can i tell you all something?
i don't wanna seem like an attention whore, or anything along those lines.. you all know i moved to the Philippines. you all probably noticed i changed. my humor has changed, i haven't been on all that much. i practically dissappeared. it's true. i did dissappear. the old Jae is gone. it's been tough trying to get used to the new life i'm living here. everything's so different. the people, the places, everything. i feel so alone. like i'm empty. there's no one to live for. sometimes i question why i feel so alone ever since i left California. everyone's been telling me my attitude has changed. they would question me why. to be honnest, i can't think of a reason why. i can't explain exactly what i'm feeling, or why i'm feeling this way. i just know that i'm alone, and i don't want to feel like this anymore. sometimes i wonder what life would be like on the other side. it's quite stupid actually. i know i told you all i would never harm myself, that i would never think of ending it. but right now, because of all of this..it feels like the only option for me to be happy. and i wouldn't think of doing this without a reason. i wouldn't do it just to get attention. you all know me and my fear of knives, but there's something inside of me that just wants to let go of it all. i want to be happy. i want to be loved. i don't wanna do this anymore. i miss the way things were. and to be honest, i've been thinking of ending it for a while. but there was always one thing that's been keeping me alive. and that one thing is this fandom. you guys can make me laugh with the stupidest things said or done. you all make me smile just by saying, "i missed you Jae!" just knowing that i mean something to you guys doesn't make me feel alone. so i wanted to personally thank some of you for everything: Nathalie: thanks you for just being amazing to me since day one. you were my first 5er friend, and you mean a lot to me. thanks for inspiring me to become a 5er and write. i love you! :D Shannon: you suck and i love you. thank you for all the times you made me feel important. (: Nikki: i thank God for giving me such an amazing fetus friend like you i truly do appreciate all the times you pushed me into doing something. because of you, Dana knows i exist. i love and thank you! Ana: i honestly don't know what to say. thank you for your amazing advice. thank you for just being yourself. for always encouraging me and telling me things will always get better. i love you so much DJ banANA! Madi: thanks for just being yourself. thanks for being one of the most awkward people i know. you make my day with your comments. you're amazing and i love you! Annika: thank you for always making me smile with your tweets. i love seeing you get hoed by different people. lol but most importantly, i love you. i can't thank you enough for how amazing you make me feel. corny, but it's true. (: Morgan: you just make me feel important okay. complimenting my writing when it's crap. you're just overall fantastic and i thank you for making my day with your hilarious comments. 4 for you! i love you! Tyler: we haven't talked for that long, but we got close pretty quick. thanks for being a fat lard. lol i love you lots. you're beautiful and amazing and just ugh. (: those are just some of the girls that make me feel loved. they make me feel important. with their friendship, they stopped me from saying goodbye. never stop being the annoying, sometimes irrelevant, weird, awkward, abnormal, and overall ghett0 fABULUZ girls i know and love. i appreciate you all. thank you.
