chair, she turned her face to the side, stood on her tiptoes, and planted a kiss on his lips.
She took him by surprise, of course, but instinct kicked in. This was Lily Evans and he was kissing her. Finally.
The first contact of their lips was soft, she pressed her mouth to his and he angled his body towards her, passing an arm around her waist and pulling her closer to him. She tasted of peppermint, of the candy cane, and she felt like Christmas and his birthday all wrapped into one.
She fit in his arms, she thought, surprised. She didn’t want to pull away, even if a mistletoe kiss should be much shorter than this. She let herself wrap her arms around his neck as they continued to kiss, a little faster now. He smelled of winter, snow, pine, and leather and tasted of peppermint. Her hands ran down his shoulders, feeling every taut muscle underneath his clothes.
Time had disappeared. They kissed for what could have been hours or minutes. They didn’t know how long but they only stopped when their lips began to tingle. He was the one to pull away, slowly, reluctantly. Somehow, he knew this wasn’t the right time. He knew she needed a friend more than she needed a boyfriend right now and he would show her he could be that. A friend. He would show her he could be there for her. They had all the time in the world. He’d waited this long, he’d wait until she was ready for them.
“Kissing under the mistletoe, it’s a rule,” she said when her brain managed to regain control. Her heart was beating faster than ever before but she ignored it. She’d kissed him because it was the rule. That was her story and she was sticking to it.
“Rules are important,” he replied biting his lower lip, a move Lily hadn’t noticed before but that suddenly had her wanting to kiss him again.
“Yeah. Anyways, what happens in the weird Christmassy room, stays in the weird Christmassy room. Right, Potter?”
“Evans, don’t worry. Your secret’s safe. No one would believe me if I told them you tried to jump my bones.”
“I did not!”
“Did too.”
Lily smiled and shook her head as she followed him outside, taking the dirty plates with her because, while not opposed to some rule breaking, she did like to generally follow the rules. He, meanwhile, was the boy that sneaked into the kitchens at night. Somehow, for that one night, they had worked.
1977
After the Christmas feast, Lily, wearing a tight, red sweater dress, the best she could do for James with her limited wardrobe, dragged her boyfriend up to the Astronomy tower. She’d had to unceremoniously kick out Sirius and Peter, who’d tried to tag along.
“So you’re tired of me and want to shove me off of the Astronomy tower?” James joked. Lily laughed out loud.
“Never,” she said a little more seriously. She pointed out to the moon and they leaned over the windowsill, his arm around her to keep her warm, to watch the full, white, moon, beaming at them from the clear skies. “You know, a year ago, I’d have never thought we’d be here tonight.”
“Oh, please. You wanted me bad, Evans,” James replied with a cheeky grin.
“Will you be serious?!”
“No, I can’t be Sirius. I’m James.” He laughed at his own joke and Lily couldn’t help but laugh along with him. She loved how he could make her laugh even in spite of herself. She was rarely mad at him for longer than five minutes because he always managed to joke his way out of all pickles.
James watched her green eyes, happy and lively and not even the slightest bit sad, and promised himself he’d forever do his best to keep them so. Forever. “I love you, Lily.”
He’d never told her. He was sure she knew. Everyone knew James Potter loved Lily Evans. It was obvious from the way his smile brightened the second she came in the door and how his eyes followed her whenever she was around. How his amortentia potion smelled exactly of her. How he always offered her his coat and carried her books and gave her the biggest piece of cake or pie or whatever. But he’d never said it out loud. He’d written “Love, James” in the back of the mistletoe frame but he hadn’t said the proper three words.
Lily smiled wide and kissed him, hard. She’d been worried he didn’t love her. Her friends all said he did but she’d been worried. After all, he was James Potter. He could have had his pick of beautiful witches. Witches who perhaps hadn’t called him arrogant toerag and said they’d first date the Giant Squid. Witches who were prettier, smarter, fitter than her. Yet, he loved her. Her heart soared with the declaration.
And, as she’d come to realize more and more with every passing day, she loved him. She was in love with him. Completely. To the point that his lame jokes could turn even the darkest day into a good one. He was her light in this dark world and he made her happier than she’d ever thought she could be.
“Good. Because I love you, James,” she replied when they finally stopped kissing. James picked her up and twirled her around and for a couple of minutes, they danced to no music at the top of the Astronomy tower, the world bright and happy because it was Christmas time and they had each other.