#kenji okamoto

[sapphire-writes-stuff]

Journal Entry #50 (part two)

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__________

Victor

I was still trying to process the exchange that'd taken place between Yuri and his father as we made our journey to the hospital in the valley. Not even gonna lie, I was shocked that Mr. Okamoto was the one to say 'I love you'. Not that I wouldn't have been just as shocked to hear Yuri say it, but never in a million years would I have expected Mr. Okamoto to say it first, and in front of other people, no less.

The most remarkable thing wasn't even the fact of him saying it. The change I noticed in Yuri afterwards was almost immediate, and that's what really blew my mind. It was as if he relaxed completely. Like, not just in the way you'd let all the tension ease out of your muscles when you first get into bed at night, but more like an emotional relaxation. It's hard to describe, but it was as if he'd let go of something inside, something he'd been holding onto really tightly for a very long time.

While Mrs. Okamoto helped me with my clothes, I distracted myself from the embarrassment of it by trying to watch Yuri and his father instead. Mr. Okamoto sat on the bed, and Yuri just sort of cuddled up to him. It was surreal because Yuri can't handle being touched by most people, much less does he deliberately seek out physical contact from anyone but me or his mother. His father was the absolute last person in the world that I would've imagined him looking for comfort from, yet there it was. For his part, Mr. Okamoto didn't try to hold Yuri, which was exactly the right response.

If you're out there thinking it's counter-intuitive not to hug someone who's physically leaning against you, trust me, it's not. You gotta ask yourself if you understand how that person is likely to react if you do try to hold them. I silently congratulated Mr. Okamoto for remembering that Yuri can usually only tolerate minimal physical contact, and that he likes to give and receive affection on his own terms.

Yuri murmured something to his father that sounded like it might've been a question. Mr. Okamoto answered with, "Of course I remember."

Then, to my utter surprise, my father-in-law began to sing.

I didn't know Mr. Okamoto could sing, and forgive me if this is an odd thing for me to say, but his voice is amazing. I was even further startled when I recognized the song; Yurikago no Uta. It's a lullaby, and I'd learned it from Yuki, who told me it was her favourite. Hearing Mr. Okamoto sing, it quickly became obvious to me not only who Yuki had learned the song from, but from whom she'd inherited her vocal talent.

Mrs. Okamoto paused with my shirt in her hands, and her small yet audible intake of breath told me that she was reacting to her husband's singing as well. Her exhale came with a whisper of, "Kenji..."

Several seconds passed, in which I thought she must be listening to the song. Then, the magic was lost for both of us when she pulled us back to reality with a light tap on my fingers. "Victor, we've got to finish getting you ready. Can you lift your arms?"

I did, and she slipped my t-shirt and sweater onto me so efficiently that I have to confess I was kind of envious of her skill. Then again, after having raised three kids, she's had lots more practice dressing other people than I've had so far.

Apparently thinking that I'm as image-conscious as her son, or that I'd even care about my appearance at a time like that, the next thing she did was grab Yuri's brush off the dresser and give my hair a once-over. My hair isn't the most cooperative, which I guess she figured out. After murmuring something that sounded like, "That'll have to do," she added in a more normal tone that we were ready to be off.

On the way down the mountain, I sat in the back seat with Yuri. He was lying stretched across most of the bench seat with his head in my lap. Mr. Okamoto was driving, and Mrs. Okamoto was up front with him.

Yuri kept trying to talk to me during the first part of the ride, but he continually forgot what he wanted to say mid-sentence. I could tell he was frustrated, and he kept mumbling, "You know what I mean."

"I don't know, love. I can't read your mind," I said.

"The thing," he said."Yesterday...? I don't know. I told you."

"You mean the papers in the folder? You told me to give those to your dad, and I did. Is that what you mean?"

"No!" he said, clearly annoyed. "Told you... I don't wanna go."

To the hospital, I realized, astounded that he still wanted to argue about that, as ill as he was. He hates the hospital, but it baffled me as to how he wouldn't acknowledge that he needed to be there.

"I know you don't want to," I said "But you have to."

"Never gonna forgive you," he muttered.

I had to smile a little, regardless of the situation. He probably thought he sounded angry and tough, but really he just came off like a little kid who's mad about being told it's bedtime. I resisted telling him how cute he was because it really didn't seem like an appropriate time or place. "Try to rest," I encouraged him. "We'll have plenty of time to talk about it when you're feeling better, okay?"

"Not speaking to you."

"I think you will, once you get some help and you start feeling like yourself again," I said.

I could tell he wasn't pleased, and he uttered something that I'm actually glad I couldn't understand, but he seemed to grasp the futility of attempting to have any further conversation at that point. I ran my fingertips through his hair and generally did my best to keep him as calm as possible for the remainder of the drive.

I was grateful when we reached our destination. If anyone had asked me a few days ago, I wouldn't have imagined I'd be coming back to the Matsumori Valley Medical Center this soon and I definitely wouldn't have said I'd be glad to be there, but given the circumstances, this was the best possible place to be.

Before we'd left the house, I was struck by the brilliant idea that we should use the wheelchair Yuri and I had originally brought home for me. I didn't need it any more, and we had to return it to the hospital anyway. I figured it'd be a a lot easier for Yuri than having to walk, and definitely a lot better for Mr. Okamoto than trying to carry him. As it turned out, the wheelchair proved extremely useful because even at that hour of the morning, Mr. Okamoto couldn't find a parking space that was close to the building and it would've been next to impossible for Yuri to make it that far on foot even with his parents helping him.

Mrs. Okamoto pushed Yuri in the wheelchair and Mr. Okamoto guided me. I think I would've preferred my mother-in-law helping me, but I was afraid that if I happened to stumble or slip on a patch of ice or snow on the parking lot while she was holding onto me, I might accidentally hurt her. She's even more tiny than Yuri, and the idea of inadvertently pulling her down with me if I fell was one I didn't want to contemplate.

The person at the registration desk seemed slightly confused when the four of us approached. They were probably wondering if it was Yuri or me who needed attention.

Things got a little weird when Mr. Okamoto, who'd initially been doing the talking, couldn't tell the woman much of anything about Yuri's medical history and had to defer to me. Fortunately, I know practically every detail of Yuri's health situation. It probably bordered on information overload, and I could hear the woman typing quickly as I talked, but I assured myself that whoever ended up looking after him would know exactly what they were dealing with. The registration lady seemed surprised, whether because of my fluency in Japanese or my intimate familiarity with Yuri's medical history, or something else entirely, I couldn't tell.

Once Yuri was checked in, the registration lady said we could all take a seat in the patient waiting area. She assured us that it wouldn't be too long of a wait, as she'd assessed Yuri as a priority two patient, meaning that he wasn't unconscious or in imminent danger of dying but that he couldn't sit around for hours without evaluation and treatment either.

I'd recently discovered that when Takeshi and his colleague had brought me to the emergency department, I was a priority one patient because I had a head injury and had been unconscious for at least part of the trip there. Without the head injury, I probably would've laid on a stretcher for hours, suffering the agony of my broken arms and rib without the benefit of any painkillers stronger than ibuprofen. Not that I'm glad I got a head injury, but if it meant I was seen by a doctor immediately on arrival, far be it from me to complain. I mean, I'd rather not have been injured at all, but you get the idea.

