A Case for [Kamidex]- The slow burn journey of two who are intrinsically tied together
[Note: Long post incoming]
I've noticed that when the question of "Does Touma have a crush on Index?" is posed, a lot of people's immediate responses are along the lines of:
-"No, it's explicitly stated that Touma see's her as a sister."
And.
-"No, Touma's feelings for her are not at all romantic, but is just strictly platonic"
The problem with these is that, they write off a deep and complex relationship into something simple. A shallow reading into the mountainous of text that surrounds them both. It is not at all accurate to the bond they both share. One that is nonsensically dressed up as mundane scenarios in everyday life. One that carries over from Touma to Touma.
So, this post is going to be a analysis weaving the threads of the two together throughout the plotline of the story, whether it is directly or indirectly as long as it's worth mentioning.
Things such as, Touma and Index overall relationship, Touma's character before and after the memory loss, and Index's stance throughout the entire ordeal, will all be touched upon in this post.
In order to do that and fully fleshing out all these cluster points for them to reach a justifiable conclusion this post is going to be broken down into three (3) parts.
To achieve that we must first start from where this all began, OT1--- The volume that had previous Kamijou Touma enter his “final stage” and near his conclusion, and the fated meeting between Kamijou Touma, the unlucky boy who's everyday life is shrouded in misfortune, and Index Librorum Prohibitorum, the curse child who's fate it is to be a harbinger of ruin.
1- FEELINGS OF THE MAN WHO WAS
(Timeline wise I'm not sure how far ahead Kamachi planned out this series but for the sake of this we will act under the assumption Biohacker already happened.)
For a quick reminder of what happened in Biohacker, Ayu, the main heroine of the volume, was being hunted down for her powers as a stand in for Misaki. When she learned the truth behind the antagonist Modius Operandi she resigned herself to commit suicided by drowning in a lake, but not before sending a suicide note to Touma in the hopes he could rescue. Touma tried and failed to save her and the volume ended on a bitter sweet note of her executing her suicide but the hope she would one day be saved.
A year had past after that, and we were introduced to Kamijou Touma as a misfortune boy who had been gifted with a "useless" ability [as stated by himself a number of times in OT1]. He was jaded, cynical and his internal monologues throughout OT1 were writhe with references about being powerless.
Being a person who lived in Academy City for quite sometime, his meeting with Index went as expected when a sceptic meets an occult believer. He makes fun of her, takes jabs at her beliefs and questions her grasp on reality and just the same, Index ridiculed him, dished out just as much given, even guilt tripping and blackmailing him. But, in spite of all that, Touma listened to her in earnest. Even if he finds most the stuff she says as ridiculous.
Because, sprinkled throughout their conversation was her explanation about her pursuers. And the fact she was in trouble. So, in retrospect of Biohacker and NT11, of course in-universe it makes sense that he would help Index out when briefed about her predicament.
That is who Kamijou Touma is. A person who would help a complete stranger. A character who would go to great extremes to help others. He would stick his neck out to help anyone in trouble. Just as he did in his childhood, as he did with Ayu, and also as he did with Misaki.
“If I stay here, the enemies will come.” “How can you be sure? If you just stay in my room and don’t draw any attention to yourself, there shouldn’t be a problem.” “That’s not true.” Index pinched at the chest of her clothes. “This Walking Church functions using magical power. The church seems to call it ‘divine power’, but it’s the same mana. Simply put, the enemy seems to be searching for the magic power in the Walking Church.” “Why do you wear tracking device clothes!?” “I told you, its defensive power is pope-class, remember? You’re right hand tore it to pieces, though.” “…” “You tore it to pieces, though.” “I said I was sorry, so don’t look so tearfully. …But, Imagine Breaker destroyed that Walking Church, right? So shouldn’t the tracking device-like functionality be gone too?” “Even if it were, they’ll know the Walking Church was destroyed. As I said before, its defensive power is pope-class. Simply put, it’s like a fortress. If I were the enemy, I would make an appearance when that fortress was destroyed whatever the reason might be.” “Wait a second. That’s all the more reason I can’t just let you go. I still don’t believe in the occult, but if someone’s after you, I can’t let you just leave.” Index stared at him blankly. With just that look, she truly, truly seemed like nothing more than a normal girl. “…Then, will you follow me to the depths of hell?” She smiled. It was such a heartbreaking smile that left Kamijou speechless for an instant. Index had used kind words to implicitly say, “Do not come with me.” “Don’t worry. I’m not alone. If I can escape to the church, they will shelter me.” “…Hmm. So where is this church?”
However, something important to note about this is that Kamijou doesn't decide to get involve.
“…What happens if you accidentally go to the wrong church?” “They would turn me away,” said Index with the same bitter smile. “The Russian Orthodox Church and the Anglican Church primarily exist within their respective countries. Anglican churches are rare in Japan.” “…” Things were looking gloomy. Was it possible Index had tried going to church after church before she collapsed from hunger? How had she felt as she fled and fled while being turned away at each church she went to? “Don’t worry. I just have to keep at it until I find a British church.” “…” For just an instant, Kamijou thought about the power in his right hand. “Hey! …If you’re ever in any trouble, you can stop by here again.” That was all he could say. He had the power to kill even God and yet that was all he could say. “Sure. I’ll stop by if I’m hungry.” Her sunflower-like smile was so perfect that Kamijou could say nothing in response.
He doesn't say: "Ok, that's enough" and and tries to solve the problem once and for all. Or even ignore the bias that it's hard to believe and at least search online for a appropriate church to lend a helping hand.
Instead, he was passive, indecisive and reserved. And his monologue in the classroom was a reflection of such.
He felt like he should be by Index’s side rather than dealing with that pointless supplementary lesson. The Walking Church nun’s habit she wore had indeed reacted to Kamijou’s right hand, although, “reacted” was perhaps an understatement. But, that did not mean he had to believe. Most likely, the majority of what Index had said was a lie, and even if it were not, she may have just mistaken some natural phenomenon as the occult. Even so… (I guess the fish that gets away always seems huge.) Kamijou sighed again. If the alternative was being stuck at a desk in that sauna-like classroom with no air conditioning, charging into a fantasy of swords and magic may have been better. And he even had a cute, though difficult to say beautiful, heroine to go with it. “…” Kamijou recalled the hood Index had forgotten in his room. In the end, he had not returned it. He did not see it as having been unable to return it. Even if Index had disappeared, he would likely have found her if he had seriously started looking for her. And even if he had not, he could still go out and run around the city looking for her with the hood in one hand. When he thought about it, he realized he had wanted some kind of connection. He had felt that she might come back to get it someday. Because, that white girl had shown him such a perfect smile… He felt like she would disappear like an illusion if he did not leave some kind of connection. He was afraid. (…Oh, so that’s it.) After going through those somewhat poetic thoughts, Kamijou finally realized something. When it came down to it, he did not hate the girl who was caught on his balcony. He had liked her enough that the thought of never seeing her again left him with a slight twinge of regret. “…Ah, damn it.” He clicked his tongue. With how heavily she weighed on his mind, he wished he had stopped her from leaving.
But then came the conclusion that, in hindsight, the reason why he didn't act and by extension did not return her hood was because he wanted to see Index again. He wanted to talk to her, he wanted to goof around with her, and most of all he wanted to see that perfect smile.( like seriously, Index's smile gets brought up a lot)
Embodying that desire is the said hood. The possible connection to the red Thread of Destiny. Carrying with it the hope that the mere presence of it will represent a future where the two of them could see each again and perhaps never be separated no matter what.
Such is the meaning Kamijou defines it's importance as. Simply due to the fact that he wanted to keep some kind of connection
Kamachi draws deliberate attention to Kamijou's thoughts, actions and choices, and focuses primarily on what they say about the character because for the boy that is Kamijou Touma this is not at all normal. Kamijou himself knows that but also cannot ascertain why exactly. All that he knows is that this girl makes him feel happy. Happy in anticipation to see her again and happy with excitement that he gets to talk with her once more.
