#journal factory explosion

[koffinkittenn]

chloe is getting their first digicam and (non-school issued) laptop soon chloe is so excited !!

[penelopepennington]

LOL and LMAO - soft launching Gender 2.0 with the parents did NOT go at all well. (TW for transphobia)

We were on the phone and there was a bit of a comment about women who don't shave their legs even in hot weather, and that felt like a good segue into "well I've been thinking about my gender again recently".

Stunned silence.

"What does that mean?"

"Well you know, just how I feel about being a woman and if I really do feel like a woman?"

More silence. Lots of "I think the heat has got to you" and "it sounds like a mid life crisis" and "so long as you're not thinking of growing a beard next" (???) and then the absolute stunner "well there are only two options"

Oh GOD. Is that really where we are? I didn't realise this is how far back I'd have to go to have this discussion.

Me: well there's more than two options though, that's the thing...

Mum: what?

Dad: do you remember that photo of you when you were little? Wearing a plaid dress with a frilly collar? You were such a lovely little girl, and now it's all Doc Martens and hairy legs!

Me: Yeah...

Dad: I'm just saying some things are against the nature of the world

OH GOD

The thing is, I can never really tell when my dad is joking. He's always commented on me not being "girly", and I've always thought it was just a joke. And in conversations like these, usually my mum will step in and tell him not to wind me up, but her silence at this point was pretty loud tbh. So I'm still completely confused about what the actual tone of the conversation was. Because I was laughing to try and keep things light (and also because wtf??) but now I've not got a clue.

Mum: and what do you intend to do about all this?

Dad: what do you mean "do"? What is there to do?

Fucking hell. So at this point I'm so confused and starting to feel upset and in my head I'm thinking do they even know trans people exist?? Like, I'm not even coming out as trans, I'm literally just questioning the boundaries of womanhood, but do I need to shelve that and explain what being trans means??? Fuck me!

Me: well people have surgery, you know

That really did it.

Dad: No. No way.

Me: What do you mean no? I'm not saying I want surgery. I'm just saying that's something people do.

Then it was subject changed, end of conversation.

And like, coming out to them as bi was such a non-event, like it was "we'll love you no matter what" (so was that even true??) so I (naively?) expected this to be a nice discussion, maybe a bit of support about like "it's ok to question things" - even if they don't fully understand the terms and concepts. But outright transphobia?? How has this never come up before? How can they think I'm anything other than fiercely supportive of the trans community??? Wtf is happening???

That's before we even get onto comments like "this sounds like a midlife crisis" (implication: are you taking your anti-psychotics? And the answer to that is haven't taken them in 6 months and it's not been an issue, but whatever)

Anyway they're both visiting for a couple of days next week, so I absolutely cannot fucking wait for that!

And now I'm just sitting here feeling completely stupid because I *thought* I had broadly supportive and open minded parents. I *thought* we'd moved on from all the bullshit that happened in my teens. But it turns out I've fallen for it again and I can't even read my own family properly.

Also I'm nearly in my 40s so obviously their opinions are going to have no say over what I do or don't do with my own body, but still. I can't believe I continue to understand people SO BADLY. I can't believe I need to educate them about the concept of gender diversity before I can even begin to discuss how I feel about it. Tbh I'm not sure I can even be arsed. Let them educate themselves for once.

So yeah. Me and Penny are going to hit Ao3 hard for the rest of the evening and maybe have a little cry.

[dyke-dyke-goose]

tw: weight loss/body size/childhood

it’s so weird how our bodies fluctuate size and shape depending on so many factors. i’ve had a noticeable weight loss in the past 7 months since moving away from my parents, but i didn’t really see it until i found photos of myself from this time last year.

i havent been actively trying to lose weight really. I don’t own a scale and don’t see myself ever buying one in the future. but i feel like so much of the weight i was holding onto was due to trauma and stress. i had spent a year waiting for a job that never turned out, crazy depression, feeling like a failure, amongst living in a household and provinc that caused me a lot of strife.

and don’t get me wrong, im still depressed, unemployed and currently directionless LMAO but so much more happy. i look different but i also feel so different.

moving here and having access to amazing cuisine is such a contrast from the way I grew up and the food i ate living in the prairies. i was never really taught to cook, a lot of the food we ate was processed because it was affordable. was never really taught about nutrition, it was more like “eat whatever is quick to make and on sale” type shit. so i think being exposed to different types of food that i now enjoy has contributed to my body changing.

it’s hard to remain neutral about your body especially right now. and while trying to navigate the path to medically transitioning as well. the highly rated top surgeons here all go by bmi so…it’s kind of a mindfuck.

[loxias-exe]

i feel like a weird third gendered little freak all the time. and everything i do is some weird humiliation ritual. and everyone who looks at me does so with pity and disgust. oh my godd i need testosterone so bad

[koffinkittenn]

meeting my superrad @wayneyonfire tomorrow 🥇💚

im so cringe sorry I love you

[koffinkittenn]

happy birthday koffin kats <3 i could go on longgggg tangents about how they changed my life forever but ummmm

ok go listen to drunk in the daylight in full it’s my fav

[koffinkittenn]

new curry barker movie soon i need this

im obsessed with obsession

[koffinkittenn]

ive been really obsessed with michael jackson lately