Recap: Lucifer and his Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Relationship
So, someone asked me for a recap of the series and that is fair! Because it is sooooo long and so much is happening! But as it turns out, it's longer than I even I remembered, so I'm gonna have to break this up into sections. I'll add the next one when I have time.
From Marked as Present (Ch.1) to Nitwittery By The Seat Of One’s Pants
Our socially anxious Lucifer has been at the hotel for about two months and is trying to assist Charlie with the hotel. He and Alastor have been secretly hate fucking since about week after he came to the hotel.
On a shopping trip with Charlie, Alastor buys Lucifer a skeleton duck toy. They are both perturbed by this gesture and decide to avoid any icky emotions and go fuck about it. Lucifer realizes that Alastor’s goal in sex is not to orgasm and they both come to an agreement that they will each enjoy sex the way they prefer. Alastor stays the night and has a nightmare wherein he shreds the canopy of the bed. He offers Lucifer a blowjob as compensation and it comes out that while Lucifer has ‘both sets of equipment’, he is uncomfortable using his vagina.
The next day Lucifer is sketching in the parlor while Alastor and Husk leave the hotel on an unspecified errand that is interrupted by Alastor destroying Evil Donuts. It is revealed by Husk when they return it’s because one of the patrons was discussing his rape fantasies of Charlie, which per Lucifer is an approved destruction event. Charlie nearly walks in on Lucifer and Alastor in a compromising position, they are saved by Alastor’s shadow. The real reason for Alastor and Husk’s outing is not revealed.
Alastor is acting strangely at dinner and admits to Lucifer later than he can’t stand to be touched right now. ‘Every touch feels like sandpaper, I can barely stand the feel of my clothes. It makes me want to claw off my own skin.’ Lucifer offers for him to stay the night without sex being involved. Instead, they have sex where Alastor is the only one doing the touching. Alastor stays the night again.
The next morning, Lucifer gets to finally fondle Alastor’s tail and it comes up in conversation that Alastor does not want to discuss previous relationships, and Alastor taunts Lucifer into losing his temper by bringing up Lilith. Charlie nearly walks in on them, Alastor flees just in time. Charlie tells her father he doesn’t need to keep pushing himself too hard trying to help and that what he’s doing right now is enough. Lucifer goes downstairs for coffee and it comes out that Alastor’s brew is particularly tasty. Lucifer and Angel go out for donuts and have a little bonding time, and when they return, Alastor taunts Lucifer by teasing him about Charlie, and his irritation from earlier coupled with this new taunt has him dragging Alastor to a closet where hatefucking is interrupted by the new knowledge that Alastor does not like being spanked, to the point he nearly panics. Lucifer stops immediately and comforts him, though Alastor is confused by the turn of events. It comes out that Niffty is aware they have been having sex but Alastor trusts her discretion. He refuses to tell Lucifer how he and Niffty met but accepts the gift of a meat donut.
While Lucifer is reading the paper in the bar, he notices a sheep demon sitting quietly. Husk takes the opportunity to talk to Lucifer, revealing that he also knows about him and Alastor and warns Lucifer that Alastor has his own sense of morality and fairness, but he twists it to suit his own purposes and can’t be trusted. He brings Lucifer a glass of expensive apple brandy and says it was a gift but does not confirm it’s from Alastor.
That night, Lucifer has dinner with Charlie and Vaggie, (takeout as it has been established neither of them can cook) where Charlie expresses concern for how Alastor has been acting lately. He’s been going into the city more often on errands that he does not reveal. When Lucifer returns to his own room, Alastor is there in pajamas and after some arguing, Alastor admits that he likes watching Lucifer’s expression when they have sex. Alastor has an orgasm for once and seems shaken by the experience. In the aftermath, he asks Lucifer why he avoids penetration and Lucifer avoids answering. Alastor comments that he has no fears of Lucifer hurting him during sex; for example he would ‘never wait until I was caught up in the act to try slipping an angelic knife between my ribs’.
