🌸 Thanks! Hmm, can you tell me about the outlook of my current friendships? Does it look like we'll stick together over the next few years?
🎶 "Friendship! Yes, I can do that! How does a five card relationship spread sound?"
❌ I think he's asking me?? How should I know how it sounds.
🎶 "Yes, that will do just fine! Usually I use these on two people, so putting it on a whole friend group should be fun!"
❌ He shuffled his deck, drew five cards, laughed hysterically, and switched two around. Are you allowed to just switch cards like that in tarot?? Is this even tarot???
🎶 "All righty, let's see what you've got!"
1. You in friendships: The Taj Mahal
🎶 "There's somebody you've left behind—probably in the living world—who values you greatly and misses you dearly. Possibly more than they did when you were alive. Good news for your pool of potential friendships if they die in the next few years! If you had any devastating friendship blowouts since dying, it could also suggest they've come to see your virtues since losing you as a friend! If anyone in particular comes to mind, they might be worth reaching out to again to see if they regret your falling out! The biggest risk to this card, though, is that you'll fall into a pattern of people who cherish you more as a memory than as a current friend."
2. Your friends: Ten of Spades
🎶 "These are friends who are holding something back. They're shallow, fair weather friends, plentiful in fun times but hiding the majority of who they truly are. If what you prefer is a large number of casual friends who will show up for a party and leave you the hell alone when you're having a rough time, you're on track! If that's not what you want, then this is a sign there's much more work to do if you want your friendships to deepen—and your friends aren't likely to be the ones to make the first move."
3. Most likely friendship outcome: Cat Fight
❌ He just started laughing.
❌ And more laughing.
🎶 "I'm so terribly sorry!"
❌ Yeah, no, he's still laughing.
4. Worst potential outcome: Seaking
🎶 "That's the most devastating card that could land there. I truly am sorry. Essentially, this card is eternal regret. More than that, it describes a Sisyphean process: yearning for relationships in your history that have been lost, struggling to rekindle them, failing, and trying again even knowing that you'll fail, because the hole they left behind is simply too large to coexist with. That's not a cycle you want to fall into. I rescind what I said earlier about trying to reconnect with somebody you had a falling out with. If they don't approach you first, don't even think about them. This might also be a warning that if you're waiting for somebody on the other side—likely the friend who misses you, especially if they're an older friend—they're not going to end up in this afterlife."
❌ HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET THAT OUT OF A POKÉMON CARD?
5. Best potential outcome: The Empress
🎶 "Are you familiar with the term 'the mom friend'? You could be a good mom friend. I hope you want to be one! If not, it might mean that you have a role to play as a keystone in your friend group, helping more shallow friendships flourish into deeper ones; or else someone else in the group—or a new arrival—will rise to the challenge. This particular version of the Empress is particularly nurturing toward the strange, the secretive, and the shadowy, so whoever or whatever fills the role, it's going to be something uniquely well-suited to handling whatever your Ten of Spades friends are hiding behind their masks."
🎶 "So, here's my overall analysis: your current friends are friendly but not forthright, and if left unchecked, things will get petty. If things go sour, you might be tempted to try to reconnect with former friends, perhaps ones that treasured you more: this is dangerous. Try that and you might spend the rest of your afterlife chasing after nostalgia for former friends, so sure that this time you'll get it right, and never succeeding. Instead, focus on your current friends and on getting past the secrets that risk tearing the group apart, whether that be by taking a leadership role in deepening your current friendships before tensions come to a head, or keeping an eye out for someone else in your friend group who seems to be rising to the occasion to whom you can offer support."
❌ How much of this is bullshit? I genuinely do not know. There's now way he got a coherent tarot reading out of a spread with a Pokémon card. I refuse to believe it.
Thus far this one is my favorite for sheer ingenuity:
"Alastor? Are you sure your name isn't spelled Allistare?" Well, yes, I'm fairly sure. "That's weird—because whenever your picture's on my screen, all I stare at is you!"
My name is very difficult to pun, and so I appreciate the effort!
And another, for its audacity:
"You know the phrase, 'chase your dreams'? Well, I'll give you a fifteen second head start."
What really made it work is the fact that it was immediately followed by a blurry photograph of me through the window.
After Alastor aka Astor (hi there) spent several weeks radio silent, Alastor aka Alexa (@furby-organist) calls him up to make sure that he's fine and nothing weird is going on with him.
And he is fine, but he’s been unavailable because he recently moved in with his secret lover he can’t tell anyone about, so like. He’s got to get creative with his explanation.
killstreaming
Incoming radio call! "Hel-LO my friend! Delightful to see you again!"
dontasktheradiodemon
Immediate response! "Hello hello, thank you! Delightful to hear from you too—although I'm not quite as deprived, at least I've been able to keep up with your broadcasts! I suppose I've been rather scarce, haven't I?"
killstreaming
"Oh, you've been tuning in?" He's BEAMING on his end of the radio! Absolutely radiating! "It's been a moment you haven't graced the airwaves, are you faring alright? It's only fair I make sure all's well." (Astor /had/ checked on on Alexa during that embarrassing brainrot bender, Alexa hadn't forgotten!)
dontasktheradiodemon
"Naturally! You're the best entertainment on air! Of course, I might be biased, but..."
Oh! Oh no! He'd worried the Cooler Him! How long *had* he been gone, if his own other was calling him out for his absence? "Oh, yes—yes, perfectly fine! No cause for alarm. I uh, I've just..." Been on a lovedrunk bender so heavy he'd barely managed to stumble into work each day in between sessions of blacking out in a haze of snake coils and smotheringly cozy domesticity? "... been... preoccupied with other matters, lately."
killstreaming
"Thank you, thank you, you flatter me!" Alexa is going to die. Astor thinks Alexa's chaotic shenanigans are the best thing on air and Alexa is going to die of giddiness right here in his radio tower, and some staff member's going to find the body in a week. It's fine.
