#journal entree

[whatwilltodaybring]

note 3

today has to be the day i stop smoking ouid lol. it can't be any later than now. this is going to suck but i am ready to accept the consequences (1). it has been too long. i didn't even know it at the time but i am proving that i dont have the discipline to protect my sacred new years resolution :( and on top of it, my throat is raw and inflamed.

no more lead. no more smoke! lets let my brain realign itself and settle again.

plus i don't even want to think about all the money i wasted at dispensaries over these last years...

i need to go and buy things like ice cream instead.

(1): ok ofc i say this now but i think this time its different

wish me luck!!! this is already feeling impossible but i need to last. time to reach deep.

idk what what is happening in the gif but this is what it feels like to quit smoking btw

[whatwilltodaybring]

note 2:

Apathy is the hardest emotion to deal with :( I don't have much positivity to share today but I am at a sweet little coffee shop writing right now so, it is better than it can be (1).

Wow, but honestly, perspective is such a bitch! The fact that I am here writing, in and of itself, is a good indicator. I have to stop being so hard on myself. Starting something is the hardest part and sometimes, I feel as though I lack the necessary activation energy to really get the ball rolling. Anyway, a lot has happened since my last note (2)!

The kitten incident

Sam moved to Koreatown

July 4

Ashley visit

Squirrel visits and bulbul departure

Venice beach trip

LA Pet fair

Began driving!

Hollywood walk and Union Station visit

I think sometimes a list of all that has happened is a good enough reminder for myself that life has not stopped.

______________________________________________________________

(1) I am at La Monarca in HLP and I ofc took advantage of the M-F BOGO 50% off deal and got a delicious Horchata Latte. The ladies there also gave me a shit ton of free bread too!! I was too hype!

(2) June 26 to July 16... at least it was less than a month!

[whatwilltodaybring]

note 1 today :D

today is the first day of this new blog. not my first tumblr account and not my second either. what will today bring?

as an (1) unemployed person, (2) i think every day does in fact bring new horrors (3). i patch my day up with hobbies and little work here and there and yet the horrors leak through.

the horrors glue me down like a sticky trap. it smells pathetic and sad as i am stuck facing upwards while the horrors ooze and drip down until it begins to drown me. sometimes the horrors cocoons me and it feels warm but thats when i know im complacent and under its spell. when you're feeling like you're dragged under, that is when you should begin flailing for your life.

i think in my life i have been taught not to flail. if you are to lose your mind, do so gracefully, non-chalantly. don't break the facade now! its been too long..... aaaaaaaaaand now i find it hard to fight.

there is something beautiful about fighting. i think it's the physical transference of anger. i think my anger has always been misplaced. i am not angry at myself or my emotions, i am angry at the horrors. what good is composure now (4)?

so here i am now, trying to fuck up my days (5) and it already feels like a better day than yesterday where i sat and did nothing (6). i got up, made a new recipe, cleaned my kitchen, coded and figured out some tumblr theme stuff, wrote, talked to the child outside, made fresh coffee, meal planned, texted a friend, and observed the bird's nest outside. a bit trite and mundane but i did more than yesterday and that is good. maybe i will read next...

what will today bring?

-something hopeful i fear!!!!

____________________________________________________________

1: currently

2: i don't feel like ascribing myself to anything today.... other than unemployed i guess...

3: where is the source of that quote from? could not find it with a quick search

4: i would like to say this is hyperbole, i do not believe it is the end times but i am feeling an overwhelming sense of doom rn

5: fuck it up. positively? for me my days are languished so somethings gotta change man and i feel like a good day isnt too comfortable

6: ok i puzzled and watched lisa frankenstein and love island

[smoke-b4-meditation]

September 4th, 2017

I haven't eaten meat for 4 days now. I'm proud of myself. It hasn't been as hard as I thought. Every other time I've wanted to do this I didn't have enough will power. Now I feel like I'm doing it because I actually want to. My will and actions are finally aligned. I don't even miss meat. Well I already only ate chicken and turkey (so I think that helped) but still. I don't miss chicken or turkey. I don't even crave it or anything. I've just been so excited about trying new foods and incorporating ingredients I don't usually use. I just started a food blog with my boyfriend for Newark too I guess I'm just going to the vegan side of Newark so I think it could work.

