Jan 28, 2017
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The past doesn't matter anymore. The past doesn't hurt me anymore.
I can’t think about my past anymore and what traumatic events I’ve been through. I’ve let them define me for so long, I blame them for being so broken and damaged but it’s been me, who’s been holding onto them. Cause’ I feel like if I forget about it, then what happened to me feels justified. And i don’t want to be categorized as simple and I feel like if I let it go, then that’s who I become. The truth is I just want people to know what’s happened to me. Who I was when I was younger, the things that have shaped me. Maybe cause the people I use to tell would always just laugh it off or didn’t make it seem like a big deal. They belittled my feelings when they meant everything to me, my world burned and crashed because of it. That young girl suffered a lot and I kept it hidden so well, just to grow up to figure out she should’ve screamed her heart out. They called it strong but it only seems to me that they used that word to cover my pain up, like look how she holds herself up. Wow. When I should’ve been dealing with it all and processing it for what it was so 21 year old me shouldn’t be suffering the repercussions of it all. I was so innocent, so full of love and hope. I wanted to share that with the world, I wanted them to use me. I was everyone’s blanket. Set no boundaries for myself. And now I’m starting from scratch and my God, is it hard when you have jumbled up pieces from here and there, and you’re like fuck, idk what to keep, idk what to throw away. Does any of it matter? I have no idea who I am. What I stand for. I’m clinging on to old fragments of myself, telling myself, here this is important, take that one. But then it becomes forgotten and disappears and I’m back at square one. I really have no idea who I am and it’s like I’m waiting for people to tell me but as soon as they do, I’m like no, that’s wrong. I feel like there’s no winning here cause I’m stuck. Who knew not being okay would last this long? But I guess that good things take time, Rome wasn’t built in a day. And if I want to stand for something, I need to be patient with myself. I just wish younger me could’ve asked for help, I shouldn’t have been through or felt what I did. No kid should.
Thank you for coming into my life and caring for me as much as you do. 🖤
Do you ever get tired of the world? Life is exhausting.
When you want to socialize but you just want to be alone too and not talk to anyone.