The next morning, they get into an argument when Lucifer offers to help Alastor with a landscaping project for Charlie and Alastor takes offense, accusing Lucifer of trying to take over his role at the hotel. He insults the hotel in the process and Lucifer slaps him, telling him not to talk about Charlie that way. Instead, Alastor is visibly intrigued by the slap and pouts when Lucifer refuses to do it again. He’s about to leave when Lucifer tells him that he wasn’t trying to steal tasks from him, he just wanted to spend time with Alastor, who can’t seem to grasp that Lucifer doesn’t want something from him in exchange, sex or other favors. He seems to be about to hesitantly invite Lucifer to come along when a knock on the door interrupts them. It’s Charlie, bringing Lucifer a cup of terrible coffee and taking him up on his offer to see his sketchbook.
They stop for real (Alastor’s) coffee and he is showing Charlie his duck sketches when she comes across one he made of Alastor that is innocent, and yet uncomfortably revealing of his emotions. Angel interrupts before Charlie can ask about it to tell them they have a guest.
Their mystery guest is Rosie, who stopped by to visit, and seeing how familiar she is with Alastor makes Lucifer decide he hates her. Alastor discreetly teases him about his jealousy, confirms that he and Rosie are only friends. Rosie manages to have a private chat with Lucifer where she reveals she’s aware of Alastor and Lucifer’s relationship as well. She says that Husk doesn’t have the entire scoop on Alastor and that she’s never seen him look at anyone else the way he does Lucifer when he isn’t watching. Lucifer asks who Alastor’s previous relationship was with and she doesn’t tell him, only stating it was an ugly business.
Lucifer goes outside to see Alastor and finds the garden he made, but not the man himself. Niffty tells him Alastor went back into the city. That night, Lucifer sits up waiting for him but Alastor does not return. He falls asleep waiting. When he wakes up, Alastor is sleeping in the bed with him, on top of the blankets and still fully dressed. He refuses to tell Lucifer where he was the night before, only that it doesn’t concern him or the hotel. Alastor poses the question of whether Lucifer would suck him off if he asks, Lucifer is eager to get started but Alastor puts him off, stating later. He leaves and Lucifer heads downstairs.
Lucifer is waylaid on his way to coffee by Husk and Angel at the bar. Alastor joins him, bringing along the remaining Egg Boi Frank-or-Hank, instructing him to assist Husk. He brings Lucifer coffee and in the course of the conversation Angel gives Alastor a slap on the back. His reaction is not a good one, he’s somehow hurt, and when Lucifer catches him before he can leave, it comes out that he has a deal that he can’t tell Lucifer about. There’s nothing Lucifer can do about it, even he can’t break a legitimately made deal.
Alastor leaves and Lucifer goes back to the bar where Husk reveals he is aware of the deal but all he can tell Lucifer is that it wasn’t for Alastor’s soul. After spending some time getting drunk with Angel and Husk, that night Lucifer returns to his room and demands to see what is wrong with Alastor. He agrees and reveals his back where he has been badly whipped, injuries that Lucifer is unable to heal. Alastor claims it’s not a big deal, that they are already healing, and is very upset when Lucifer cries over him. He flees, only to return later than night and they silently hold each other.
The next day, Alastor leaves again without revealing where he is going, and Lucifer comes up with a plan to spy on Alastor so he can try to figure out who is dealholder is. He and Charlie travel to the palace, which is locked up and empty since Lucifer left. He and Charlie converse over their relationship, and Charlie brings up that she only wants her father to be happy and she’d be all right if he starts dating again. Lucifer retrieves some of his tools and also a crystal ball from his Closet of Cursed Items. They attempt to spy on Alastor, but he notices them immediately and the crystal ball explodes.
They return to the hotel and while Lucifer waits for Alastor to return, he makes him a gift. Alastor scolds him for trying to spy, tells him that he needs to stay out of it unless he is trying to get Alastor killed, but admits that he doesn’t blame Lucifer for using the tools he has on hand. Lucifer gives Alastor a case that he designed and made for his monocle. Alastor tells Lucifer that he is dizzy for him.