Over all I feel better emotionally. Not just because of the no meat but in general. I think the retrograde really helped me emotionally. I released a lot that was pent up and I've been speaking up where I normally wouldn't. It feels good. It feels right. It's empowering. I don't like holding things in. I festers and it's just not healthy for me.

I'm excited about life, for once.

[timberblog]

Post Tequila Wallowing

Date: May 8, 2016

Word Count: 0

Listening To: Mist On The Mountain by Geoffrey Castle

           So, the tequila thing did happen last night. Whether or not the effects of that are what’s hampering my writing, I dunno. But either way, I’ve been at this computer for several hours today and I can’t seem to get it right. I think I’m trying to force myself into editing a portion that’s not ready to be polished. That makes sense. This class involvement has helped immensely, but I need reminding that the flexibility is still mine. It’s not ready to be viewed like it’s finished, so I shouldn’t be treating it that way.

           The problem is, I don’t want to edit what little needs fixing in the Prologue, since that doesn’t seem fair to submit. And I don’t want to edit my short story. I suppose the class would be entirely disappointed with that. Then again, it’s not about them is it? I need to chill. More Southern Comfort is likely the medicine I need(lol great I’m an alcoholic).

I may or may not have just decided to keep on avoiding that first chapter for a while yet. Is that putting it out of mind, or am I doing the healthier thing for this story in the long run? I just so desperately want to be motivated today and it’s not happening. But it’s alright. This is the way things are sometimes. Everything will work out in the long run.

[dortykid]

Journal Entree #1: Inquest Suck

So I snuck into Rata Sum today to get a few drinks at one of the local bars. There we’re a few people there already so I sat down beside them and got pulled into the conversation.

I MIGHT have made them a little uneasy. Hey, not my fault I got a dragon in my head. Then again, it kinda IS my fault. . .

“tHE MOrtaLs lACk thE peRCepTiON To sEe uS FoR wHo wE aRE.”

“Yeah, I kinda realize that, Tas.”

Also learned something incredibly stupid today: it turns out the Inquest is a LEGAL organization thats ALLOWED in Rata Sum, I mean come on! Those guys are the ones who bust down people’s doors and rob them of their tiny scraps of paper! PAPER, I SAY. Why not just ask for credit by helping work on whatever that slip of paper is? I’ll never understand the Inquest. 

I’m starting to feel like giving T.K a pat on the head after that horrendous destruction he did to that one Inquest lab. Because if the Council won't do anything about them threatening people’s lives and working towards domination of Tyria, then WE will. Do they even CARE about other people in the city or what? Do they just allow the Inquest to roam around freely kicking people in the shins? It hurts, yaknow! 

I’m gonna do SOMETHING, not sure what yet, but unless the council does anything about those idiots, the Inquest are going to have to deal with ME. . . 

- Dorty

[swear-words-and-punk-rock]

I DON'T THINK SHE TRUSTS ME AS MUCH AS SHE SHOULD. 

(12/28/14) 10:14 P.M. 

 She treats me like I'm him and I can't fucking stand it. I'm the last person she should have trouble trusting. I can tell she isn't over him yet. I feel like I'm just an easy transition and I don't want to just be that to her. I want to mean something to her like she does to me... 

(1/3/15) 2:07 A.M. 

 She sent stuff to him and offered to blow him this weekend. I'm so fucking hurt. I didn't trust anyone like I did her and she just kicked my heart in the ass. I told her at the beginning of this that I didn't think she was over him and she insisted that she was, but guess who was fucking right... I'm avoiding crying. I don't think I want to be with her any longer. I don't think I can be with her any longer. 

(1/26/15) 11:25 P.M. 

 I'm stress vomiting again. I'm getting bad again, really bad. I haven't been this low since the last suicide attempt. My friends are worried about me. I don't think she realizes what she did... 

(1/29/15) 12:00 A.M.

 I don't feel bad at all. She deserves much more hate than what I'm expressing. 

(2/10/15) 10:55 A.M. 

 // Personal journal entrees //