After taking a few more subconscious steps forward, he finally saw it. The mysterious girl named Index had collapsed from hunger. “………………………………………………………Ahh.” She was not entirely visible because of the robots, but someone wearing a white nun’s habit covered in glittering safety pins was clearly collapsed face down. Though the three drums were continuously ramming into her, Index was not moving. It made her seem all the more pitiful, like she was being pecked at by city crows. For one, the cleaning robots were made to avoid people and other obstacles. Why did the machines fail to register her as human? “…I guess this is misfortune, too.” Had Kamijou Touma seen his face in a mirror at the time, he would have been surprised to see a smile on his face. Deep down he was worried. Perhaps he did not believe her about the magicians, but it was possible some cult was chasing the girl. He was glad to see her in her usual, starved state. And even ignoring those worries, he was simply glad to see her again. Kamijou then remembered the one thing she had forgotten: the pure white hood he had not given back to her. He found it strange that he saw that hood like some kind of charm. “Hey! What are you doing here?” He called out to her and ran over. (Why does just going over there make me feel like an elementary school kid who can’t sleep the night before a trip? Why does each step I take forward make me feel like I’m headed to the store on the release date of a major RPG?) Index had yet to notice him. Kamijou Touma forced down a smile at how “Index-like” that was.
By grasping all this, the interpretation that can be made here is that Kamijou doesn't want what he has with Index to be a one and done type of deal. To him, the few moments he spent with Index were a great solace. He does not want to say goodbye after helping her and solving her problem. He wants to be with this girl, and hopes she too wants to be with him.
One may note that these motives are actually fairly self-serving, and they are, because his motives were for the desire to not lose that connection he had to someone who gave him a great deal of warmth.
Backing this up is the scene of Kamijou and Index going to the public bathroom.
“A British nun, hm?” Kamijou muttered under his breath as he walked down the dark pathway alone. He knew that Index would be brought to the Anglican Church’s headquarters in London if he took her to one of their churches in Japan. There would be nothing left for Kamijou to do. It would all surely end with something like, “It may have just been a short time, but thank you. I will never forget you because of my eidetic memory.” Kamijou felt something sharply stabbing inside his chest, but he had no other ideas of what to do. If Index were not brought under the Church’s protection, she would continue to be chased by magicians. Also, it was unrealistic to try to follow Index to England. They lived in different worlds, they stood in different places, and they existed in different dimensions. Kamijou lived in the world of scientific esper powers, and she lived in the world of the magical occult. Like land and sea, their two worlds would never cross paths. That was all there was to it. That was all there was to it, but it still annoyed him like a fish bone stuck in his throat.
Over the course of this arc Kamijou had been in many a deep introspections, but it was already from since the early stages of OT1 he was smitten with Index.
“Yes. I have no memories from before about a year ago when I arrived.” Index smiled. Just like a child heading to an amusement park for the first time in her life. It was the perfection of the smile that showed Kamijou the fear and pain behind it. “When I first woke up in a back alley, I had no idea who I was. All I knew was that I had to run away. I couldn’t remember what I ate for dinner the night before, but knowledge of things like magic, the Index Librorum Prohibitorum, and Necessarius were swirling around in my mind. It was so scary…” “Then you don’t even know why you lost your memories?” “That’s right,” she replied. Kamijou knew nothing of psychology, but he knew from video games and dramas that there were two major causes of amnesia: receiving a major shock to the head or sealing a memory that your heart simply could not bear. “God damn it…” Kamijou muttered as he looked up into the night sky. While he did feel anger towards the magicians who would do that to a girl like her, he was mostly overcome by a sense of powerlessness. He now knew why Index had covered for him and grown so oddly attached to him. It was simply that Kamijou just so happened to be the first person she had gotten to know after spending a year alone in the world without knowing anything. This displeased Kamijou. He had no idea why, but for some reason that answer truly angered him. “Mh? Touma, are you angry?” “No, I’m not.” The question had caught him off guard, but Kamijou managed to feign ignorance. “If I upset you in some way, I apologize. Touma, what’s got you so mad? Is it puberty?” “I don’t want to hear about puberty from someone with a childlike body like yours.” “Mh. What was that? I really do think you’re mad. Or are you only pretending to be mad to trouble me? I don’t like that side of you, Touma.” “Hey, don’t say that when you never really liked me in the first place. I’m not expecting that kind of wonderful, love comedy-like turn of events with you.”
And that all harkens back to when he saw that perfect smile. A smile that doesn't match the look of someone on the edge of a cliff, nearly ready to give up on life. A smile that was pleasantly depressing. Or more essentially, a smile from someone who cares for others but not themselves.
While the trauma that Index encountered throughout her life is shrouded in darkness and isn't at all fleshed out, Kamijou more than likely saw how she copes with her trauma and how it affected her. Where he became content with his shitty life but still tries to fight against it, Index does not. She decided to relinquish to the horrors of the world and whatever happens to her happens to her, because, despite having a days worth of memories and her life being spent on the whims of others, she can still manage to smile and enjoy the simpler things in life.
And it is most probably that contradiction that infatuations him with Index. Why he couldn't get her out of his mind. And in the process made both of them find someone who could make their life happy. OT1 wasn’t an ordinary meet-cute between them, it was an extremely specific and emotionally charged series of events which occurred between two people whose need for connection were compatible, forcing them to grow closer than they would have under normal circumstances. (Compare and contrast OT2 to get a full grasp)
OT1 narrated the shared story lines of four individuals, all accomplished through the shared reflections on love, loss, memory, and related themes of movement out of loneliness.
Everyone could do hundreds of hours of research and theorizing, and I don't think any two people would come to the same conclusion. But, I think we all agree that this arc had some very strong romantic subtext.
2- THAT WHICH HELD ON
That said, tragedy hit, and in his efforts to save Index, Kamijou Touma welcomed his first "death". He died satisfied with a smile on his face, proving that even the weak can make a difference and that power doesn't matter. He died while fallen on index, as if like he was protecting her from the feathers of light with his last breath. And on that night, the New Kamijou Touma was born.
This is how we were opened to the current version of Kamijou Touma. The blank-slate. A person who had lost all his memories, and a character without color. The one who inherited all that which the past him valued.
To us, this was our real official introduction. It's thematic in the ironic sense. The entirety of the latter half of arc 1 was about Kamijou fighting to keep those precious memories intact and not to openly welcome loss, but there he was, smiling; happy that at the very least Index's suffering was cut short from the cruelty of the world. (Of course he didn't know any of this would happen, and as we saw he too didn't want to say goodbye but we all know he would rather this outcome.).
For the newly born Kamijou Touma, Index became that foundational paint that made up his new character. Just the same, the pre-memory version of himself as well. But, the the bond Index and past him shared were put on a pedestal and treated as separate. Almost as if it is sacred.
His face felt the amazingly soft feeling of the girl’s belly, the small amount of sweat, the sweet smell, and the warmth. As Kamijou was rendered giddy by all those factors, he was now awake since Mikoto punched him. Also, at least he was able to physically separate himself from Index. Kamijou thought that it was killing two birds with one stone, but why wasn’t he happy? “Eh? …I hit him?” However, Mikoto, who got a hit in, loudly exclaimed that. Kamijou lay on the ground, trembling as he said, “Uuu… ugh… No, this is good. I’m definitely unable to escape that mysterious pink atmosphere that surrounds Index and me by myself. But, no, however… why can’t the world use a gentler way of solving this!?”
Because, as if like equal parts a blessing and equal parts a curse, those emotions of pre-memory loss Touma carried over to his second self like a gum stuck to the heart. If the past Touma viewed Index as a target for "infatuation," then the current Touma views her as the source of his attraction.
However, to the current version of him, his reality is that of a outsider looking in on what he cannot have.
"...Humph! Don't think a few English words can convince me!" "I DON'T CARE! WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA!!!" "WHAT'S WITH THIS SHOUTING ATTACK!? IT'S USELESS AGAINST ME! AND LOOK, YOUR CAT RAN INTO THE ALLEY!" "IT'S ALL TOUMA'S FAULT!” “AND YOU'RE BLAMING ME!?!" In the summer sunset, the two shouted at each other. Kamijou casually thought how did the Kamijou Touma then treat her? Maybe it was like this? If it were the case, it would be great for him. But… it was somewhat lonely. After all, the girl was not looking at this Kamijou. What made her completely at ease was the Kamijou of old. It was painful… But, Kamijou still intended to struggle on.
