Journal Entry 007
"I’m sick of always hearing All the sad songs on the radio All day it is there to remind an over sensitive guy That he’s lost and alone, yeah.” -Blink 182
I can’t forgive, can’t forget.
The date is Friday, February 20th, 2015. It’s been four days since I’ve seen or heard from you and it’s honestly killing me. My world, where are you? You’ve left me and I can’t seem to find where you’ve hidden my heart. Did you take it with you? Probably. You’ve walked away and have taken my heart with you to a place that is unknown to me. I kept thinking to myself that maybe if I looked hard enough, I would find you or I would find where you left my heart. I need to get that back, baby. It belongs to you and it will forever, but I need it in order to fix myself.
Can’t give in what went wrong,
The first night was definitely the worst. I didn’t know where you were. You left without a single word. I looked like a fucking idiot sleeping outside your door, but do you care? Do you even have any remorse for what went on Monday? I’m not saying it’s all your fault, because I know I’m not innocent. I started it and it looks like you’ve finished it with your little stunt of fleeing. I don’t want to love you anymore. You broke my heart and I can’t seem to find a way to stop the pain from swimming through the alcohol that I’ve tried drowning my veins in. I was trying to wash you away. You’re never going to leave, though. You’ll be in my heart, in my veins, in my mind forever. I don’t know if I’ll be in yours, but I hope your dreams aren’t haunted the way mine are.
Cause you said this was right,
I can’t help but think that if we didn’t tell each other that we would be forever, it wouldn’t of hurt as badly as it does now. I remember all the times you looked me in the eyes and told me this was it, I was the one for you. I told you similar things and for that I am, indeed, at fault as well. We’ve had little spats before, but this time is definitely different. You’re gone for good, I feel it in my bones. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I can’t even remember the last time I kissed your sweet lips. Who knows when that might happen again. I hope you’re finding a new life wherever it is that you went off to.
You fucked up my life.
I’m almost positively sure that I’ve always made it clear that I wanted to spend my life with you. I’m almost positively sure that I made it clear that I want kids. I will never stop wanting kids. You would be a fantastic mother, I don’t know how many times someone will have to tell you that before you realize it yourself. I love you so fucking much it hurts. Why did we have to go and ruin it all? Things were good, so good. One day, when you are a mother, I hope the asshole you’re with knows how fucking special you are and treats you right because I couldn’t even get you to give the topic a second look.
I’m kicking out fiercely at the world around me.
I was so mad. So fucking mad. I can’t even comprehend how mad I was at the time. That doesn’t compare to what I feel now, though. I’m frustrated. My whole world is completely flipped upside down. I didn’t pay for an extra month at this shitty hotel, so they’ve got someone lined up to take my room in a week. I didn’t use my plane ticket because I couldn’t stand the thought of going to New Orleans without you. We had plans! How could you just walk away from that? How could I watch you walk away from that?
What went wrong?