Comfort in the Darkness
Woof, last night was rough.
There’s been a lot going on the last couple of days. First, I find out that the role I thought would be given to me outright was double cast. The SM sent an email out about it, since we both were pretty vocal about the decision. In the end, I decided to stick it out. After all, I’d rather have a few chances to do the role than not at all.
This is a cause of anxiety for me at present.
Also anxious about my wanting to leave my current job. I have nothing set up, so I’m not saying anything yet. However, I applied for a job at the college my husband works at so I’m hopeful. Regardless, I’m leaving the job and finding somewhere else to work. My current place of employment makes me crazy and I’m walking on eggshells anymore.
The weirdest thing? I got upset over a GAME. We’re playing this doctor game and the story is riveting and awesome, but it’s also freaking me out at night. During the day time, it’s fine to play. Nighttime is not so good. Part of my anxious ridden “trying to get the fuck to sleep” night was spent praying that the cats wouldn’t accidentally turn on the Wii and start the game up.
Not ready for that.
Moreover, I was actually afraid the console would turn ITSELF on. Yeah. I actually was afraid of that. I’m an idiot. But, anxiety takes you different places.
Something is wrong...my mind is messed up. But my dreams were actually okay. In fact, I had another dream...OF again. I welcomed it. We were driving in a car this time, on a road trip along a cliff overlooking some hills, sometimes water. We were talking about our friendship and how far we’d come. It didn’t amount to much, but there he was. It took me awhile to realize it was him, but once I did, I ended the dream shortly after. I woke up, not wanting to think about it, yet glad I saw him.
Florizel was up for almost an hour past bedtime trying to calm me down. It helped some, but some residuals remained this morning. I didn’t start to feel better until I left the house. Out of the dark and spooky, in my warm car on the way to...anxiety driven work place.
I’m such a wreck.
I remembered another dream I had: I dreamed I had a baby, and was so happy. But when I tried to breastfeed him, he would suck for awhile, then stop...then complain about being hungry. So I’d latch him again, but he refused to drink the milk. I thought I was dry, so I checked. I wasn’t try. Milk was flowing, but the baby didn’t want it.....I was very confused as to what that could mean.
There is too much happening in my mind. I just had a vacation but I feel like I need another one.
I’m working on planning out my vacations this year in order to use up all my days by August, as I want to keep a month or two open to train my replacement. August has a lot of traveling, so I want to give at least 6-8 weeks to train up the new kid. 6 might be enough...it would be twice what I got.
The sooner I’m out, the better I’ll be. I could swing an early October leave date...maybe. Or September. The sooner, the better. I could pick up a seasonal job to tide me over until something better came along.
However it goes, a decision has been made. I’m leaving. They can’t stop me, I’m leaving. I’m still giving them time to find a replacement because I want to leave on good terms. I’m also buying time for me to try to get pregnant, using that as a wonderful excuse to leave. Otherwise, I’m just leaving.
I may or may not have a job lined up, but I’ll work on finding one once I put in my notice. I’m waiting to hear about the job I applied for before making any moves.
Woof...finally coming down, I think. Took awhile. Time to take on the sudden work pile that formed and get on with my day.
