Here's How Kim Theerapanyakul Qualifies as a Greek Tragic Hero:
I accidentally came up with this thesis statement while chatting with @shou-jpeg (as per usual) and they encouraged me to expand on it... so here's the outcome of my academic fandom ramblings!
From page 17 of “The Poetics of Aristotle”, as translated by S.H. Butcher:
1. A perfect tragedy should, as we have seen, be arranged not on the simple but on the complex plan. It should, moreover, imitate actions which excite pity and fear, this being the distinctive mark of tragic imitation. It follows plainly… that the change of fortune presented must not be the spectacle of a virtuous man brought from prosperity to adversity: for this moves neither pity nor fear; it merely shocks us.
Layman's Translation: The perfect tragedy is complicated. No matter what story is used, the main emotional payout should be pity and fear for the Hero. In order to achieve this, you cannot simply punish a good man for no reason. Shock will not induce catharsis [emotional release].
2. Nor, again, that of a bad man passing from adversity to prosperity: for nothing can be more alien to the spirit of Tragedy; it possesses no single tragic quality; it neither satisfies the moral sense nor calls forth pity or fear.
Layman's Translation: A bad man cannot receive good fortune. That goes against the entire point of tragedy and will only frustrate the audience further.
3. Nor, again, should the downfall of the utter villain be exhibited. A plot of this kind would, doubtless, satisfy the moral sense, but it would inspire neither pity nor fear; for pity is aroused by unmerited misfortune, fear by the misfortune of a man like ourselves. Such an event, therefore, will be neither pitiful nor terrible.
Layman's Translation: The story cannot end with the downfall of an obvious villain. It satisfies the audience’s desire for justice but doesn’t leave them pitying the Hero or fearing the story’s eventual outcome. Once again, this ending would be void of catharsis/emotional release.
4. There remains, then, the character between these two extremes,—that of a man who is not eminently good and just,- yet whose misfortune is brought about not by vice or depravity, but by some error or frailty. He must be one who is highly renowned and prosperous,—a personage like Oedipus, Thyestes, or other illustrious men of such families.
Layman's Translation:
A good Tragic Hero must:
Be royalty or nobility (he might also come from a well-known or wealthy family).
Be morally grey (if he is too Good or too Bad it will prevent the audience from projecting onto him and achieving catharsis).
Cause his own downfall or “catastrophe” by making a mistake (an extension of his Hamartia, or “error” / ”inherent flaw”).
So how does Kim fulfill the requirements of a Tragic Hero?
He is from a well-known family and has an image to keep in check. Because of his role as Wik/an idol, Kim must present himself as a kind or at least pleasant person to the general public. Much like Oedipus or Electra, Kim has an outward persona whose specific responsibilities play a role in his fall to hubris.
a. As Kimhan Theerapanyakul he is required to do his father’s bidding on some level. We know he’s at least somewhat beholden to Korn from the scene with Tankhun screaming, “I don’t know where they [Porsche and Chay] have gone!”
2. Does it get any more morally grey than a guy willing to kill a dozen men in cold blood (with his bare hands) to protect his pseudo-ex-boyfriend? Or date an underclassman fanboy only to commit minor felonies against him/his family? Or go against his father (rebellion against the family is a BIG no-no in Greek Tragedy!!!) and attempt to escape the fate of his bloodline?
3. I doubt this part really needs explaining… But trying to protect Chay by lying to his face and destroying their relationship, only to turn around and beg for Chay’s forgiveness via blatant musical plagiarism, is probably Hamartia at its finest.
4. It's Kim! He is "a man who is not eminently good and just,- yet whose misfortune is brought about not by vice or depravity, but by some error or frailty". His greatest loss is brought about by his own poor decision making and furious need for freedom/independence. His determined self-flagellation only ever hurts the people around him while we as the audience scream for him to stop. He qualifies for the Tragic Sadboy Squad!
I have forgotten what i was originally talking about, but i think my point was kim isn't rude to people for no reason. (this will probably become off topic sorry in advance 😔🙏)
When Big first goes to see Kim, when Kim asks who it is Big doesn't say ' its Big' he says 'its me' which if they were at least somewhat
close/friendly/on good terms would make sense. I don't imagine you would usually introduce yourself with 'its me' to your boss which is part of the mafia, seems a little disrespectful/too informal?