The next day, Lucifer is turning rooms with Niffty when Alastor’s shadow seeks him out and takes him to Alastor, who is hiding in their room having been accidently dosed with a low grade aphrodisiac. He’s unable to relieve himself and accepts Lucifer’s assistance.
That night is the staff game night. Charlie mentions she has an interview tomorrow to record an advert about the hotel with the local television station, Lucifer volunteers to assist. After some unsuccessful board games, Angel announces after learning Lucifer can’t get properly drunk, he found a drink that should work on him, a Kinky Gargle Tickler. Lucifer is about to refuse to drunk it, but Alastor offers him a wager. If he and Charlie drink it and it works, they will make dinner for everyone for the next week. If it doesn’t work, Alastor will bring them coffee in bed. Lucifer agrees and it turns out that it does work. Charlie has already been ushered to bed by Vaggie and he spends a drunken night watching Alastor beat Husk and Angel at Uno, flirting outrageously with Alastor until he reveals Alastor is wearing Lucifer’s underwear and Alastor announces they are leaving and carries Lucifer to their room. On the trip, Lucifer admits that he was the one who was pregnant with Charlie, something that Alastor seems to find upsetting. He refuses to take advantage of Lucifer while he is inebriated, stating he is a certain kind of monster but never a rapist. Before they fall asleep, Alastor asks to see Lucifer’s wings and Lucifer hedges but does not answer.
The next morning, Lucifer is hung over and grumpy, and kicks Alastor out of their room for being pissy about it. He realizes after Alastor leaves that he was the one who carried him to bed and decides to apologize later. He, an equally hungover Charlie, and Vaggie meet with the TV crew and meet Phil, who waits until they are nearly finished to give Lucifer a stack of pictures of him and Alastor looking suspiciously cozy together, and accuses him of sleeping with Alastor. Lucifer tries to bypass the question, but Vox takes over Phil and tells him, “I don't like to talk about it, either. Must be so disappointing for you the way he lays there like a corpse when you fuck him.” Thus revealing himself to be Alastor’s previous relationship.
Lucifer defends Alastor’s sexual prowess to the entire Pride ring, in front of Charlie, and threatens Phil/Vox, who flees. He has a panic attack when he realizes what he’s done and Vaggie retrieves Alastor to help him. Once Alastor calms him down, he admits to having experience helping Niffty with panic attacks. He’s forced to leave again. Lucifer talks with Charlie and she confesses she’s known about him and Alastor all along but was trying to give him the chance to tell her himself. Charlie only wants her father to be happy and if Alastor isn’t what she would have chosen for him, she accepts it. That night Lucifer realizes he’s forgotten to tell Alastor what prompted his panic attack. He goes to sleep off more of his hangover.
When he wakes up, Alastor has returned and is treating Lucifer to the sight of a bow on his tail, as Lucifer drunkenly requested the night before. Lucifer confesses that Charlie knows about them and Alastor admits he knew all along that Charlie was aware, that she’d asked him not to say anything and he agreed for the entertainment value, and that she’d threatened him if he hurt Lucifer. He also tells Alastor about Vox’s minion bringing the photographs and him accidently telling all of Hell that Alastor is excellent in bed. Alastor brings up asking to see Lucifer’s wings and Lucifer again declines to answer, asking for time to think about it and admitting he’s never allowed anyone to mess with his wings, including Lilith. Alastor allows it and brings out the Chinese takeout he brought them for dinner, with Lucifer’s favorite vegetarian option. They have a conversation about Alastor’s human days as a radio host.
After sex, Lucifer leaves Alastor sleeping and goes downstairs for a drink, spending time chatting with Husk and Angel. When he returns to their room, he finds Alastor in the throes of a nightmare. With his shadow’s encouragement, he sings a song from My Fair Lady to Alastor to calm him until he wakes up and grabs hold of him, confirming he is real before demanding sex. He’s gone in the morning when Lucifer wakes, but leaves his prizes from the Uno game and a note reminding Lucifer of his lost wager. Lucifer takes a couple jolly rancher candies and the fishnet stockings from the prizes, and then sketches Alastor as he looked the night before reading a magazine with a bow on his tail.