"I see!" Well! As far as Alexa's concerned, whatever Astor's kept away, it can't be as Big Cringe as Alexa's own previous stint, no way would the Cooler Him be that cringe. Alexa takes that answer as a signal that he should mind his business. "I'm not here to pry, I'm simply checking that no sudden illness or other tragedy has befallen my friend! Anything you need a hand with?"
dontasktheradiodemon
“No, no no, no tragedy! All—all good things, actually.” Yeah he doesn’t even sound convincing to himself. He sounds like he’s hiding something, which he is. But he doesn’t want his alternate to be suspicious. Just as importantly, he doesn’t want his alternate to worry.
He could tell a lie—a real one to convince him, not a funny one to entertain him—but, surprisingly, just the thought of it makes his stomach turn. He thinks it would feel like lying to family. Not quite as awful as lying to his mother had been, but something closer than lying to a cousin.
A truncated truth, then. It doesn’t matter if his alternate knows he’s not getting the whole truth as long as he knows enough to know he doesn’t need to worry. “Truth be told—and I’m afraid I can’t talk about the circumstances, it’s one of those complicated matters, all secrecy and subterfuge, you know the sort—but… Well, I’ve recently come into a bit of new property.”
Because that, as much as anything else, has been contributing to his distraction. The enthrallment of domesticity isn’t just the coming-home-to-someone, but the domicile to come home to. And it’s been two and a half lifetimes since he’s had somewhere to come home to. There’s something grounding about sitting down and realizing not only does this wooden chair belong to you, but also the floor beneath it.
“And you know how it is, setting up a new place and settling in—picking out the furniture, deciding what wallpaper you can live with for the next decade, finding a walk in freezer modest enough not to overtake your pantry space but large enough to hold a prisoner or two—why, it’s practically a full time job! And damned if I can’t even get on air to make jarringly quaint quips about this gorgeous enameled cast iron cookware set I plan to keep using til the twenty-fifth century, on account of how hush-hush I have to be about even having this place! What does that leave me to talk about on air? I’m afraid not terribly much!”
killstreaming
"Oh! /Oh!/ I /see!/" Now, that's exciting! Whatever Alexa's imagining happened is far more complex and clandestine than the domestic reality, but that's what makes it more exciting! "You're 'moving'! And remodeling! That's a tedious process if there ever was one!"
(Alexa's been in the same place in the Cannibal Colony since the thirties. He hasn't moved and he's rarely attempted to remodel. He does not have the executive function to move and he's got to commend Astor for it.)
"/My/ lips are sealed! It's a shame you can't talk about it or you could set up a housewarming registry! This year I got my hands on a set of copper cookware I've been /lusting/ after--" okay, chill, Alexa, this isn't about you, "-- I mean! You should tell me about your kitchen renovations!" (He gets it, he wants to gush about his kitchenware too. And his gaslighting couch. He'll get to the gaslighting couch later, maybe.)
dontasktheradiodemon
“Tedious, god, yes—but so /rewarding/ in its tedium! Reshaping a space around you to conform to your whims! Let me tell you, there’s magic in turning a set of walls into a home as sure as any conjure you or I have ever done. Like watching a scribble untangle itself into a sigil.”
Astor, on the other hand, has never had anywhere in Hell to move /from./ When he arrived, with all of eternity before him and unlimited power to do whatever the hell he pleased, it always seemed too soon to anchor himself anywhere—and then suddenly he’d been dead as long as he’d lived, and it was too late to set down roots.
“Oh, I nearly got a set of copper—but cast iron can take higher heat, and it lasts longer, that seemed like something good to prioritize down here—but the cabinet space is a little more generous than I anticipated, the engineering in here is sheer genius, I might yet get some copper pieces, you’ll have to tell me where you got yours—oh! But you must see mine! Look, isn’t this the most fetching enamel you’ve ever seen!”
He nearly sends a picture, remembers that Alexa doesn’t run his own blog and wouldn’t be able to see it until Marina could show him, and instead sticks his hand through the radio holding out his phone with the picture pulled up. “Here!” Congratulations, Alexa: due to the fact that Astor didn’t think this through, you’re now one of the dozen-odd people privy to the fact that Astor owns a phone and does not, in fact, blog via radio transmissions.
killstreaming
"Mmhmm! Glad to hear you're enjoying the process!" Sounds nostalgic. Sounds like a distant memory of Alexa actually setting up his place, or bothering to update one of the rooms.
Alexa's /about/ to interject that he already /has/ his own set of cast iron kitchenware (both enameled and not), he knows it's better for heat and more durable, what does he look like, /uncultured/? And promptly stops himself from getting /defensive/ at a nonexistent accusation. Damn, Alexa, just let the new-home-owner express himself.
"One of the Goetias sent it from my wedding registry! Williams-Vonoma, I think? It's been a while!" It's been less than a year and he's already forgotten where he did his registry. No time to dwell on that, though, there's a hand sticking out through his radio!
He tilts the phone so he can see better. "Oh /goodness/! It's absolutely /stunning!/ It all /matches/! It's so /new!/ And /red!/ Look at the /little ones!/" Is he too busy fawning over the little baby dutch ovens like they're actual babies to even register that the phone in question might be Astor's? Absolutely!
dontasktheradiodemon
He just gets excited and infodumps out his entire thought process with no consideration for whether it would already be self-evident to his audience.
“Oh, THAT place! A fine choice! I can’t go in there, I’d leave a trail of drool up and down the aisles.” And the torture would just be too much, when he didn’t have a kitchen to properly outfit. (Except that he did now, didn’t he?)