Also Kim is clearly aware of Big's feelings of Kinn so unless Big is going around being very obvious to the point where even Kim who does not interact
with the mafia side that often to the point Kinn says they haven't seen each other in ages knows about it
(like before big clearly no one is giving Kim information on what is happening inside the compound so he would have to be going there himself)
(you cant tell me if Tankhun knew about Big's feelings he wouldn't make a whole thing about it. if he did know, i have completely forgotten it)
I think Kim has to have possibly been paired with big at some point before as his bodyguard (Kim doesn't seem to have had any bodyguard previous to big showing up so maybe like when Kim lived at the compound?)
also big doesn't seem shocked to know Kim knows his feelings more just resigned to Kim's comments. Kim has probably teased Big like this before (or Big has just been teased with this before in general not necessarily from Kim, but I feel Big would have more of a reaction if this was the first time Kim has said something like this).
Kim clearly trusts Big enough to ask Big to get him information on the Kittisawats
next time we see Big and Kim, Kim dismisses Big as soon as he hands the folder on Porsche over, but I think in this moment Kim's probably a little angry that his Wik stuff is being mixed up with the mafia (cause he thinks Chay is a spy and he clearly sees Chay's picture before dismissing big)
-side not the only time we really see Kim like angry is when he finds Chay about to take drugs. I think Kim isn't someone who doesn't really outwardly display he is angry unless he is already bottling stuff up for a while. I don't think he really shows big emotions that frequently. The main times I remember are when he kisses Chay, when he is in the recording booth and runs out, when he stops Chay taking drugs, crying over Chays polariods, finding out Chay (and Porsche) are missing, and singing why dont you stay.
Back to Big, next is when Kim asks him to investigate Porsche and Chay's parents, Kim isn't really rude or anything to Big this entire scene, Kim says/(asks if) Big watches too many movies but thats it, Kim makes 'jokes' but they arent about Big they're about Porsche and Chay possibly being their fathers mistresses children, which is a wild accusation to make to just a random bodyguard.
Kim and Bigs last scene, Kim doesn't do anything else to prep for going in to rescue Chay, no going to the compound to stock up on guns/ammo/bullet proof vest(that we see but if he did i assume he would've told Kinn and they would've gone together), but he does bring Big with him. (which Big wasn't at Chay's house, so Kim had to have directly messaged Big at some point, Kim didn't bother with getting any other help than Big, that's a pretty big level of trust?)
Then Big gets stabbed by Tawan and you hear Kim curse at Tawan for it and then he (tries) to shoot him, misses and leaves with Chay cause his gun is empty. That's the last interaction of Kim and Big.
Overall I think Kim and Big are maybe not friends, but something resembling it. For someone so gaurded and stand offish and cold to others (in the mafia) Kim seems to trust Big a lot. Kim being mean/rude to Big seems more like playful teasing to me,(that doesn't sound right but I can't think of another way to word it) Rather than actually trying to maliciously hurt Big. Yes he is a dick to Big, but there is way more to their dynamic than just 'Kim is an asshole to Big'.
Kim with other bodyguards:
The first time we see Kim and Chan Kim is snooping through Korn's office. Chan walks in with Korn but neither interact with each other in this scene. Their next interaction is when Kim finds out Chay is missing but Chan stops him from going to find Chay (by saying Korn wants to see him) Kim stops when Chan calls his name, something he would probably just ignore if it was any other guard calling out to him, Kim doesn't try to argue or refuse Chan when he clearly does not want to go see his father at the moment (During this scene Kim does roughly shove his car keys into one of the bodyguards standing at the doorway once Chan calls him inside.) Chan presumably sits in on this meeting but the audience never find out what it was about.
Next is when Korn 'dies'. Kim is pretty stoic during this scene, he comforts his brothers but doesn't really show much emotion himself (compared to Tankhun and Kinn). Until he looks at Chan. The reason for the look he and Chan share is unknown, but I like the theory they both knew Korn was faking it.
