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My experience in therian spaces in a nutshell

#therian #clinical zoanthropy #transspecies #physical nonhuman #kala vent

I am tired

I am tired of how the community treats those like us

I am tired of how the community seems far more intent on reminding us how humans are part of the community while excluding physical experiences

I am tired of a community which demands we submit to humans desire in what is promised as a retreat from the other 99% of our lives submitting to the humans

I am tired of a community which demands we submit to their frameworks and terminology, while leaving no place within it for us

I am tired the price of admission to what is ostensibly our community is to deny our own experiences as real and genuine

I am tired of the demands of proof and to conform to hard materialism set only to us in a wider community of experiences which do not conform to hard materialism

I am tired that in a community of animals, dragons, spirits, elves, past lives, and those from fictional worlds, shapeshifting is too far

I am tired of a community that seems far more interested in trying to present itself as legitimate to the outside world than it is to ensure those it promises refuge to are actually welcome

I am tired as we make our own spaces for not being welcome we are decried as separatist or believing we are superiour

I am tired being told to make our own communities and resources but being harassed as we do

I am tired of our terminology we use to find others to be appropriated, watered down to just another meaningless tag in tag-spam

I am tired how even if we made a new term, soon enough it would be turned into again into metaphor like with so many terms before

I am tired of the entitlement of the community to every space and term and for to always be accomodated as they push out those by which the space was made

I am tired of our experiences being turned into spectacle or of a wish others could have

I am tired of outsiders self-appointing as saviours and leaders, using us for their own gain

I am tired of "community leaders" need to comment on experiences, terms, and communities they are not part of and have no understanding to

I am tired of "community leaders" who choose invariably to do the most harm possible in any discussion, connecting only to their preconcieved biases and presenting themselves as a voice of reason

I am tired of "community leaders" willful and malicious ignorance of a discussion before commenting to it and of the influence they wield, for which they do not make even a token effort to rectify the situation afterwards

I am tired of the community's tendency to mechanically apply the framework of one situation to another because it looks superficially similar

I am tired of the constant sanism - our experiences and concerns to be overlooked or hidden away for they might make others uncomfortable

I am tired of our experiences written off if we do not word something politely enough and to account for every clarification

I am tired of a community which views every commentary, every criticism, every discussion as an attack on the reader specifically

I am tired of a community which posits itself as "the most accepting community" but seems to only have space for non-mad white males/mascs in a certain range of experience, while the rest sit on the fringe

I am tired of the sharp reaction when people try to address racism, sanism, or any number of things in the community noting the reflection of real power-systems within the community or the skewed demographics within it

I am tired to being reduced to a subject of discourse rather than creatures with emotion and agency

I am tired of being alone but disallowed to create meaningfully our own spaces

I am tired of therians and their community

I am tired of tumblr

I am tired… just so tired

#To be clear I am not leaving tumblr #this is just persistent frustration I have with the community outside the narrow range of of zoanthrope experiences #I am grateful for the connections I have with the pod of cetaceans here zoanthropes and those with physical experiences #clinical zoanthropy #transspecies #physical nonhuman #therian #kala discussion #kala art #kala vent #This is sort of a poem sort of a discussion hence the wierd tags

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence!*

*Does not apply to the existence of dragons, elves, souls, past lives, spirits, gods/deities, angels/demons, fairies and fae, parallel universes, and authors pulling their stories from fictional realities. Exceptions apply when convenient.

#The line between subjective and “objective” reality is very blurry and ill defined #and virtually none of the experiences in the community conform to hard materialisme but only a few are demanded to #Those that make those demands do it very often with derision towards “mentally ill” or argue solely from their own biases about unreality #often choosing to listen to a few voices to side with them ignoring the many who disagree with them as unreasonable #They do this honestly for a lot of issues - in this case it is about mad issues and acceptance of clcz and p-shifter identities #therian #clinical zoanthropy #transspecies #physical nonhuman #therian community #meta discussion #kala discussion #kala vent

Why is it sane people are far more eager to accommodate the needs of a hypothetical and imagined l mad person rather than the mad person in front of them explaining their needs when those two things conflict?

