Hello!

and goodbye.

[high-quality-tiktoks]

it’s been a few days and he loves it

[claptrap14]

[lesbianjaxsondart]

if you put the new harry potter show on my dash in any way it's gonna be an automatic unfollow from me, guys. like. it's 2026. come the fuck on

[flyforever]

As extreme as my emotions can be gotta admit I really don’t want to be medicated…

[markovchaingang]

we must protect the sanctity of divorce

[flyforever]

For real, the only thing that could have made my childhood worse was if my parents stayed together. The hatred between them was tangible

“But think about the children!”

Trust me I knew they were better off separated

[flyforever]

Dad “you’re just your mom’s free babysitter”

Stepdad “you’re just your dad’s retirement fund”

Loved the game of tug of war it was real fun

[flyforever]

Dad died so I guess mom finally won

It wasn’t fun being the rope glad it’s over

Dad always wanted me to have a sense of humor. This one’s for you old man!

[flyforever]

Dad “you’re just your mom’s free babysitter”

Stepdad “you’re just your dad’s retirement fund”

Loved the game of tug of war it was real fun

[flyforever]

Give it at least 2 weeks

Last week was not good

Flashbacks and regrets that’s all

Me and my sometimes picture perfect memory

I can remember the bench where I sat in Toledo to smoke away my stress 

And the decaying lungs on the back of the pack of cigarettes

Didn’t work

Shocking

I remember where I was walking when a boy in middle school asked me “ARe YoU CRyinG”

As if he fucking cared

It was the wind asshole

When it’s real you’ll know

Anyways

That memory of mine

Comes back to bite me in the ass sometimes

The memories got worse with age

I wish I could bleach out my brain

If I remember the little things imagine the fever dream of COVID bullshit

I don’t remember the times I was blackout drunk at least

Apparently there’s only non consensual images of that saved on someones phone

Oh JOY

Too many regrets

But oh well

Painkillers would be a quick solution to a past problem

Of course the past is always somewhat present unlike the future

But the future would be present for Mary if I harmed myself

Like always, who cares about everyone else

Gotta fixate on not killing yourself for your sister because that’s where the guilt would be the strongest

I’m doing just fine

Back to square 1

It’s humiliating

The “interactions”

Memories

And nightmares

And craziness

And sometimes my dad

RIP

[flyforever]

-no more drinking because it's bad for you and you said you wouldn't after dad died

-SIKE, alcohol is my favorite unhealthy coping mechanism

-start running again (half-marathon training)

-healthy foods

-no more gambling why the fuck

--scratch that credit card debt

---don't buy cars with credit cards bad lesson dad

-take meds and hope the rape nightmares actually stop

--wait, meds don't help with that

-progress is no more rape nightmares for me

--funsies

---sorry about the lampshades, I had a nightmare my dad raped me

----THANKS UCHICAGO

-I mean Robert

--I don't want him in jail, but I hope he suffers

---at the minimum

-THANKS FOR THE RAPE NIGHTMARES EVEN THOUGH THEY FUCKING SUCKED but in the tune of Fall Out Boy

-I know we didn't discuss safe words, but I said "stop" 3 times, I believe...but it might have ONLY been twice my bad.

-stop, that's pretty self explanatory

-what's consent? stopping and taking your you know what out of you know where when someone says stop because "NEWS FLASH" sometimes sex is painful

-What a dick

-can't believe I lost my virginity to that creep

-what was he thinking, 'I'm going to take the virginity of a drunk freshman in college right before I graduate, SCORE'

-I hope his life is a long series of struggles

-I hope he becomes a doctor, BUT has nightmares every night from giving surgeries because an eye for an eye and he should feel what I went through when my nightmares took over my life

-I hope he has a wife and happy kids, BUT they leave him and he has to pay at least a decade of child support

-I don't want him in jail, BUT I hope his life sucks

-I hope he buys the car of his dreams, BUT someone keys it in a parking lot

-How much do I hate you... let me count the ways

-I hate you because you made me uncertain about what consent meant

-I hate you because you gave me nightmares

-I hate you because the nightmares got so bad and vivid that I dropped out of college

-I hate you because I used to sleepwalk and I became scared of sleeping somehow

-I hate you because you made me wish I had never left home in the first place

-I hate you because I met you

-I hate you because you didn't stop and I was in so much shock I think that's why I stayed awake the entire night afterwards

-I hate you because I remember you

-I hate you because you continued bothering me and you kept knocking on the door of my dorm room weeks later when I wanted nothing to do with you

-I hate you because my friends kept saying your name

-I dislike them because they were not good friends

-but I hate you

-I hate you so much 

-And my mom once made me write a hundred reasons why I should never tell someone I hate them because I said that word when I shouldn't have