I don't think theres a lot to say with Chan, Kim probably has to respect him as head bodyguard, since Kim is so good at fighting it's possible Chan trained him, but overall their relationship isn't really shown. Kim is never disrespectful/rude to Chan unless you count not interacting with him that first scene.
The part about where Kim 'rips Pol off Khun's arm' I assume you are talking about when Kim finds out Chay is missing? Kim just kinda pushes Pol back not really off of Tankhun specifically, it seems more like Pol was just in the way and Kim was trying to talk to Tankhun about Chay missing, Kim doesn't try to move Arm away from Khun at all and Arm and Pol were holding him the same way. There's not really anything to say about this as it's more about Kim and Tankhun than Pol. I mean it is rude to push someone like this but again Kim is clearly having a bad time right here and he seems to already be annoyed/angry even before he hears about Chay missing. So while I would count this as Kim being rude, he is also clearly agitated here but it's nothing to do with Pol.
The 'Filmania Kim coming to swap cars and the guards look happy to see him and then dissapointed when he leaves as soon as he swaps the cars' is funny, cause in BOC version I think someone states Kim is the worst brother to work for. (or was this a fanfiction and i am making things up?) Beause we never got that filmania version I don't really know what to think but I am choosing to believe some bodyguards are Wik stans.
I think Kim thinks he is above the bodyguards (he was most likely raised to think this way), he clearly has no problem pushing/shoving them out the way or insulting them/being direspectful to them, but he doesn't do that all the time. He pushes Pol cause Pol is in the way of him talking to Tankhun, he forcibly shoves the keys back at another bodyguard when he is angry about not being about to rush to find Chay, but he isn't just going around shoving and pushing them all the time. He speaks to Big rudely but its not like Kim is insulting Big during their every interaction, it's mainly just their first interaction, after that Kim doesn't seem as mean when they interact, probably cause he has decided he can trust Big after that first interaction.
Kim is a rich mafia heir, he likely grew up not really respecting the bodyguards and then also grew up to resent and dislike them as being part of the mafia, and being surronded by them reminds him who he will always be no matter how hard he tries to not be. But to any other bodyguard outside the ones mentioned Kim probably just ignores them, only interacts if he has to, and despite how nosy he is doesn't bother learning about them enough to insult them, I think Big is just a special case cause he was Kinn's head guard.
Inspector Manop:
The first thing Kim does is interrupts Manops blessing. Kim is straight to the point about why he is there. Kim doesn't talk to the monks who explain Manop has Alzheimer's. Kim doesn't directly say he will do something to Manops daughter but there is an implied threat he will do something if Manop doesn't cooperate with him. Manop says it was Kim father. The scene ends. Kim is rude here, he clearly doesn't mind threatening people. He knows Manop is covering something up and he wants answers so of course he is rude.
Kim's uni friends:
The guy who introduces him at the open day, they do one of those bro hugs and then Kim preforms. (During the quiz portion he looks at Kim every time to see if the answer is right, so like did Kim pick the questions? If the other guys did would he not have also already gotten the answers from Kim?)
After the quiz the guy is clearly teasing Kim about something, he nudges Kim and asks 'So?' and Kim smiles and says 'What?' like how you would deflect when a friend is teasing you. When Chay walks up Kim's friend speaks for him. We don't see Kims friends reaction to Kim signing Chay shirt except for the end where Chay walks away he is smiling at Kim.
I think it's implied this friend is who Chay gets Kim's address from.
We see this friend again when Kim comes to uni for once. Kim seems to be walking straight to this guy so I'd assume when he does show up this is who he hangs out with. The guy teases Kim about actually showing up to class and Kim calls him nosy. The friend then asks about the kid Kim tutored, but he clearly was there when Kim initially turned him down so Kim had to have explained something about why he changed his mind to this guy, they have to talk somewhat often for him to know Chay is being tutored by Kim but not often enough that he had asked outside of uni why Chay never came back after passing the interview. We never see this guy again, Kim seems comfortable and friendly with him, he isn't rude beyond playfully calling him nosy.
