And a vision of the future which is bleaker than yesterday.
Alongside the brutal reality that my mental illness will accompany me my whole life unless there is a magic cure for manic depression.
A word I am supposedly not supposed to use, but that seems to sum up my situation better than society's misconstrued notions of what bipolar disorder even is.
Where do I find hope
I try to remember my reasons why to keep living
On the verge of giving up I remember my little sister who cried when a mouse died in a book
I have hope she will live a good life
That my other siblings will also
And for now that will have to be enough
But damn, sometimes I remember Google let me know the most painless way to commit suicide is simply by running a car in a closed garage.
It sounds like going to sleep forever, peacefully unaware.
The relationship between my dad and Chelsea’s mom did not last, but from it I gained a half brother and sister. Once I grew much older the thought of the vulgar games Chelsea and I played as kids haunted me. When my half sister told me Chelsea had taken a car from home and run away as a teenager I thought it was somehow my fault. As far as I know, our games remained unknown to this day and our secrets outlived my father.
I think the fact we kept the game a secret was an indicator we knew something wasn’t right, but also by the time we could figure out how messed up it truly was it had been a secret for too long to bother mentioning it. It was too embarrassing to bring up again. Plus, it was enough to make someone’s skin crawl to think about what happened or how much worse it could have been. We were about 6 or 7 when our games began, and not much older when they stopped. Thank God they stopped.
I still have three parents alive who do not know of our story. Two of them are step parents, though I’m not sure my step mom is truly still my step mom since my dad died two years ago. I’m not sure how the technicalities work on that one.
My step parents were amazing. My step dad reminded me of a goofy older brother figure and my step mom, while sometimes critical, really stepped up to the plate to be another parental figure to me. My step dad taught me how to ride a bike. My step mom taught me the importance of writing thank you cards. They both helped me grow.
The story of my mom and step dad was sweet, strange, and romantic. My mom was a single mother trying to make ends meet without the help of child support and my step dad was a fellow CNA at the place where he worked. He also had experience working on airplanes and was a member of the army. While I do not condone the actions of our military overseas and the wars our politicians sign up their civilians for, I will say, there was a lot of sacrifice involved in serving the country.
While my step dad was away in Afghanistan, or perhaps it was Iraq, my mom worked multiple jobs to keep up with bills. She also took me along with her to deliver phone books, the Yellow Pages, so we could afford to send my step dad care packages. Now, these care packages were sometimes genuinely thoughtful and oftentimes filled with pranks.
One time my mom sent exploding tea bags and quickly had to send the message they should not be used when she discovered my step dad’s unit was on a water ration. Another time she sent his buddies a fake plastic snake to put near his bed. After he got over the scare he continued to use the plastic snake to frighten his other friends.
Sometimes, we just sent my extra Halloween candy. And my mom would throw in a couple prank candies like garlic flavored candy just for fun. Later on she would say she tricked him into marrying her by pretending to be more fun than she actually was. I say, he knew what he was signing up for when he stuck around after I wrapped my used and smelly cast in a gift box for one of his birthday gifts. It was red, white, and blue and, in my eyes, hilarious.
Note: I hope to update a minimum of once a month (but not much more because I’m in school)
Tonight was her last night. Not on Earth or anything, just her last night before she became a test subject in a month long science experiment. Ella was ready, well mostly. She still had to make her mom’s birthday card, but instead of doing that she found herself at a bar with her two best friends. It was the last time she would see them for quite some time and she had all morning to finish her mom’s birthday card. It could wait.
“Can I leave my wallet in your bag?” asked Delilah.
“Yeah, of course,” said Ella.
Delilah reached for Ella’s purse. Instead of putting her wallet away, Delilah pulled out a pack of cigarettes.
“Since when do you smoke?” she asked.
“I don’t,” said Ella.
“Then what are these?” asked Delilah.
“Cigarettes, but I’m not addicted or anything.”
Delilah looked at the pack of Marlboro in her hands and shook her head. “What would your mom say?”
Des walked to their table, a beer in each hand. She was Delilah’s twin sister. They looked nothing alike and though their personalities were quite different they were still each others bestfriends. Des sat down across from each of them. “What’s that you’ve got there?” she asked. “Delilah?”
“Yeah, Delilah? Cigarettes, really?” said Ella.
“They’re yours,” said Delilah, rolling her eyes.
“No they’re not,” replied Ella.
“I pulled them out of your bag.”
“But did you really,” continued Ella.
Des looked at Ella and laughed. “You’re such a bad liar,” she said.
“Well, it was a bad lie,” replied Ella.
“Throw them away, now,” said Delilah.
“But that’s wasteful,” said Ella.