We settled in for the wait on two small sofas that faced each other, with me and Mrs. Okamoto on one and Mr. Okamoto on the other. Yuri stayed in the wheelchair, which Mr. Okamoto positioned next to the couch he was on. I'm pretty sure he was holding Yuri's hand for at least part of the time.

I can’t say exactly how long we waited, but I feel like it might've been twenty minutes at most. We all would've preferred it to be faster, but all things considered, it could've been a whole lot worse.

A care assistant, or possibly a nurse, in light purple scrubs came out from a set of double doors to collect Yuri. I couldn't see her ID badge, so I didn't know her name or what exactly her job was. She informed us that the doctor on call in the emergency department at the moment was Dr. Shibazaki. She'd be examining Yuri and deciding whether or not he should be admitted, and she'd also advise Yuri's specialist that he was here.

A small debate ensued among me and Yuri's parents as to which of us would go with him to be seen by the doctor, as the nurse told us only one was allowed. I really wanted to be with him, but we quickly decided that it should be Mr. Okamoto who went along, since Yuri had a death grip on his sleeve and refused to let go.

Yuri was still grasping his father's sweater as the nurse positioned herself behind the wheelchair. Mr. Okamoto hurried alongside as they started toward the big set of double doors that led out of the patient waiting area and into the examination and treatment area.

Mrs. Okamoto and I sat in slightly awkward and uncomfortable silence for several minutes after that. I wanted to say something, mostly so I wouldn't be focused on the jumble of noises and activities going on around me, but I couldn't think of anything that wouldn't sound stupid.

I fidgeted and wished I had my rings, especially my promise ring, the heavy gold one that Yuri had given me when we were still living on opposite sides of the world. Ever since the day I received it and put it on, I'd developed the habit of holding it between the index finger and thumb of my other hand and rotating it on my finger. As ridiculous as it sounds, I'd lie in bed at night and slowly turn it, comforted by the thought that I was touching something Yuri had touched. Somehow, that made ten thousand kilometres seem a less impossible distance.

Not being able to use my thumbs properly, I probably couldn't have turned my ring while sitting there in the hospital, but at least I could've touched it. That would've helped me feel less lonely and scared while waiting.

This isn't the first time Yuri and I have been through something like this, but it doesn't get any easier with experience. In fact, this time has felt more difficult to me than usual because I haven't been able to do things for him that I know would make him more comfortable. I can't even do the simplest thing like holding his hand, with both of my own in casts.

I hate having to rely on other people for so much, especially when it comes to my responsibilities. It's upsetting and frustrating, and it makes me feel useless and weak. Everyone's been awesome, doing everything I could possibly imagine for Yuri and me since my accident, and I'm thankful, but being this dependent is already getting old.

I imagined how our situation would be different if I'd been able to take care of Yuri myself. We probably never would've gotten to this point, because he wouldn't have been running himself into the ground trying to look after me, and I would have insisted he see a doctor at least a week ago.

I dug one of my fingernails into the skin of my ring finger on the other hand. Yuri had trimmed and filed my nails on Friday evening, telling me when I complained that I should pretend I was at the spa, getting a manicure. Until he became too ill, he'd been doing all sorts of things like that; brushing my teeth, shaving me, washing my hair and... well, let's just say a lot more intimate personal stuff. All the things I do for him when he's really sick, that I should be able to do for him now but can't.

I pressed harder with my fingernail until it hurt and I felt tears start to sting in my eyes. Most of this trouble could've been avoided if I hadn't been so dumb and reckless, trying to prove a point that never needed to be proved in the first place. Yuri was right on the morning of the competition when he said I was being immature. He acknowledged that I had every right to be upset about him not being able to come and watch me compete, but if I'd paid attention to what he was saying and had taken two seconds to think, maybe I wouldn't have stayed angry. Maybe I wouldn't have made the one stupid choice that had set off this whole awful chain of events.

I'm sorry, Yuri. Neither one of us would be here right now if I'd listened to you. That's what I wanted to tell him. I wanted both my arms working so I could hold him, and I wanted to be able to see every detail of his sweet face.

I closed my eyes and took some deep breaths, and did my best to convince myself to settle down. I'm not the greatest at self-soothing, unfortunately. Plus, it didn't help that all I could think was that Yuri would know exactly what to do if he was with me. He always knows how to calm me.

Mrs. Okamoto must've realized I was struggling because she reached across the space between us and laid her hand on top of mine. "Everything's going to be all right," she said.

"I hope so."

"We've been down this path before. I know this is difficult for you, but you're not alone. It'll take a little time for everything to improve, but Yuri will be fine and so will you."

She lifted her hand again so that she could pull something from her bag. It turned out to be tissues, which she used to dry the tears that were running down my face. She was just as gentle and careful as Yuri would've been

"Thank you," I managed.

"Think nothing of it," she said. "I'm sure you've done the same for Yuri, and more besides. It's only right that someone should take care of you when you need it."

I don't know if I actually expected that level of kindness from her, nad naturally, that triggered a new round of tears. Mrs. Okamoto laughed, but not unkindly. "My goodness, Victor. Hasn't anyone ever looked after you like this before?"

"Only my mom," I said. "And... and Yuri." Just saying his name made a lump form in my throat. "I just want him to be better. I want everything to go back to the way it was, 'cause this... this is scary and frustrating."

"I know," she acknowledged. "It's scary for us as well, but everything will be all right."

"Thank you," I said again, because I couldn't think of anything else.

We were quiet for several more seconds, and then Mrs. Okamoto offered something as a change of subject.

"Kenji and I looked at the documents."

I didn't know how I was supposed to reply to that, and without even thinking, I blurted, "Mom and I read them too. I'm sorry. Yuri asked me to give them to Mr. Okamoto, but I didn't really want to before I knew what they were about. I know I shouldn't have asked my mom to read them to me, but I guess I was kinda worried, and—"

"Victor," Mrs. Okamoto interrupted me gently. "It's fine. Honestly, I'd have been surprised if you hadn't wanted to know, and I'm sure Yuri would have told you anyway if he'd been able to."

"I don't know if Yuri even read everything in there," I told her. "I'm sure he read enough to know it was important, but maybe not enough to get the whole story."

"The whole story," she echoed. "It is quite the story. I'll fill Yuri in when he's well enough, or you can tell him."

"I think you should. This is a family thing."

"You're our family."

I smiled thinly. "Maybe you think so."

"Kenji thinks so as well," she said. "This past weekend has been somewhat of a revelation for him. He's starting to understand the importance you and Yuri have in each other's lives, and I think he realizes what a disservice he's done to both of you."

"I'd like to hear him say that," I said.

"Perhaps you will," she said. Then she asked, "Did you know any of what was happening before you and Grace read the documents?"

"No," I said. "Not to be rude or anything, but Yuri and I don't have any interest in talking to Hana and Ren or knowing anything about their lives. If we had our way, we'd never want to see them again. I mean, she stole the key to our house and she literally threatened Yuri, not to mention what Ren did to me back in the fall. So... yeah. We avoid Ren and Hana."

"Pardon me? She did what?"

"She broke into our house on Saturday morning," I said. "She was still there when Yuri got home."

"And she threatened him?"

