Celandine
Pairing: jongkey Genre: romance Rating: PG Word Count: 2,821
“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.”
“I don’t like you anymore,” Jonghyun says matter-of-factly. They’re laying half in Taemin’s lap and half in Jinki’s, and as Kibum watches, their fingers fumble to find Jinki’s before they direct Jinki’s hand to their hair, a wordless request to have their hair played with.
“You don’t like me anymore?” Kibum repeats. He should be happy, and he is, he really is. He’s glad that Jonghyun won’t hurt anymore because of him, he’s glad that Jonghyun can look at him and touch him without flinching or hiding their emotions away, he’s glad that Jonghyun seems happy curled up on the couch with Jinki and Taemin.
“Nope!” Jonghyun’s other hand twines their fingers together with Taemin’s and the smile Taemin gives them is full of all of the love Kibum could not give. When Jonghyun flushes pink and hides their face, Kibum feels his heart break, just a little.
(He attributes the strange tightness in his chest to stress, hunger and lack of sleep.)
With their busy solo schedules, it’s rare for them to be able to spend time as a group, and when Taemin barges into Kibum’s room (without knocking) to say we’re having movie night, Kibum is...confused. They haven’t had a movie night in ages - the only real rule for movie night is that all of them must be there. And with Blue Night and Jonghyun’s upcoming album and their Japanese tour coming up, it probably won’t happen for a while yet.
Kibum can smell the popcorn that Minho is making, and Jinki comes out of the kitchen with five bottles of Snapple and a small pile of napkins. He smiles gently at Kibum as he passes, and Kibum’s gaze falls to Jonghyun, who is fiddling with the TV. It’s their turn to choose the movie and they’re quick to find and choose some horror movie that Taemin had been wanting to watch for ages. Minho comes out with a giant bowl of popcorn and Kibum mechanically begins to pile blankets and pillows on the floor in front of the couch when Jonghyun turns to Minho and smiles at him, the shy little smile that they’d usually reserved for Kibum.
When they still liked him.
Movie night is always the same - they eventually all end up on the floor, curled around each other and tangled together beneath layers of blankets so completely that it takes what seems like hours to separate - and it’s one of the times where Kibum feels most at peace, surrounded by soft breaths and warm bodies and his heart always always always warms when someone’s hand tangles with his.
The only time movie night is ever different is when a horror movie plays: Jonghyun ends up in Kibum’s lap, face buried in Kibum’s neck for most of the movie. Their little squeaks of surprise are muffled into Kibum’s shirt and after each jump scare, they always tremble and shudder and Kibum holds them tight and whispers that you’re okay, I’ve got you, it’s okay until Jonghyun visibly calms.
Tonight though, it’s different. Bad different - Jonghyun stands off to the side, uncertain until Jinki opens his arms and Jonghyun gratefully falls into him, wiggling into the space between him and Taemin. Kibum is left between Taemin and Minho, and while he’s technically in the middle, he’s never felt so alone, and while he’s beneath two blankets, he’s never felt so cold. It’s a startling realization, how much he misses Jonghyun’s warmth and trembling above him. Taemin’s got the bowl of popcorn (mixed butter popcorn and kettle corn) in his lap, and when Kibum reaches over for a handful, his hand touches Jonghyun’s before Jonghyun wrenches away as if burned.
Despite how good the movie is (according to Taemin’s pleased little noises, anyway), Kibum can barely bring himself to look at the screen. And after the movie ends, and when he’s sure everyone is asleep, Kibum disentangles himself from their cuddle pile and quietly steals away to his own room. At least there, he’ll be able to sleep.
The next day, he wakes to the smell of pancakes - Jonghyun and Minho are in the kitchen, and Jinki and Taemin are still asleep in the main room. Jonghyun’s sitting on the counter while Minho piles another pancake on the huge stack on a plate, and as soon as they see Kibum, Jonghyun’s giggles stop and their smile fades as they slip off the counter to go wake Jinki and Taemin up.
Minho’s looking at Kibum with an unreadable expression on his face, and when he sees Kibum looking, he gives Kibum this sad little half-smile before turning back to the stove.
Breakfast is a strangely quiet affair: Jinki is still more than half asleep, and Taemin eats as quickly as he usually does. Minho and Taemin are on either side of Jonghyun, and Kibum and Jinki sit across from them, but Jonghyun barely lifts their head even once. When they speak, it’s only to Minho and Taemin in quiet whispers. What’s most infuriating is that Taemin and Minho whisper back - Kibum can’t help scowling when Jonghyun giggles at something Minho’s said to them, before whispering something - probably the same thing Minho had told them - to Taemin.
Taemin leans over and kisses Jonghyun’s cheek, and Jonghyun looks so pleased that Kibum’s stomach drops, and suddenly, he’s not very hungry anymore.
(But at least Jonghyun is happy?)
With the way Kibum keeps his eyes cast down as he abruptly leaves the table and goes back to his room, he doesn’t see the way Jonghyun stares after him, concern clear on their face. They don’t follow him, and Kibum doesn’t know if he’s glad for that fact or not.
