Very personal me stuff that has nothing to do with rp whatsoever so you can ignore this if you feel like I won't be upset
(If you don't want a long summary of examples skip to the big-ass tldr)
I remember when I was in Young 5's-1st Grade (5-8 yrs old), and I knew this kid who I'm gonna call Homeboy G.
Homeboy G was great! We liked the same stuff, he was aesthetically pleasing to look at, I liked his style and was naturally drawn to him (As I'm typing this I'm wondering if I had a lil bit of gender envy towards him but shhhh we can confront that later).
So, as the little kid who was raised on Disney Channel and Nickelodeon due to a mom who didn't really know what she was doing and had to leave me with various babysitters to work and provide for the two of us, I assumed that I had a crush on this kid.
When my mom told me bedtime stories, Homeboy G would be the prince who saved the princess (*gagging noises*), and I would occasionally admit my crush on him to a close friend who I knew wouldn't snitch.
Fast-forward to 2nd grade; I had moved from Michigan to Arizona due to guardianship being handed over to my grandparents, I was at a new school and very much an asshole due to the Lil Bucket of Trauma that I carried with me at all times. I met this kid, who's real name was Richard (1. I say this because his nickname was different and I'm not sharing that because Richard is common and 2. His mom is my math teacher rn so thank Hodur she doesn't know what Tumblr is).
Richard was...alright? He was smart, looked alright, so little me looked at him and went "Yep that one". I even wrote a cringe love poem to him (I started young folks), which I don't remember the contents but ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww--
I was so dramatic about it, it was insaneee. He knew I had a crush on him, the whole class knew I had a crush on him, and I'm pretty sure the teacher had an idea of it too.
3rd grade: A dude named Jacob! He was a dick to his little brother, I have no clue what I was thinking
Skipping over 4th-7th grade, because I skipped 4th grade like the smart cookie I was (where did those brain cells go???) and the other grades had no crush-related incidents.
8th grade? It was this girl named Carly. Her name isn't actually Carly, cuz you can see a pattern where I only keep the most common-ass names honest and change the rarer ones, and also Carly was my shitty abusive ex-aunt so HAH SUCK ON THAT CARLY AND "CARLY"--
My crush on Carly developed from the beginning of the year since she was in my homeroom (homeroom is the first class of the day for my British friends, it was science for me) and my orchestra class.
Now Carly? She was an 8.5 out of 10. She was my eye-candy in both classes, I'd be staring at her like there was no tomorrow (except for when someone might notice). I started documenting my progress with potentially romancing her, and I got nervous when I realized that I didn't know if she liked girls or not.
Then I realized I was trans, and I went "Whelp problem solved"
My desperation to win Carly over stuck throughout the entire year, one time I cried because she snapped at me (not in front of her thank god, my grandmother had to deal with that).
AND THEN my best friend dmed me.
They told me about how another friend of ours and someone else would constantly go at them for being the first chair in the first violins (talented best friend <3<3<3), and how these two would say that MY bff didn't deserve their spot.
Who was the second person?
Fucking. Carly.
The moment I found out, I lost all interest in Carly. No more trying to get to know her or impress her, I didn't even TRY to get her side of the story (mostly because my BFF is the most honest person I know, they've only ever told white lies, and they definitely would ruin my view of someone I like unless the claims were legitimate), I just...dropped her instantly.
TL;DR - I was very weird and shallow about the people I liked.
For a few years, I've been dancing around the answer as to why. I thought I was asexual for a while, and then realized after a dream I am NOT going into that nope, I'm definitely sexually attracted to people, which was how I found the label of Bisexual that I still claim with pride to this day.
And to past me; A little confused, but you got the spirit.
It wasn't the sexual attraction I was missing, it was the romantic attraction.
I've been dancing along the line for a few years, sometimes going "yeah probably" and sometimes going "NO"
The only person I've ever told was my grandmother, and if you guys know anything about her then you know that she didn't take it well. Because she didn't.
She cried, was so scared that I'd never be happy and never find my soulmate and blehblehbleh.
Other than her? Not a soul.
But I've thought it over a lot, and a Youtuber who I used to watch as a tiny gremlin (Spoiler alert: It's JaidenAnimations) came out as aroace, and she talked about her experiences with being aro, and I realized that I Am Aromantic.
And I don't wanna hide anymore.
I was never into Homeboy G, or Richard, or Jacob or Carly. I was just into the idea of being with them. I had romance shoved into my brain since I was a little kid, due to being raised by a TV, and I thought that it was the most important thing on the planet, that I'd be unwhole without it.
And clearly, people around me feel that way too.
I thought romance was more of a promise (which it is) than an actual feeling. I thought it would happen to me eventually. I thought it was this great final puzzle piece to my being, and that maybe if I had a s/o I'd be less empty, less depressed, less dysphoric.
It doesn't work that way.
Am I shunning all possibility of a romantic relationship? No, I think I have the potential to be in one and actually enjoy it, I just have a rare view on what romance actually is that other people don't quite get. Aromanticism, like many things, is a spectrum. I also fall on the spectrum.
And the ironic thing is that realizing that I'm aro, I feel like the hole's been filled. I don't need a s/o to make my life complete, all I need is to be accepting of myself, and to be accepted by the people I find most important.
(P.S. When I say I don't have romantic attraction for people I am NOT including Vision from the MCU if he pulled out a ring I'd be putting it on my finger IMMEDIATELY--)
Also look at this neat sticker I ordered for my laptop. It's so neat dude--
Fin