“Aren’t they darling? They’re perfect for pot pies! I don’t think I’ve felt the urge to make a pot pie in a *decade* but they make it so fun!” Remember when Astor said he’d spent the last month in a trance acting like a housewife? Witness it in action. He’s channeling a perky recipe blogger right now. “And they’re such convenient portioning, too! Prepare all four at once, stick half in the fridge, you’ve got two for dinner today and two for dinner tomorrow!” It’s PROBABLY not Astor’s phone, definitely, it’s got the frame of a gaudy gold phone case and does that look like Astor’s style? OF COURSE NOT. DEFINITELY NOT.
killstreaming
"Tell me about it! I'll be the first to admit, I lay my eyes on the novelty utensils and I forget how to act right!" A loud /cackle/! Alexa may allegedly be as ace as they come, but high-end kitchenware stores bring his orientation into question.
"Goodness, you weren't kidding about the housewife bit! I was ready to corroborate your alibi either way, but hey! Sounds like you've been having a whale of a time!" Oho, Alexa has an idea! (Alexa, it turns out, responds to food as a potential incentive.) "Say, I'll make you a deal! Do you need anything else for your new residence? Hell knows I own far too much houseware and kitchenware; I'll pass them onto you in exchange for a pot pie or two!" Alexa has /way/ too much stuff he's accumulated over the decades, and what he hasn't got rid of is too nice to just /get rid of/. Help him, please take it off his hands.
dontasktheradiodemon
Never let them find out about pansexuals or they’ll immediately make themselves (even more) insufferable.
“No, I’m afraid the housewife part was embarrassingly sincere.” Just don’t ask about the hypnotist bit—
Stuff? He is being offered Stuff? Objects? Things? By The Cooler Him?? “Oh! Wh—Well that’s—For that, you can have all /four/ pot pies!” A flustered laugh. “Oh… goodness, I don’t know what I still need! What’s on offer?”
killstreaming
Oh! That’s a more positive reaction than he’d expected! “All four! Alright! I’ve got a bit of everything! Looks like you’re all set on cookware, but I have more if you want -- got myself a bunch of Teflon pans and skillets, I've no need for, an extra blender, a handful of storage containers shaped specifically like one half of a vegetable, a large spiralizer I never use, a solid amount of cooking utensils...” like, two drawers full of extras, he’s getting tired just thinking about going through all his stuff.
“-- do you need an espresso machine? I have a Breville Oracle I haven’t /touched/ since I stole a Mastrena from a Hellbucks. That’s just the kitchen, and not even all of it! I’ll look properly when I get home.”
dontasktheradiodemon
"HAH—why do you have containers shaped like one half of a... oooh, /do/ I need a espresso machine? I'll have to see if—" if it was on Telly's to-do list of kitchen appliances to lovingly build for him, "—if I picked up one of those anywhere... Yes, please, you figure out what you want to get rid of and I'll figure out what I need to add!"
killstreaming
“In case I wanted to store exactly one half of an onion, of course. It’s not like I could use a generic storage container.” He’s being sarcastic, but listen, those things had their allure when he saw them. They were ~aesthetic~ and fancy and promised a very precise sense of organization he could only dream to have.
He’s not going to address /how do you not know if you picked up an espresso machine when they’re that big/, “alright! Sounds like a plan! You’ll hear from me in the near future on that! Everything else going well?”
dontasktheradiodemon
And now Astor is dreaming about a fancy aesthetic organized future. Imagine it. Imagine being that put together.
"So well it makes me nervous!" And he sounds SO chipper about it.
killstreaming
Alexa animatedly CHINHANDS behind the radio; Astor is just having a whale of a time on the other end, isn't he? "Can't blame you, with the way things go around here! I know you're under a gag order of sorts, but if there's anything else you ~care to share~ I'm all ears." Yeah, sorry, you don't get to sound like you're having a blast without Alexa at least /asking/ if you want to gush.
dontasktheradiodemon
"Oh—I shouldn't. No, no, you've been patient enough with my rambling! I couldn't ask for more of your time." Beat. "Oh, but as long as you ask—what, ah, what would you consider your religious inclinations? Current or former. If you're willing to share, of course! Far be it from I to pry!"
killstreaming
Alexa has plenty of time to listen, actually, but he won't press it.
Blink. "Oh, no, I don't mind sharing. I was raised Catholic, though we saw how /that/ went," a laugh, yeah, look at that. "I went the /opposite/ direction -- explored the occult material we were explicitly forbidden from doing -- though it's more something I engage in as /needed/, than something I resonate with as a religious /affinity./"
"All my maternal relatives were, to some degree or another, practicioners of Louisianian Voudou. I grew up with it, and it remains my predominant inclination. Does that answer the question?"
dontasktheradiodemon
"All right, so more or less the same, at least in the broad strokes!" He knew from experience with other alternates that those broad strokes could vary drastically in the details, but there was no need to pry /that/ deep.
"Well, for my own part, I—stopped practicing anything in the twenties. I went through the motions, but nothing answered back. Nothing but demons, but that wasn't worship, that was business." But he didn't need to give Alexa his entire life story, move on. "Anyway, I—before I lost it, that was something that mattered to me. And in this new place, I've set up the first real altar I've had in nearly a century. And—well—I'm pretty pleased about that."
killstreaming
Ah, the question made sense now. (And it was nice to see they had vaguely similar backgrounds. Nice, nice.) Alexa nodded along, though he knew his alt couldn't see him.
"I see, I see! That's exciting! Is it a shrine to a particular loa, if you don't mind me asking?'
dontasktheradiodemon
"... No. They stopped talking to me." Enjoy that five second glimpse at Astor's vulnerable side as, for just a moment, his voice goes odd and flat.
