#kinda random rant

[recklesstorrorcave]

Random self-rant because I’m awful at everything

So I checked how many Storror videos I’ve missed for the past months.

More than 20, Less than 35. 

. . . . .

OK OK

IT WAS 31 

AND I’M ABOUT TO COMBUST

OVERREACTING AS HELL (that is my specialty at this point) 

BUT

THESE ARE BIG NUMBERS

I have watched every Storror video update in the past and would wait every week, how came to be like this, I’ll never know. 

Last video I watched was from 7 months ago, I didn’t even know I could last a week without them but I managed to get through. I’ve just been so busy in my personal life and other things that I forgot to check on my happy pills, how my favorite boys were. It sucks but oh well. 

The least I can do is watch all the videos I’ve missed before the anniversary arrives, which again, is in a week and I say we should get our asses ready and wigs intact because they might get snatched.

October really be reviving the dead. That dead is me.

So brb, gonna have a marathon. It’s 11pm where I’m at and I assume I’ll finish early morning lmao

[alphonsee]

There was one summer I went to a church girl's camp and I always had a miserable time trying to sleep because my mattress sucked ass and the other girls in my tent wouldn't stfu. There was no way to switch tents I had to be with them because I was the only 13 year old there. But while I was trying to sleep, they had somehow got on the conversation of what would happen if their best friend came out to them as a lesbian. And ALL of them immediately declared they would stop being her friend and never invite her over again "because....y'know what if she tries to kiss me???" ....when there was a little gay 13 year old three feet away from them. So I asked one of the leaders of the camp and the young women's group of the church what the church's stance was on gay people. She told me "we're not supportive of them, but we're not going to fight against them." I asked her to elaborate more and she explained that they were basically not wanted in the church, but the church was going to hold hate rallies for them either. I was pretty heart broken, and never mentioned it again. I think after that I started to suppress myself as much as I could and tried to convince myself I wasn't gay. I gave myself a lot of pain and misery from not being perfect and for recognizing I wasn't happy with what everybody wanted from me, and hating myself into depression and anxiety and self harm trying to please others. I have a feeling that when the day comes that I tell everyone (I'm planning to participate in Coming Out Day), that people will suddenly shower me with nice things and tell me that they support me no matter what. If that happens im going to flat out tell them that I don't want them to support me or suddenly act like they've always cared about me because so many people fucked me up in my life and I hope they feel guilty for it. Maybe I'm mean and bitter for it, but I guess I'm also paranoid and hypersensitive as hell to how everyone I know treats me, so if I have to clear my Facebook friends list to breathe a little easier I'll do it. I stopped going to church two years ago because of all of this anyway, so really they don't need to be near me ever again.