“The trash, now. Or we’re leaving,” she continued. She pointed to the front of the bar, but Ella didn’t want to slide out from the booth. She was comfortable in the booth, and she wasn’t interested in walking past the small crowd to shamefully toss away a pack of cigarettes that she only sort of planned on smoking. She was suddenly aware of how crowded the front of the bar was. She could feel her face flush red.
“Can I at least pass ‘em off to a stranger,” tried Ella.
Delilah stared at Ella with her mouth set in a firm line, and her eyes narrowed. Des pulled out her phone and took a picture, the cigarettes clearly displayed in Ella’s hands.
“I’m setting this as my new screensaver,” said Des.
“God, please don’t,” said Ella.
“Too late,” replied Des.
“Damn it,” Ella looked at the empty table behind her and leaned over, placing the cigarettes there. “Alright, they’re gone, moving on.”
“This is the reason you’re single,” said Des.
“Yeah, and what’s your excuse?” asked Ella.
“Who said I was single?”
There was a short pause before Delilah laughed. She looked at her phone, smiling.
“What’s got you laughing?” asked Ella, peeking over Delilah’s shoulder.
“It’s just Louis,” she said.
“You aren’t going to ditch us for your boyfriend, right?” asked Ella.
“Nah, he’ll probably join us later,” she replied.
It was quiet for a few seconds. “This is boring, should we go somewhere else?” asked Ella.
“You need to chill, girl.” said Des. She looked around briefly until she saw him. “Why don’t you talk to that guy over there?”
“Why don’t you?” asked Delilah.
“Because I have a boyfriend,” replied Des.
“No you don’t,” said Delilah.
“Ha! Who’s the liar now!” said Ella.
“I think he’s looking at you now, Des,” said Delilah. Des drank from two glasses of beer, pulling each of them to her lips at the same time before she started to giggle. It was difficult to not look at her.
“Stop staring, Des! This guy’s gonna think you’re weird,” said Ella. “Well, he’ll think you’re weird because you are weird. So, I guess it’s whatever.”
“Now he’s looking at you,” said Delilah. “Try lowering your voice a little, why do you always have to be so loud?”
“Sorry,” said Ella. “Des, mom says you need a boyfriend. She thinks you’re too pretty to be single.”
“I’ll find a boyfriend if you walk up to that stranger and hand him your cigarettes,” said Des.
“Okay, but why?”
“You said that’s what you were going to do, right? Pass them off to a stranger? What, are you scared now?” asked Delilah.
“No, of course not. I just don’t want to look weird,” said Ella. “And why don’t you talk to him? You’re the one who needs a boyfriend.”
“I don’t need a boyfriend,” Des paused for a second, thinking. “And I’ll go talk to him if you hand him your cigarettes.”
“So what you’re saying is that neither of us will talk to him?”
“I won’t if you don’t,” said Des.
Delilah sighed and said, “guys, he’s already gone.”
The rest of their night passed much the same. They exchanged banter and said their goodbyes and before they knew it it was one o’clock.
“Shit,” said Ella. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”
“What? Is it past your bedtime?” Des questioned.
“No…. it’s past my curfew,” replied Ella.
Des and Delilah started to laugh.
“It’s not funny,” said Ella. “You know how my parents are.”
“It’s a little funny,” said Delilah.
Ella glared at her.
“Right, well this was a lovely goodbye and all, but I have to go,” said Ella
“We’ll miss you,” spoke Delilah sincerely.
“And I’ll miss you too. It’s only a month though. I can’t believe you guys didn’t apply. I mean, a 10,000 dollar scholarship. That’s crazy,” said Ella.
“Yeah, but you have no clue what you’re getting yourself into. Did they even tell you what you would have to do?” asked Des.
“I mean it was vague. There’s some MRI’s involved and cognitive testing, but I think it’s all pretty straight forward,” said Ella. “And like you said it is past my bedtime. I have a long day tomorrow. I love you guys, bye.”
“Gross,” said Des.
“We love you too, but no hugs. Seriously,” said Delilah.
And that was how Ella’s night ended. If you don’t include her long drive home towards the countryside. She got home and into bed as quietly as she could and when she woke up it was already one o’clock.
“Shit,” she muttered when she saw the time. And she quickly got to work on her mother’s birthday card. An hour later her father came into her room and he stood just a little to close while he looked over her shoulders. The sound of his breathing irritated her.
“I’ll only be gone ten weeks, dad. Can you give me some space? I’m trying to make mom’s birthday card,” Ella said.
Scattered in front of her was an array of papers of varying shapes, textures and colors alongside a sharp knife and ruler that Ella used to cut the paper into various designs. Various scraps were skewed out in front of he and there was no card to be seen except the multiple ones that lied in the trash beside Ella’s feet.