"That's what he said," I confirmed. "Me and Yuri slept in separate beds on Saturday night, but he came downstairs to cuddle with me before bedtime and he told me all about his confrontation with Hana. He said she told him she wanted to get rid of him. She also apparently tricked Koichi into taking the key from Mr. Okamoto's desk. Or maybe coerced him would be a better word. That's how we got the folder. Hana left it there accidentally, 'cause Yuri made her leave before she could gather up all her stuff."

"Oh," was all my mother-in-law said.

"I was home alone when she showed up," I said. "Yuri was picking up my mom and Julian at the airport."

"Yuri was driving on Saturday?"

"Yeah," I said. "Anyway, when he's better, you should ask him to tell you exactly what Hana said to him. He thinks Hana's trying to get Koichi fired, or worse."

"I doubt Kenji would fire Koichi," Mrs. Okamoto said. "We sometimes joke that he's Kenji's other son. I don't think either of them could cope without the other."

There was so much I could've offered in response to that, not the least of which was to question why Mr. Okamoto had been able to form that kind of bond with Koichi and not with Yuri. I decided not to go there, though. It wouldn't serve any purpose, and Mrs. Okamoto likely didn't have an answer in any case.

I ventured, "Why'd you want to know if Yuri and I knew anything before we saw what was in the folder?"

"Curiosity as to what you'd say, I suppose," she admitted. "I should've guessed you didn't know anything. Yuri would've already told me if you did."

"Would you have come home sooner if you knew?"

She sighed. "I should've come home sooner anyway. Kenji practically begged me to come home for Christmas, and I refused because... I suppose because I was still holding onto my anger over what I thought was happening before I left. What happened with Misaki, our housekeeper, I mean. I assume you know about that?"

"Yeah, but it's not true."

"I know," she said. "Misaki actually contacted me to explain everything and to apologize. It isn't good, but it wasn't anything at all like I'd feared."

"Is she really pregnant?"

"Yes," Mrs. Okamoto said. "It wasn't intentional, or even a careless mistake, according to her. She said a young man who came to our house forced himself on her. She didn't name him, but I can only think of two young men who regularly come to our house."

"Koichi and Ren," I said.

"I feel it's safe to say it was not Koichi," said my mother-in-law.

"I would've figured as much," I said. "What are you going to do?"

"About Misaki? There's really nothing Kenji and I can do. Kenji says he feels terrible for firing her, but we agree she's better off not coming back to our home. As for her child, that's unfortunately her responsibility now."

"And Ren's," I said. "You know, if he admits to it. Did Misaki talk to the police?"

"I don't know."

"She sh—" I began, but quickly stopped myself, remembering that Yuri hadn't gone to the police about Ren's abuse of him either. It's easy for me to say somebody should tell the authorities. No one has ever hurt me like that, and deciding what to do in a hypothetical situation is so much simpler than in real life. I pulled in a deep breath and silently counted to five as I exhaled. "Sorry. Uh... so, what about the stuff in the folder? Did you and Mr. Okamoto figure out what you're going to do about that?"

"We have," she said. "Kenji wants to take everything to the police, and I agree."

"It's illegal, isn't it? What Hana and Ren are doing."

"We don't have laws about that sort of thing in Japan, but it is illegal in many states in America. We'll leave it to law enforcement here to contact the American authorities, though. That's best done by them."

"And what about the other stuff? Hana stealing the judge's car and breaking into our house?"

"Hana stole a car?"

"Yeah," I said. "Along with some other valuable stuff, apparently."

"Perhaps you should come to the police station with us today as well."

I shook my head. "I'm not leaving Yuri. The cops can come and talk to me if they want. I'll be easy to enough to find."

"All right," she said. "You will speak to them, though?"

"Yes," I agreed. "I will. My mom already told me I should, after what happened on Saturday. I think she said the same thing to Yuri, but obviously this isn't a good time for him to do it."

"This isn't something that'll be resolved overnight. The police can wait until Yuri is well enough to share what he knows. Meanwhile, I'm certain they'll have enough to start with, after speaking with us."

"And the judge," I added. "Hopefully, he'll contact them too. Hana was living there, after all, so he and his wife probably know a lot of things we don't."

"I suspected she was living there. She refused to tell Kenji or me exactly where she was, and even the judge was being tight-lipped about it. He's good friends with Kenji's father, but from what I understood, he never mentioned anything to Akira about Hana living there either."

"Weird," I said. "Maybe the judge and his wife just didn't want to draw attention to the fact that their son moved back home with his pregnant girlfriend. Maybe they're not totally comfortable with that sort of thing."

"Perhaps not," Mrs. Okamoto conceded. "If you want to know the truth, Kenji and I aren't entirely comfortable with it either. We don't feel that Hana and Ren are in any way prepared to be parents."

"Maybe they realize that too, and that's why they're trying to get that American couple to take their baby," I suggested.

"Yes. That." She paused as if she were trying to compose herself. "I somehow doubt that's their true motivation. Regardless, those American people will not be taking my grandson. I don't care what needs to be done to prevent it. I'll do whatever is necessary to keep him here. With us."

"As in, with you and Mr. Okamoto?" I shouldn't have been shocked, but I'll admit I kinda was. Naturally, I expected her to care about her grandson, but I hadn't imagined that degree of vehemence.

"That's exactly what I meant," she said. "I love my daughter, but I don't trust her to be responsible for a baby. And Ren Kitagawa... I think you understand the harm he's capable of. He's already hurt our Yuri, and you, and possibly Misaki as well. If I have my way, he'll never spend a minute with my grandchild."

"At the rate he's going, you might not have to worry about it, 'cause he'll likely be in jail," I said. "What about Hana, though? Don't you think she'll have something to say about it?”

“Hana can say what she likes, but that doesn’t change the fact that she was evidently prepared to give her child to strangers in another country. She shouldn't have any moral objections to giving him to her father and me."

"I was thinking more about financial objections," I said. "Those American people were going to pay her some obscene amount of money."

"Obscene is the correct word," said Mrs. Okamoto. "If Hana really wishes to start a new life in America, that's entirely up to her, but she won't be immigrating with the baby. I won't object if she'd prefer to stay here and be a part of his life, but regardless of what she wants, Kenji and I intend to petition the court for an order for legal custody of him.”

“Really? You already decided that?”

I wondered when they would've had time to even talk about it. I'd given the folder full of papers to Mr. Okamoto mid-morning on Sunday, and Mrs. Okamoto had only just arrived on Monday afternoon. It was possible he'd read everything on Sunday and then called his wife to fill her in, or maybe they'd talked in the car on the way to our house from the airport. Whatever had taken place, they hadn't wasted any time coming up with a game plan.

“it wasn’t a difficult decision to make," Mrs. Okamoto said. "The welfare of a child is too important to leave in the hands of someone who hasn't been able to demonstrate she cares about anyone's welfare but her own, and I'm certainly not letting him go to foreigners who essentially offered to buy him."

"I totally get that," I said.

"We'll have to discuss it with Mr. and Mrs. Kitagawa," she went on. "If he really is their grandson as well, their rights are equal to ours. Although," she added, in a tone that suggested it'd be less a discussion than a declaration, "I think they can be convinced that it'd be in his best interests to stay with us. You know, my Kenji can be very persuasive."

