#keep words

[sullenload]

i love you. i love you and the way your mouth curls up when you won’t admit i’m funny. you hate smiling with all of your teeth, but when i see it, my body melts into the shape of waking up next to you on a sunny morning.

you kept me afloat and didn't even let me know you were drowning. it still hurts knowing how well you hid it but i guess it’s too late now.

what do i do with this? what do i do with this emptiness that has an underlying scent of your clothes?

my ribs crack every time i pass you and take in that loving scent. one that feels like holding me when i’m at my worst.

i’m sorry. i’m sorry you had to feel like you were at the bottom of the ladder, having to feel like you need to help everyone else up and by the time it’s your turn, you’re already back on the ground trying to catch your breath.

i’m sorry you didn’t feel like i could be there for you. and maybe that’s my fault.

[sullenload]

if you are the sun, then i am your moon; being lit up by your astonishing light.

if you are the rain, then i am the grass you grow, my love.

i am the object you cast shadows with, my star.

if there is no rain, then there must be no clouds, my belovèd.

what is a planet without its star?

what are trees without water, and what are leaves without their tree?

if you are a goddess, then i will pray at your altar, majesty.

if you are Goddess then i am Woman.

i pray to the unholy about you.

sullenload, on my pillow

[sullenload]

cant you see i’m not worth the saving? can you see i’m not worth the gesture?

save your breath, love, exhale to someone who deserves to breathe the same air as you. let me succumb to the thin up here. let my breathing be whisked away by who i will become in the next life.

i’m already looking down on myself and see what life i led and which one i will lead next. i hope they are better than what i’ve been. i hope they see who loves them. so they know it’s not time to go.

i wake up breathing deeply.

lights blinding.

heart pounding.

ears ringing.

the sound of chests creaking.

i inhale.

s.l.

[sullenload]

i will always be other people’s moon because i know everyone wants to be the sun. i will be the shadows they cast with their light. i will shine my reflection of white onto those who dance only under the night sky because they dare not to be seen under the glaring light of day.

sullenload 00:39