It seems like hours before Jonghyun sticks their head in the doorway; Kibum has been studying up on his English, but he quickly closes his book and looks up when he sees Jonghyun fidgeting in the entrance to his room. Jonghyun looks like they want to say something, and their mouth parts, but nothing comes out, so they close their mouth and just stare at Kibum, expression two parts upset and one part longing. Kibum doesn’t know how long they stay like that, staring at each other silently. It ends when Taemin calls for Jonghyun from some other part of the dorm and they both jerk; Jonghyun’s eyes widen like they realize where they are and they bolt without a second’s hesitation, and Kibum is left only with the phantom smell of Jonghyun’s body cream and the feeling that he’d missed something extremely important.
Jonghyun comes back later that day with freshly dyed pink bubblegum pink hair, and immediately, the others are telling them how cute they are, and how pretty you look with pink hair, Jonghyunnie. And Kibum feels -
He doesn’t know how he feels. He wants Jonghyun to smile at him the way they’re smiling at Jinki, he wants Jonghyun to twine their fingers together like how they’re holding Taemin’s hands and eagerly chattering with him, he wants Jonghyun to fit themself in his lap the way they’re sitting in Minho’s lap. He wants...Jonghyun to smile at him again.
But then - “Kibummie,” Jonghyun’s voice is small, uncertain and shy, “do you like my hair?”
(Kibum doesn’t know it, but Jonghyun is sitting in Minho’s lap to hide the trembling of their legs, and they’re squeezing Taemin’s hands tight enough to bruise from their nervousness, and their smile at Jinki had been wobbly, pasted on.
But Kibum doesn’t know that, so all he can say is-)
“Yeah, you look-” beautiful stunning gorgeous, “good. It suits you.”
Jonghyun’s smile doesn’t have its usual brilliance, but they do smile wide, and it makes Kibum’s heartbeat flutter in his chest.
Kibum still remembers the fragile moment when Jonghyun had confessed. And honestly, he’d kind of...known, from all the shy glances and soft smiles and lingering touches. And of course all the skinship and fanservice, but that wasn’t Jonghyun, that wasn’t his Jonghyun rather.
They’d been in Kibum’s room; Jonghyun often liked to sleep in Kibum’s bed because you’re scarier than my nightmares, Bummie and Kibum couldn’t resist Jonghyun’s wide-eyed wobbly-lipped pout. Kibum is at least attempting to read, and Jonghyun is curled up next to him, humming every so often and nudging Kibum so he’ll continue petting his hand through their hair.
“Kibummie,” Jonghyun had said, voice quiet and shy but still sure, “Kibummie, I have something to tell you.”
And Kibum closes his book, because it’d been like this when Jonghyun said Kibummie, I’m gay and later Kibummie, I don’t think I’m a guy? Not all the way - I don’t know what I am, just...use gender neutral pronouns? At least in private, until I tell the others… and Kibummie, I think I’m pansexual, and maybe a bit poly too. Kibum closes his book, and turns to Jonghyun, petting their hair once more before reaching out to lace their hands together.
“What is it, Jonghyunnie?”
Jonghyun doesn’t answer for a few endless moments, and Kibum lets them think, knows that they need the time, need to figure out how to vocalize all the thoughts that are in their brain. “Kibummie,” Jonghyun whispers, “I think - I like you.” the way they say it sounds like a question, and while Jonghyun’s voice is shaking, their eyes are sure.
And Kibum freezes, because he doesn’t. Know what to say. Jonghyun seems to sense this, because they smile and pat Kibum’s hand before murmuring, “It’s okay, I just wanted to say it.”
Jonghyun sleeps in their own bed that night, and for every night after. (And Kibum tries not to notice that the dark circles under their eyes are only growing.)
Kibum doesn’t think he’s ever been in love. He loves himself, he loves his dogs, he loves his family, and he loves his members, but he doesn’t love anything the way they show in dramas and movies and books. He’s never felt anything like in the way their song lyrics show (he’s always the last to finish recording because you need to feel the lyrics, Kibum, sing like you’re in love) and he certainly has never loved anyone the way Jonghyun loves him.
Jonghyun loves with their whole heart, effortlessly and completely, and even though they do smile and blush and stutter over cute tall boys all the time, their heart is always true - their gaze lands on Kibum and they’ll immediately drift closer, however unintentionally. (There have been so many times where one of the members will ask Jonghyun about their preference of a cute boy, and each time they’ll say he’s cute, but not as cute as Kibummie.) Jonghyun is blatant in their affections even if they fall in love so, so easily, and Kibum is jealous.
At first it had been sweet, the way Jonghyun acted around him, but then it got annoying...and now Kibum misses it.