But then he's back to normal haha don't worry about that it didn't happen. "No, it's one of our alternates! The Engineer. My first choice would be to dedicate my shrine to family, but, well! There's no reaching them from Hell, is there? And in lieu of family, alternates are the closest substitute! Anyway, he doesn't strike me as the type to stop taking a supplicant's calls over a handful of murders, ha!"
killstreaming
"Mm." Alexa won't press the conversation this time. Maybe they can chat about it another time. Moving on.
"Oh! I wouldn't have thought to go that route myself, but you're onto something! I suppose you're right! I've come to see him as a sort of guardian figure myself! Not that I've gotten myself into any trouble that's required his assistance -- not yet! Anyway! What's he like as a religious figure?"
dontasktheradiodemon
"Well, his idea of worship is meeting up once a week to paint each other's nails." Astor laughed. "So far, it's all very laid back. That might change someday, but, well. In the meantime, he says that so long as he's only got one worshipper, that worshipper is obligated to put his own well-being first! Which is how any decent relationship ought to work, if you ask me—if you're praying to something that doesn't fuss at you to take care of yourself, then why are you praying to it?"
killstreaming
“Oh, that sounds like a good time.” Alexa chinhands’ed behind his end of the radio. Cute. “I’m pleased on your behalf! And I can’t entirely disagree -- I’m not ready to have anyone but friends fuss over me, but if I was, I’d hope my new god of choice would! Or at least make me /want/ to be a bit less reckless.” Was that a little /too/ much of an admittance about something? Ew, cringe. “Anyway! Congratulations on the new religion, and your new home as well.”
dontasktheradiodemon
"Yes—/exactly/." If it WAS an admittance, Astor didn't recognize it as such; primarily because it wasn't the least bit different from what he'd always felt. For him, religion—TRUE religion, not the hallowed bureaucracy he'd been fed on Sundays—had always been an extension of family. And damn if being without a family didn't make him care that much less about caring for himself. "Yes, thank you, thank you! It's—well—it's been quite a lot of change!"
killstreaming
Right now, there was /one/ person who made Alexa the tiniest bit less reckless, but he wasn't a god, and Alexa wasn't about to talk about his relationship unprompted, so.
"It must be! I can't imagine having to move now, or make any big changes in my home." He glances back at the rest of his house. "Well, I did get an /awful/ new couch, but it comparatively wasn't a huge deal."
dontasktheradiodemon
And just like that his curiosity is piqued. "Well, you can't just /say/ that and then /not/ explain why it's so awful."
killstreaming
Unfortunately for him, Alexa likes to answer questions in ways that raise even more questions! "Well, it's kitsch as all hell, and it gaslights me!"
dontasktheradiodemon
Unfortunately for himself, Astor cracks up and decides to clown back instead of asking for clarification. "And you let it stick around when it's treating you like that?! Why, I'd kick that sorry sofa to the curb! The nerve of it!"
killstreaming
"Tell me about it! What can I say -- I'm a glutton for punishment, a sucker for pain, and this one /hands/ it out well!"
Oh, right, Astor can't see it. "The-- the couch is covered in handprints." Dammit.
dontasktheradiodemon
He can /tell/ that a pun is happening. His anticipation to find out what the pun IS is great enough that when Alexa simply /explains/ it it's enough to get a "Ha!" out of him.
Are they explaining the jokes now? "Okay—all right, now you've got to tell me how a couch is gaslighting you."
killstreaming
Is Alexa going to explain it straightforwardly, or is he going to commit maximum psychic damage? The answer's always the same. "Well, it's got text on it! And the part I can see says 'nobody believes you'!"
dontasktheradiodemon
He cracks up again. "WHY does your couch say 'nobody believes you'?! Where did you get it from, a defense attorney's waiting room?"
killstreaming
THAT sends Alexa reeling with laughter. Okay, Astor's getting the Couch Lore.
"Alright, so what happened was, I went to Hellkea -- have you been? You should consider it if you're looking for furniture, it's like a labyrinth, excellent for forgetting about the neverending taedium of existence, wandering aimlessly until time is an illusion -- anyway, they've got good meatballs!"
"So I went a month or two ago to assuage some wanderlust and acquire meatballs, right, and they've got these /garish/ couches. Apparently they're sexuality pride couches, but what caught my eye was the graphic design disaster of it all!This one's /covered/ in these pink and purple and blue hands -- like a horror movie poster! But kitsch! Awful, I tell you, and to add insult to injury, the /armrests/ are plastic mannequin arms. Naturally, I /had/ to pilfer it."
"And it's got this text on it -- 'when you change 'or' to 'and', nobody believes you' -- more of a bisexuality /angst/ couch than a pride couch if you ask me. I found it irritating. One, I /know/, I don't need the reminder, and two, it feels like the couch is pulling some word-weaseling nonsense!" He put on his best politician voice for the next bit, "~/I'm/ not saying you're this-or-that, I would never, but some people are saying it~ -- no, /you/ are bringing the suggestion light, and avoiding directly saying it by shifting responsibility to a vague other entity! Gaslight me /properly/ and tell me /you/ don't believe me!"
"So anyway, I put pillows over the first half."
dontasktheradiodemon
"Oh, good golly, don't I know it! I burgled the hell out of a Hellkea to stock up my new happy home! I spent a night trapped in there! A night! Anyway, did you see the deer macaroni? I stole spare bags." Always willing to share food.
"Oh, that /is/ irritating. I can't stand it. It's the Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder of bisexuality, and couches. You know what /you/ ought to do—give that couch a taste of its own medicine. Hang a mirror in front of it."
killstreaming
"Did you now! A whole night -- glad it wasn't more! I did not see the deer macaroni, unfortunately! They have that? By the time I'd got the couch and gone back for meatballs, I just wanted to go home."