The guy playing piano. Kim greets him with 'what's up bro' weird thing to say to a stranger but this is the only time we see piano guy so I'd assume they are friends but probably not as close as the other guy. Kim says that this is his personal rehearsal room, which I took to mean that he lets the other guy use it cause they are friends (but if that's the case why does Kim explain he is putting more guitars in there? why does the other guy need to know?) They seem close calling each other 'bro'. Kim isn't rude.
I'm also going to include when Kim first meets Chay at the open day cause at that point Chay is a random fan.
Chay walks up to Kim and his friend and Kim looks unsure of what to do and look to his friend for help? Kim sighs heavily when his friend says there are no more shirts, Kim seems disappointed for this fan who knew a lot of details not getting a prize. When Chay goes to walk away Kim is quick to offer him something else. Kim seems happy to offer this. Until Chay asks for Kim to tutor him, Kim is taken aback. Chay goes to leave, upset again. Kim stops him again. Kim writes his signature on Chays uniform with no warning. Chay seems shocked. If this is cause Wik is touching him or cause Wik just made his uniform dirty and unwearable without washing the signature off it is unclear. Kim says he hopes Chay gets into the uni. Once Kim finishes writing Chay is excited and giggles walking away. Kim has a big grin as Chay walks away.
Kim is very generous here. He technically doesn't need to reward Chay, it isn't his fault there were only three shirts. Chay was going to walk away twice. Kim offers him 'something else' and lets Chay pick. Chay chooses something Kim can't agree to, and before he can walk away Kim stops him again. It is rude to draw on someone's clothes without asking especially when its a school uniform that will need to be washed. Kim is (mostly) not rude here. I think it is safe to say this is how he would treat his fans in general.
Outside of his brothers and Chay I think this is all his interactions(not including when he goes to rescue Chay from Tawan and shoot at Vegas, or when he hits Chays clubbing friends).
Kim can be seen as rude in specific situations (interacting with friends/whatever he and Big are/when he is angry/when he wants something/information during his investigation -which is what i would call his first time tutoring Chay when he keeps trying to leave) but I don't think Kim is generally rude. I think Kim is mainly rude when it comes to situations involving the mafia. Outside of the mafia Kim seems like a pretty friendly and somewhat playful guy.
You have no idea how excited I am for the next chapter of Progression. I think Kim coming out as an ace (to anyone or to himself only) will do wonders for his mental wellbeing. He might feel awkward with some things that allos have no issue with (openly flirting, sexual innuendos, him being inexperienced etc.) and him realising that he is not "weird" but just ace, thus perceiving these things differently, will be relief for him. I am so glad you are writing it like that, because it is so rare to find fic with ace character and his asexuality being discussed like that. Thank you for that. Now I think Kim should make a cake like Nam did:D. But with ace colors. I love how she is proud of her identity and makes it a point of conversation whenever she feels like it. And Kim should be too:D. He deserves to be comfortable in his own skin even in this aspect of his life.
Hello! I think having more understanding about himself and not feeling completely different from everyone else will help too. I think he is starting to become a little more aware that he and Chay - while sexually compatible - also approach and view sex differently. Chay, of course, sees sex with Kim as the best sex he has ever had. There is a strong emotional connection he simply hasn't had with the many partners he had prior to his reconciliation with Kim. Sex was likely somewhat lacking, which may be part of the reason why Chay overdid it - he felt turned on, but emotionally unfulfilled. That being said, he still fantasizes about Kim, worships him in bed, and gets significantly turned on by making Kim feel good.
Sex for Kim is very different. I think it's clear that he likes sex with Chay a LOT, but it takes on a different meaning for him. He enjoys the closeness and intimacy, things he thought he would never have with anyone due to trust issues. He does find Chay physically attractive, but he is more attracted to the bond and closeness he and Chay have developed. Sex helps that bond become closer in their case, and it feels good. But Kim also probably finds kissing, writing music, cooking, and going on day trips with Chay just as enjoyable. The same physical sensations might not be there, but activities like that strongly nurture his closeness and bond with Chay. He likely falls somewhere in between sex favorable asexual and demisexual, not clearly fitting in either. On top of that, both categories are in a grey area. So Kim may do a lot of back and forth on that.