Though Index was saved, it was not by the current version of Kamijou Touma. So, who was he to reap the benefits of a relationship that held such weight, meaning, and inspiration that just looking at index, strong feelings of desire wells up in his heart?
(Uu… it’s obvious who that space is for.) Kamijou’s face blushed in the darkness, but he shook his head. Index’s casual actions stemmed from her trust in Kamijou—maybe slightly different to actual romantic feelings for Kamijou. The impression she gave people was that of a pure child, without an ounce of adultness in her. And the one that she trusted wasn’t the Kamijou standing here now. Kamijou Touma lost his memories, but Index didn’t know this. In other words, the one she trusted was the Kamijou Touma "before the memory loss", and not the Kamijou Touma "standing here right now". And so, Kamijou told himself to not misunderstand, that those things didn’t exist for his sake. Her defenseless way of sleeping, the thought of wanting to sleep in the same bed as him, the lips that faintly opened with her breath, the small chest that heaved slightly whenever she breathed, the soft snow-white legs that poked out of her loose shirt… (…Uh… how to say this, yes, I know, this is a bit…)
He does not believe those two things aren’t mutually exclusive. As far as he knows, he’s never been given a reason not to think so. What memories the past him had, the past he lived, his plans for the future, what he liked, what he hated, what he protected in the past and what he wanted to protect in future, were all lost.
So, regardless, to this current version of Kamijou Touma, to look at Index as someone who can fulfil those kinds of "things," in that way........
“…YOU'RE ACTUALLY A GREAT GUY!” “Hm? I'm really surprised by that response... HOLD ON! WHAT ARE YOU HUGGING ME FOR!? STOP TREADING YOUR TOES ON MY HEAD!!” As Kamijou and Stiyl tugged at each other in the hospital room, the door opened and Index walked in without knocking. “Touma! They’re selling honey-flavored chips in the shops! It’s so interesting I wanna buy it! But I don’t have money! …Eh?” She froze. She saw the struggling magician and the truly touched Kamijou Touma as he tried to touch the magician’s head. The three of them stopped. The world stopped. "Touma… Erm… sorry for interrupting you." "Ho-Hold on a minute! What are you doing? Why’re you looking away!? OI! DON’T GO AWAY WITHOUT RESPONDING!!” GYYYAAAAHHH!! Kamijou cried out as he tried to pull Index as she tried to leave the room. In that situation, he couldn’t say to the young girl, “Sorry Index, I’m interested in you but it would go against social norms.” Kamijou wondered with confusion how he would settle the matter.
Must have seem like a breach on OKT antonymy. Because clearly, it can be implied he came to the conclusion that he must not pursue Index, due to the simple fact that the love she expresses to him isn’t deserving and belongs solely to his previous self that died.
“…” However, it seemed the magician wished to say something.“Wh-What?” “Nothing.” Stiyl sighed. “It’s just that I think you’re too relaxed. This’s a battlefield and yet you’re nonchalantly chatting away with a girl. I don’t really care if you die because of carelessness. In fact, I’d be dancing in joy, but, please don’t drag me down.” “Are you jealous?” “Ku… Ugh…” Stiyl silently seemed like he would burst 60% of his blood vessels. Kamijou began to understand how to handle the person before him. “…Yeah, that’s right.” Stiyl’s words induced surprising shock for Kamijou, though he knew not why he was so affected. “…Don’t be mistaken. I’m not considering that child a target of romance.” Without looking at Kamijou’s face, Stiyl continued. “You should know that up until now, the child had her memories erased in one year intervals or die. Then, you can understand how many people were once in your position.” “…” “Many have wanted to be her father, some, her older brother, others her good friend, and some even her teacher.” Stiyl elaborated. “It’s like that, just that simple. I failed in the past and you succeeded. This’s the only difference between you and me.” Stiyl stared at Kamijou’s face and looked like he was facing an impossible future. “However, I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t care.” He said with a sigh. “Besides, she didn’t really abandon me, just forgot. If she recovered her memories, she’d coming running at me to hug me.” Kamijou had no response. If there was a person, a really important person, that lost her memory… and unknowingly, someone just stepped in and accompanied her, how would I feel? Could I remain calm? Kamijou mused to himself. No, this isn’t just a problem of someone else being beside her. Would he not have felt betrayed by this important girl? However, the man before him still believed in himself, still following through with his belief. So strong. Kamijou looked back at his phone and considered the meaningless five minute conversation. A person had actually given up everything he had in order to protect the person important to him, knowing there was no going back. Such were people’s hearts. These hearts were crushed under the current Kamijou’s feet. What right did he of the moment have to keep the girl for himself? …I don’t know. If it were her only wish to maintain the status quo, Kamijou would have protected it until the end. However, Index had “merely forgotten.” How could a girl who was unaware of the other possibilities be expected to make a decision? I don’t know. But, if Kamijou Touma really saved Index… Yes, if it were the case, he had to take up the burden of protecting her. It was like enthusiastically giving a cat food but not taking it home, despite knowing it would die of hunger. Instead of giving the cat the hope that “this person might keep me,” it would have been better to give it despair from the beginning. However… The one who saved her wasn’t the current “me”. His thoughts came full circle. Who Index needs is the Kamijou Touma of before.
As far as this Kamijou Touma is aware of, it wouldn’t be right for him to take something that someone else had worked hard for. It should be pretty clear to assume for a Touma with no outside reality, a Touma whose life is all about lies, and a Touma who wears a masks and plays a stand in role.
But, most of all, he must have felt guilty about benefiting from everyone before him failures. Even more so, guilty because Index could be consider another of his victims.
Thus why, Stiyl words cut like a hot knife through butter. And was one of the bigger reasons that helped him arrive at the misconception that his whole relationship with Index was just as a spare for her "true" important person.
Yet, just like his pre-amnesiac self when he found out that Index only felt attachment to him because of her memory loss, he couldn't help but feel hurt. (Though it also needs to be noted that Touma obsession with Index after the memory loss also comes from the fact he actually gets to see her again before he could bond with any one else.)
“Also… one more thing.” Stiyl continued. “I believe you don’t have the right to refuse. If you disobey, we’ll take away Index from you.” For some reason, the words carved deeply into Kamijou. His past “knowledge” was afraid. The remnants of the past Kamijou seemed to fear something. “The mission that Necessarius gave you is for you to act as a shackle. You are a shackle that’s preventing the chained Index from betraying the organization. But, if you don’t do as the Church wishes, you aren’t functioning as a shackle.” Stiyl sighed. “Speaking of which, it’d be good for me if you Church felt you were useless. I’d really thank you if you could do it. Since broken shackles are useless, I could just take that child back.” It was a threat. If he disobeyed, Index would be taken away. “...” He was trembling. His heart was beating as if a wooden stake were being hammered in. Kamijou Touma had no memories and the one the girl met was the previous Kamijou Touma. It no longer had anything to do with him. The reason for his rapid heartbeat was likely because of the remnants of the last Kamijou. But… for some reason, “...Are you serious?” Why did he believe with such conviction that his anxiety was a correct response? Kamijou wondered. It was true that Index had first met Kamijou when he had his memories and the trusts and smiles she had were not directed at the current him. Even so, it was alright. He had once seen the girl in the white room cry as she saw a battered and fatigued Kamijou. In order to prevent her tears… Even if he had to deceive the entire world, even himself, it was alright. Kamijou swore to adhere to his own lies!
Why that was, is because of a simple reason.