"Hypoactive... Couch Disorder." That couch looks more hyperactive, actually. "You're right. I'm going to do that and call it an 'art installation'. When the couch gets angry, I can just gaslight it back! ~Why are you upset, sweetheart, it's just modern art~!"
dontasktheradiodemon
"'No, couch, I'm not being passive aggressive, you're just too sensitive!' Uh, hold on a second... let me see... here!"
Plop. Bag of macaroni teleported on Alexa's desk. Technically it's elk-shaped pasta, but when you're trying to sculpt an animal out of chunky noodle lineart the details get vague, it can be deer if you believe. And Astor believes.
killstreaming
Is that a GIFT? A gift from the Cooler Him? Alexa is /beaming/ as he inspects it. Is Alexa going to point out it's technically elk? No. He's too busy being excited about this. "Ooh, how charming! Thank you, my friend!"
dontasktheradiodemon
"Of course, any time!" The Cooler Him appreciates his gift, he's BEAMING. "I confess I'm a sucker for novelty foods, as long as they don't compromise the food quality. ... And sometimes even then if it's funny enough!"
killstreaming
"I'd say I am as well! Admittedly, I haven't poked around for anything new in a while -- I ought to get to perusing the Hellkea food section, it seems!" His mental un-health has been bad enough to nerf this interest, among others, but right now he's feeling the spark to pick it up again. "Oh, the other day I was in this one discount store -- don't judge me, I go for the eclectic kitchenware -- they had artisan pasta shaped like trees and rams and pentagrams. I should have picked it up."
dontasktheradiodemon
Who's he to judge a discount store? They'd be the only place he shopped if he had to use money. "You /should/ have! That stuff's fantastic for showing off a quality sauce, you know! And it's fun to look at. Why aren't more foods cut up to look like other things, that's what I want to know. Why do we only do it with sugar cookies and chicken nuggets? Hasn't society moved past the need for lumpy-shaped foods?"
killstreaming
Astor may be joking around, but Alexa's going to actually give it some consideration. "You're asking an important question, my friend! And shame on me for not having thought of it myself! I don't know!/Ah well, perhaps I'll pick some up next time. I might share when I have you over to get this furniture, actually."
dontasktheradiodemon
"Clearly somebody's falling down on the job of food innovation! We should look into the issue sometime!" Who's joking around? It's 2021 and humanity has put robots on Mars, surely they ought to have pizzas shaped like pigs and bread loaves shaped like flowers by now.
He was being invited over? To the Cooler Him's house?? For food??? "Why, it'd be an honor! Just let me know when!"
killstreaming
"Excellent, count me in!" It would probably be a better way of staving off ennui than hotel management, to be honest.
Did Astor think Alexa was just going to chuck a whole espresso machine (and everything else) via a portal? No way, for many reasons. "Sure! Once I figure out what's up for grabs! Give me... between an hour and two months." Girl, help, his executives are dysfunctioning,
dontasktheradiodemon
Well, yeah, but being invited over for FOOD! He cackled. "Terrific! I'll keep my schedule open!" For the next two months.
killstreaming
"Wonderful!" Wait, executive dysfunction who? The serotonin hot from making plans to have The Cooler Him over has him ready to go through his house immediately, and deep-clean it while he's at it. Unbelievable. "I suppose I'll get to it, then, and let you enjoy your new residence?"
dontasktheradiodemon
"Sure! I've kept you long enough." He said like he was the one who's called Alexa. "Just let me know!"
killstreaming
"Alright, my friend! Will do!" Time to vibrate and declutter!
dontasktheradiodemon
And time for Astor to... well, he's not decluttering, so he'll just vibrate.
two guys going 🙃 and being awkward (9/10/21 chat log)
A conversation between Alastor/Buck (hi there) and Alastor/Alexa (@furby-organist/@killstreaming). So remember when Alexa said “you should turn your junk into a fan” and Buck said “one time i turned my junk into a garbage disposal wanna see” and an hour later Alexa went “I can’t believe I told my alternate to turn his junk into a fan” and Buck went “I can’t believe I showed my alternate my garbage disposal junk”? In a stunning and unprecedented display of mutual emotional maturity, they decide to mutually apologize instead of silently pretend it never happened.
concubuck
"Hi! Hello, am I reaching Alastor? This is your alternate speaking! The one that, uh..." AWKWARD PAUSE. "... The one from last night!" That was the only non-horrible way to identify himself, wasn't it.
killstreaming
Oh. Oh God. Alexa wanted to die significantly less today than he wanted to die last night after the post-clown clarity hit, but the feeling immediately SPIKED. Oh no. (Keep calm.) “Hi! Hello, alternate! Yes, speaking! What can I do for you?” He’s going to get chewed out, he knows it.
concubuck
Oh he answered. Buck had been braced to spend five minutes talking to dead air and never be sure if his alternate was silently listening or just not home. He sort of thinks this might be worse?
"Yes? Well!" Clears his throat. "I thought I ought to address last night before it festers. You see, I, uh..." A nervous pause; and then he sighs. "I—okay, look. Cards on the table: I haven't been human for several years. I'm doing a poor job of remembering human etiquette. Even the basic things, like 'don't send an unsolicited film starring your genitalia to a near stranger.' So—I—wanted to apologize for driving you to drink yourself to sleep."
killstreaming
Oh god, they were talking about last night. /Oh./ He wasn’t being chewed out. “I see. Alright. First and foremost, I appreciate you reaching out.” That meant /Alexa/ didn’t have to reach out. “Understandable and fair on all counts, apology accepted. For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re entirely in the wrong here. What I’ll /mostly/ take you to task for is putting me in a position where I’d have had to deal with the awkwardness of declining /publicly/. But ultimately, moot point.”
