I Don't Know Anymore.
A little rant about what is happening now.
Actually, I have been searching for myself for almost 5 months now after passing my board exam. I've been denying my true purpose and field, haunted by the thought that I might fail as an educator.
An educator is a torchbearer. They are the ones who light up the minds of all children. They carry the dreams of the future. I still see that in me. I still feel that I can do it too. I can still be a torchbearer, but I am filled with doubts and frightened that I might cause harm instead. I am scared. Truly, I am. I am a coward.
I don’t want to see children grow up feeling as much of a failure as I did. I want them to see the true purpose of life, guided by someone stronger and wiser than me. I don’t want to shatter their dreams because of my own shortcomings, and that is why I keep running away from my true purpose.
I still see myself as a failure because of that one demonstration I failed back when I was a college student. What is the reason I call myself a failure when I actually graduated? Well, because I didn’t deliver my demonstration well. There were so many flaws, so many parts that needed polish. That’s why, in my heart, I branded myself a failure.
I passed my board exam because I wanted it to be the key to my future. But guess what—it hasn’t opened anything. I’m still here, unemployed. I keep chasing other opportunities, trying to redirect myself, but still, I’m stuck. No one wants to hire me.
I don’t know anymore. Part of me wants to give up, but something deep inside whispers that I should follow my field, that I should continue my profession. Should I? Do you know that feeling when you try so hard to focus on something else, to deny and ignore what’s in front of you—but your profession keeps pulling you back? It feels like a chain tied around your foot, not letting you walk away. That is my profession. It is bound to me—a part of me I’m torn between holding on to or finally leaving behind.