“Should you really have done that?” “Done what?” replied the boy. “You don’t remember anything, do you?” The transparent boy fell silent. The reality that God had created was not as kind and warm as what he had told that girl. As a result of the magic that had afflicted them, the boy and girl had collapsed in the apartment and the two naming themselves magicians had brought them to the hospital. The supposed magicians had told the doctors what had transpired, and the doctors had of course not believed them. The doctors had only told the boy all of it, because they felt he had the right to know. To him, it was like reading someone else’s diary. To him, it mattered not what someone else’s diary said about a girl he could neither picture in his head nor recognize if he saw her. What he had told her had been nothing more than something he had made up based on what someone else’s diary had said. Even if it said that that right hand that was wrapped in bandages held a power that could destroy even the rules created by God… He did not really believe it. “But should I really have done that?” asked the transparent boy. Even though it had been someone else’s diary, it had been so enjoyable… and so heartbreaking. His missing memories would never come back, but he had somehow managed to think of that as a very sad thing. “For some reason, I didn’t want to make that girl cry. That was how I felt. I don’t know what kind of feeling it was and I’ll probably never remember, but that was how I felt all the same.” The transparent boy gave a truly colorless smile. “Doctor, why did you believe that story? I mean, being a doctor is about as far as you can get from things like magicians and magic.” “Not necessarily.” A proud look appeared on the doctor’s frog-like face. “Hospitals and the occult have a surprisingly close relationship. …And I’m not talking about ghosts haunting hospitals. Depending on their religion, some people refuse to take blood transfusions, refuse surgery, and will sue you even though you saved their life. For a doctor, it is best to just do what the patient says when it comes to the occult.” The doctor smiled, though he did not know why smiled. When he saw the boy smile, he instinctively smiled back like a mirror image. Or perhaps it was the boy that was a mirror of the doctor. That was just how hollow the boy’s smile was. It was like he could feel no sorrow. The boy was really, truly transparent. “I may still remember more than you think.” The frog-faced doctor looked at the transparent boy in slight surprise. “Your memories were ‘killed’, brain cells and all.” What a ridiculous thing for me to say, thought the doctor. But, he continued. “To liken the human body to a computer, your hard disk was utterly fried. If there’s no data left in your brain, just where are these memories supposed to be?” Somehow, the doctor felt the boy’s response would blow that ridiculous logic away. “Isn’t that obvious?” replied the transparent boy. “In my heart.”
While their relationship is in a weird gray area, those feelings of his carries a much deeper or a more fundamental poetic value to the existence known as Kamijou Touma. That is basically the basis of all of his future decisions. Which also could explain this innately shared bias towards her
“Listen, Kamijou Touma. Index has had her memories erased every year. Every year, her relationship changed and found a new partner each time.” “So… What about it?” “This year, it’s you. Two years ago it was me and,” Stiyl continued vengefully. “three years ago it was Aureolus Izzard. They were teacher and student.” Shock. “The fate for every companion was the same. They tried to save her from having her memory wiped but absolutely failed.” He said with disdain. “It was of course the same for him. And, it would seem he didn’t accept it.” “What do you mean?” “Simple. We companions weren’t abandoned by her, she simply forgot us. If that so, then all they needed to do was cure Index and salvage her memory. Wouldn’t she go back to them?” Kamijou’s heart felt a pain like a hammering stake. He did not know what affected him so much. It was a good thing that Index was healed but still there was an inexplicable and invisible impact. He remembered the smile. That smile that she showed to others carried a heavy burden for Kamijou.
Touma might have lost his memories, his cause might have differed somewhat due to varying kinds of trauma and their dreams might have branched off into two separate directions, but all the same, that girls' radiant smile was capable of having its own layered feelings within Kamijou's heart.
Even if in the end that linked his insecurities to his previous self and made him arrive at the preconceived notion that the past achievements are not his own.
"YOU BASTARD!!!" Kamijou couldn't help but roar. Touya revealed a surprised look, but that made it even more unbearable for Kamijou. "That's right, I'm unlucky!" Kamijou said with disdain. "Just this summer vacation alone, I almost died a few times, and I even just had my entire right arm sliced off! If I have to compare it to everyone in class, I suppose only my summer was this unfortunate!" Kamijou paused, and then continued. "But have I said that I regretted this!? Did I say that I didn't want this unfortunate summer vacation!? Stop joking around!! My summer vacation is unfortunate, but so what!? Is that little thing enough to make me regret!?" That's right. The one who had saved Himegami Aisa from Misawa Cram School was Kamijou Touma. That's right. The one who had saved Misaka Imouto from the experiment was Kamijou Touma. Also... The one who had protected that radiant smile of that white nun should also be... Even if he only got involved because of others, even though they were just cases of misfortune, Kamijou had the right to brag about it. On the other hand, if Kamijou was too lucky and hadn't gotten involved in all that, just thinking of the aftermath was enough to make his break out in cold sweat.
This separation of 'self' compounded and fabricated a version of him that developed severe imposter syndrome. All for the sole purpose of wanting to maintain the appearance and happiness of Index.
"An authentic one...?" "Yeah, I know it sounds suspicious... hold on." "What?" "...Since when were you so docile? Are you just listening to me and letting the words come out the other end? Did you not understand at all?” Kamijou was shocked. Stiyl was incorrect. He was truly listening to Stiyl and was trying to understand and respond to the unfamiliar terms. But, it was because of that that Stiyl felt something was amiss. It was like someone had realized that the Kamijou Touma of now was different from the Kamijou Touma of the past. Don’t realize it. Don’t realize it…! The Kamijou of the present did not know the magician’s relationship with Index. But, no matter how distant they may have been, Kamijou did not want others to know about his amnesia. Kamijou saw it. In the patient’s room, he saw the white nun’s habit wearing girl cry. The tears of happiness were shed for the boy that was the Kamijou with his memories. He could not topple her mental support… ever. So, Kamijou had decided to fool the entire world. Even himself. “What, are you giving me this crap just because I’m listening attentively? You aren’t a masochist are you? You the type that wants others to interrupt what you say all the time?” But, of that moment, Kamijou did not know how different he acted from the previous Kamijou. It was like walking with a map. Even if he knew he was going the wrong direction, looking around and finding desert everywhere would not tell him the correct path to take.
However in his vein attempts to camouflage those eyes, facial expressions, and countenance, that had still clamor the issue at hand. He is a pretender. An imposter. A individual without his own ego and a deeply routed complex. He merely tried to be the Touma of old, doing things he would do. Such an imposter complex only made him never be true to himself, he deceived everyone around him, family and friends alike, just so one girl doesn't need to cry.
But....
“Index is suffering. How many people do you think are crying because of this fucking war you started? Is it so strange to want to stand up against that? Is it so wrong to want to fight for a girl who can’t even open her eyes? At the very least, I’m not going to listen to the complaints of some bastard who delights in the suffering of others.” But… “Truly wonderful.” Fiamma held his right hand out towards Kamijou while smiling. A small tube-shaped device lay within that hand. It was Index’s remote control spiritual item. Kamijou’s expression changed and Fiamma grinned widely as he spoke. “Is that really something you can say before a nun you have been continually lying to?” Kamijou’s shoulders gave a slight twitch. (It couldn’t be…) “At times, I am connected to her consciousness through this remote control spiritual item. The information I see and hear is passed on to her at those times.” (He…) “Now then. Can you say the same thing in this situation? There is no problem with being wrong. But if you truly believe what you said, then why did you continue to put on that shameless act before her?” (He’s realized it…?) A chill ran down his back. It was not a feeling regarding the danger he himself was in. It was the feeling of the invisible pillar supporting a certain girl slowly crumbling away. Meanwhile, Fiamma lightly touched his temple with one of his normal fingers and smiled. “You are the only one that can fully understand what you are hiding. She is the only one that can judge how she feels about those things. You seem to have been protecting her from it for your own satisfaction, but I look forward to seeing whether she judges that to have been a good thing or not.”
But, what did that mean for this new him? We're talking about a whole different entity from the Touma with memories. Logically speaking, there's no way he can "prove his existence" as this lie is all he knows.
He isn't even aware of OKT's existence outside of what others told him and Index's presence. He has no recollection of any of his memories before the accident and the only thing he knows about is that OKT sacrificed everything for Index.
How can he set out to prove the existence of the person that he already is?
