#jupiterstorms

[lethargicluv]

I’m still writing for Fall, I’ll Catch You I’ve just been really busy TT I work 35+ hours a week right now while desperately looking for a better one so I can resign before my 8 week toilet cleaning shifts. I work weekends too so I’ve basically said good bye to most of my free time.

[lethargicluv]

Men make me want to throw up… ugh.

[lethargicluv]

I always get so angry when people speak to me about the dreams I harbour but cannot speak into the day.

The subject feels wrong, sensitive in a way that feels too raw.

Like gravel under my skin that I'm not ready to show anyone.

When it doesn't go as quietly and as well as I plan I'd rather give up than try again.

I don't want help or to talk about it until I have something to show for the foolish little hopes I've been hiding.

I feel like a wounded animal trying to hide rotting flesh from the people who feed me.

[lethargicluv]

I always hope that my smile haunts you far into the future.

I hope my smile haunts you always.

I hope you get traumatic flashbacks about the way I smiled at you while delivering bad news.

May your memory be haunted by the way my eyes smiled without light.

You’ll forget everything about me and still remember the way you felt when my smile held no warmth.

My malice will remind you of caution.

You should have listened to the meddler.

The interferer.

A bearer of unwanted knowledge.

Harbinger of clarity.

I am the most honest and deceitful you will ever meet.

[lethargicluv]

Some days I randomly feel super unloved when all my plans with my friends suddenly fall through and I have to remind myself that I'm just dramatic and sensitive. All I really want to do is share what's been going on in my life and ask for advice on what to do because I think I might be in a pretty bad spot right now. There's just no urgency for my friends. That lack of attention from the people I'm trying to seek help from regarding the issues and situations I'm facing at work have me wanting to be stupid by filling that need for attention and protection from a man who I don't know well. This cycle feels vicious. I feel unloved and uncared for by the people who should be there for me. I keep telling myself that they all have their own lives but the reality is that they're all selfish and don't actually care enough to set aside time to make sure I'm actually going to be okay. I could be assaulted tomorrow or next month. By definition and description of what I've been subjected to I'm harassed on the daily. I've had no choice but to turn a blind eye until I've figured out how to best remove myself from this position. When I say I don't want to go to work I mean it so much more than just a general dread for the tasks, I don't want to have to be so afraid of a man at work.

[lethargicluv]

You know what upsets me?

Making a plea for help and no one answering cause everyone’s too selfish to actually be a girl’s girl or spend the time trying to help someone out.

Everyone’s so afraid to give their opinion or think any harder than the simple obvious solution that doesn’t work when you better understand the situation.

I’m scared. Constantly. Even if I don’t seem to be. I only appear strong and unfazed because I can’t afford to let these men know that they do hold power over me with their sexuality and sexualization of who they imagine I am.

I feel hunted. I’m always anxious and stressed but I keep it to myself until it spills from me like this. When I feel like I must action to extricate myself from their reach.

And no one I’ve spoken to about it will even spend the appropriate amount of concern besides a male coworker whose idea of a solution could get ME fired by HR or sued.

Everyone’s too tired and preoccupied with their own life to spare me the energy and time for help.

Even my mother oversimplfies and doesn’t quite grasp the potential danger this position she’s forced me to stay in may bring me.

She’s put my job above my safety and wellbeing.

Because ignoring men and saying no should alway work shouldn’t it? And you’re just overthinking and complicating it all aren’t you?

I’m always hoping for the best but preparing for the worst because I’ve seen what men who want something from you would be willing to do.

I want to be a girl’s girl but when my own safety feels like it’s been put in jeopardy I’m not ashamed to admit that I’d be willing to throw someone else under the bus.

If you’re comfortable with sex and drinking and being more liberated with your body you may not feel the danger I feel pressing down upon me but as someone who fears sex and holds tight to my own discipline being trapped between two interested men who have shared a woman before, I’ve never felt more threatened.

No prince will come save you, princess. Run for the lesser evil if it’ll grant you more safety than the other.

Roll the dices on your choices. You may not always be right but what matters is that you weighed the odds of your safety and tried to restore them in your favour.

[lethargicluv]

Update: work has somehow gotten worse

[lethargicluv]

What if I just quit my job