And so can you, I thought but didn't say out loud. I wouldn't want to get into any kind of debate with my mother-in-law, that's for sure. As I probably mentioned before, Mrs. Okamoto can be scary, and I'm super glad she likes me because I definitely would not want to be on her bad side.

I also didn't fail to notice the way she referred to her husband as her Kenji. Yuri refers to me that way a lot — my Victor, which I absolutely love hearing — and it made sense that he would've picked up something like that from his own parents, but I'd never heard either of them use it for each other before. I concluded there must've been some dramatic shift in the state of their relationship recently. I think they both need it, and I figure having happier parents will be a benefit to Yuri and Yuki, and baby Okamoto too, when he arrives.

“So," I said. "A court order. Does that mean you’re like, legally adopting the baby? Like, he’s your grandson, but legally he’s your son?”

“Eventually, I think we’d adopt him and he'd become our son, yes,” she said. “We don’t intend to give him up in any case, and I think us being his legal parents might be the best way to protect him.”

It horrified me to think that a baby would need to be protected from his own parents, but at the same time, I accepted that Mrs. Okamoto wasn't wrong. With Ren and Hana as biological parents, this little boy is going to need all the protection he can get.

[bluestarsimming]

1st Term Grades Are In!

They all did great, but Soojin can't help but feel a little disappointed. Penelope can't be bothered to care lol

[videogamesdensetsu]

Burning Point / バーニングポイント (PC-88 - Enix - 1989) Graphic designers: Noriyuki Yokoki & Kenji Okamoto

[sapphire-writes-stuff]

Journal Entry #50 (part one)

previous // next // story index

__________

Victor

It's Tuesday.

People tend to think Tuesday is the most uninteresting day of the week 'cause nothing important ever seems to happen on Tuesdays, but that's not true for our household. Not today, at least. On this particular Tuesday, all hell broke loose around here.

Okay, to be more accurate, all hell started breaking loose yesterday afternoon when Mr. Okamoto came back from the airport with not only his wife but also his brother-in-law. Nobody had any idea Uncle Kaz was coming, not even Mr. Okamoto, and needless to say we were all shocked when he strolled through the door, larger than life.

Julian had what I can only describe as a fanboy moment when Mr. Okamoto introduced him and Uncle Kaz to each other. To his credit, Julian recovered his composure pretty quickly when he realized his celebrity man crush is really a regular guy and also just as much of a nerd as he is. Yuki, on the other hand, didn't calm down until it was almost time for bed. It was hard to say who she wanted to cling to more, her mother or her beloved uncle.

On a side note, at the suggestion of Uncle Kaz, Yuki has started addressing Julian as Uncle Julian instead of Dr. Britt. He's tickled pink over it.

Anyway, in case you weren’t aware, Uncle Kaz brings the party with him wherever he goes. In the midst of all the madness, a boys' night somehow got planned for when things settle down, so Mr. Okamoto, Julian and Uncle Kaz can further their newfound three-way bromance. It was implied that Yuri and I are not invited, which is actually fine with me. I'm not sure either of us could handle it.

Yesterday evening was chaotic. I was grateful that I'd been able to excuse myself from it for a while and spend some time alone, recording my journal entry. Usually, I don't mind lots of activity, but I'm still not feeling the best and the constant noise and motion all around me were getting to be too much. The house is a little quieter tonight, by virtue of the fact that Mom, Julian and I are the only ones here, so I'm taking the opportunity to rest and tell you how things have been unfolding since yesterday.

The latest development is that I'm able to go up and down stairs now if someone helps me. Since stairs are back in my repertoire, I decided I'd spend last night with Yuri in his room so Uncle Kaz could take my spot in the dining room.

Uncle Kaz made jokes about not being able to sleep in his own bedroom in his own house — Yuri's room, as it happens — but his humour was good natured and no one took it personally. I think he's happy to have his house so full. Meanwhile, Mrs. Okamoto claimed her spot in the laundry room with her husband and Yuki. I don't think this place was ever intended to accommodate eight people, but there we were.

I probably don't need to tell you that Yuri and I had a difficult night. He was in so much pain that no position was comfortable for him, and neither his parents nor I could do anything to ease his discomfort.

I managed to sleep a bit while his mother sat with him, but she woke me up when she was starting to fall asleep herself and said she needed to go to bed. Mr. Okamoto came in after that. He read to us, which I would've enjoyed if it hadn't been for the fact that I was too stressed to concentrate on it. I think he was reading out loud to distract himself more than to occupy us, but far be it from me to complain.

Toward dawn, Yuri started throwing up, whether from the infection or simply from the amount of pain he was in, I didn’t know.

It was traumatic, hovering uselessly by the bathroom door and hearing him cry for me between bouts of violent retching. There was nothing I wished for more in that moment than to have some magical power where I could hold him and make all his suffering go away. I wanted to be able to fix everything. Knowing I couldn't was like trying to rescue somebody I couldn't reach, just barely touching their hand and then having to watch them fall because I couldn't grab them and hang on.

"Yuri, Victor's there in the doorway," Mr. Okamoto tried to assure him for about the fourth or fifth time. "There isn't room in here for all of us, but I promise he hasn't left you. He's right there."

Yuri's reply was practically unintelligible, but I made out my name and that he was scared. I couldn't tell what he was saying he was scared about, but in his condition, he certainly had plenty of reasons.

"It's gonna be all right, Yuri," I said, hoping I sounded convincing. "Your dad's taking care of you, and I'm not going anywhere. When you're all done in here, we can go back to bed, okay?"

"Okay," was the barely audible reply.

However, Yuri and I didn't end up back in bed together. He was so weak from pain and fever and the effort of his stomach forcibly emptying itself that he actually passed out in his father's arms.

I'm not ashamed to say I lost any sense of composure I might've had at that point. I'd already pretty much reached the threshold at which I stopped taking no for an answer, but that sealed it for me. Yuri was going to the hospital, whether he wanted to or not. I'd never seen him faint before, and if I'm being completely honest, I was terrified. There was no way we could cope with this at home any longer.

Mr. Okamoto was in one hundred percent agreement with me about taking Yuri to the hospital. Like me, he'd been willing to let him stay home for a while, but the situation had escalated from serious to urgent, and nobody was interested in taking any more risks.

"We should call emergency services," I said. The way my voice was shaking might've embarrassed me under other circumstances, but just then I didn't really care what anyone might’ve thought of me.

Fortunately, Mr. Okamoto was the cool head we needed in the midst of our crisis. He addressed me in English, and it startled me enough to snap me out of my panic. "Victor, are you able to get dressed by yourself?"

"What?" I stammered.

I'll never get used to hearing my father-in-law speaking English. He sounds so unequivocally British that it's obvious he learned it in the UK, and it catches me by surprise every time. I don't know why it does, especially since Yuri's accent in English is that stereotypical posh British one too, but anyway... maybe it's because Mr. Okamoto doesn’t speak English to me very often, and in between times I sort of forget.

I took a breath and answered him before he had to repeat himself. "I, uh... I'm not sure if I can. Not completely. I might need some help."

"Very well," he said. "I'll help you. I'm not keen on waiting for emergency services to take their time finding their way up the mountain. We'll bring Yuri to the hospital ourselves. I'll drive."

"Okay," I said, because there was really no other answer.

"Could you go and wake Rei?" he asked, and then as if he thought I might not know who he meant, he amended, "Mrs. Okamoto. She can write a note for Kazuya and your parents. I don't think it's necessary to wake the entire household, do you?"

