#katiebug writes

[thetimecametoblossom]

So it's 6 PM. I'm getting frustrated with myself for wasting time perusing mommy-blogs to laugh at all the funny things kids say. (Kids are a riot. I love them.) I need to do math and listen to the CDs I was supposed to be done listening to tomorrow but I have only four done and I need to clean my room because it's getting messy again and I need to wash my face and brush my teeth... Something inside told me to quiet my busy mind and pray. I'm halfway back to my bed from popping a new CD in my stereo. I'm about to multi-task planning out tomorrow and listening to the CD. I just dropped that. (For now.) I'm a goal-setter and a procrastinator, which doesn't work well. But I am a goal setter. I like to have all my ducks in a row and my schedule mapped. I feel accomplished when I've stuck to it like I'm supposed to. And lately I've been thinking about baby steps I want to take next year. Because, really, it's not about giant leaps forward into adulthood or whatever. It's about steps and about walking. I've been thinking about leaving speech and debate next year, getting a job somewhere in town if I can, getting an internship, starting a business, starting college, finishing up high school. I've been thinking about those things.  I crafted my "Life Purpose statement" for CollegePrep last week while sipping on a latte in a coffee shop and worrying about whether or not I was doing it right and being scared that I was messing up my own Life Purpose. That I was doing the wording wrong. I don't all know what this statement is supposed to do or what all it entails because Jesus, I don't know what I'll do with it. Or how to do it. All I really know is that I like reaching out to people who remind me of me and I like "being an anchor". I like writing and music. I don't understand how the dots connect. It's fine. It will be fine. The nagging voice at the back of my head tells me that I'd better get my butt in gear (what does that even mean?) and figure everything out somehow or it definitely won't be. I'll ignore that for now because it doesn't help me at all, it just makes me want to cry and resent people and eat a lot of mini M&Ms. And I still want to keep these things in mind, these things I need to do and accomplish, but I need to quiet this busy mind and pray, on my bed, in pajamas, makeup still on, teeth not brushed, room still messy, stereo paused, Geometry books and notebooks strewn across the bed. In my mental chaos and lingering worry. In my ignoring of that nagging voice and feeling like a bum for doing so. Despite it all. Just quiet down for a sec. I'll survive pushing aside the CDs for a moment to close my eyes and bumble around in prayer for awhile. Reliance. I need to rely on Jesus a lot more than I am. Guidance is there if I reach out. I don't need to feel alone in figuring all this stuff out. I like to plan it all out, but if I don't get to, and I probably won't, it's still all okay because I know whose hands I'm in. The Life Purpose statement isn't mine about me but God's about me. I'll figure out who it is I'm supposed to be. It's okay that I have younger friends who seem to have their purposes in life figured out 100% and I don't. It's fine, no matter what anyone thinks.  It's not just fine. It's good. It's good that things should be this way instead of any other way. I will choose to believe this and press forward while relying on Him. It's 6:45 PM. I feel pangs of guilt for having wasted time writing this. Precious time I could've been listening to CDs, doing math homework, cleaning, or a million other things. But I gotta quiet down this busy mind of mine and pray, and I needed to get this out of my mind before I forgot it all.

[thetimecametoblossom]

Got a new post up on the big girl blog about becoming an adult.

I've got four days left until I am seventeen. Which means that I've got 369 days left until I am an adult.  Which means I've got only about a year left of being a child. In 369 days, I'm going to be an adult. ...Deep breaths.

Read more by clicking above. :)

[thetimecametoblossom]

This is a short story.

That being said, I've still had to research:

Swedish immigration in the 1800s. Where Swedish immigrants settled.Blizzards in 1890. New York City in 1890. Jobs for women in 1890. Jobs for immigrants in 1890. Common names for girls in the 1870s. Common names for Norwegian boys in the 1870s. Norwegian surnames. Swedish surnames. Living conditions in 1890s New York. Where immigrants and the poor would've lived in 1890s New York. Epidemic outbreaks in the 1800s. Conscription/Wars in the US. Conscription/Wars in Sweden. Conscription/Wars in Norway. Common hairstyles for men and women in 1890s. Clothing for poor people in the 1890s. Dala horse figurines. Swedish fairytales. Swedish idioms. Norwegian sayings and idioms.

