Life's been weird lately, tumblr. It really has. Josh claims to think that he isn't really hurting the people he preys on. That they should be smarter. That they shouldn't let themselves be victimized. When someone is so charming, it's hard to resist not falling for the things he does.
I'm gonna get a little personal tumblr, I hope that's okay and that it helps some other ladies that he's hurt.
I've been in several abusive relationships. Mentally, emotionally, physically... I've been through it all. When someone as charming comes along and tells you that he just wants to make your life better and just wants you to succeed in life and in your career, it sounds perfect. When he's telling you that he would just curl up with you while you study and would play with your hair and calm you down when the world seems too much, it feels like you've met the perfect person that understands how hard it is to balance everything. Right now I'm balancing a job, school, and an apprenticeship. He said that he understood how busy I was and just wanted to spend time with me when I had the time for him. I believed him. I trusted him. I wanted nothing more than to make his "tough" life better. I felt like we could help each other. I felt like what was wrong with me was good for what was wrong with him. Now I know I was so terribly wrong.
The thing is, I'm afraid to trust anyone now. I have a friend that I hurt last night because I just wanted space and he wouldn't give it to me. I'm afraid to let anyone into my life. I'm afraid to let someone cuddle with me. I'm afraid to be vulnerable because if I put myself in that situation then I'm opening myself up to being hurt again. Josh made me terrified to trust. Made me terrified to put my feelings out there. Made me terrified to open up to someone and feel like it's not all going to be thrown in my face. There were nights where I laid awake blaming myself for him hurting or him being mad at me for finding everything out. There were nights where I was so sick to my stomach that I couldn't sleep. There were days where I woke up and had to run to the bathroom and throw up because the stress hit me so hard so fast.
Josh likes to blame his victims, but we were never the ones making him stay up late sick to his stomach. He was never so upset that he had to stop and throw up half way to work on the side of the road. He never had to cry himself to sleep blaming himself for everything going on in his life. He slept soundly. I was there. I saw it happen.
Yesterday I found a new hiding spot to run away from, but my mind always follows me. I am haunted, and I feel like it's not going to stop any time soon.