This is his reality. This is all he knows. He knows nothing of Old Touma. So he can't set out to prove he's a new Touma when in his own mind he's always been that man, and doesn't ever remember being Old Touma. He can't prove that he's not something that he doesn't remember he was.
He was never able to be true to himself. He was one big liar, deceiving everyone in the world, but actually worse than all that is... he deceived both Index and himself the most.
He had not wanted to hurt Index. He had wanted to be the Kamijou Touma that she had trusted. But hadn’t that truly just been Kamijou himself not wanting to see Index’s shocked face? Hadn’t he just been afraid that she would leave him?
As what he really was most scared of, is the idea of her leaving him. If it is the Old Kamijou Touma who she has feelings for, then the New Kamijou Touma most probably has zero bearing in her heart. So of course he was afraid. Afraid he'd be rejected and never looked at with same kind of fondness as before if she ever found out. Afraid that, he would be viewed as the Kamijou Touma that unjustly replaced the man that she loved. Afraid, he would become just another piece of her past at best and a forgotten memory at worst.
So it was easier to say he did it to protect that smile of Index. It was easiest to put a lid on that anxiety and cling to the only basis of those memories to act as a seal. He was rather selfish in that regard. But It is undeniable that the past Touma and Index share a very special and deep bond that goes far beyond friendship—a bond that cannot be easily defined or labeled.
At times in the past, he might have felt obligated to act a certain way because he thought it was what his "past self" would have done, but now, he is completely free from such burden and, after the events of OT22, here and now, we have a Touma that tries to be honest to himself. He is still Touma in his hearts of hearts, and this shouldn't bother him or Index. And it doesn't, Index accepts it, or rather doesn't care. She just wants him to return as he is. To come back home to her. It was a weird idea to begin with honestly. Memory loss Touma has been dealing with so much about living up to the originals legacy and following the standards that pre amnesia Kamijou had set, all for Index to just say it doesn't matter and rejects the whole idea of becoming his old "self".
Makes you laugh, doesn't it? Especially when you remember that Index long since knew that Touma had loss all his memories. We just have to refer back to believe it or not the end of the Index arc. Yes. Though, Index tried to get Touma to remember her and sort of confessed her feelings to him to no avail, she already knew he remembered nothing. (Although seeing that when confronted Touma played it off as a joke and lied it's understandable why people were readily to dismiss this fact). Though, that's taking it at face value.
Now it's up to interpretation if Index fully believed his lies or not but what if she was caught up in the same web of beliefs as Touma? Coping, not by avoiding the issue, but instead repressing it. Putting it to the back of her mind and taking the lie as a truth in order to protect herself from the fear of being left alone or worse than that being forgotten. Because, it is easier to believe a lie than the horrible truth— that their first ever meeting and the impact that it held were all gone, and maybe so too were those emotions.
Index could imagine all what Touma thought. She seemed to understand that Touma felt the same anxiety and fear that she felt. But, she was so busy controlling her own emotions and reasoning that she didn't think about it that much and understood, that the boy Infront of her, was her. A character who relied on another to prove their existence. A person who simply did not want to be left alone. You can begin to see this very subtly in OT6 with the duality between Hyouka and Touma as all three have identity issues.
Index answer to Touma's confession about his memory loss was her being forced to face reality, and not to pretend to not notice the truth of the matter—he did not remember that special time they had spent together. But as she said, what really matters is that the usual him comes backs home to her. Because, at the end of the day, Touma is still Touma. And that is who she really fell in love with.
New Touma and Old Touma aren't different, deep down, they're the same, and that is what she feels. One might just wear his neurosis on his sleeve but he is still the same painfully earnest boy. He carries all of the same kind of concerns, the same kind of worries and uncertainties... and lives his life anyway. He keeps moving forward, and keeps reaching for his goals despite the parts of himself that do their best to get in his own way.
But we also must consider the other circumstance of this moment which obviously meant a lot to her. Touma doesn't realize it, but before he had loss his memories, the last thing he and Index discussed was about creating new memories together. At that moment in time it was nothing but a white lie. A harmless lie. A kind lie that Old Touma told her to reassure her, but it was now turned into the proud truth granted by non other than this New Kamijou Touma. And that's probably one of the things she loves about him. But also, contradictory, the same thing that brings her pain.
Theirs is a relationship between two wacko's who can barely function on their own. A relationship where neither can stand the thought of being apart from each other and want's the other to be a part of their normal mundane life. If index had met Touma a year ago, she surely wouldn't be able to bear spending every day alone on the run. And, just the same, the moment the being called Kamijou Touma met Index, she became a integral part of the core essence that made him up.
3- KARMA OF THE PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE AND SELF.
In the end, after the battle of WW3 was over, Kamijou Touma welcomed his second “death”, and emerging from the frozen waters of Russia, a New Kamajiou Touma came into existence. One born this time from the acceptance of Index, for her reception of his current self, meant the entire world to him.
It must be vividly stressed, however, that Touma didn't so much abandon his past identity as the Kamijou Touma of before, but instead, no longer uses those old memories and actions as the main basis to support or define his current self. It is the subtle difference between 'you need to admit you aren't OKT and give yourself permission to choose how you want to live your life' vs ' You were never OKT in the first place, so you need to give up and accept you will never become him.'
Clearly, he has always thought of themselves as separate beings in retrospect, but this distinction to our protagonist, becomes a rather poetic topic as it is the crux of the later plots in NT9 and NT22R; where his new life gets challenged with the past or I.E overlaps 'he' who had lost his memory with the 'he' before he had lost his memory. (Of course this is is all in reference to Index as she is symbolic with the theme of "identity")
The point I'm trying to make here is, though Touma now has freedom to be his own person, he still hasn't really accepted the past. Not when he continues to view things as 'split'. Because, two different versions of himself in conflict will lead to the inevitable destruction of himself.
He might have stopped comparing the two versions against each other, but he still has not made peace with his past or himself. And that is the core flaw that will always keep repeating itself—why he gives OKT a higher opinion over himself, and why Index still remains on that same pedestal. She is the very representation of the past itself, as well as the metaphorical present and future.
“Ku… So you mean to say that that incident was too pointless to remember?” Apparently misunderstanding, Stiyl continued. “Then, fine. I won’t squabble with you over it. Once I’m done here, the boundary will be complete. And, we’ll be able to head to Misawa Cram… how troublesome. I have to set up a boundary to repel magicians but weak enough that that child won’t notice.” Stiyl continued to mutter, seemingly quite happy. As such, Kamijou somewhat realized a fact. “Do you like Index?” “Eh? EH!?” Stiyl blushed as if his heart had stopped. “Wh-Wh-Wh-Why are you saying such ridiculous things all of a sudden?! She-She’s a target of protection, not for romance—!” Kamijou chuckled and ended the conversation because he felt that if he delved deeper, he would dig his own grave. The main point was not whether the current Kamijou Touma liked Index or not but that the current Kamijou’s feelings must have been the same as the previous Kamijou. The current him knew not how the pre-amnesia Kamijou Touma thought of Index or how the interactions went. If Kamijou were to say something contradictory, Stiyl would have realized his masquerade. It’s like there’s two of “me”… Kamijou sighed deeply in his heart. It was inaccurate to say there were two Kamijou’s. Kamijou felt that a false him invaded the real one’s body and assumed his personality, putting the current him in an awkward situation.
NT and GT barely concentrated much between them and their connection or conflict, but from what little it chooses to say and not say, adds to the emotional torment with Index. As the past him/OKT likes Index. He can't let go of that fact, but nor can he deny that he also likes Index, which is represented by this impulsive attraction, hollowness and fixation with her.