I thought about it, and concluded he was right. Mom and Julian would certainly want to know what was happening with Yuri, and I was sure Uncle Kaz would as well, but there was nothing they could do just then. It made sense to let them get as much sleep as possible. I could call my mom from the hospital later, once I was satisfied that Yuri was in safe hands and that he'd be all right.

"I'll be right back," I said.

"Be careful," said my father-in-law.

Mrs. Okamoto was already awake, as it turned out. She was sliding the laundry room door open before I even finished knocking. Despite having claimed she was exhausted, I assumed she hadn't gone back to sleep at all after Mr. Okamoto came to trade places with her in taking care of Yuri. I couldn't say I blamed her. She was probably too worried to sleep.

She asked me what was going on, and I quickly explained everything. I even awkwardly blurted out that Mr. Okamoto was going to help me with my clothes so that we could get going sooner.

"I'm already dressed. I'll help you, if you don't mind," she said. "Kenji will have his hands full enough."

Any other time, I would've said no, but this was not the moment to turn down well-intentioned assistance.

"That'd be good," I said. "Thank you. And would you mind writing a note for my mom, please? I don't want to get her out of bed, but I also don't want to just leave without telling her anything. I'd do it myself, but.. you know.”

"Of course," she replied. "I understand."

"Thanks."

We'd just turned to head back to Yuri's room when Mr. Okamoto emerged from the bathroom with Yuri in his arms. I caught the scent of Yuri's favourite strawberry soap. His father must've been trying to clean him up as best as possible, which I know from experience is not easy when the person you’re washing has absolutely no strength to participate in the task.

Even though I couldn't make out any details, I could tell Yuri was awake again. It looked like he was clutching his father's shirt. He was making small whimpering noises; not quite crying, but rather the sound of someone who's too weak and exhausted to cry.

"I'm sorry, Papa," I heard him say. "I'm sorry."

I felt like my heart might shatter into a thousand pieces at that. The idea that Yuri thought he had to say he was sorry for anything tore at me, and I wanted to tell him he had nothing to apologize for, especially not to his father. It wasn't his fault that he was sick. It wasn't anyone's fault, and he wasn't letting anyone down because of being unwell.

I had the irrational urge to yell at my father-in-law, This is what you've done to him! But of course I didn't. That would've been the worst possible choice.

I reminded myself that it was evident Mr. Okamoto was trying, and even though his current efforts are nowhere near enough to undo the years of emotional harm he'd caused, it's still progress. Maybe he's moving in the right direction to repair the damage he'd done. If that's the case, I don't want to be the one to break that fragile new thread between him and Yuri.

I wondered how Mr. Okamoto would respond, or if he'd even respond at all, and I caught myself holding my breath. Forcing myself to exhale, I took a shaky step forward, my mother-in-law guiding me with her hand in the crook of my elbow.

What happened in the following seconds was unexpected and absolutely extraordinary.

Mr. Okamoto, who was still moving steadily toward Yuri's room, said quietly, "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"You… you shouldn't have to do this," Yuri said weakly.

"You're my son," Mr. Okamoto replied. "It's not about whether or not I have to. Do you remember what I promised you a long time ago?"

"No," Yuri admitted.

"I promised I'd always take care of you. That you'd always be my treasure. Even if you don't remember, I do."

"I… I'm sorry.” Yuri’s voice broke on the last syllable, and he made a sound that might’ve been a sob if it’d had any energy behind it.

"Shh… it’s all right, Yuri. Everything’s going to be all right.”

"It... it isn't. I promised myself... I wouldn't..."

The tail end of whatever Yuri was saying was mumbled, and they were passing through the bedroom doorway too, so I didn't catch it. Obviously his father did though. Mrs. Okamoto and I had just reached the doorway ourselves when he said, "You're not a failure. Being who you are is all I ever expected from you."

"But, you don't like it," Yuri said miserably. "Who I am."

"I don't always agree with your choices, but that doesn't mean I don’t like who you are,” Mr. Okamoto said. “You haven’t failed at anything in my eyes. Even if you had, I wouldn't try to justify breaking my promise because of it.”

“But… you stopped loving me. I thought… Why…?”

As Mr. Okamoto carefully laid Yuri on the bed, he replied so softly that I wouldn’t have heard it if I’d been more than a couple meters away. "No, my treasure, I’ve never stopped loving you. I’m sorry if you believed I did. No matter what, I will never stop loving you.”

[sapphire-writes-stuff]

Interlude - Journal Entry #40

previous // next // story index

__________

Shirayuki

Hi, everybody! Remember me? It’s your favourite local super spy and internet personality, Yuki Okamoto.

No, wait... let me start again. This is Shirayuki Okamoto with today's top stories.

Yeah, that's better. If I'm going to be a famous TV journalist when I grow up, I have to start practising now, so I can be the best.

Anyway, remember that time when I was staying at Yuri and Victor’s house and they let me record something in their video journal? Well, I’m doing it again because I remembered the password and I found out some stuff that I feel like I really have to share my thoughts about.

Okay! first of all, I’m going to be staying with Yuri and Victor again. They’re in Canada right now, which is really far away, but they’ll be home in a couple of days. I can’t wait to see Yuri and tell him everything that happened since he’s been away. There’s been a lot.

One big news item is that Mama is going to stay with Uncle Kaz in California for six months. That’s in America and it's really far away too. I’m not exactly sure what she’s going to do there, but it's something for work and sounds like it’s super important and she’s the only one who can do it. She was supposed to take Hana with her, but I’m not sure if that’s going to happen now. But I’ll come around to that part in a few minutes.

I guess I should explain that I’m not going to be staying at Yuri’s house the whole time Mama is gone. She says I’m going to be there every weekend and during school holidays. I might go there after school on some days, or Yuri might come here and stay with me until Papa gets home from the office. I’d like it if Yuri came over. We could play on the swings, just like we used to when he still lived here. It used to be his swing set when he was a kid. He says it’s one of his favourite things of all time.

I have a lot of different feelings about Mama going away. Mostly I’m sad because she won’t be here to hug me and talk to me and fix my hair and help me with my homework. She says we’ll talk every day on the phone or online, but it’s not the same thing. I can’t hug her through a video chat on Papa’s laptop. I guess I could hug the laptop, but it wouldn’t hug me back and it wouldn’t smell like jasmine.

I’m also a little bit scared because even though I’m going to be at Yuri’s house on weekends, I’m still mainly going to be at home with Papa and Misaki.

Misaki is our housekeeper. She lives here with us, and she does things like cooking and cleaning and possibly aromatherapy massages. I don’t know for sure about that last part because she’s never given me a massage, but I overheard Papa saying something to her about it. I don't know if she was going to give him one or maybe just arrange an appointment for him to get one. It's usually Koichi, Papa's personal assistant, who makes appointments for him though, so it was kind of weird for him to ask someone else.

But the reason I’m kind of scared doesn't have anything to do with aromatherapy massages. It's because of Papa’s moods. That’s what Mama calls them. Sometimes it’s like he’s sad and angry at the same time for no reason, and nobody can talk to him when he’s like that. I’ve even heard him crying in his bedroom before, although I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if he knew anyone knew about that. When he’s feeling bad, nothing anyone does to comfort him seems to help. Nobody can cheer him up; not Mama or Misaki and not even me.