Kibum lingers in Jonghyun’s door now - Jonghyun is working on something on their laptop, bobbing their head to music only they can hear, and Kibum smiles. Jonghyun is always listening to music, and while they can’t flow with the music like Taemin does, sharp and fluid, their voice…
Jonghyun is singing now, one of the new songs from their album - Cocktail, Kibum thinks. The way their lips curve up into a smile as they sing makes Kibum smile as well, but then Jonghyun sings the next few lines and they smirk and god, it makes sense now, what Jonghyun had intended the lyrics to mean. (I’m taking a sip of you right now, I can’t stop - one sip, without wings - I’m flying, what’s in my hand isn’t a glass, I wanna take you slowly-)
Jonghyun looks up at Kibum then, that infuriating, lopsided little smirk still in place, and Kibum bolts. (He’s half impressed and half disturbed and maybe a little pleased. And maybe, just maybe, a little horny.)
There’s maybe a week until Jonghyun’s comeback and Kibum has been tuning into Blue Night every night, often falling asleep to Jonghyun’s soothing radio voice. On the nights where he doesn’t fall asleep, Kibum waits up until he can hear the front door open - he never goes out to see Jonghyun, but he always feels himself relax when Jonghyun gets home safe every night. And if Jonghyun’s steps slow as they near Kibum’s door, Kibum flicks off the lamp and pretends that he’s asleep.
Kibum is listening to Blue Night now, more than half asleep, and Jonghyun is answering calls - Kibum doesn’t pay close attention, instead focusing on the sound of Jonghyun’s soft voice. It’s when he hears an almost-familiar voice say Jonghyun-ah, do well on your comeback! I saw your new hair, you look very cute and I’m sure all your fans agree. Jonghyun giggles and Kibum can imagine the blush that is probably staining their cheeks before they say, “Joonyoung-hyung,” (and since when were they at that stage of friendship?) “I’m not the cute one, hyung.”
Jung Joonyoung’s voice is teasing when he says, “I disagree, but we can save that discussion for another time. I’ll let you get back to your broadcast - fighting!”
And that is all Kibum hears, because he is pissed. Beyond pissed, he’s pretty sure he’s never been more annoyed irritated enraged than in this moment. And when Jonghyun comes trudging in almost an hour later, Kibum comes right out to meet him, a scowl on his lips and rage in his eyes.
“What the hell, Jonghyun?”
“What?” Jonghyun is immediately on the defensive, and Kibum doesn’t really blame them.
“You called him cute. And he called you cute-”
An incredulous snort of a laugh before Jonghyun shakes their head. The smile on their lips is bitter and it fades into a frown as they speak, “I’m not your boyfriend or anything, Kibum. I don’t belong to you.”
And oh, Kibum realizes, because Jonghyun is right.
(He lets Jonghyun slip from his grip and watch them go back to their room, suddenly feeling drained.)
When he finally gets settled and in bed, Kibum can’t sleep. Which is unusual, because Kibum generally falls right to sleep, especially after long days and longer nights like these, but now - his brain won’t stop. He keeps thinking about Jonghyun (their smile and their laugh and their voice and the heat of their body and the soft of their lips) and about himself and about them - about him and Jonghyun as a group, as what could’ve been.
He thinks about what they could’ve had: stolen kisses and quiet I love you’s and endless nights of cuddles, and he wishes that he could go back and say something, anything to Jonghyun’s confession, wishes that he could go back and say I don’t like you now, but maybe- because while he had not liked Jonghyun then, he-
Kibum realizes then, how stupid he’d been, how blind he was to have not seen it earlier. Without thinking (it’s almost 3:30 in the morning and Jonghyun had said they didn’t like him anymore and they’re probably asleep anyway), Kibum rushes over and barges into Jonghyun’s room, nerves buzzing and adrenaline high. Jonghyun is awake - there is still defensiveness in their eyes but they relax when Kibum says,
“Jonghyunnie, I have to tell you something.”
They don’t say anything, they just sit down on their bed and gesture for Kibum to do the same. And Kibum is suddenly dizzy when he collapses into Jonghyun (it smells so much like them and like the candles spread out around the room and he’s so dizzy he can’t even speak, but maybe he’s just nervous) but he manages to say, “Jonghyun, I think I like you.”
And if this is anything like how Jonghyun had felt, god. Kibum so desperately wants to go back now. But he can’t, and this is now, so-
“I know.”
And - what? “What?”
“I know,” Jonghyun’s smile is almost apologetic, and they say - quote, rather - “a man travels the world over in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.”
And oh, Kibum thinks, oh.
He’s sure the swirl of emotion must show on his face, because Jonghyun kind of just laughs and continues explaining, “I kind of knew you wouldn’t know until...well. You know. The others were all kind of in on it, sorry?”
Kibum kind of wants to yell, kind of wants to punch the lopsided grin from Jonghyun’s lips, kind of wants to kiss them senseless, but all he does is sigh, and when Jonghyun beams up at him and pats the spot next to them up on the bed, Kibum sighs again (like going over to sleep next to his...his Jonghyun is the hardest thing he could ever do) before obeying and nestling down beneath the covers.
The sleep he gets that night, with Jonghyun curled up close, is the best he’s had in months.