-but I KNOW I hate you

-and I cannot think of one reason why I shouldn't

[flyforever]

ANOTHER poem for dad

You were right

The world would cut me down more than your words ever could

Even though your screams terrified me to the point I tried to push my own car out of a snowy ditch all alone at age 17

Until kind strangers spared me from one tough phone call

A daydreamer who never wanted to leave home

Pushed to the edge of her containment

Railing against the confines of her own mind

Only to have it wither and die

So here is to the love lost

Which I once held for the world

For learning

For a future I would never have

And the love gained for my family

The only part of me that remains whole

Even after you are gone

[flyforever]

A Short Writing Titled "Thanks dad"

I tried until I didn’t anymore

That is all

My dad did what he could

He threw me in a room like it was a “dorm” even though it smelled like a dying cat

Because previously our cat spent the past few months literally dying there, no exaggeration

The theatre room where I slept on the couch for months at a time.

Whenever someone needed to use my bed

Which was A LOT

My cousins, my sister and her husband, even my grandpa when he no longer wanted to share a room with grandma

Dad was a saint

My emotional needs were met this much “.”

I spent senior year bulimic

What fun

[flyforever]

Could have just let me live with my mom and have my own goddamn bed, but that was too much to ask for

[flyforever]

A Short Writing Titled "Thanks dad"

I tried until I didn’t anymore

That is all

My dad did what he could

He threw me in a room like it was a “dorm” even though it smelled like a dying cat

Because previously our cat spent the past few months literally dying there, no exaggeration

The theatre room where I slept on the couch for months at a time.

Whenever someone needed to use my bed

Which was A LOT

My cousins, my sister and her husband, even my grandpa when he no longer wanted to share a room with grandma

Dad was a saint

My emotional needs were met this much “.”

I spent senior year bulimic

What fun

[flyforever]

Trigger warnings? idek

Earliest memories

Dad wasn’t home

My shitty life isn’t all on him

He tried

Too bad I was already done by then

There was a man who my mom was afraid of

She took us to the car and said she would drive around

He turned around and offered me his beer

My mom drove, I think she was looking for a payphone

Or police

Our neighbor took care of it

I don’t know how

It was either before or after this memory

I think after

He was outside our house

He wanted to get in

Mom told me we needed to hide in the closet

She wouldn’t call the cops

“It would let them know we were there”

Or something 

I don’t even know

Why he was obssessed with my mom I don’t fucking know

Years later they said it was cocaine

He died of an overdose

I feel bad for his family

But not necessarily him

I remember being too scared to sleep in my room

I slept in my mom’s bed far too long

I wet the bed for far too long

I remember seeing a shadow out the window and feeling scared

like a monster was hiding out there

My grandma helped me outgrow the bed wetting

Nothing but bribery worked

She said she would buy me a toy if I stopped

Eventually it worked

I don’t fucking know

She woke me with that god forsaken song

That I loved

I loved playing games with my grandma

Listening to her sing

I even liked praying with her and that long list she had of everyone she needed to pray for

Even people she didn’t know

She read to me

She collected wildflowers with me

She did everything really

Only people I enjoyed being with more were Brittany, Courtney and Derek

And my mom

I was at grandma’s one day

I had been told I would be allowed to go to work with mom

They changed their mind

I cried until my little nose bled

They changed their mind again

I learned the difference between 12 AM and 12 PM

Because grandma said my mom would pick me up at 12 PM and I cried

It was dark out then

That was far too late

She explained the difference between the two and I was relieved she meant the next day

My step dad taught me how to ride my bike

Before or after I scraped my knee in my flower girl’s dress while playing outside at the reception of their wedding

My mom’s and his

I bled all over that dress my grandma made me

I scraped my knees a lot though

I would fall again before they had time to heal

I remember falling on one that was scabbed over and crying and whining in Wendy’s car because it hurt so god damn badly

It was white and maybe a bit infected

Whiny girl that I was

I remember carving pumpkins one time in her trailer

Watching Resident Evil far too early

And being afraid of walking from the kitchen into the living room or from upstairs to downstairs

Because what if the zombies were real

Mom asked me why I was so scared

Eventually

I told her about the movie

She yelled at my aunt

And suddenly my weekends at Wendys involved no more scary movies

Brittany Courtney and Derek watched the Chainsaw Massacre while I was put into a separate room

Tragic

Sometime when Wendy was in her house

Brittany and I were upstairs and it was near Halloween

We howled out the window and tried to sound like witches

We thought we were funny

I remember my babysitter teaching me what French kissing was

Tracing patterns on my back and Chelsea’s

Asking us to guess what she was drawing

Then us two

Chelsea and I

Playing “husband and wife” for too long

Hiding under the covers

Tracing images on each other’s backs

Until one night it felt very wrong

It just sort of hit me one day

I was maybe 8?