[thetimecametoblossom]

When I was really little, I thought that the verse that tells us to pray continually meant that we were never meant to sleep or eat or think about anything but praying. It doesn't mean that, but God should be on your mind. Your concerns should go to him first, before anyone else. He should be your closest confidante. He should be the one you tell your deepest secrets and admit your worst failures. Pray openly. Pray often. Pray so much that not doing it is stranger than doing it. If right now, praying feels awkward, pray more.  I used to dismiss prayer as silly to some degree because God knows everything. Why would I need to tell him anything? He knows. But that's not the point of prayer at all- Prayer changes us, not God. Sure, God knows our deepest fears and secrets. But we still need to tell him. It builds relationship. It softens us. And we oftentimes will not receive unless we have asked for what we need or want.  You want to get close to God? Get close. Act close. How would you get close with the ones who love and confide in the most? Get a cup of tea. Get that warm blanket, get on the couch, and just let it come out. Start awkward if need be. Stumble along through thanksgiving and prayer requests. Tell him how life is. Tell him what frustrates you. Tell him sometimes you think you're mad at him, or that he feels far. It's okay, he can take it, and he wants to hear this. Or go to the park in the sunshine and sit beneath a tree in the shade, far away from others. Listen to nature. Praise him for the beauty, for your life, for every breath you take in. Tell him you feel lonely, lost, and confused sometimes. Ask him for guidance. Ask him for fellowship with others.   Tell him about your problems and do not for one second believe that your problems are too small to be brought to God. Remember who he is. Yes, he is holy and powerful and mighty. He is a God who will bring justice on the earth. But he is also a God of love and compassionate. He is a God with an outstretched hand. He is a daddy. An Abba. A papa. He saves, and he keeps us safe under the shadow of His wings. He is a daddy God too. When you were small, did you fear that your problems were too little to ask your daddy for help? Did you shy away from asking him for help in tying your shoes or in finding your lost toys? You shouldn't have had to because a daddy does those things. No problem was too small to hear about. The same is true with God. Bring it to him.

More on the blog. :)

[thetimecametoblossom]

someplace by the sea someplace in the green someplace where the sun shines over the white foamed sea. someplace where the flowers curl 'round the trees someplace where the honeysuckle dips down to meet the bees. someplace where the mountain stands up proud and tall and turns brilliant hues of red at the dawning of the fall. someplace where the air is fresh and cool and sweet, where after the awaited petrichor rain, you, a new world meet. someplace where every snap of cold that you may find, only livens up your step, and puts a new song in your mind. someplace where you can dance along the empty street, someplace where you can fall in love, and savor every heartbeat. someplace where you can watch the growing of your world someplace where life is met with laughter, at every dip and twirl. a town among the oceanside, a house among the vines, a love amongst the pattering rain, a place that you will find.

[thetimecametoblossom]

Hey. There's more new poetry up on the blog. Check it out. :)

[thetimecametoblossom]

I'm not good. You know little to nothing of the thoughts in my head, don't tell me I'm good. Don't speak of letting my inner beauty shine when you don't know what's in me. Do you see this now? This blood and waste and dirt? It's mine. I show you the nice things about me, however few and far between, so don't tell me I should let me be. There's so much I could pour into your lap, so much disgusting, vile stuff, words fail me to describe myself. Please don't doubt me on this. Don't tell me it isn't there. I've seen what I shouldn't see and continued to see it. I've said what I shouldn't say and continued to say it. I've thought what I shouldn't think and continued to think it. I've done what I shouldn't do and continued to do it. If you live in a house that smells of rotting flesh, you notice it the first, second, and third day, but after years, the scent is gone, and you're nearly dead. I'm nearly all the numbed to myself. There's the faint thought that begs the questions "why?" But I look at whatever shred of good is left and deem myself in health. In me, I'm hopeless. Don't call me strong. Don't call me clean. Perhaps it's a matter of surrendering again and again, until I don't have to anymore, my whole self finally out of my corrupted hands.

[thetimecametoblossom]

Life opens up in a burst, slow fireworks erupting from the dead around it; everything comes alive. Do you feel the rumble? of the beating hearts and hooves? of the roots stretching beneath your feet? of the water pulsing in everything around you? Do you feel the heartbeat? Do you feel the warmth? Do you feel the cool grass between your toes? Do you smell the evergreen glades before you? Do you hear the leaves as they rush together in the breeze? Have you ever known a springtime where you felt the winter skin peel away with one breath of fresh air? This is green.