I don’t want him to feel like that, and I don’t know what to do. If it happens when Mama isn’t here, I don’t know who I’ll ask if I need help with something. Not Misaki, that’s for sure. I’d have to call Yuri or Victor, or maybe my grandmother.

I guess the only good part is that if Mama isn’t here, Papa won’t be able to fight with her when he’s in one of his moods. If he’s more angry than sad, he tends to yell a lot and sometimes he says awful things. I don’t know if he means any of it or not, but even if he doesn’t, it still hurts people. When I tell him he’s hurting people, he gets even more angry, so I’ve stopped mentioning it.

I wish he wouldn’t be like that, but I’m starting to think maybe there’s something wrong with him, and he can’t help it. Maybe he needs to see a doctor. I probably can’t suggest that to him without him getting mad about it, though.

While we're on the subject of Papa getting mad at people, he seriously lost it on Hana a few days ago. She totally deserved it too. Hana has done a lot of horrible stuff, but this time I think she went way too far. I mean, the police were here and everything. When the police come to your house, you know it’s bad.

It happened last Tuesday. I was sitting at the table, doing my homework and minding my own business when the police knocked on the front door. Misaki let them in, and I could hear them asking if this was where Hana Okamoto lives. Of course Misaki told them yes. Then they said they needed to speak with Hana about an incident. I tried really hard to find out what it was about, but they went upstairs to Hana’s room, and Misaki caught me trying to sneak up there to eavesdrop, so I didn’t hear anything.

I found out all about it later when Papa got home from the office. Misaki must’ve told him what happened, and I probably don’t need to tell you that he wasn’t pleased.

At that time, I was in my room which is next to Hana’s room. I was drawing at my art table, which is really close to the wall that separates our two rooms, so I overheard most of the conversation between Papa and Hana. The quick version of the story is that Hana’s boyfriend tried to start a fight with Victor at his job, and it was because Hana told him a bunch of lies about Victor and Yuri to make him angry, and he decided to confront Victor about it. I also found out that Hana’s boyfriend used to be Yuri’s boyfriend, which is super weird to me.

Victor didn’t fight back, and he got hurt. Somebody at his job called the police, so now I think Hana’s boyfriend is going to be in big trouble. Hana might be in trouble with the police too. Personally, I kind of hope she is. I always knew she was mean, but I don’t know why she’d ever want to hurt somebody as nice and gentle as Victor. I love Victor. He’s the kindest person I know. It’d serve Hana right if she had to go to jail.

I tried to imagine the scene as I listened to what was going on behind the wall. Papa would be standing there with his arms crossed over his chest like he usually does when he’s annoyed. Hana would be gesturing with her hands the same way Mama and Yuri both do when they’re trying to make important points. The tension in there would be something you could feel, like electricity in the air just before a big thunderstorm.

At one point after most of the main details came out, Papa said, “I can’t believe this, Hana! No… no, I can. It’s typical of you.”

“Is that a compliment or a criticism?” she asked.

“It’s certainly not a compliment. I’m appalled, to say the least.”

“Why?" she said. "I would’ve thought you’d be impressed at my ability to engineer a situation to my advantage.”

“Excuse me?” Papa said, and he sounded outraged. “Are you suggesting you did this to impress me? If so, you failed. I am not at all impressed.”

“No, of course I didn’t do it to impress you,” Hana scoffed. “I did it for myself. Aren’t you the one who always says I should do whatever it takes to get the results I want?”

“Yes, whatever it takes, within reason,” Papa said. “That doesn’t include creating drama for your own amusement or deliberately harming people. It most definitely doesn’t include hurting your brother and brother-in-law.”

“Why do you care?" Hana retorted. "You don’t even like Victor and you’ve practically disowned Yuri. Not that I blame you, considering how much he apparently hates you anyway.”

“Regardless of any of that, there’s absolutely no justification for what you’ve done,” he said. “I can’t excuse your behaviour. It’s unacceptable.”

“Whatever,” was her response. I wasn’t really surprised. It’s so typical of her not to care about anyone but herself.

Papa was obviously not going to accept her attitude, because he reacted with, “You’d do well to take this situation seriously, Hana. In case it’s escaped your notice, you’ve been implicated in a crime.”

“I didn’t do anything,” she said.

“You don’t think inciting someone to commit an assault on another person qualifies as ‘something’?”

“I’m not responsible for what Ren does,” Hana said. “I didn’t tell him to beat anyone up.”

“I suppose you’re going to tell me that you had absolutely no idea it was possible he’d react that way,” Papa said. “That you were caught completely unaware by how violent he is?”

“He’s not violent. He was defending my honour. Victor provoked him.”

“I find it difficult to imagine Victor provoking anyone.”

“He was harassing me,” Hana said. “Texting me and leaving me voicemails. Ren wasn’t going to stand by and let him get away with that, especially since too much stress isn’t good for me right now.”

“I highly doubt Victor has been harassing you," Papa said. "He may be many things, but disrespectful and antagonistic are not among them."

“He was harassing me," Hana insisted.

"Forgive me if I don’t believe that."

"You can believe what you want.”

“Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter what I believe in the end, does it?” he said. “At this point, it’s up to the police, and the court after that.”

“Nothing’s going to happen,” Hana told him.

“Is that what you think?”

“It’s what I know.”

"Then I’m sorry to contradict you, but quite a lot is going to happen," he said. "First of all, you’re not going to be joining your mother in America until this whole mess is sorted out, and second of all, you’re not to see that man again. And furthermore, if the police decide your involvement is enough for you to be charged alongside him, I will not be helping you make it go away.”

I could hardly believe what happened next.

Hana started laughing.

I’ll bet my face was just like a character in an anime whenever they get really surprised, with their eyes wide and their mouth hanging open. I was glad nobody could see me, and I was extra glad nobody heard the shocked gasping sound I made.

“We don’t need your help,” Hana said. “Ren’s father is a high court judge.”

There was a long silence, and I wondered what was going on. I pictured Hana looking smug, and Papa trying to hold his temper in. His face would be pale and his forehead would be all creased with the effort.

After what felt like a zillion years, I heard him say, “I know who he is. Ren’s father is Nori Kitagawa.”

“Yes,” Hana said.

"Thank you," Papa said.

He sounded way too calm. I couldn’t help feeling a little scared, not because I was worried about Hana, but because I could tell Papa was angry beyond the point of shouting, and that’s never a good thing.

“Why are you smiling?” Hana demanded.

“I’m not smiling," he said. "I’m thinking.”

“About what?”

“Hana,” he intoned. “You’ve got a lot to learn about the world. If you want to play dangerous games, make sure you’re prepared for every possible outcome.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

“Your grandfather plays golf with Justice Kitagawa. Did you know that?”

“No.”

“Sometimes they invite me.”

“You wouldn’t dare—” she began.

“I have every right to speak to the judge if I wish,” he said. “I’m sure he already has some idea what his son has been up to, but he might be very interested to learn about your involvement, and I’m sure he’ll agree that you and Ren shouldn’t be permitted to associate with each other after this.”

“He won’t agree, but even if he does, neither of you can stop us,” Hana declared. “We’re adults.”

“You’re right. I can’t stop you from seeing him, but I can ask you to leave this house if you decide not to respect my rules.”

