Me: Pls do something i wanna post something on tumblr pls pls plspls. Maybe something funny, some little doodle or-
My brain: Dads.
Me: What??
My brain: Draw the dads. Draw The Fallen Brothers. As sketch. You cant wait making it in digital.
Me:.......
I should wait post to making it in digital with their clothes and pose, but it looks like i cant wait. So.
İ liked "The Fallen Brothers". Because even when they were little kids, they never had a chance to have lovely time together. They were always each others biggest rivals.
Matthew is Night and Yakup's dad, who died in First Wizarding War. He was always better than his older brother, even his dead only made other people to see him more braver than Jonathan. Loyal than Jonathan. To his Lord.
Jonathan is Cordell's dad. He was the kid who grow up in his younger brothers shadow. Always tried to get better, better than him. And when he died, Jonathan's time to shine finally came too. Now all he need to do is making sure Yakup never returns from cursed vaults. So he can have full control on whole family. İncluding Night and Cordell.
[Originally published on Livejournal May 1, 2002 at 12:54pm]
My list is a little long :)
Jonathan Rhea - I have such an overwhelming comfort around Jonathan, that I can't even explain myself, when I went to visit him in Atlanta after i got laid off, I had the most wonderful time doing absolutely nothing with him. I had some of the best sleep of my life in his house on his living room floor. After visiting with him I felt so revitalized. If you remember the fotos from that trip you see very honest fotos of me smiling and laughing which is such a rarity for me, because there are so many folkes I just dont feel great around.
Darin Ross - Notwithstanding the chaos he loves in his life, I share a very casual intimacy with Mr Ross, and in bed, he is able to tap into a primal part of myself, I dont even seem aware of in my waking day. There is also great comfort with him regarding my emotions
Corey Rothermel - My Future Ex Husband, is what i called him, and is what he still is to me, I met him in college and felt like i was connected to his soul or some reason. He just seemed to know me. And even though its been years since i have seen him i know i would feel instantly comfortable around him.
Diane Vazquez - my friends mother, who i refer to as "mom" she is a surrogate mother for me, I have known her since 6th grade and she has always called me her "good son" and always treated me totally and completely like a member of the family. I can just spend hours in silence with this woman and feel totally comfortable.
Eric Acklowitz - notwithstanding his trifling behavior I feel very comfortable and intimate with him, he has a "daddy" vibe about him and is always trying to take care of you, and in alot of cases, i let him. Even though he can't be a part of my life anymore, i miss the comfort of his energy. I felt very much myself, and comical and funny around him.
CJ Wilson - I don't know what is with me and straight guys, but I helped CJ thru some difficult periods at work and we bonded over comic books. He makes me feel very funny, like I could just be an actor and be successful at it. He has such a comfort with his sexuality he is able to make me feel uncomfortable about mine, and not many straight men can do that. I have had a huge crush on him, but am comfortable in our roles.
Jeff Casto - Jeff is soooo fucking positive its disgusting but its very affirming. I feel very much myself around him, but i feel like I should be being a better person, even though Jeff thinks i am fine. Jeff helps to bring out the best in me and he is always VERY encouraging.
Who makes you feel least like yourself?
Anita Lanzi (former therapist) - I felt she was never interested in me really, and her being a white woman made me more sensitive of her issues then of mine, i never really felt i was being myself, i felt i was always editing myself to her comfort.
Amy Van Aarle (former supervisor) - Her insecurities about herself made me feel very insecure about my abilities and I was always second guessing myself, and doubtful about decisions that I made, to a point i would BCC her on everyone of my communications to make sure i was doing things to her liking. I was VERY miserable around this woman, because she was miserable with herself.
[Afterwords: This was a fun exercise, I am not even sure where I got the suggestion, but clearly it came from something this wasn't an original thought. The summation of where I was in two thousand-two is I don't feel like myself around whyte womens. This has changed, well the person I think is the reason. Because I have a singular whyte woman as a friend and I feel very comfortable around her, but I think that is because of the work she has done with herself.
And with the exception of Diane, the folks I feel most comfortable around is men. All the men on the list are whyte men, curiously three of them from one of my former jobs, one from college, and two from my hook-ups. I have still notedly primarily only dated white men and had sexual relationships with them. My friends generally speaking have been more diverse, Black, Latin - all flavors, but no Asians or indigenous, that isn't deliberate I just don't think I interact with as many Asians and indigenous people as I would like.
Looking through my photos from the time period, I did also have sex with Asian and Latin dudes, some that were both. But I think the role I was playing sexually and my personal history with other Black dudes is why they never played into the equation.
I want to look at what happened to the various relationships from twenty-three years ago:
Jonathan Rhea: I think the last time I saw JP was in two thousand when I went to visit him in Atlanta. Since he moved out of the city we connected less and less. I spoke to him I think a couple of year ago when I wanted to send him some pictures I found from this time period, but that was it. We just sort of drifted apart with time, no hard feelings or anything.
Darin Ross: Mr. Ross has been the topic of quite a few of my recent entries, I think I underestimated the impact he had on my life beyond the bedroom. But our 'friendship' succumbed to his mental instability finally catching up with him. I still have very fond thoughts and feelings about him and would be open to a relationship initiated on his part. Otherwise I will keep my distance.
Corey Rothermel: My future ex-husband has curiously been partnered and now married to the same man, who like myself he met in college. Doug I think his name is. I don't think I have seen Corey since college, but we have been in touch on and off over the decades. I had such a strong connection to him and him seemingly to me, albeit we only knew each other such a short time. Like JP we have just drifted apart with the different paths our lives have taken.
Diane Vazquez: Died in Oh-Four or Oh-Five? Curiously I have a very strong relationship with her granddaughter who interestingly enough favors her, I think this is actually very fortuitous because this is exactly what she would have wanted.
Eric Acklowitz: Two years ago I attempted to reconnect with Mr. Acklowitz thinking that enough time had passed in relation to his incarceration and all the emotional fallout from that, which lead me to step away from the friendship. My pretense was sharing these old photos of him that I had, and I thought things were going well and that we would be friends again. But as with so many things including the reason he was arrested, he self-sabotaged the attempt and I had to leave him in the past where I had found him.
CJ Wilson: This is one friendship that I can definitively say I fucked up with. I was a bit too harsh with Mr. Wilson cutting to the core of what I knew to be a soft spot. Mr. Wilson's faith in his abilities and accomplishments has always been a place of insecurity for him, and me being my typical asshole-self said, why are you so insecure when you'r so accomplished?
I more or less devalued and diminished his genuine feelings and this lead to the end of the friendship. He is a Juilliard graduate, been in an Oscar-nominated film amongst all of his other television, film and stage credits. Is he not where he wants to be, no. But its not like he hasn't done anything. I am sad by this loss, I did really adore him, but I also didn't understand why he didn't appreciate all that he had done.
Jeff Casto: Father of three now, and still married to a woman he met at our job. We spoke relatively recently when I saw some video on LinkedIn of this new business he has. We fell into our old rhythms for our brief interaction. He still looks great and is actually dressing better, which I love for him. A few years ago I attended an opening in Chelsea he was having with his artwork and got to meet his kids up close and personal. Out of everyone on this list we are the closest to still active friends.
These same questions today would be moot since I am not really fucking with anyone. I do like that there was a time when this was actually relevant and there were people I could count on to fill these roles.
