#kaypost

[dalliancekay]

It Starts with Us

Our Universe exists because of them.

We know their story. We have their love. We are their Book of Life in this Universe and we will give them so many happy endings.

[fencep0st]

:3

[dalliancekay]

It’s just that S2 introduced memory wipe as a punishment and S3 tried to tell us it’s a good thing.

Jim didn’t love Beelzebub. Gabriel did. He needed his memories for a reason. Anthony doesn’t know or love Aziraphale. He loves a completely different guy. Which is nice and all. But I wanted to see Aziraphale and Crowley happy. Safe. Free. I wanted them to stay in my universe. I thought we shared it!

I get what people mean about their dear ones when they lose memories. I care what people say about their own lost memories. I'd never say they were replaced by another person. But that's not at all what we are talking about here. It's a new universe with brand new people. (Which if determinism is not true and god is gone should not look like the old ones?)

And I am glad if you found comfort and happiness in S3! I wish I did too.

But to me Aziraphale and Crowley are gone - their love started the new universe and I am sure it was powerful enough to be everywhere and all that (I could have maybe even liked it if S3 was done better and I didn't get attached to Aziraphale and Crowley so much). It's just not the ending I craved. Or needed. Or find rewarding. As much as I like a deep philosophical conversation, I just wanted them to have one another. Safely. And for as long as they wished.

[dalliancekay]

I was looking forward to a million fics where Aziraphale and Crowley are finally free and safe and can breathe out and Crowley holds Aziraphale in his arms when he finally falls asleep the first time and Aziraphale holds Crowley when he cries the third morning they wake up together and realises God is still gone and no one is after them.

And now all of these fics are fucking AUs.

I wanted to know they are out there, talking things out and healing and holding one another and helping others with their traumas and

I WANTED HOPE for us all. I don't want a new universe where 'they' don't have the trauma.

The whole bloody POINT was that I cannot hope for another life after this one where all the suffering will be justified and I will be happy. I will never get another universe. Another life. I wanted hope that perseverance and kindness can bring healing here and now. That keeping going is worth it. And that in the mean time I can enjoy dessert even if it feels like the world is about the end. And fight another day.

We don't have the option to start the universe from scratch and hope for the best. We have to work within the systems we have. However bad or irreparable they seem. I don't want to give up. I don't want to be told Aziraphale was stupid for trying. That the system was never ever gonna change even if he got Crowley to stand before God and ask his question by the skin of his teeth.

I wanted them to go through the trials and the pain and the separation and the fear and emerge victorious. Not gone.

[dalliancekay]

Being Called Out

[dalliancekay]

Aziraphale, Walking

I know we talk a lot about Crowley's saunter, but may I present:

The careful way Aziraphale walks?

The way he looks so solid and strong?

So sure?

He seems to like his body (corporation)

And that's so sexy

He appears to be always on a particular, precisely calculated path at any point

Anyway, I love the way he holds himself

And Crowley definitely appreciates that too:

Also

And especially:

And erm

Guess who just spent an evening learning how to put together clips and some Tchaikovsky. (I hope this works) Thank you - for making my ev

[dalliancekay]

General Aziraphale

*just doing my job* Well, was there an alternative? Would 'choosing rebel side' make any difference? Make Aziraphale somehow 'better'? No. The sides were equally bad. Aziraphale and Crowley were both different. That's the point. Crowley had questions. And Aziraphale had love.

Aziraphale: “I can't believe it's over.” Michael: “And over in a glorious victory, Aziraphale. Quite outstanding.” Aziraphale: “Yes, I suppose so.” Michael: “At a cost, of course. How many did we lose in the last offensive?" Uriel: “About a hundred, I'm afraid. They took us by surprise." Aziraphale: "The whole thing was ghastly.” Uriel: “Aziraphale was inspiring and a remarkable strategist.” Aziraphale: “Just doing my job.” Michael: “The battle fought here, at the centre of all creation, turned the tide. They tried to gain control of the Eternal Flame, and they lost! Better tell the troops the good news, eh?” Crowley: “If you shout out or do anything to attract attention, you will be a dead angel. Do you understand? Give me the sword.” Aziraphale: “So you didn't actually have a weapon, then, when you were threatening me?” Crowley: “No. I lost it in the last battle.” Aziraphale: “Hello. I'm...” Crowley: “General Aziraphale, I know who you are. I saw you on the battlefield. I have a lot of questions, and nobody ever has the answers.” Aziraphale: “What's wrong? It may hurt, but... it'll help to staunch the wound a little. You know, I've spent the war smiting Rebel Angels. I've never done this before.” Crowley: “Should I say thank you?” Aziraphale: “Better not.” Crowley: “Thank you for the bandage.” Aziraphale: “Probably best if you don't, er... don't tell anyone how you got it. Good luck.”

And yes, I've noticed:

What is that supposed to mean? That people keep dying? You know, they do die in senseless ways and pointless wars and poverty in our universe too. What else matters if not trying to be kind?

Bonus:

[dalliancekay]

Crowley's depression

Everyone expected depressed Crowley in S3 because everyone expected Aziraphale made a big enormous stupid mistake by going to Heaven. The Book of Life was supposed to be made up. Aziraphale easily manipulated by lies. The job non existent. Aziraphale breaking them up for no good reason. Or because he still wanted to serve Heaven or something. Those were the main theories.

But that's not what happened. Aziraphale did become Supreme Archangel and he did stop Second Coming. He did have a good reason to go and he explains it too. If he had time (and help?) he might have even stopped Michael from getting hold of the Book of Life and destroying everything. If he wasn't relegated to just the side character, he might have made a difference to the ending.

My point being, Crowley is depressed in the finale because he gave up. They made him give up. Not because Aziraphale left. If Aziraphale stayed Crowley would not be happier and Aziraphale knows that. Crowley must have known that. What would they be doing? Watching poor Jesus being paraded by Sandalphon, being forced to judge people on some random, arbitrary measures made up by Archangels who have no idea how Earth and humanity even work? Wait until Universe and Time is destroyed and only eternity remains? Crowley was depressed because the show decided that the universe is not worth saving, can't be changed and should be destroyed.

And I disagree with this Crowley and that ending.

The Crowley I know would have gone to help Aziraphale somehow. Like when he drove to Tadfield in a burning car after Aziraphale got accidentally discorporated and like he did when he realised missing Gabriel was not random and meant trouble.

Crowley knew Second Coming was on the cards and what it meant. He wouldn't have been blind drunk in an alley for years knowing Aziraphale is on his own, with all the awful Archangels who hate him and who tried to kill him in Heaven. He would have found a way.

They should have found Jesus and brought him along to argue with Mother and fool her at her card trick. They should have brought along some humans who would look at them like they are crazy for suggesting to not bringing the universe back and fight for it. Mrs Sandwich should have unloaded that speech at god and not the angel who tried so hard to hold it all together.

They should have kissed against the bookshelf while Jesus and Adam decided to get rid of the sides once and for all, cross out what was written and let the universe run for as long as it felt like it.

Depression is a bitch and can come on for all kinds of reasons and non reasons alike. But that's not what the story has done. It is a plot device. They made Crowley miserable because it served the ending they wanted. Because it served ruining the love story and story of hope that Aziraphale held onto for so long. That we all believed in.