“Let’s go home.” Kamijou said. Unable to get past the flowing gold, Kamijou could only make a detour through the four buildings and return to Himegami. “I beat that guy called Aureolus. I didn’t kill him but he’s done. He can’t fight, he’s wounded and his heart’s broken.” So, go home. There was nothing left to protect. The students that took part in the Gregorian Chant could not be saved and he ended up dueling the alchemist. There lacked any reason for Kamijou to remain there. He himself desired to escape that battlefield filled with death and return home. He wanted to go home and he wanted to have dinner with Index. It would be alright so long as he escaped Misawa Cram School. If I could just see her, I could return to the normal world. Before I’m stuck here, before I get used to a world of murder and death… If I can’t go back it’s over. He realized blankly and ever so clearly. A devil appeared in Kamijou’s fragile heart. First, according to Stiyl, Index had to have her memory wiped every year. Second, according to Stiyl, Index found a new partner every year. Finally, according to Stiyl, Index was completely ignorant. Easily imaginable, the Index who smiled years past was not the Index that Kamijou knew. There were too many around Index that needed her. He had not explicitly said it, but Stiyl did imply it when he had said “this does not mean we have given up and are leaving her to you.” “…” A sudden feeling of grogginess forced Kamijou to support himself with his hand. He felt that if he treated that child just like any other person, he would be unable to return to his ordinary life. …Such an ugly and possessive thought. In such critical circumstances, thoughts of self defeat could easily become self-sacrifice or other suicidal actions. Kamijou took a deep breath and calmed himself, forcing himself not to think in such a way. He had realized that if such thoughts continued, his mind would have crumbled.
Touma had long since realize he has these feelings that were deeper than just “I like her” and “I want her in my life” towards Index. But he did not want to express it because it’ll just complicate things between them. In all, Touma knows there's something’s there, but refuses to address it. And by the point of OT6, resolves to not view her as a target for 'intimacy' (NT is when this becomes fully realize)
"Why haven't you realized it yet?" "...What?" "Your words are really contradicting. You believe that your heart is having so many contradictions, that you can accept all sorts of ideas, that your belief will waver...maybe you're thinking that way. But you're wrong. Actually, you had only one belief right from the beginning." Kamijou said it, the only answer that Sherry herself hadn't thought of, "Anyway, you just don't want to lose your friend, right?" That was right, the 'beliefs' that Sherry Cromwell had were as many as the stars in the sky, and the contents were contradicting each other. But the basic source was the same. All her beliefs came from what happened to her friend, and all her thoughts had been bred and derived from there. Even though her beliefs were as many as the stars, the thoughts for her friend hadn't changed a single bit. "Stand on one side and think carefully! If you can't, then think about it some more! Didn't you use those dirt 'eyes' to spy on us? What do you think? Do Index and I look unhappy together? It’s alright even if we don’t separate from each other completely! Even if we don’t do anything, we can remain happy together forever!” Wasn’t Kamijou’s and Index’s relationship what Sherry had always wanted? Why must she break such a relationship?’ Kamijou would definitely not say those words, for Sherry had only one wish, and that wish couldn’t be fulfilled anymore. There was no substitute for the wish, and if someone had tried to tell Kamijou to replace his relationship with Index with someone else, Kamijou would definitely sock that guy good. Thus, Kamijou didn’t mean this. What Kamijou Touma was trying to say was, ‘We don’t need your help! So stop taking away my important friend!’
The problem was not that he couldn't wrap his head around what exactly that "feeling" was, or that he could not define it, but that he can never be completely *genuine* with those briming emotions. Not even after he reached the common understanding that what he feels for Index or for that matter what past him felt for Index is actually beyond general infatuation.
“…listen to what the winner says?” “It’s not that. Even though we said that we’ll listen to what the winner says, there’s still a limit, Index! It’s definitely not that kind of perverted development that you’re thinking of, so please relax!!” “Wa! I’m not thinking about that!!” Index opened her mouth, but froze halfway through. Index didn’t know whether to leap onto him or not, as she could only open her small mouth wide. Kamijou trembled as he thought, (Cheh!! Though it’s irritating to get bitten, it’s awkward for her to have such awareness! It’s unbearable to be in kind of attention where nothing is happening. How can I break this deadlock!?) Taking this opportunity to remove her bad habit of biting others was a way, but if things weren’t successful, it wouldn’t be good for this awkward situation to continue. Why do I feel like I’m having some dilemma, like I’m confessing to my childhood friend!? Kamijou was perplexed.
Not after hearing what happened between Index and the original him on that fateful day, encouraging him to set up a safety net status quo, whereby, with hopefulness and sincerity verging on desperation, he tries to get bitten by Index. Otherwise, he stews in the possibility he might have to confront these said awkward feelings.
Similar to pre-memory loss Touma in OT1.
“…” Index surely had the best of intentions as she sat there with a towel, but Kamijou found himself unable to attach the term “innocent” to it. “What is it?” “Oh…” Kamijou had fallen silent, and now he tried to change the subject. “I was thinking about how you look from here in this futon.” “Do I look weird? I am a nun; I can nurse people.” He did not, in fact, believe she appeared odd. Her pure white nun’s habit and motherly behavior made her seem like an actual nun (a fact he insultingly found surprising). And, more importantly… The way she looked at him with those teary eyes and flushed cheeks from having cried, she seemed quite… But for some reason, he just could not bear to speak that aloud, so instead he said, “Oh, it’s nothing. I noticed that your nose hairs are silver too, is all.” “………………………………………………………” Index’s smile instantly froze in place. “Touma, Touma. Do you know what’s in my right hand?” “Well, the porridge… No, wait! Don’t offer it to gravity!” In the next instant, Kamijou Touma met the misfortune of having his vision filled with the white porridge and its bowl.
Similar to when he retuned from WW3 drunk and had to face both Index and Misaka. And similar to when he returned home to Index after the whole Ichihanaransai Festival incident.
In a story that is constantly changing with all kinds of love interest, Index is a constant in Touma's everyday life. She maybe an absolute mess and someone he doesn't truly understand, but she is also someone who he completely feels comfortable with on all levels. She is always there when Touma comes home and the two of them jut vibes and get each other.
Outwardly, their relationship might appear to be static and the very embodiment of the story's status quo, however, inwardly, it is clear from the start they've grown very very very close to each other that feelings of romanticism still very much exist and have practically develop even more. Both from Index side[who feelings were innocent at the time] and Kamijou's[who fell for Index separate from the past]. Those feelings didn't get stuck in the past and just disappeared. They wouldn't. Regardless of what has happened, they will at least stay with them forever.
Their actions may not be honest, but their feelings sure as heck were. And that is a very real thing that they have. But what keeps them apart is the most human and painfully relatable emotion of all, fear.
“Tell me your name.” The Magic God hopped from desk to desk as if she were crossing a clear stream using the rocks sticking above the surface. She was approaching the boy. It was a simple task. And she finally arrived at the boy’s desk. With her feet planted on the desk, she looked down on the puny boy from the heavens above. “ ‘Kamijou Touma’, what kind of person were you originally?” “…” “As you filled with righteous anger and challenged a god for the sake of your friends, what kind of people surrounded you? Who did you abandon in order to protect someone?” Unpleasant sweat poured from the boy’s face, back, and entire body. “There had to be someone. It may not have been on the level of that ridiculous harem boy, but the ‘real you’ had to have had someone. Someone you wanted to protect with your life even if it meant fighting someone you knew you could not defeat. Where is that person now? Where are they and what are they doing while you are denying the ‘real you’ and insisting you are ‘Kamijou Touma’?” All heat seemed to have left his body. He was cold. A chill enveloped his body and threatened to freeze its core. “Tell me,” said the Magic God. She toyed with the initiative. “As thanks for letting me kill some time, I will return you to your former position as long as you tell me your proper name. …You can return to your friends, lover, and family. If you can find your ‘true self’, I will return you to the people who hold a connection to that ‘true self’.
Fear of the possibility that they might be rejected; fear that they might say or do something wrong which could result in them being separated. The fear that at each of their cores, there exist the belief that they are each others second choice, and are only settling.
The implication here is that Touma still carries in him some self-guilt and uncertainty about his identity, even if Index had accepted him. Because, deep down, he still doesn't feel that he deserves her happiness, or validation. Even though he knows he has feelings for her, a part of him still feels that he isn't supposed to.
