Hello!! This is my entry for @ketterdam-it 's 500 special post. I hope ya'll like it! I must confess I started writing this when Sign of the times started playing and finished it by the time the song ended. So it took (1) Sign of the Times long to write it.
Kaz Brekker had known fear. Kaz had known joy. Kaz had known love and hate and hope and death. But he did not understand this feeling in his stomach right now. For once, the most feared man in Ketterdam was speechless. Absolutely still.
He fell back into his chair trying to process the news. Reading and re-reading the letter. He understood one thing from it all. Stay Alive, Kaz. That, he understood perfectly well. His wife was pregnant. He was to be a father. But how could he be something he didn’t understand? He didn’t know the love of a father. He didn’t know the roles and responsibilities. Ask Jesper, a voice yelled at him, he has a father. But how would he ask? Hey Jesper, can I use your dad as a case study so I can make notes and practice to become a father? Kaz knew he had to get out of here. The sea air was rotting his brain, as Matthias would have said. Go outside, he heard Inej’s voice through her letter.
Mechanically pulling his gloves, he picked up his cane and stepped outside like he was following orders. It was the bare vestiges of autumn and the cold air was blowing through the canal. Even the barrel of Ketterdam was beautiful as the blazing sun subdued. Looking at his territory, he remembered the whisper of a kiss on his cheek. His lips tingled with the memory of Inej’s forehead beneath it. She was coming back home.
He sorted out the information like it was a list. She was coming back home earlier than usual. She was safer than could ever be. She bore their child. He had to write a letter.
But what would he write? I’m happy for you? He shook his head. He had to be true to her. The truth was that he was terrified. Not just of being a father but being a good man. He was the Bastard of the barrel for crying out loud! He lived his life on blood money. He married a thief of circumstance. He was best friends with an arsonist and a compulsive shooter. His acquaintances were Grisha on the front lines of war. He was born in blood and he was going to die in it.
If he died, who would take care of his baby? Inej could take care of herself but she couldn’t care for both of them on her own. Even if he didnt die, he would be recognized on the streets as a thug and thief. His child could be used as a leverage against him. Someone could kidnap his child and hold the baby hostage. He had a weakness now. And it wasn't a weakness that could take care of itself.
But he thought back to Inej. how his love for her just made her stronger. Kept him going even when times were tough. He remembered how he first tingled when he just opened a tiny sluice door and let a drop of love flow in his veins. When he allowed himself to feel again. The adrenaline rush that this drug could give him kept him alive more than he gave credit for.
He saw it clearly now. His baby would be the best dagger wielder the world had seen. He chuckled to himself, imagining a child coming home with a bloody box of toys. He thought of Wylan cuddling his baby and teaching it to blow up things. He thought of Jesper. Long, lanky, Jesper who he knew would shower more love than everyone, except himself and Inej. He thought of Nina and how she would make his child laugh till it felt out of breath. They would all teach it to be brave and smart and kind. They were a family. And family stays together. They look out for each other. The baby will grow up well in Ketterdam. It will have the most dangerous people alive as it’s parents. Maybe he wasn’t happy. He was elated. Exultant. Excited. He was Kaz Ghafa. And Kaz Ghafa didn’t care for fear or hope or death. He cared for family. He knew pure, unadulterated joy and satisfaction.
And so he sat to write a letter. The last one before he saw his wife for real, again. A proper little family.