I do think I may include ArmKhun in Kim's journey, who - at least in this story - are both likely demisexual. But it does present itself a little differently in each case. Arm is more likely to find someone physically/sexually attractive from a distance, but would never do something sexual with someone unless he built a strong bond with them. Tankhun actually has a sexual history prior to his kidnapping (fooled around and made out with different people at random, but was monogamous with a girlfriend he had and went further with her) before facing significant trauma shortly after this period of his life, which reshaped his identity and made it so he needed absolute trust before even considering sex to be a possibility. He also likely has some self-worth issues he was hiding due to how he was perceived and treated.
I think Kim has witnessed both of them flirt with each other and check each other out though. It doesn't exactly match how he operates. He definitely looks at Chay, but it's usually with love and sometimes low-key giddiness (like during their impromptu vacation where they kept getting smiley and sidetracked). It isn't really with lust. If there is sexual arousal there, it is definitely a secondary emotion/sensation that does not take away from the primary need to just be close with Chay. So Kim may lean slightly more towards an asexual sex favorable/positive identity from an objective standpoint. But at the same time, he might struggle with fully understanding that label when he also sees himself as someone who needs a strong emotional connection, love, and trust before having sex with that person. He also may struggle with it when he has - in the past - used hypothetical fantasies of being with someone he loves (prior to Chay, this was likely just an ideal partner he made up in his head) and occasionally porn to come to a release while alone.
I think it will be a confusing, but eye opening journey for him! He definitely realizes he needs love, trust, and understanding before having sex. Now it comes down to analyzing how he operates in comparison to the other people around him. I also think Chay will be confused and concerned at first (Has he been faking it? Does he not like what we are doing? Why didn't he say anything, wtf?) but will ultimately be accepting and educate himself - probably while Kim is still educating himself. Kim may also realize he can't just pick one or another and go with a label that is more vague but can sort of allude to both.
Thank you for your ask, anon! I really appreciate it, because, like Kim, I am trying to figure out exactly where he falls too!
I really love the way you write each character in Progression. This latest chapter made me think a lot, mainly because I somehow didn't expect for Kinn to have this trauma. It is somehow interesting how Kim and Kinn are very different in this regard. Kim was virgin, was sexually assaulted and now he is considering bottoming for Chay (all by himself and because he wants to). Meanwhile there is Kinn, who was also sexually assaulted (but we don't know more info yet) but he also has high bodycount and is no virgin (he can have sex without love) and yet he didn't tried bottoming in all his sexual life. It is such interesting parallel and I am now truly worried about Kinn and about that incident. This story is so great and I am looking forward to more:D
Hello, anon! Thank you for your message and kind words about the story and my depiction of the characters! It really means a lot, and I'm glad so many seem intrigued at the depiction of Kim being a victim in this regard. I wasn't sure how readers would view it since he is portrayal is often viewed as a masculine and strong leader who can display a short fuse. But I also felt like this was a good reason to give him a background such as this to contrast from the abuse against Kim in this story.
While I won't reveal Kinn's sexual trauma (yet), I will lay out a rough timeline to explore why he responded the way he did to it.
Tankhun's, Kinn's, and Kim's mother died suddenly. Regardless of whether she passed from natural causes or not, this would be incredibly traumatic. I know the ages in the books differ from the vague ones on screen. But in Progression, I feel like Khun is around 31, Kinn is 29, and Kinn is 22 going on 23. But when their mother passed, Khun was close to 16 going on 17, Kinn was 14, and Kim was about 7 or 8. They were very young. Considering she was likely a dual presence (a fierce leader, protector, and business woman, but also a nurturing mother) this would have been a huge loss. It would have created a massive hole no one even tried to fill but Milan, but she could only do so much with the tension in between the families. Since Kinn aligns himself with his mother in the first episode, I imagine he was close to her. I also imagine more responsibilities were forced on Khun when it came to being the heir, taking care of his brothers, etc. Korn likely distanced himself - maybe from guilt, maybe from grief, or maybe because he did not prioritize caring for three grieving sons. But Kinn was old enough and close enough in age to Tankhun to understand the stress likely on his oldest brother and and his father. Since Kim is too young to hold in his grief effectively, Kinn likely held in everything.
