#justshea

[shealynn88]

I’ve been a lurker lately. Not even lately. 2024 was a weird year. A lot of good, a lot of meh. I’m always looking for balance, and that’s meant stepping back from tumblr and fandom quite a bit.

But I want you all to know how much I appreciate you. I decided recently to accept every post that comes across my Tumblr as a gift, and it’s changed my sense of economy and what is owed in any direction. I get so many gifts every time I come here. An embarrassment of riches, really.

You all are amazing and I appreciate you, even when I can’t say it. You folk who still tag me in things, or still think of me when I’m underground are especially loved. You owe me nothing, but seeing my name on a game post or a creation is incredible.

Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️

[shealynn88]

I have shared custody of my dogs. They were with me this weekend and they had a pack of velveeta as a pill delivery system. I could not find the pills for the life of me. Not in the bag, not in the fridge. Nowhere at all. I did give them some cheese as a treat. The pills were an appetite stimulant and the problem child was eating so I didn’t worry too much about it.

Today, puppies get picked up. I go to take the cheese out of the fridge.

the pills are ON TOP of the cheese slices, in the packet. They are in a position I had to ACTIVELY work around to get the piece of cheese out. When I tell you I did not see them, like, I would have sworn under oath they weren’t there. Finding them felt like a prank.

but since the same thing happened with my seltzer on Saturday and a few other things recently, I think it’s legit. I do not like it.

[shealynn88]

I am filled today with the feral sort of joy and inability to find literally anything that comes from too little sleep and too much passion.

[shealynn88]

That feel when you read something old and think, ‘oh, damn. I could really write, huh?’

[shealynn88]

There are less rules than you think.

[shealynn88]

in so many ways I’m sort of melting down, but I just received a massive bag (12 pounds) of soy curls, and I have my protein needs set for the winter. This bitch is ready to hibernate!

[shealynn88]

well. I think you’ve hit on the issue, which is that the point of prison is not even remotely to decrease recidivism. nowhere is there evidence that the reason you’d put people in prison would be so they don’t come back?? the point is to keep them there. the point of prison is to exercise state control of populations that threaten their power, and more specifically to control and punish Black, poor, trans people (especially trans women), immigrants, etc. the purpose of a system is what it does. it’s not misplaced efforts or a dissonant mistake where they’re like i want profit and i also want to keep people healthy or out of prison - the system specifically wants to disenfranchise. so it does

Oh, to be clear, I don’t think any of this is accidental - not in prisons and not in healthcare. Like, the US didn’t trip and fall and discover it was incentivizing the wrong things. Absolutely agreed, there.

But, the STATED purpose of prisons is to reduce recidivism. If we take them at their word (in the US, based on the BOP), then that is the goal… and having a for-profit prison whose mission is reducing inmate populations definitely creates a conflict of interest. There’s a lot of reasons that we ignore this direct, simple mismatch, and those are not remotely simple, but I do think my original point stands which is - when maximizing profit is in direct opposition to the stated goal of a business, that business should not be for-profit. And that should not be controversial.

[shealynn88]

today: I’m going to try to sit with my feelings a bit and try to figure out why I’m such a freak show lately.

7 am: tired, fuzzy, syrupy

9 am: focuses, tired, low level anxiety/restless in my chest

11 am: I really want to run away, restless and anxious in my chest and head. Why? Don’t WANNA (do this extremely basic work thing). Allow inner child a small tantrum, take lunch.

1 pm, 2 pm, etc: varying degrees of can I run away now?

4 pm: make a deal. 15 minutes, takes some breaths, do the thing. Put on NIN. Do 3/4 of the thing. I feel pretty good. Nice. Less like I must run screaming.

11 pm: Chest tight, stress and anxiety. Restless!!! But…we’re just going to sleep?

CHEST: ANXIOUS. Run away!

I have not had anxiety before, much. I’m getting a little cranky, honestly. Sleep helps but only if I allow myself to DO it!!