“It was on topic, though, wasn’t it? I /started/ it, and for that, I owe /you/ an apology. I shouldn’t have roped you into that conversation to begin with. Admittedly, this sort of absurd lewd banter has become the norm on hotel grounds -- but with /friends I’ve known for a while/. I don’t know you well enough to bring up your genitalia, absurdist meem or not. I was out of line, and I apologize. I didn’t drink because of /you/. I wanted to exit consciousness upon realizing my social ineptitude, for which I have no excuse, as I’m currently human. So.”
concubuck
Apology accepted. Silent BIG sigh of relief. "Yes, I—I do recognize I put you in a no win situation, there. Modern etiquette hasn't yet provided us with a gentlemanly way of saying 'no, sir, I do NOT want to see your #### live and in color!'"
HE was owed an apology? He blinked in bewilderment, doing several rounds of mental gymnastics before he worked out WHY. "Oh! Oh. Yes, that's—right—well, I— Well that's—there you have it, just what I was saying about the difference between succubi and humans. It never even dawned upon me that the subject matter was unusual. In fact, I'm /sure/ I thought something to myself like 'oh! Dismemberment! How refreshing, a conversation that isn't sexual.'" Hi don't mind that slight edge of hysteria to his laughter, it's barely noticeable, hardly there, really. "Well—apology accepted, naturally. No damage was done, didn't even chip the paint."
killstreaming
“Pff--” Alexa cackled loudly, one hand uselessly covering his mouth. Live and in color, indeed. Alright, point made, looked like he and Buck were on the same page. “In retrospect, tuning in with no hesitation wasn’t the most grandiose display of decorum.” /Was/ there a correct way to have handled that? Alexa didn’t think so, so, no apology offered.
It was Alexa’s turn to internally sigh of relief. Good, he hadn’t irreparably weirded Buck out. “Hah, alright! I’m not entitely familiar with succubus etiquette, but I’m glad to hear it cast me in a better light than I otherwise would’ve been!” Oh, wheeze. “Hah, what people are into has never ceased to amaze me. Dismemberment, really. But hey-- I’m fine to say, no harm, no foul. I’m good if you’re good.”
concubuck
"... Mm. Perhaps." Tuning in with no hesitation was, in fact, exactly what he hoped and needed people to do. The suggesting that /watching what he offered to be watched/ was somehow inherently indecorous, as though to consume his content was an act of self-degradation... He shifted uncomfortably and tried to remember whether or not he would have agreed with his alternate back when he was human.
(Did it really matter? Wasn't it a succubus's duty to be a corruptive force? If gazing upon him made people a little dirtier, he was doing his job, right? He told himself that and tried to ignore how uneasy he felt in his skin.)
"It's less accurate to say succubi have etiquette around the topic and more accurate to say they have a near complete lack of barriers or standards. The mere fact I prefer not to cuss on air marks me out as queerly prudish." A rueful laugh. "No harm, no foul."
killstreaming
Good golly, Alexa, how do you eat when you’ve got your foot in your mouth so frequently? And he doesn’t even know this time! He’d intended to strictly critique /himself/, but it did imply something about the person offering, didn’t it? To make matters worse, he was taking Buck’s silence as judgment for being prudish about the matter.
Aaand then he wasn’t. Good, okay, they were fine, he really had to stop getting in his own head. “So you’re telling me it’s absolutely /lawless/ out there!” Dramatic hands to his cheeks. “Humans aren’t that much different -- they find me prudish for it as well. Anyway, my interactions with succubi have been largely business to this point, so I have much to learn about social norms.” There, a shield in case he shows his ass in the future.
concubuck
"Oh, succubi don't have much in the way of social norms worth learning." Which was probably a grave disservice to succubi for him to say, but he wasn't currently feeling very charitable to his own state of existence. "I interact with humans to interact with humans. Don't let me get out of line."
killstreaming
“Right, well.” And /that/ conversational door had been shut in his face. His smile thinned into a tight V. “Understood. Call me out if I’m out of line as well.” (He’d like to think his excuse is that he’s barely resocialized, but he doesn’t think it holds much water.)
concubuck
"I doubt you will be, but—yes. Of course."
He realized, a bit too late, that he'd come across as more dismissive than he'd intended to. He ought to offer /something/ more. "The thing is just that there is, as far as I can tell, nothing taboo to say among succubi. If a complete stranger says 'hi, how are you' and the other replies 'I caught something from this b##### and now my c### itches like a mother####er," of the two, the only one that said something surprising is the one who asked how the other is. So, there's—there's very little that /can/ be said wrong. Actions, /physical/ actions, can cross the line, but words are weightless. Almost meaningless, even."
killstreaming
“I-- pfft.” Buck’s sample of succubus dialogue threw Alexa off for a bit, he hadn’t been expecting that. Okay, give him a second, maybe you can hear him stifle another laugh.
“Really! No boundaries around oversharing whatsoever! Fascinating, and oddly reassuring! It’s not even that lax on hotel grounds!” And, well, Buck had gotten a glimpse of how wild those could get. “Look --all cards on the table, right?-- people think they can talk to my husband every which way because of his profession. Forgive me if I kick myself too easily over doing the same; it’s not a critique of succubus standards.”
concubuck
"Very few boundaries, at any rate. Personally, I think their could stand to be a few more. But when you're walking down the street, some oversexed pedestrian says 'hey there succuc###, wanna s### off my c###?' and you find yourself thinking 'do I have enough time for that?' instead of the more reasonable 'should I decapitate him or just give him a swift kick,' well... At that point you have to concede that the standards you think you should have and the standards you actually have no longer overlap, don't you?"