Kinn is sexually assaulted in some manner by a very prominent businessman and investor. This is all we know so far, but it happened a couple of months after his mother's death. He is forcing every feeling down to not be a burden that he tells no one. He is old enough to know "it could have been worse." He knows Khun would not let it go. He probably has no idea how his father might address it. He may respond with vengeance, or he may dismiss it due to the role this man has in their lives. He does not want to jeopardize Khun's well-being or put stress on his father, not when they have bigger things to tend to. Despite likely still loving his aunt, cousins, and possibly even uncle at this point, he still can't fully trust them due to being raised not to. He has so many people he could tell, but feels like he can tell no one.
Six months after being assaulted, Khun is kidnapped. Kinn faces his brother and protector possibly being dead and is actively being prepared to become the new heir. These potential responsibilities become incredibly real when he becomes solely responsible for Kim in a safe room. Kim is inconsolable due to feeling more of an attachment to Khun, as well as losing his mother roughly eight months before. He's a child and can't control his emotions under such a high magnitude of trauma. As much as Kinn tries, he can't either. He's 15, already has had two horrifically traumatic things happen to him in eight months, and now faces possibly losing his brother and becoming heir. He loses control and screams at Kim, saying cruel things to him until locking himself in the bathroom. It is an incident Kinn remains deeply ashamed of and never forgave himself for. He realizes he doesn't like not being in control. He doesn't like being wrong.
A few weeks later, Khun returns traumatized and shows signs of significant and complex PTSD, which causes a secondary diagnosis of agoraphobia. Kinn is informed within a couple of months that Khun will no longer be heir and that he will be. He feels less control than ever, resentment against things and people he probably can't quite identify, and now feels he can't lean on anyone since he can't do that anymore. People can only depend on him.
All of these things happen in less than a year. While he eventually finds "love" with Tawan, he never finds it within him to express what happened. Part of it is likely Tawan never challenging their roles in the bedroom, another part of it could be Kinn subconsciously finding something off about their relationship but being too blinded by his feelings that he can't evaluate it further. He was also likely very young while involved with Tawan - late teens to early twenties. It wasn't enough time to identify how much his sexual trauma shaped him - or the rest of the trauma he experienced that year. All he knows is that he needs to be the one in control. When he finds out about Tawan's betrayal, this further traumatizes Kinn and makes him more guarded and quick to anger than ever. After that, he mostly engaged in sex that he has full control of. He ensures this by paying for it. He treats these men well enough and makes sure they get home safely, but he does not explore what he may or may not like in the bedroom, nor do the men he pays to have sex with fit his type. They are much more delicate and have a smaller build than Tawan and Porsche do. He probably yearns for someone who challenges him (like Porsche ends up doing), but his trauma and upbringing cannot allow that.
As for Porsche...I feel like out of everyone, he could truly confide in Porsche. But so much time has passed and Kinn has been so conditioned by his father, his circumstances, and by himself that he has no idea how to express that trauma to the love of his life. Porsche is sweet with him and happy with their sex life, but probably would appreciate switching things up occasionally. I think part of Porsche recognizes there may be a very complex reason as to why they haven't tried it the other way around yet, but Kinn isn't talking. He is kind to Porsche, but likely gently pushes the conversation to the side. I don't think he has ever planned on telling Porsche, despite how far they have come and how serious their relationship is at this point. However, a few of their huge initial conflicts were rooted in Kinn's need for control.
One of these instances was sexual in nature and a form of assault inflicted on Porsche. Despite Porsche being the one to "pursue" Kinn, he was under the influence and could not consent. His feelings the following day are troubled and complicated, as are Kinn's. Kinn apologized for this transgression twice. Porsche forgave him and fell in love with him once seeing a much more genuine side of Kinn, but he was only able to see it once Kinn no longer had control and they established some semblance of equality in the forest. Despite that, I feel like the event brings Kinn a lot of guilt. It is also an example of how destructive Kinn can be when he feels out of control but HAS to maintain some semblance of it in order to not be knocked down from his position of power - a position he strived for and obtained after being forced to make it a goal.