“You’re kicking me out?”

“Not at all,” Papa said. “I’m offering you a choice. You may stay here as long as you like, but the condition is that you aren’t to see Ren any more.”

“That’s not a choice!” she exclaimed. “It’s an ultimatum.”

“Call it what you like,” he said.

“Well, I’m not leaving, and I’m not going to stop seeing Ren. He’s the father of my child, and—”

“What?” This time, Papa did yell. “You’d better start explaining!”

“What’s to explain?” she said. “I’m having Ren’s baby. I’m going to stay here until he’s allowed to leave the country, and then we’re both going to America.”

“At whose expense? Surely you aren’t expecting me to pay for it after this.”

“We don’t need you. Ren’s father will help us," Hana said, and then added, "He believes in standing by his family.”

Papa didn’t ask her what she meant by that, but he likely understood. I understood, and he's a lot smarter and more experienced than me. He didn’t say anything else. I heard Hana’s bedroom door slam, and then I heard Papa stomping down the stairs.

Hana put on some music and turned it up really loud, but not before screaming through the wall, “You better not have been eavesdropping over there, Shirayuki! Or else!”

I didn’t know whether I should laugh or be really scared.

Later that evening, after dinner, I was in the music room. I was supposed to be studying music theory, but I couldn’t concentrate on it because I had way too much other stuff to think about. I wondered if it was true that Hana’s having a baby. She lies a lot, so it’s probably not true.

Even if it was true, I couldn’t get excited about it because Hana would be a terrible mother and that poor baby would have a difficult life. I’d get excited if Yuri and Victor had a baby though. I mean, if they adopted one, because they’re boys and they can’t actually have any. It’d be so much fun if I had a little niece to play with, and I think Victor would be the best papa ever. Yuri would be a good father too, but he might not like the messy parts. Yuri doesn’t like anything gross, so I think he’d have a really hard time changing the baby’s diapers or cleaning her up if she spit out her food, or doing any of the other messy baby stuff.

Hana would probably hate the messy bits too. The difference between her and Yuri is that Yuri would get through the hard parts somehow, even if it made him cry or throw up or something. Hana wouldn’t. She ignores stuff she doesn’t like and doesn’t want to do, and she gets angry really easily. Even the idea of her having a baby is terrifying to me.

I guess it was upsetting for Papa too. While I was trying my hardest to understand compound time signatures, I overheard him and Mama talking in their room.

In case I didn’t explain before, my room and Hana’s are upstairs and our parents’ bedroom is downstairs. Theirs connects directly to the music room. That might seem a little weird, but the music room wasn’t always a music room. When Yuri was a baby, it used to be his room. Mama wanted to be close to him because he was always so ill. When he got older, they changed it into a music room so Papa’s piano didn’t have to be in the sitting room any more, and Yuri got a bedroom upstairs.

I knew Mama and Papa were talking about Hana even without them mentioning her name. Papa said, "This is the worst possible situation, Rei. She’s too young to have a child.”

“I was her age when I had Yuri,” Mama said. “And unless I’m mistaken, your mother was younger than that when she had you.”

“That’s different,” he said. “We were already married when our Yuri was born. You were smart and sensible, and I was there to help you. She hasn’t even been seeing this man for a year, and I doubt he’s really the type who’s willing to commit. Not to mention, he’s an alleged criminal.”

“If it makes any difference, I don’t approve of him either,” Mama said. “I didn’t like him when our Yuri was seeing him, and I like him even less now. But I don’t agree with your approach to this. Telling her to leave isn’t the answer.”

“I didn’t tell her to leave. I told her she could stay, but the condition is that she has to stop seeing that man.”

“That approach didn’t work the last time you tried it, did it?” Mama chided him. “Yuri is married to the man you told him not to see.”

“Don’t remind me,” Papa said.

Married? I have to tell you, that was huge news to me! Up to that point, I had no idea that Yuri and Victor were married. In fact, at the Festival of Snow, Victor specifically told me that he and Yuri weren’t getting married.

I had a thousand questions, not the least of which was to find out when this happened and why I wasn’t part of it. But with my brother and his husband in Canada, I realized I’d have to wait to find out all the details. His husband! It was all I could do to stop myself from squealing. Somehow, I restrained myself. I’d be a pretty bad spy if I gave myself away just because I got too excited about my brother getting married, wouldn’t I?

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Papa was saying. “We need to deal with this together.”

“It was your idea for me to go, Kenji. Yours, and the board of directors,” Mama said.

“I know, but you didn’t have to agree.”

“Did you want me to disagree?”

“No,” he said, and then he sighed loudly enough that I had no trouble hearing it. “Yes… in a way I suppose I did, but you’re the best person to do this. There’s nobody I trust more than you, and my father trusts you, so…”

“Far be it from us to disobey the great and powerful Akira Okamoto.”

“Rei, that’s not fair.”

“Is it your company now, or is it still his?” she said.

“You know it’ll never be truly mine while he’s still alive and thinking clearly," he said. "He’s only seventy. He could be around for a long time yet. But can we not make this about him, please? I’m not going to see you in person for six months. Can we make it about our family? About us?”

“Sometimes I wonder if that’s even possible any more,” she said.

“What do you mean?”

“When was the last time anything was about us?”

He was quiet for a long time. I got off the sofa and went over to the door, and I tried to look through one of the glass panels without either of them spotting me. Papa was sitting on the bed and he looked sad.

“Remember when we were happy?” he said.

Mama was putting something in her suitcase, but she stopped and came over to sit next to him. “It feels as if that was a long time ago.”

“Back when it was just us and our little Yuri,” he said. “When we had less to worry about and the future seemed limitless.”

“I remember how you used to laugh,” she said. “How you used to run around the garden with Yuri on your back, and he’d pretend he was flying an airplane.”

“We used to go to all sorts of fascinating places,” he said. “At least in our imaginations. You know, I still do sometimes, but Yuri would probably think it’s silly these days.”

“He might surprise you," she said.

Papa shook his head. “He’s so serious now.”

“So are you.”

“Not always. Not on the inside.”

“If that’s so, I wish I could see you on the inside,” she said. “Maybe you’d look like the you I used to know. I’d like to see him again.”

“I wish you could. Unfortunately, I think he’s too afraid to come out because no one approves of him.”

“I know a few people who might. I would, and I’m sure Yuki and Yuri would.”

“Yuri wouldn’t," he said. "He already thinks I’m not worth his time. Imagine how he’d react if he thought I was actually trying to get his attention.”

“Yuri loves you.”

“He despises me,” Papa said. He removed his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. “It’s a good thing you’re not taking Yuki with you. I’d be lost without her, and you know I wouldn’t see Yuri for the entire six months if you did take her, because he’d never come here just for me.”

“Would you go to see him?”

“I’m not welcome there. He’s made that clear.”

“Perhaps if you were a bit more accepting of Victor–”

“You know how I feel about that man," Papa stated. "He lacks any sort of ambition and he’s led our son dangerously astray. Yuri could have been successful. He could’ve done so much better than toiling away at some meaningless job to support someone who can’t be bothered doing anything to support himself.”

“Victor has a job now, in case you didn’t know,” Mama said. “In any event, Yuri is happy with his life and he’s happy with Victor. You should see them together, Kenji. Victor is so gentle, and he takes such good care of him. It’s obvious how much they love each other.”