Which was a far more horrifying thing than he'd intended to admit. So he hurried on, "So—anyway, I appreciate the gentlemanly inclination; but don't beat yourself up too much over a comment that didn't even faze me, won't you? I'd hate for my own alternate to suffer needlessly on my behalf!"
killstreaming
Alexa wasn’t /judging/ Buck -- by what standards does one judge an entire other species & their cultural norms? it is what it is, -- but the divide between them was beginning to feel a bit more /present/. And did he want to hear about an acquaintance contemplating blowing a pedestrian? Not really, but he’d chalk it up to aforementioned cultural norm. He laughed to shake it off, and hoped it didn’t come out too awkward.
“Alright, alright, fair enough! Point taken. Don’t worry about me, then. And /you/ don’t beat yourself up either, alright? I don’t have much reassurance to offer other than that it takes a /lot/ to genuinely offend me, and I’d like to think I’m charitable regarding cultural differences.” He fidgeted, hoping he hadn’t said anything wrong. “I mean, because I /would/ like to keep getting to know you.” Did that sound like a come-on? If that came off like a come-on, he’d eat his whole foot. (The other one, the one he /hasn’t/ already stuck in his mouth.)
concubuck
It kind of did sound like a come on. But of the two Alastors who had watched his video, this was the one who HADN'T offered to fist him, and on top of that Buck didn't WANT it to be a come on, so he was going to take it on faith that it wasn't. "And I'd certainly like to keep getting to know you!" ... He hoped THAT didn't sound like a come on. "Ideally with less amateur pornography this time around."
killstreaming
Alexa almost made that stupid joke about waiting until the second date for that sort of thing (third if he's feeling REALLY old-fashioned), but no. Buck wasn't /in/ on the fact that Alexa was resigned from dating altogether. /That/ would be taken as a come-on.
"Ha! Sure, fair, sounds good. Now, I don't know how you feel about coffee, but if you'd ever like to meet for a cup, offer's on the table." Just whenever was good. (Something something morning afters are only awkward if you make them awkward, let me be a gentleman and handle breakfast -- it made more sense in his head. It was funny in his head. But really, a friendly coffee chat sometime would be nice.)
concubuck
"I'm practically powered by the stuff! Coffee sometime sounds delightful." And then, just because that really did sound like it could be a date, he added, "And since you're a married man, I'm going to trust that it's /only/ going to be coffee!" Little lighthearted joke—what's a marriage worth in hell with a succubus around?—but by God, he was determined to meet ONE alternate in person and keep it platonic.
killstreaming
"Good, that seems to be one thing we all have in common!" Coffee fiends, the herd of them.
This was probably /not/ the time to 'actually, it's an open marriage', oh well, Buck was just going to have to get blindsided next time Alexa wilded on voxblr. "Haha! Yes, yes, that's all, just a friendly chat over coffee. Unless the bakery items catch my eye -- then it's over coffee /and/ a croissant." Scandalous. Hey, some of those places made a mean pain au chocolat.
concubuck
"Well, who am I to say no to a croissant!" Okay, this was okay, they'd navigated this mess successfully and were coming out of it on the same page. Hah. Good. Good job, team.
killstreaming
"Aha! I’ll be looking forward to it. Just reach out whenever's good.” Well done, everyone. Crisis very much averted! The deersasters are going to be okay.
Two alternates attempt to apologize to each other, get confused by the fact that THE OTHER one is trying to apologize, and leave the conversation going “the Cooler Me must think I’m the absolute worst.” When will somebody tell them that they like each other a lot. When.
killstreaming
After today’s lovely misunderstanding, Alexa feels like shit. He’s still reeling from the gunshots, and he feels like shit for ruining their little game. Alexa is now very drunk to cope with this. He has been all day since then, actually, with no intent of sobering up anytime soon!
Moreover, Drunk Alastor has decided the way to remedy this situation is by radiocalling his alternate. This is a great idea, and will go /oh so well/, he can feel it.
“Hel-lo? Hi. Hello. It’s me. May I have a word?”
dontasktheradiodemon
Alastor’s stomach dropped. Ah, the OTHER Other Him was calling now. Time to make an ass of himself some more, he supposed. Deep breath, buddy.
“Yes yes—hello me, it’s you! Yes, what can I do for you?” As if he didn’t know.
killstreaming
Oh goody, his alt seemed to have a positive attitude towards him. Good start.
“Off the top of my head? Not hold this conversation against me.” Alexa knows he’s two steps from saying something stupid. He’s Experienced at this drinking thing and he Knows.
“/I/ am calling to /apologize./ Sorry for ruining your game with our other!” Oh man, wouldn’t it be nice for that to be it! Just hang up and exit the phonecall vicinity! He’ll wait for a reply, though.
dontasktheradiodemon
Holding it against him?
“Oh! No. No no no. No, you two were... you were... having one of your moments, and there I was butting myself in! Like a bull in a china shop! A bull with a BB gun. I should have had the sense to bow out.”
killstreaming
“Uh, /no/. No, we weren’t.” You can’t see it, obviously, but he’s gesturing dramatically on his end. “If I wanted privacy, I’d have made arrangements privately.” He had learned after the last time!
“/I/ should have bowed out! From the beginning! I don’t do well with being shot at. That’s, that’s on me.”
dontasktheradiodemon
“You—but...” Hold on while he puzzles through that. “But you ASKED to be shot at?”
killstreaming
“Uh--” Give him a second. Give him another second.
