"you can't erase what happened"
For the angsty sentence starters.
"I wasn't trying to."
It erased me, she wanted to say. It felt too overdramatic. So, she swallowed it until it threatened to come back up, and then she swallowed it again and it burned her throat with the bitter bile she forced back into her stomach.
She was distinctly less than when she started. She could feel it at the edges of everyone's mind and hers too on occasion when she looked at pictures, tried to pick at the memories they held, tried to stuff them back into her brain and into her heart. Did she ever grin that big really? Did she ever make that face? The one she saw in her contact photo on her sister's phone where she was all narrowed brows and frowning -- she must have once. Right?
"They emptied you. Do you even know what you would've said to me before you died?" The echo of Brendan's voice in her head and her answer -- the obvious no, no I don't. And he laughed and laughed and she knew that she should have responded. She should have thrown something at his fucking head, but her hand didn't move, and she didn't feel the urge either. It slid over her like oil on water; never to touch. It pooled on the surface of her understanding a swirling rainbow, and if she grabbed for that slick and multi-colored spill it only splintered into its own bubbles -- still inaccessible.
But she could do -- she could do more than she could before. She knew that too. Some of the things that used to make her cringe or douse her in cold water didn't so much as raise her heartbeat (when she had one). Anything that touched her she could respond with a force to be reckoned with. And wasn't that what she had wanted? Didn't she want to be untouchable?
"There's nothing that can change it. I know that, don't worry I do know that. And even if I could... even if something could --" Lucy fell silent. The end of the sentence was easy to guess, but she couldn't find it in her to finish it.