Maybe 7?

Far too young to really know what it was we were doing

I felt guilty about it well into my late teens

I remember an older next door neighbor told me how babies were made

Sex

It was apparently when a penis goes into a vagina

I thought it was disgusting

I told my cousin anyways

I was curious about bodies

Enough to look for far too long

But not enough to want to touch

I was 10

Maybe 11

Maybe 9

Too long ago to know

Definitely before 12

12 was 7th grade

Dad was bankrupt

It was definitely before 12

My dad and step mom were drinking with our teenage cousins while we were far too curious

I remember my 16 year old cousin on the floor of the bathroom, puking her brains out

She had practically just became a mom

My step-dad’s dad was a registered sex offender

I don’t know when I found that out

His mom died of suicide

So did his brother

I don’t know when I truly understood what that was

We went to his dad’s house

Everyone denied anything had happened

But there was caution anyways

Someone made a DCFS report against our family

For putting my sister in danger

They thought my infant sister had been molested

I was probably 10

Maybe 11

Maybe 12

Idk it sucked

It sucked worse than babysitting

Changing her diapers

Teaching her how to crawl up the stairs

Letting her hold onto a finger to practice walking

Falling asleep while watching golf

Waking up to my head resting on her sweaty head

Just thankful I hadn’t dropped her

It even sucked worse than the time she hurt her lip

When she fell on the corner of the piano

And my step dad yelled at me

Accused me of pushing her

Drove her to my uncle’s house instead of the hospital

While her lip continued to bleed on her little face

Could we not afford the hospital?

Or another DCFS report?

I don’t know

I remember we qualified for WIC

And my mom left the program she still qualified for because she wanted to tithe and she felt guilty for tithing while on the WIC program

She thought it was like stealing

Can’t please god and society at the same time

And take care of yourself

That’s physically impossible

Better to accumulate thousands in credit card debt I guess

I remember making up games with Brittany Courtney and Derek

Safer games

Cleaner games in their messier house

I liked it there

Though the odds were literally stacked against that

Nothing was simple

But at least the games we played were

I remember watching Disney movies on a small box tv in my mom’s room with my baby sister

Over and over again

Trying not to fall asleep

When my sister grew older she liked Spongebob

We searched up episodes online

I wasn’t a big fan, but it was better than watching the same VHS movies over and over again

Better than diaper changes for sure as well

I remember she was held back in preschool, she had eczema, she struggled to read, she was my favorite

She kept me going

Even when I really didn’t feel like it

Memories accumulate

They get worse

The alcohol was preferrable

Until it wasn’t

I woke up half way outside a tent covered in my vomit at age 17

And sometimes I think it would have been better to leave it at that

Whoever grabbed me in that bathroom

I hope that kick hurt like a motherfucking bitch

I doubt it

But a girl can dream

Rooms where men grab women that will make them think they will be raped

A bathroom

Already had RAPE nightmares (plural) dear sir

But thank you SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!

[flyforever]

Nothing better than trauma dumping on the internet to no one

[flyforever]

I hear so many traumatic stories at work due to being a therapist that I am starting to feel numb to my own trauma, which is almost nice. No more nightmares, just emptiness.

However, doesn't change the fact that when I trained to be a medical advocate for sexual abuse survivors that I had a vivid flashback type nightmare that destroyed me. Not as bad as the nightmares where my family is present at least.

My therapist the other day seemed to claim something couldn't be trauma and was only a memory if it didn't feel like you were reliving it and all I could think is that if your client feels they are reliving a traumatic memory during EMDR you are probably doing EMDR wrong. "like watching a movie on a screen" was like a key analogy to use to make sure clients don't dissociate.

Anyways, I like my therapist but sometimes my therapists just say something so left field it feels like a smack to the face. Like when talking about the first man who sexually assaulted me and how he would tell me to pee after we had sex to avoid an infection and my therapist saying, "at least that showed he cared in some way". Like, no, no it did not. I'm done trying to empathize with people who gave me nightmares and sleep paralysis. Last thing I need is to have a therapist downplay my feelings, like, I do that enough on my own.

As a therapist myself though I sympathize, sometimes you fuck up and say the wrong thing, it's life

[flyforever]

Reasons to take trauma and stress hormones really seriously. Also reasons to consider becoming a therapist.

Just a good watch idk

[flyforever]

Nothing like memories of your brother singing this shit at 14 like it was his job. He should bring this back and use it for his audition into NYU's theatre program

[flyforever]

The song that inspired my brother to join theatre. or at least one of them. beautiful