He's interrupted by Charlie who comes to tell him that Phil has come to stay at the hotel. She’s excited, Lucifer less so. Charlie brings up Lucifer possibly teaching an art therapy class, which he says he will consider.
He spends the day working in the hotel and when he goes to the kitchen last night to work with Charlie on dinner #1, he discovers she’s a much worse cook than he thought. Alastor interrupts them and when he asks what they are making, Charlie tells him a local recipe from his home when he was a human, étouffée. He seems as if he will be angry at first, but he calms, and he and Charlie make the dish while Lucifer watches them and lets go of some of his jealousy over Alastor spending time with Charlie, realizing he enjoys watching them getting along. He kisses Alastor in front of Charlie, shocking him.
While dinner is simmering, Alastor asks Charlie to bring the photos Vox’s minion left. She does, and Alastor discovers a listening device hidden in one. He allows Charlie to keep the rest, including one of Lucifer and Alastor she’d framed.
At dinner, Alastor and Lucifer flirt awkwardly, horrifying some of the hotel staff and charming others. Lucifer is cleaning up when Alastor approaches him and asks again about seeing his wings. He offers to make a deal with Lucifer promising not to hurt him while his wings are out and Lucifer realizes he trusts Alastor and doesn’t need a deal. They go upstairs and Lucifer allows Alastor to see and then touch his wings, not realizing how sensitive he is. The pleasure is enough that he blacks out and wakes to Alastor holding him and thanking him. He offers to take Alastor flying sometime and it becomes obvious that Alastor has a fear of heights.
Lucifer washes up and when he comes back out, he picks up a few feathers that came loose during the event. He asks Alastor if he took any feathers and is dismissed.
The next morning, Lucifer realizes that Alastor has a badly bruised face. Alastor admits that he left while Lucifer was sleeping and hadn’t realized the injury was so visible. Lucifer is unable to heal the bruises, confirming that whoever did it is keeping anyone from speeding the healing process, forcing Alastor to heal at a normal rate. Charlie sees the bruises and reacts poorly, noting that she is aware of Alastor’s extracurricular activities even if she is unaware of what he is doing or why. Lucifer covers the bruise with a glamour and Alastor does a radio show where he interviews an unexpected guest, the sheep demon who Lucifer saw earlier, whose name is Lanolyn.
During the show, Lanolyn stubbornly insists on thanking Alastor for saving her the previous year, until Alastor cuts to commercial. When the show returns, Lanolyn is audibly crying and states the hotel is a wonderful place to stay before the show ends.
Lucifer goes up to the radio tower to intervene but comes across Lanolyn leaving the booth. Her attitude has changed entirely, she’s very cool towards Lucifer and after expressing loyalty to Alastor and a belief in the hotel, she leaves.
Lucifer joins Alastor in the recording booth where he gives him the nickname Coffee Bean, and after some discussion where Alastor refuses to say where he was for seven years and expresses frustration and Lucifer trying to interfere with his business, he finally allows Lucifer to suck him off for the first time. Afterward, he pranks Lucifer into thinking he was broadcasting during it, and while Lucifer is looking at his wedding ring, contemplating removing it, Alastor abruptly leaves via shadow teleportation.
Almost immediately afterward, Lucifer gets a text demanding he go downstairs. He does, and finds the lobby a mess of blood and guts from a sinner who’d been harassing Niffty. Alastor took her away to calm her down and Lucifer volunteers to check on them, then admits he doesn’t know which room is Alastor’s. He finds it with a little help from KeeKee and sees Alastor’s bayou for the first time, but they aren’t there. He finally realizes that the safest place Alastor could take Niffty would be their room.
Niffty is sleeping when Lucifer arrives and Alastor scorns his suggestion that he cares for her, insisting he is only protecting his assets. While they are resting, Lucifer hears a sound that he has come to associate with Alastor leaving, assuming it is a text message despite Alastor insisting he doesn’t own a phone. He agrees to stay with Niffty until she wakes.