“What do you need a knife for to make a birthday card, huh? I don’t think you’re ready for this research project. Ten weeks alone? You’ve been in and out of a hospital all year! And now you’re playing with that damned knife…” said her dad.
“Making a birthday card!” Ella insisted.
“Look at this mess! You can’t even keep your room in order. Haven’t you even considered just spending one summer like a kid your age. You haven’t ever had a boyfriend and at this rate you’ll die alone surrounded by cats,” he said.
“Talk like that is how I ended up in a mental ward,” Ella muttered.
“God damnit Ella, you need to grow up! I can’t trust you alone after what you did,” he said.
“It was a panic attack.”
“What is wrong with you!” He yelled.
“This! This is what’s wrong with me! I can’t even make a damned birthday card for mom without you screaming in my face! Don’t pretend you didn’t do the same years before this shit…”
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I’m your father,” he said.
“Hardly,” Ella muttered.
“That’s it I can’t take it anymore! Just leave!”
“I plan on it! In five hours! That’s why I’m making this stupid card a month early! I have to be in isolation with a bunch of strangers for ten weeks! Can’t you just make this one day pleasant, please. I’m trying to do better. I swear.”
“Fine! Then don’t come downstairs until you have to leave. And give me that damned knife,” he said.
Ella looked down at the paper edges that I was nearly finished cutting into daisies.
“Can I just finish this…”
“Now!” he yelled.
Ella gently handed the knife over to him. Her hand around the handle and the blade pointing gently downwards as he lightly grabbed it from her hands. Ella looked at the clock over his shoulder, two lines which pointed towards missing numbers. Their placement told her it was anywhere between two thirty and two forty-five.
“Dad, I lost track of time. I need to pack and be out the door in an hour,” She lied.
“This right here is the shit I’m talking about. How do you plan to spend ten weeks alone when you can’t even pack a suitcase the night before you leave?” he asked.
“It will take ten minutes tops. I only need a few outfits and what not,” Ella replied.
“Fine. But if you’re not packed and downstairs in thirty minutes then you’re not leaving for the summer.”
His face which had simmered red had finally begun to pale. Ella instantly regretted her lie. She just wanted to leave whenever he started to yell. She hadn’t even considered he would cut her hour in half. When he shut the door behind him she started to panic. She looked at the cards in the trash can and pulled out the one she thought was the least atrocious of the three.
‘Well I guess this is it,’ she thought. With a tiny stick of glue she pasted a daisy to the inside of the card and quickly jotted down an old poem she remembered her mom reading to her as a kid.
‘I see winter frost that clings to early springtime
The trees that burst into life and shortly die
The cherry blossom rising in the sunlight
Before it shivers and falls at night
Until the day life grips the branches tight
To bring a universal sign of warmth
Which promises to give us light
As the Earth releases her first breathe of the season
-Love you mom, see ya soon
Now summer has arrived
And it’s time to say goodbye
I’ll see you all tomorrow
Though tomorrow is months away
A final word before this goodbye
I’ll love you all ‘till the day I die
(even dad, though he makes me so angry, with love)
Ella looked up at the undefined clock on her wall. It was either time to be downstairs or she had five minutes. She quickly ran to her closet and grabbed the first few shirts she saw before opening her dresser. By the time she ran downstairs she realized she forgot her mom’s birthday card on the counter.
“One minute!” She said.
She ran upstairs and snatched the card from her desk before she ran down again.
“I must be… really out of shape,” she said while she waited for her breathes to slow down. “What’s this?”
On the countertop was a cake with one candle lit on top of it, surrounded by gifts.
“It’s our birthday party,” her mom said.
“Ours?”
“Well you’ll be gone for ten weeks, right?” she asked.
“Yeah, but my birthday isn’t until September. It can wait,” said Ella. “Your birthday is first so I made you a card. It’s not very pretty so just read, don’t look.”
Her mom opened the card and smiled.
“It’s my favorite poem,” she said. “And what’s this?”
“I wrote another stanza, to say goodbye,” Ella said.
“That’s so sweet dear,” her mom said as she hugged Ella gently, careful not to bend the card which had previously been in the trash. “And I got you something as well.”
She reached towards the counter and picked up a small silver chain. A small silver crescent moon curved gently from the silver string. The charm was so thin that it looked like it would disappear if she turned it to the right angle. Ella loved it.
“You know how the moon pulls the tides heavier when it’s full? Well I bought you this to remind you not to be pulled under the waves. The moon’s low and there’s nothing but gentle waters ahead, okay? I want you to remember we love you. Stay safe and call us as soon as you get there. Okay?” her mom asked.
“Well hurry up. You have ten minutes and we haven’t even cut the cake,” said Ella’s dad.
“Is that why you wanted me to hurry? I may have gotten the time wrong, just a bit. I actually have two hours before I need to leave.”