“Not-- not /literally/! I was being /outrageous/ on the voxblr as a means to acquire my friend’s location.”
dontasktheradiodemon
“Well—!” Well, what did Alastor say to that. The conversation hadn’t been FOR HIM. “Well, I... didn’t know that. Nobody told me.” He’d feel stupid again if he’d ever stopped feeling stupid in the first place. “If you’d said so I’d have left.”
killstreaming
“Alright, but, I wouldn’t /want/ you to leave. Nor did I want to look like a coward by sitting the game out! A radio demon who can’t handle a little friendly fire? /Embarrassing!/” That’s the sound of him sliding to the floor dramatically.
dontasktheradiodemon
“Hey now, what’s embarrassing about not wanting to get shot at? It’s getting shot at! That’s like... that’s like /getting shot at/!” He doesn’t even have drunkenness as an excuse, that’s just how he’s talking apparently. “Who wants to shoot at someone who’s not into it?”
A pause. “Granted, I shoot at people who don’t want to be shot at all the time—but those are strangers, I don’t care whether or not THEY’RE having fun.”
killstreaming
Give him ANOTHER moment. Astor is making complete sense, but it might not register fully. Right now, Alexa is a jumble of bad feelings and bourbon.
“You make a /point/,” he’s Gesturing like a drunk girl in a club bathroom, “but /you/ handle gunfire fine. So, it’s a /tad/ embarrassing if I get /spooked/ to the point I need to be /defended/, in front of you.” In front of The Cooler Him.
dontasktheradiodemon
“I spooked you?” Now he feels EVEN WORSE. Spooked his OWN ALTERNATE. The COOLER one. And he’d known the other other him had been full of shit with his whole “playing the role” spiel.
“I only handle it fine when—Well. I have to be in the right mindset for it. If some stranger’s pointing a rifle at my face, say...” But no need to get too deep into that. “Anyway, I’d—expected you two to SAY something if you didn’t want to be shot at. At least on a private frequency, to save face. I wish you hadn’t just let me.”
killstreaming
“I /thought/ I could /handle/ it,” he grumps. Astor is out here feeling bad, Alexa is being defensive about it, great!
“Oh, I'd say Leal /was/ up for it! And I don’t like to be a wet sock when my alternates are having fun! I overestimated myself; I should have said something and sat this one out with Valera while you two had at it. That’s completely on me, not you, so, I apologize.”
dontasktheradiodemon
“Well.” Well. “Now I know.” And he’d be more cautious about hopping in in the future. IF he hopped in in the future. “I’m fairly certain I was the wet sock. Or the sock-soaker, anyway.”
killstreaming
And Alexa would be more careful about what he involved himself in when he knew damn well he didn't always handle it well. "Mmmmmmm, nope! No, no, you weren’t.”
dontasktheradiodemon
“Don’t be polite on my account. I was.” Deep breath. “Well. Sorry. What I get for inviting myself to someone else’s shindig, isn’t it?”
killstreaming
"Why are /you/ apologizing? That's what /I'm/ calling for. I'm not doing this as a formality!" He's got that catty drunk musical theatre vibe going on. "/I/ messed up. It was /publicly advertised/, it's fair game, and you'd better not resign yourself in the future or I will personally drag you from your corner of the multiverse if I have to."
dontasktheradiodemon
“Well, you /shouldn’t/ be apologizing! It wasn’t publicly advertised, it was publicly /warned./ There was no invitation! I just let myself in!”
killstreaming
"Yes, I should! I put you in a bad position! Are you /messing/ with me? I let myself in, too! We're all friends, who cares!"
dontasktheradiodemon
“Yes but, you let yourself in first! And you clearly have priority, you’ve got... WHATEVER the hell you two have got! ... And I don’t.”
killstreaming
"There isn’t a radio demon quota. I let myself in first, and the gate opens for everyone else to join in! Isn’t that usually how it works?” He’s going to pointedly /not/ address whatever he has with Leal for the time being.
dontasktheradiodemon
“I don’t think so, no. Not always.” Well, he shouldn’t have brought it up. THEY didn’t bring it up. “Anyway. Sorry I spoiled the fun. Sorry I shot at you.”
killstreaming
"I don't think you have anything to apologize for, but I'll take it. Sorry I didn't pass on the game when I should have. Sorry I reacted badly and ruined it."
dontasktheradiodemon
“Well... All right, then. I suppose that’s that.”
killstreaming
"Mm. I'm good if you're good." Well, as close to good as possible.
dontasktheradiodemon
“To be frank, no, not terribly, but I suspect that’s the condition all around, isn’t it!” LISTEN to that carefully practiced chipperness.
killstreaming
And that knocks Alexa right out of whatever forthcoming tone he had and into something nearly as performative. "I meant I'm good with /you/! But hey!" If the sentiment wasn't reciprocated, which he suspected was a possibility, there was nothing Alexa could really do at the moment, anyway.
"Is there anything you'd like to discuss, before I head back to the hotel?" He did have to hang up at some point, but he didn't want to truncate it, if Astor has anything on his mind.
dontasktheradiodemon
“Oh!” And that knocks him right back OUT of his performative tone. “Wh—Yes, of course you are. Why wouldn’t you be?” (You know, like his alternate hadn’t just spent the whole conversation explaining why he wouldn’t be. Apparently it hadn’t sunk in.)
killstreaming
He's going to take that at face value. "Exactly, why wouldn't I be! Same page, all good, then! I suppose this is where I wish you adieu?"
↯ "You ought to try combining freezing with shattering! Imagine a poor sinner on the receiving end of that!" 🌸 He means like the liquid nitrogen videos where they freeze otherwise non-shattering objects and then shatter them with a sledgehammer.
🎶 Inspired! And here the closest I’d gotten was shooting icicles through windows! Let me see what I can shatter that should definitely not be shatterable!