“I’m happy that he’s happy. I just wish it was easier for him. I only ever wanted him to have the best of everything. I want that for all of them, but…” He stopped talking, leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. “I don’t know what’s happening, Rei. Everything’s… wrong. This is the worst time for you to have to go. I don’t want you to leave me. I just…”

It looked to me like he was crying, and I thought Mama would do something to comfort him, but she didn’t. She just sat there watching him. I felt so bad for him and I wanted to run in there and hug him, but I knew if I did that, they’d realize I’d been spying on them.

Mama said, “You know what’s happening, and you know why.”

“No, I don’t,” he said, and the tone of his voice made me almost a hundred percent certain he was in pain. I had to bite my lip a little bit to stop myself from crying in response.

“You asked me if I remember when we were happy,” she said. “I remember a lot about that time. Back then, you told me that love was all we needed.”

“Love isn’t everything.”

“Ambition isn’t everything. You understood that once.” She got up from the bed and went back to her suitcase. “But you're correct. Love isn’t everything either, but it’s a good foundation. Why else do you think I’m still with you?”

I almost didn’t hear what he said next, it was so quiet. “Do you still love me?”

“If I didn’t, I would’ve been gone a long time ago,” Mama said. “Perhaps a wiser woman wouldn’t have stayed, but I suppose I’ve always been a hopeless romantic and a bit of an idealist.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Think about why you’re saying that,” she said. “When you understand why and you’re ready to do something about it, we’ll talk.”

She closed her suitcase and pulled it off the bed. Then, I had to hurry and get away from the door because it looked like she was about to come out, and I didn’t want to get caught standing there. I grabbed a random book and hurried back to the sofa so I could pretend I’d been reading the whole time. I don’t even know what the book was about. It was a big one and it was in English, so it was probably something Papa had been reading.

Luckily, Mama didn’t even pay attention to me as she passed through the music room. I did some more fake reading until I couldn’t hear the wheels of her suitcase rolling along the hardwood floor any more. Then I put the book down and went back to the door of Mama and Papa’s room. When I looked in, Papa was standing in the middle of the floor and it seemed like he was staring at the wall.

I slid the door open as carefully as I could, and said quietly, “Papa?”

He didn’t turn around, but he knew it was me because he said, “Hello, Yuki-chan.”

“Can I come in?”

“Of course,” he said.

I went over to him and hugged him around the waist and leaned against him. His sweater was soft, and he smelled like sandalwood. I know that’s what it was because Yuri always smells like that too, and when I asked him about it once, he said it was sandalwood essential oil. I like it. It smells clean and sweet and always makes me think of perfect autumn days when all the leaves have changed colours and it’s still warm enough that you only need a sweater. I don’t exactly know how to describe it, but I always think of it as a Papa and Yuri scent.

Even if Papa yells sometimes and scares me with his moods, I know he still loves me, and I know he’s not hurting any of us on purpose. At the end of the day, I know he wants the best for us. He said so himself, and I believe him.

“I love you, Papa,” I said. It was the only thing that I could think of that seemed right for the situation.

He lowered his hand to stroke my hair. “I love you too, my little princess,” he said. “Are you all right?”

“I feel like I should be asking you that,” I said.

“I’m not having a very good day,” he said. “But I didn’t mean for you not to have one. I’m sorry if Mama and I upset you with what we were talking about.”

“How did you—” I began, but then it occurred to me that he’d likely caught sight of me through the glass panel in the door, so I just mumbled, "Sorry I was listening.”

"It’s okay,” he said. “I’m not angry. You were here when the police officers came, weren’t you? I should’ve known you’d want to know everything after that.”

"I wish I didn’t know everything,” I said, and I suddenly realized that I meant that with all my heart. As much as I like to know about all the things that are going on around me, seeing Papa so sad and confused was something I would rather not have been a witness to.

“Yuki…” His voice caught on whatever he was about to say next, and a second later, he was kneeling on the floor and pulling me into a close hug. His breathing was ragged, and he whispered into my hair, “I’m so sorry, my darling. I wish you didn’t, either.”

“Is Hana really having a baby?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said.

“Is she going to jail?”

“I don’t know.”

“Tell me something you know.” I said it softly, in the same tone I’ve heard Yuri and Victor use on each other when one of them is upset.

“I know that I’m glad you’re not going away,” he said. “I feel like I’m losing everyone but you, and I… I can’t…”

“You haven’t," I assured him. "Mama said she loves you.”

“She’s leaving.”

“Not because she wants to, and not forever.”

“I know, but it feels like it’ll be forever," he said.

“It feels like that for me too,” I said. “I don’t want her to go.”

“Neither do I, even though I know she has to,” Papa said. “It’ll be only the two of us for a while, so we’ll have to stick together and try to be very brave until she comes back. Do you think we can do it?”

“I’ll never leave you,” I promised. “I’ll love you forever and ever, and if there’s something wrong, I’ll help you. You just have to tell me what to do, okay?”

“Loving me forever and ever is enough. You don’t have to do anything more than that,” he said. “You shouldn’t have to worry about me, and I’m sorry if I’m making you feel like you have to.”

"But, that’s what you do when you love somebody,” I said. “You’re worried about Mama and Yuri, aren’t you? If Yuri knew how sad you are, I know he’d be worried about you.”

I could feel the movement of his head as he shook it slightly. "I don’t think your brother is particularly interested in how I feel.”

“He loves you,” I said. “I think he’s just scared because he thinks you don’t love him. Maybe you’d feel less sad if you tried to be friends with him again, and maybe you’d both be less scared.” I hugged him as tightly as I was able to, and added in a whisper. “He wouldn’t think the airplane game is silly either. He and Victor play it with me.”

The noise Papa made when I said that startled me, and it took me a couple of seconds to comprehend what was going on. He wasn’t just crying, he was sobbing. It was as if something inside him had shattered into a million pieces and every bit of pain and fear and sadness inside him came flooding out all at once.

I was scared and I didn’t know what to do, so I just held onto him as hard as I could. I’d never heard a grown-up cry that way, not even Victor who cries over everything. I couldn’t even imagine how bad a person would have to be hurting to make them cry like that, and I didn’t know who or what could’ve hurt him that deeply. It started when I mentioned Yuri, but it couldn’t have been my sweet brother… could it?

No, I told myself. Yuri loves Papa. He’d never do anything to hurt him on purpose. It has to be something else.

The problem was, I couldn’t understand what it might be, but I was determined to find out. I told myself that if I had to sneak around and spy on everyone for the next… forever, I’d do it if it meant I could get to the bottom of this. If I could discover what the problem was, I could help Papa fix it.

He calmed down after a few minutes, but we still held onto each other for a while. Then, Papa told me that he really wanted to rest and asked me if I’d mind letting him be by himself for a while. I said that if he needed me, I’d be in the music room finishing my lesson, even though there was no way I’d ever be able to focus on music theory any more that night.

Now I know I absolutely need to find a way to help him because I never want to see him broken and crying like that ever again.

I’ll get Yuri and Victor to help too, once they’re back from overseas. They might not want to at first, but I’m positive at least Yuri will be convinced once I’ve told him everything.

[bluestarsimming]

Graduation !!!

They grow up so fast T_T