#clinical zoanthropy #actually schizophrenic #sanism #kala vent

#piece of vent art regarding the promises the community makes and views itself versus how it treats certain groups especially zoanthropes #Vulcans do not have anything to do with this in particular except that I am quite fond of IDIC and it represents a philosophy that the #therian community likes to present itself as meeting while often falling very short of its ideals #therian #therian art #clinical zoanthropy #vent art #kala art #kala vent

Doctors appointment today was rough. They want me to outline everything in my life and explain all the things happened in detail. I do not trust the doctors, even if this one seems nice and even permissive of the whale experience and presentation. The double bookkeeping and layers and layers of framework are so exhausting to manage in every interaction — I can only manage a small handful of relationships for it. I do not like when I remember, when the memories are triggerred, so I can tell the humans like they want — if even it is something I can make the words, have words that exist, or am allowed to express it. I am so tired and oftentimes there is no way to express as I experience.

I was remembering the others for a bit after the appointment. I do not know if they had names or I had my own name. The medicine either destroyed the others or forcefully mushed us all together into one. It was forbidden to use we/our/us/etc. The medicine warped my shape into this awful form and locked it. I do not want to be made to remember or whatever it is the humans demand; I want to go back in the water and swim forever with my pod.

I have to go back next week. This human seems nice, but I do not like the peeling back. I will try to be good, be obediant for the humans. I do my best to be a good whale.

#actually schizophrenic #clinical zoanthropy #kala life #kala vent

I have been so tired lately, even more than normal. I suppose really it has been going on probably since the explosion. My brain feels like clay, not in that it can be moulded, but as though the thoughts were trapped and obstructed by it unable to flow. It is so hard to put together thoughts, I cannot find words in either language nor even the ideas I want to string together. I can complete tasks but even that is quite difficult and my memory has been particularly bad and many evenings it feels like I am split and recombined as either functions are turned off or disconnected from me like a cup of soup seperated from its pot only to be dumped back in a few hours later. I hurt my foot at some point, but I do not know how or when, it hurts quite a lot to walk on it, but I do not know what I did. My vision has been worse lately, I can still physically see fine, but without focus the information is not meaningfully processed and it is just fields of colour and noise which is frustrating because I use my vision to hear. I often feel dead, as though I am a ghost that simply does not want to lay my body down. The humans are finally cleaning the ash and soot from my flat this week and there is strong fear still that I did die and have refused to put my body back, that once the place is cleaned I will not be able to anymore, and I will be trapped as a slowly deteriorating ghost until there is nothing left of the whale I once was. I know logically that is not likely, but it does not ease the fear. I have not been doing well lately. I have not been doing well for a long time but the past few months seems particularly difficult. Everything has felt dull and off, like none of it is wholley real for me, nothing feels right lately.

I hope this passes soon and I can be back to posting and chatting. I am sorry to those who I have not responded to, I will hopefully get to it eventually.

~ Kala

#kala vent #kala explosion

It is endlessly frustrating how condescending people are when you cannot do something, especially when dealing with something like executive dysfunction I believe is the term struggling to carry out various daily tasks. I have been struggling at various points to shower. I brush my teeth in the shower because it was the only way I could get myself to do so and brought me from brushing every month or two to several times a week. I have though been struggling particularly hard with it lately. I went to the dentist for cleaning today and let her know I had not been doing well for with it for a while. Her condescention talking to me like I was a child how important it is I need to brush. Yes, I understand. I know. I get the picture. Please be silent now and move on, if I could do the task I would just do the goddamn task. My mother does the same thing with keeping my house clean. Yes, I am perfectly capable to see that if I spent a small bit each day I could prevent the task becoming unmanageable, which makes it all the more frustrating I cannot complete the task regardless.

Hello yes I have a disability that prevents me from completing certain tasks like cleaning myself and living spaces and many others with tuis condition have this same problem

Have you considered to instead complete the tasks instead of not doing them

Yes, I cannot because of the aforementioned disability.

You should do them anyway

*wishing I was literally anywhere else*

#actually mentally ill #actually schizophrenic #executive dysfunction #kala vent