A soccer ball rolled up to Kamijou’s feet. Othinus gently removed her arms from his neck. Freed from her grasp, he looked over. A small form approached him. It was a nun wearing a white habit. “My ball…” Hearing that voice, Kamijou instinctually reached for the soccer ball at his feet. As Index approached the ball, she almost looked like a puppy. A few other people were visible behind her. Stiyl Magnus. Kanzaki Kaori. And some priests and nuns he did not recognize. “Oh,” he muttered. Due to losing his memories, he had lost the actual events. But he more or less understood based on his knowledge. This was a future where they had not failed and had not had their role stolen by Kamijou. “?” As the silver-haired girl took the large ball from him, she looked at his face and tilted her head. “What’s wrong? Does your stomach hurt?” she asked. He figured he was making a very strange face. Would something change if he reached out with his right hand and rubbed her head? Or would nothing at all change? For an instant, his right palm trembled ominously. “No.” Kamijou formed a smile. He quietly clenched his right fist on his lap. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.” Kamijou watched the girl’s back as she jogged away. That sight of her joining another group had to be the one those people had seen so many times in the world he knew. Had that really been a form of salvation? Who had he been saving by continually providing those people this horrible sense of loss?
In one fell swoop, Othinus reopened some pretty deep wounds.
Retreading the same grounds of his emotional arc, and also acting as a doubles entendre, questioning this time, what happened to the "him" who is all alone... separated from that someone [who he loves].
It is unknown if Othinus meant for it or not, but she basically portrayed to him, a Touma who not only betrayed the memory of his past, but also a incredibly callous person who took advantage of that persons feelings and vulnerability.
“Wait!” Kamijou Touma heard a certain girl’s voice. A small figure ran toward him. She was a nun in a white habit that had golden embroidery as if on a teacup. He knew this girl by the name of Index. “Stiyl, Kaori! It’s wrong to only let me choose three things in this food paradise!! I’m already starving!!” Kamijou raised his head of his own free will. He wanted to burn the scene before him into his mind. As the silver-haired girl ran out of the crowd, she held a calico cat in her arms. She had already spotted who she was looking for, so there was no hesitation in her actions. And… Without slowing for an instant, she ran right by Kamijou. She had not been looking at him. He heard voices behind him. But the boy did not look back. He had made up his mind now. He felt as if he had seen what he truly needed to protect. He began walking once more.
The gap between that Beta world and Perfect World, seemingly presented him with his greatest fears referenced way back in OT2. (Styles words came to pass.)
In that Omega World which challenged his internal conflict, Touma's shaky mental stability reinforced his perspective of making sure to do right by Index and OKT relationship, because, he understood firsthand how much OKT cared about her.
That's why, after the regret and anguish that he had held at the end of NT 22, a complete manifestation of Touma's inner false perceptions, past memories and desperate desires snatched away most of his power and took his place to fulfill his wish that wasn't granted with the use of his current self.
My interpretation of things is that KnT is what happens when he losses sight of what it means to be Kamijou Touma.
KnT is just a ruthless version of what Touma could have become if he was never the same at his core. The narration had already said it best, he is the complete opposite of Kamijou Touma. They're ethically very different. KnT is the very embodiment of his self hatred that got touched on when he fought, Izzard, Vento and Kamisato as well as the the false perceptions he applied to himself throughout the series up until now—that is, he is a terrible person. The worse type of person. Someone who puts his desire to save people over everyone else. An underhanded trickster who uses people to achieve his ends. A selfish person who is dishonest and usually achieves what he wants through pure violence. (like he said in the conversation with Isis Demeter Orsala)
This is serious coping from Touma's side, because, he is a character who does the selfless thing and then seeks a selfish reason later on so no one could accuse him of being a saint or a good person when he decides to go against public opinion to save another person.
However, KnT vs Touma wasn't a fight of kantianism vs utilitarianism.
“Besides, you should have been able to try a little harder. You didn’t need to give up on those lives if you had used your right hand properly!! What about the Golden magicians? Or Aleister and Coronzon!? Can you really say that conclusion was the best possible one!? Well, can you!?” Even if the unexpected had happened, he could not back out now. He could not admit it had been a failure. “Wasn’t that who Kamijou Touma was supposed to be?” So he played the villain. He claimed he had always intended to do it while desperately trying to fix things. All while trusting that he would come up with some way of fixing this if he bought himself enough time. “When you had nowhere to escape to, you didn’t hesitate to rely on Komoe-sensei. When you couldn’t win with your arm, you held back the magicians with pleas to their emotions. You didn’t care about the suffering girl’s time limit; you were just afraid of losing everything yourself. It’s pathetic, but wasn’t that a part of who Kamijou Touma was!?”
But KnT basically pulled a White Ichigo. Teaching him what it means to be Kamijou Touma by being someone who Kamijou Touma obviously is not, even with the use of IB and the memories of the past and present. Essentially telling him to never give up on himself or else another imposter state will take his spot for keeps this time[at the cost of Touma himself].
“He is my past.” “Your past?” asked Takitsubo Rikou with a blank stare and a tilt of her head. That single word cut right to the core of who someone was and acted as a guide to those who heard it. But Kamijou had difficulty explaining this. He did not know how. But at the very least, this other boy had claimed Kamijou Touma’s missing past. “A forgotten past is a really heavy thing because it points to things I’ve done that I’m completely ignorant of. And it feels like I’m being criticized about every little thing. Like I’m just an illusion because I lack that solid foundation.” But whatever that Kamijou Touma said may not have mattered all that much. He was afraid of hearing those same things from someone else. Like from a girl with a link to that missing past. “I feel like old friends and people with a connection to my past will see him as more meaningful and valuable than me. …I thought I had finally gotten past all that by being honest about it, but even if they claim to forgive me, how can I never know if that’s what they really and truly think deep down? It scares me to think I’m disappointing people I care for.” That other boy could probably trace his finger along the data of the past and spread his ring of allies as wide as he liked. He could act like Kamijou Touma and steal away the people and things Kamijou had built up. That was how much weight the past and memories carried. If he was asked to objectively prove his claim, Kamijou would always come out on the losing end.
His trauma from NT9 came back full circle.
“I thought if we fought, I could preserve the place we had.” “…” “As long as Aleister and Coronzon’s battle continued, I thought we could live in Academy City forever. So maybe I wanted to find some big mystery leftover and for it to take physical form and attack us.” But that was selfish. Aleister and Coronzon themselves must have been fighting to bring an end to all the fighting. He could not demand they extend their suffering just because he wanted to protect his own temporary lifestyle. He knew that. He did, but Kamijou Touma still bit his lip. “What do we do?” Index had two paths open to her: stay here in England, or head back to Academy City. “What are we supposed to do now?” And Kamijou Touma also had two paths open to him. Aleister was gone. His plan was no more. Would he return to an Academy City with no scheming villain, or would he choose another path by heading into the world of magic while relying on his right hand’s power? Imagine Breaker worked on any supernatural power whether it came from science or magic, so perhaps he had no reason to stay in Academy City any longer. Index did not say anything for a while. She was thinking. Then her lovely lips opened just a bit and she spoke. “I want to go home.” “Kh.” She had made her choice. Index wanted to go home. Of course she did. It had always been unnatural for her to be in Japan’s Academy City. Kamijou knew he had to make his choice now. But Index smiled and said more. “So let’s go home to Academy City. I mean, isn’t that what we were fighting for? If we don’t do that, what were we even risking our lives for?” “Are you really okay with that?” He was trembling. But he could not quite figure out why that was. “I mean, this is where you were born and there’s nothing tying you to that city anymore! If you want to return here, you can!! So are you really sure!?” “There is something.” The silver-haired girl in the princess dress smiled a little. This was not the usual smile she gave. “There still is something tying me there. But it isn’t a bad thing. So let’s go home, Touma. The place I’m thinking of now has to be where I’m really meant to be. That isn’t something I can abandon so readily.” He had no words. Even though he knew he had to say something. If Index stayed in London, she would have plenty of use for her talents. And there were people here waiting for her, like Stiyl and Kanzaki. There was no need for her to force herself to return to her life in Academy City. He wanted to tell her to think about this more carefully so she could make sure she had made the best possible decision for herself. But he could not. He could not bring himself to do it. As ugly and as despicable as it might be, Kamijou could not possibly say anything that had the slightest chance of making her change her mind. So silence naturally fell over them. They simply stood there on the otherwise empty balcony looking into each other’s eyes. Someone must have been shooting off fireworks to celebrate the end of the war because the many colors of those fiery flowers illuminated the winter darkness outside the balcony. But the boy and the girl did not turn to look. “Index…” he said. He naturally placed his hands on her slender shoulders. Not even he may have known what he was trying to do. His fingertips must have touched the buns on either side of her head when he placed his hands on those shoulders because her silver hair came undone. It shined brightly in the moonlight. Index softly looked up at him. And like that, she ever so slightly angled her head.
