#juku rambles

[closetbanger]

i always thought tea was the best beverage of choice for writing.. like you get the scenery, right?

it's rainy, foggy midday. you got your cup of steaming tea and your favorite comfort blanket. you're writing your story, maybe headphones on and every now and then you slowly gaze over the notes that sit on the coffee table. you sip your sweet tea.

well...... eh.

your coffee table is a mess. there's random clutter all over it, sticky stains collect dust and for some reason, you haven't got time to take your half eaten sandwich to bin that has already grown mold pores around it.

you're trying to find that one particular note, hands sweaty and shaking from caffeine but all you find is disqualified plans, random grocery list from last year and your missing hair tie.

you've already written 2000 words but it's not enough. you need to write more, need to write FASTER, need to fix the whole pacing and push the plot forward but your characters are doing whatever they want and flipping you off while doing so. You erase half of the chapter, chugging your lukewarm coffee saying "I fucking hate this writing bullshit" and google 'another word for painfully' as your phone stutters because you have 104 tabs open and one of them is playing music. you don't know which one.

i love writing. and coffee.

[closetbanger]

it dawned on me that i have started to take (more) care of myself ...?

for context, I have always been an night owl. I sleep late and stay up all night. I don't know why but this has been going on since i WAS A TODDLER. well sometimes, the cycle switches and I have "normal sleeping schedule" and that,,,, doesn't last long. I get up at 9am, next morning at 10am, then 11am and so on and so on. i've had problems with meetings and appointments because of this.. because if I don't sleep enough or at all, i'm prone to get more dissociative which doesn't help my panic disorder.

i've been on (mental health) recovery programs for years. at first it seemed like nothing helps and there's no chance in hell i'll be able to live "normally". or atleast for me it felt and seemed like it.. until recent years things slowly got better. sure, there were major ups and downs but nonetheless I got more social, i wasn't depressed anymore and i genuinely wanted to move forward with my life. I wasn't scared to leave my home.

finally, i'm at that point in life where I can start planning my future and not my recovery and well...

i'm starting school ! for the first time in my whole life, i'm actually excited about studying. excited about graduating and possibly getting a job and here's the thing...

i've been waking up at 7 or 8am everyday for the past few weeks. the cycle didn't switch because I didn't let it. last night I stayed up around 1am but I had the alarm for 7am. I woke up, made some coffee and sat for a while... I was getting sleepy but I thought to myself "i'll push this through, i can't mess this up now." and I realized.. I have never done that before. Isn't this actually self care and not just self control...?

it is self care. I broke the cycle. I AM breaking the cycle.

It wouldn't be self destructive per se but it would harm my general well being,, by falling asleep it would most likely mess up my sleeping schedule and I, most likely, won't be able to leave the house because of my paranoia and anxiety.

I also realized the pack I made (days before, mind you) for school is self care. it's not just a survival kit, it's a self care package which will ease my mind and possibly prevent symptoms from happening.

i am not only doing these things because I need to but because i WANT to. I want to get better, I want to live as comfortably as possible and I want to take care of myself. "normal", whatever that even means anymore, might not be possible but being less uncomfortable is and that's more than enough.

but yea... i guess I wanna say that it will get better. even if the recovery takes years and even if it feels like there's no progress, things will move forward. one day you'll realize that you matter. you don't only matter for others but also for yourself.

most importantly for yourself.

[closetbanger]

two things i hate:

drinking coffee but instead of waking up i'm tired and sweating and my heart's beating slightly faster.

drinking alcohol but instead of the buzz I get tired with extra steps.

[closetbanger]

tell me why i see ONE (1) cool looking masked guy and I start foaming from my mouth acting like a rabid dog because "i need to draw [oc], i need him so mucj rn"

[closetbanger]

every year i'm like "this time i'll set my boundaries straight. i'll start thinking for myself." and then something absolute fucking ass happens and I can't hold my boundaries and I swear the next time i'll go batshit (meaning i'll set clear boundaries) but the cursed cycle repeats and repeats and repeats and one day it might actually end me.

because tell me why the fuck almost 80% of my problems could be solved if I just told more people to fuck off.

[closetbanger]

week of waking up heart pounding and feeling like i'm gonna puke but I finally met my comfort character in my dreams.. i also gave him a hug and he hugged me back so that was nice. he's really a nice guy.

(i met one of my ocs)

[closetbanger]

I didn't realize there's only 4 seasons and not 5... while watching 2nd last episode.

partner: btw this is the last season

me: wait what, say fucking sike right now WHAT

this has to be one of the interesting animated series I have ever watched. I really like the pacing, plotlines and the characters. (good and the bad ones). man I can't WAIT for the fifth season but thank god we have ao3.

[closetbanger]

just binged the first season of invincible.... man oh man I i really like the story pacing,, all those characters are really likeable, maybe too likeable... i think i might aswell binge this whole series in one or two sitting.