The TL;DR on that last paragraph is that Kinn likely has not confided in Porsche about this particular trauma (or that eventful year in general) because he feels like he has no right after crossing that boundary with Porsche. The circumstances were much different, and Kinn's complex and untreated/not understood trauma likely led up to something like that, but it still happened.
He definitely never planned on telling Kim. But with Kim and Kinn both becoming more open with each other and re-evaluating their pasts in their own respective ways, I think this has shifted something in Kinn just enough for him to blurt a hint of that trauma out. Now that Kim is actively working towards getting better, he is much less avoidant with hard topics - especially hard topics that aren't his own. He likely takes Kinn's impulsive and vague admission much more seriously than he does his own assault, and Kinn's takes Kim's much more seriously (plus was traumatized by the rescue). They can only treat this type of violence with the gravity and attention it deserves when it happens to someone they care for, rather than themselves.
Since Kim's descent into his depression and subsequent kidnapping and assault are covered in Progression, my contrasting points are much shorter.
While Kinn feels like he has to care for everyone he considers family, Kim doesn't have the same responsibilities. He wants to separate himself at least some aspects to his family - going as far as creating a separate persona to be who he wants to be in his professional life, only to never fully escape it due to his own trauma and mafia ties. He craves love - something shown through this romantic lyrics - but has guarded himself so heavily due to his dangerous connections, introverted nature, and (in this story) likely falling on the autism spectrum. On top of that, he is demisexual in this story, although he hasn't given himself an official label. All he knows is that he would only consider sex if it was with someone he loved. Chay is the only person he felt those feelings for. Due to Kim's secretive goals, how guarded he is, and how hard it is for him to express himself, he dropped the ball. Monumentally. That heartache and guilt impacted what was likely an already underlying depression and Kim gradually lost control.
I see Kim as someone who also needs control, at least initially. But losing so much of it and not being able to express how much help and support he needs makes him feel completely isolated. That isolation, depression, and desperate need for love and support makes it so Kim doesn't necessarily want the control back. He needs someone else to take the reins. This is shown when he willingly goes with his kidnappers, despite knowing he very well may die or face serious trauma/injury. This shows how much Kim now avoids taking any control back. He has no idea where to start since his life has completely unraveled. By the time one of his kidnappers assaults him, he does briefly try to fight. But the drugs in his system and his weakness from his eating disorder make it so that control can't be obtained. His assault is only cut short only when Chay takes control (by completely losing it, ironically enough) and almost beats his captor to death.
Kim doesn't really think about sex with Chay after their reunion until the prospect of it seems as if it could be likely when they are waiting out the storm. It gives Kim anxiety and he still has mental health concerns that he is working through. But like Chay's absence was a major reason for Kim's descent into his depression, his presence, support, and friendship after Kim hit rock bottom is a major reason for his healing. So Kim develops a deep appreciation, love, and trust for Chay - even deeper than his original feelings. Chay has become someone he feels safe around. That trust has led Kim to find himself becoming a person that more closely aligns with the person he had only wanted to be prior to all of this. Add that to Chay now making a habit of protecting and comforting Kim? Kim wants to hand the reins over Chay. He makes Kim feel safe, despite their complicated history. Kim no longer sees handing over control as a weakness because it has led to him having more love and support. This mindset is crossing over into his and Chay's growing sexual relationship. While Kim is a virgin and Chay has acquired a huge list of partners during their separation, this dynamic and Kim relinquishing the need for control has strangely given Kim MORE control with his growing agency. That agency is also giving him confidence to try more things with someone he loves and trusts deeply.
This answer was so much longer than what I initially planned and I don't know if it all makes sense. I probably gave too much backstory away, but it is what it is! Feel free to engage or give your thoughts on it all, but these are mine based on both my views and analyses of the characters in the show, and of the events that have unfolded in this particular fic.
