#john can't text

[waveofahand]

When "Paul is Dead" ... almost

One of my favorite "George-and-Paul-at-odds" stories, and it's completely true -- wherein Ringo relates a test of wills between Paul and George fighting about who gets to drive. Ringo says everyone sat in a car parking lot for two hours, until it was settled. I figured that deserved a fanfic, right? Except THIS time, they're modern AU college boys, and idiots, and John is waiting to be picked up from somewhere. And he's hungry and angry. He's whangry. And there is thunder and lightning. And Paul and Geo are STILL fighting. Everyone is texting. And John... oh, John is very bad at texting. Very, very bad. It's just a one-shot, but pretty entertaining:

Modern TEXTING AU; they’re all in college and they’re all idiots. Everybody's gay.

         CHATGROUP: ROOMIES MINE

LENNONBALLS: Guys?

LENNONBALLS: DUDES? I’m ready to be ticked up now. You know, like I said 20 mens ago?

LENNONBALLS: Gays? Li’l help here?

BABYRICHMAN: Hey, John. Sorry. Not sure when we’ll be picking you up, darlin’

LENNONBALLS: What do you bean you’re not sure? Why not sure? WTF not sure? You said you’d be rite uber to pick me up when I was Finnish with the %$#@ doctor,

LENNONBALLS: %$# finished, I mean!

BABYRICHMAN: Aye, we did, but…

BABYRICHMAN: …

LENNONBALLS: … ? WTF is … ? Is there a pablum?

LENNONBALLS: You hvnt had an accident, hv you? Is everyone ok?

BABYRICHMAN: No.

LENNONBALLS: NO? OMG WHAT HAPPENED? IS PAUL OK? IS EVERYONE OK? WHO WAS DRIVING OMG RINGO I AM FREEING OUT WHAT HAPPENED? IS PAUL DEAD?

BABYRICHMAN: No, John…

LENNONBALLS: OMG PAUL IS DEAD, ISNT HE?  I’m gonna die! Where are you? Has anyone called emergent?

BABYRICHMAN: No, John SHUT UP A MINUTE!

LENNONBALLS: Don’t make me cry! I’m frying!

BABYRICHMAN: Mate, I was just answering your first question, that NO there wasn’t a problem. But there kind of is.

LENNONBALLS: Oh my God!

BABYRICHMAN: No, mate, it’s not an accident. It’s so stupid I don’t even want to tell you.

LENNONBALLS: Well what is it then? When I see you I’m going to kick your arse bald for making me worry like this!

BABYRICHMAN: I didn’t worry you, lad, you did that all by yourself, didn’t you? And my arse is pretty bald already. Or did you mean arseballs? I don’t have them!.

LENNONBALLS: ...

BABYRICHMAN: Wait, did you mean kick or lick? You type bad.

LENNONBALLS: I hate you. What has happened?

BABYRICHMAN: Well…

Read it at A03!

[waveofahand]

George has the wheel. Paul has the Keys. Who wins?

A Modern AU McLennon/Starrison text-fiction based on this story, as told by Ringo, about a time when Paul had the keys, but George had the steering wheel and the band went nowhere for two hours while they fought about it. I had fun writing this, even though the pun at the end is shameful!

ALSO, John cannot text. The others are only marginally better! 

Excerpt:

LENNONHUNGRY: JUST TELL ME WTF IS GOING ON?

BABYRICHMAN: Well then you know, Paul drove here, and Geo didn’t like how he did, so he called dibs and jumped in the driver seat, didn’t he?

LENNONHUNGRY: So????

BABYRICHMAN: So, Paulie has the keys, don’t he?

LENNONHUNGRY: Aw shit. Aww, Christ.

BABYRICHMAN: Yeah.

LENNONHUNGRY: So, don’t tell me. They’ve been sittin’ there fightin’ about it for these 20 mins?

BABYRICHMAN: 30, now. Geo’s got his hands on the wheel and won’t take em off, and Paulie even bit one of em.

LENNONHUNGRY: He bit Geo?

BABYRICHMAN: Aye, and then Geo headbutted him to get him off.

LENNONHUNGRY: ???

BABYRICHMAN: No, that came out wrong. YOu know, to get him off. Just, to make him go away.

LENNONHUNGRY: I. Am. Sure. Geo. Wasn’t. Getting. Him. Oh, forget it. So now, twat? Paulie is sitting there, isn’t he? With the keys in his stubborn hand and his arms crossed his chest like an old granny waiting for her feckin tea, yeah? And meanwhile it’s connin on rain here.

BABYRICHMAN: Well, he was. But then Geo head-button him, you know. So, he put them down the front of his pants.

LENNONHUNGRY: My bf has car keys down his pants?

BABYRICHMAN: Flat keys too. Made a point of shovin’ em all the way down by his pecker. Geo says he wouldn’t dive down there for a pearl before a swine.

LENNONHUNGRY: So… it’s a stalemate?

BABYRICHMAN: Well… Geo is there with both hands on the wheel and he’s turnin’ it and making brrrrrrrrrrm noises, like he’s drivin. But we’re still here.

You can READ THE WHOLE THING at AO3