Cold
Summary: Thunderstorms wake Lily up without fail.
Type: Angst
Warnings: it’s just.... kind of depressing
Word Count: 1057
MASTERLIST
It was the first crackle of thunder that woke her. Like a switch, her eyes opened and all drowsiness drained from her body. The droplets of rain, once gently caressing her windows, now became a torrential downpour, splashing onto the glass violently.
Lily pulled her duvet off her body, shivering slightly as her naked skin came in contact with the cool air. Although her apartment was heated, it was still so cold, or perhaps it was just her heart. She didn’t bother to turn on her lamp and instead moved towards the large, stainless windows. She drew the curtains away fully, and there, unfolded before her, was the city of Gotham; still so alive, still so vibrant, and still so busy.
Yet even when in one of the largest and busiest cities in the world, Lily still felt so alone, maybe even more alone than ever. The people that surrounded her were just white noises, filling the space around her but never filling the space in her chest, a space that grew larger and larger every hour.
And she wanted to give up. She wanted to scream, and cry, and she wanted someone to help. It was so simple. Just a word, and everything would spill out.
Yet Lily couldn’t find it in herself to utter a single word. She couldn’t even lift a finger for herself. Somehow, all that distress was bottled up inside of her, with no way of coming out.
A white flash filled the sky, illuminating the city for a blink of an eye and drowning the city in its brilliance. A second later; thunder. It was even louder than the one that woke her up. And just like that, the scene fell back into place. After one brief moment of change, the world was the in order again.
No one even batted an eye.
“It’s almost peaceful,” said a familiar voice beside her, “all the way up here, away from the chaos of the world.”
Lily didn’t need to turn and look to see who it was.
“Yes,” she whispered, “it is.” The presence comforted her. It was still cold, but she could pretend that things weren’t the way they were, even just for a little moment.
“Is this what death is like?” she asked quietly, in a voice that matched the vulnerability of a child, “to be here while the world destroys itself.”
“I can’t tell you that. It’ll ruin it for you when you… well, die.”
Lily found it in herself to laugh a little. The sound was a stark contrast to the silence she always found herself in, the silence that met her most of the day, the silence that she was painfully used to.
“Then I’ll assume it’s just like this,” Lily stated, “it’s much better than life.”
Yes, it was much better than life. She would be in this oasis, away from the pandemonium below. She wouldn’t have to worry about meeting expectations, keeping up an image for herself, or disappointing people. She would have no one to answer to. In death, there would be freedom.
But was it still as lonely?
“Is it warm?” Lily inquired once more, “is death warm?”
There was silence for a minute, and Lily was afraid that she was alone again. The cold was seeping into her chest now—or was it seeping out? These days, she couldn’t tell anymore. She wanted to reach out and hold a hand, or feel a warm body underneath her skin to reassure her that she wasn’t on her own anymore.
But she was.
“Anything is warmer than life,” came the whispered answer.
“What is the point of my life?” Lily asked, her voice simply tired and defeated, “I’m not special. No one needs me. I play no role in anything. I don’t belong anywhere. I doubt I would be missed if I was gone, so why?” Lily finally gathered enough strength to turn, and her eyes stung with unshed tears.
“Why am I still here, mum?”
Lily’s mother gave her child a melancholy smile. She was still as beautiful as Lily recalled. She felt lucky to look so much like her gorgeous mother. She hoped that she could only be just as kind and strong.
“My child,” her mother cooed, “when the time comes, you’ll know.” Her smile widened slightly and there was that shine in her chocolate-coloured eyes that Lily adored so much.
She reached out to caress Lily’s cheeks, and Lily leaned into her hand. Yet even when the hand came into contact with Lily, it was still so cold. It wasn’t warm like a human touch, like her mother’s touch. It was as bitter as the rest of the room and the rest of her body.
Lily shut her eyes tightly. She desperately reached out to feel something, anything, but all that greeted her was this terrifying void of absolutely nothing. No sensation, no emotions, nothing.
“I miss you,” she uttered, “I miss you so much mum.”
“I know petal,” her mother responded in that same gentle voice she always used, “I know.”
Lily reopened her eyes and stared at her mother, attempting to memorize every single detail she could of the wonderful woman. That kind smile, those encouraging eyes, the way her nose scrunched up when she laughed; anything and everything. She didn’t have any photos of her mother, so all she had to rely on were memories.. and even that was slowly fading away.
Lily placed her hand over her mother’s, even when she knew she was simply holding air. Her vision was blurry.
“I’m sorry,” she managed to say, her voice cracking on the second word, “I’m sorry mummy. I-I’m so-so sorry—“ she tried to blink her tears away but her vision was failing her like her voice, “I-I’m sorry I disappointed you—“
“Shh,” her mother hushed her, “it’s okay…” she lifted her hand to caress Lily’s hair, “it’s going to be okay.”
Another flash of lightning enveloped the city, this time with thunder following directly behind. Once again, for a fraction of a second, the world changed. When the light disappeared, the world fell back into place.
A single, lone tear escaped Lily’s eye and cascaded down her cheek.
“No,” she cried, shaking her head, “no it’s not.”
But she was by herself, and it never felt colder.