When Niffty wakes, she is dismayed that Alastor is gone and states he went to see the ‘bad man’. He goes downstairs and sees Lanolyn talking to Charlie, who refuses to tell him anything about the group therapy sessions but asks him to spend time with Husk folding brochures for the hotel. While they are working, Phil, our Philly Cheesesteak comes to the room and brings Lucifer a VHS tape, asking for his forgiveness in advance. Husk cautions Lucifer not to watch it, then stays with him when he is determined to see what is on it.
It's a sex tape of Alastor and Vox, and while Lucifer is watching, he sees that Alastor seems to be completely dissociated, to the point he does not react when Vox slaps him on the ass hard enough to leave a mark or when he says, "Relax doesn’t mean play dead, you moron. Move a little, willya?"
Husk turns off the tape before they can see more and stops Lucifer from going after Vox, pointing out that this was years ago and they do not know the context of the video. Even if it was exactly as it seemed, Alastor would not appreciate him interfering. He also points out that Vox has nothing to gain from sharing this video, so the real question is, who sent it? Husk offers to investigate, Lucifer agrees, and destroys the tape.
Alastor returns and neither of them tell him about the tape. Lucifer realizes how Alastor acted in the closet when Lucifer slapped his ass might be related to Vox’s treatment of Alastor. He admits to Alastor to going into his room and seeing the bayou, Alastor doesn’t mind, and offers to give him a tour sometime. They are about to go help with dinner prep when Alastor gets another ping. He denies that he needs to leave and the two of them go to assist with dinner #2.
Alastor vetoes Charlie and Vaggie’s idea to make lasagna, citing lack of time and possible murder by Angel Dust. He suggests vegetable stir-fry, stating without context that it is one of Lucifer’s favorites. Vaggie and Alastor argue, with her stating Alastor is an intruder on Charlie and Lucifer, and Alastor leaves when Charlie and Lucifer come to his defense too late. Vaggie takes her arguments about Alastor to Lucifer and brings up his deal with Charlie, which Lucifer was unaware. Charlie tells Vaggie to go, and she and Lucifer discuss the deal, with her pointing out that Lucifer knows very little about dealmaking and that she has faith that he won’t use it to hurt her or anyone else. They end on good terms and Alastor does not come to dinner.
When Lucifer goes upstairs, he discovers Alastor drunk in the closet with his sketchbook. He takes the glamour off when Alastor demands it, but his face is mostly healed anyway. He asks Lucifer not to call him ‘Al’ as his mama used to call him that and Lucifer agrees to stick with ‘coffee bean’. Alastor states he went to see Rosie and got drunk there, and despite his flirting, Lucifer refuses to take advantage of his inebriated state, the same as Alastor did with him. As Alastor is falling asleep, he tells Lucifer unhappily that he won’t get to keep him, and passes out before Lucifer can ask what he means.
The next day, Alastor takes Lucifer to his bayou. They are having fun, with Lucifer swimming around as a snake, until he asks Alastor to go down on him. His dysphoria overwhelms him and he nearly has a panic attack. Alastor refuses to continue when he realizes how upset Lucifer is, explaining that it’s not important to him that Lucifer do anything he isn’t comfortable with and that he has no interest in topping, especially considering most of the time he wouldn’t be capable. Lucifer agrees that he won’t try to force himself into anything sexual and they both agree to leave their relationship unnamed for the time being. Alastor advises Lucifer he can go to the bayou any time, just to make sure he doesn’t wander from the path or open any portals as that might introduce instability.
While Alastor is showering, Lucifer goes downstairs to get coffee, only to be sidelined by Husk, who says he spoke to Phil about the tape but wasn’t able to determine where he got the tape except that it wasn’t from Vox. They are interrupted by Alastor, who was using his shadow to spy on them as he suspected something was wrong from the way Lucifer was acting. Lucifer confesses to watching the tape, but Alastor is more worried about him being upset over it than what the tape contained. He tells Lucifer the only way he and his pajamas will be leaving the hotel is if Lucifer sends him away.
End Recap Part 1