And KnT, part living proof of his of his innate desires, tried to confront his fears. To ascertain a conclusion which can finally put him to rest. But more than that, to grant his whish to protect the very happiness of all that which he treasures[almost as if like a dragon].
“Geez, really? Index, quit chowing down on those! You’re getting crumbs all over your dress!!” “Nhh.” “Are you feeling sleepy? All you’ve been saying is ‘nh’.” “Nhhh.” She was apparently too sleepy to respond properly. That would probably change once the caffeine kicked in, but Kamijou had no choice but to look after her for the time being. He used a handkerchief to wipe off her mouth and the lace around her neck before brushing the cracker crumbs off of her dress. They were unsalted crackers, so the calico cat licked at the ones that fell into her lap. And… “…” Did he notice the honey-blonde girl with the apple jam tea silently narrowing her eyes? She watched the pointy-haired boy smiling bitterly as he looked after the small girl. What was she reminded of when she saw that?
Although, though it is not confirmed, the implications in the last couple of chapters is that, somewhere between trying to understand the intended character of Kamijou Touma and his relationship dynamics, KnT started to bloom feelings of his own. And he hates himself for somehow developing them. He does not look at life similar to most people. He was suppose to be emotionless and hollow.
That monster really was the opposite of Kamijou Touma. While Kamijou had been remade into a sky-blue and lemon-yellow winged lizard when it surrounded him from the outside, the monster hid his shocking-pink and emerald form beneath the skin of a boy. That summed it up quite well. Was it a boy controlling an ability, or was it an ability defining itself as a boy? In his own way, he had tried to carry everything on his own shoulders. But it had all fallen apart before his eyes. Had he played the villain and pretended to be so coldhearted because he had not known how to accept that? Just like Aleister had pretended to see everything coming? “You didn’t think that ability was nothing more than a colorful shell to cover your body, did you?” “…” “I’m here because you wished for me, Kamijou Touma. That’s why I have this form. You made the wish, didn’t you? You knew it was an absurd idea, but during that war you wished you could have used Imagine Breaker more effectively. You wondered if the real way to use it was hidden in your lost memories. If it wasn’t for your regrets, I never would have had to think about something as silly as using your lost memories to play the role of Kamijou Touma and using Imagine Breaker more cleverly than you!!!!!!” “You never would have… had to think?” “I’m nothing more than an an ability: something that distorts quantum physics. I was supposed to have nothing of my own. My sense of self, my personality to overcome any adversity, and my memories that you lack? It all only exists because you wished it to.”
However, once he met Index, those feelings which were enough to launch his villain journey, now transformed into strong feelings that he developed while he was pretending to be someone else [and not OKT].
It is unclear whether the mixed emotions are his own, NKT or the ones that KT had in the past. But, KnT emphasized that whether Touma has his memories or even if his core were not there, he can not forget the feelings that had sprouted in his chest, even if he wanted to. She is a core piece of the puzzle that makes up his heart, paved in as someone other than himself.
Thus, as that symbolic theme of identity, she made KnT lose himself, dropped his guard and got him swept up in that "Pink Atmosphere" that clearly surrounds the both of them. To the point of almost kissing her, comforting her and allowing himself to be comforted by her.
But so what?
The majority of it was still NKT and not KnT. Be it the burst of emotions felt on that balcony, being pissed for constantly being used by the leaders of the world. Or knowing exactly why Touma and Misaki's promise was so important enough to manipulate her. None of those were his own feelings. (Stopping to think about it, chapter 4 could be seen as him having a identity crisis.)
Hence this incredibly human hatred towards the current Kamijou Touma—the person who is responsible for starting it all.
Regardless, by the end of NT22R, Touma displayed the growth he has achieved over the series by succeeding where his former self had failed. He now constructed this rigid structure of the current Kamijou Touma, and no longer will he dismiss his own existence. As selfish it may seem, he wants to move forward with this current life. This is why he refuses Rank #6. And also see the parallelism between Maidono and him.
If Aurelous is what he could have become if he had failed in saving Index, then, Maidono is who he would be If he had remained fixated on his lost memories–Someone who uses their trauma as a excuse and right to do whatever they want.
It’s that very same thing he has been running away from since the start. A dust-colored camouflage that gives a false sense of security to entitlement.
To the one who sets his heart ablaze.
I think feelings and recognizing the way you feel is important and all but in lieu of referencing destiny, I also think sometimes feelings are predetermined just by the way you're wired and the way you meet someone. Feelings of love always start from somewhere and while Ayu's fate and Misaki's meeting being forgotten definitely contributed, It was Index herself that drew him in.
Basically, OT2 confirmed that Touma enjoys Index's company. OT6 confirmed that he values her as an important person in his life(not really love yet but ultra close). NT9 confirms that he would be completely devastated to know that Index doesn't look at him and then N22R confirms that he is indeed in love with her.(If KnT is a dragon that protects treasure then the one he gave all his attention to could be considered Touma's most prize possession)
But, with all the events that happen in the series I don't think either of them(Touma and Index) truly understands what they feel for each other. It's... complicated. Somewhere between lovers, siblings, and parent and child, made even more complicated when you consider that it is a relationship between a horny amnesiac teenager that is basically a walking cluster of feelings for a girl that looks like a loli, and a innocent girl whose heart has not yet awakened to love, and has the mental maturity of a 10 year old.
The only thing they seem to agree on (however implicitly) is that neither one wants to live without the other and that they each want the other to be happy. Those sentiments are more important than any labels, because, we know they're honest with each other in terms of that closeness.
For them, they just want a normal life together. Index wants that and so to does Touma. I don't doubt that they both see each other as family, but the question is which label? Because their relationship is still an unmolded clay. It's not so one sided as everyone claims and both their 'family' roles are interchangeable. What is for certain however is that, Index knows she has strong feelings towards Touma and Touma, vice versa, knows he has strong feelings towards Index. But living together is enough for them to feel happy. There is no need for them to label anything.
The weird thing you have to consider about Touma and Index is that they are exactly the kind of people who can go over 10 years not in a relationship and yet absolutely both feel like they're dating each other even if it's not official between them. To the average bystander, they could be just friends one day and after a day or two, see them again and they'll be married with no prior engagement or explanation. They're just that weird.
They make fun of each other, argue, fight and at the end of it all make up and goof about. They’ve been there for each other, even if they didn’t know it at times. They might fight like cats and dogs, but they're also always watching out for each other. They're close, despite the vast gap of nearly everything, and have an emotional attachment to each other that fulfills each other's wants and needs. Index, with how she gives every version of him purpose and direction, and Touma, with how he gives her a place to call home and new memories with which she will always treasure and hold deeply. It is that glue that keeps them together for so long.
Theirs is a story that begins with them and will end with them.
In fact, they practically have the same arc, though Index’s is rather understated compared to Touma [she didn’t adopt a false persona after all]. For both of them, the flaw that they must learn to overcome over the course of the series is their fear of confronting the truth of their past. Or to put it more crudely, the truth they’re at the very least omitting. Touma does so to upheld the past and protect himself from his fear of being rejected, and, Index does so at the expense of herself, because she fears the truth will do more harm than good. They’re two sides of the same coin.
Nonetheless, the key points in their emotional journeys are intrinsically connected to each other.
