#kings does dnd

[kingerblogs]

In today’s D&D game:

The rogue thinks about hitting on the hot werewolf but chickens out

The ranger continues her role as Ultimate Wingman and gives the rogue some alone time with the hot werewolf but they chicken out again until they’re had a little liquid courage

The barbarian continues his trend of befriending every single goblin and goblin sized creature in every region he visits. 

The whole gang traumatise the barbarian with Memories of Worm

The rogue contemplates that maybe existence is just a giant worm and we’re all just living inside it

The cleric gets swallowed by a giant sandworm

The barbarian gets swallowed by a giant sandworm

The ranger kills a giant sandworm by swan diving down its throat, uncorking a decanter of endless water to blow it up like a water balloon, rupturing all its organs.

The tribe of orcs that were hunting the sandworm are all very impressed by the gang’s willingness to be swallowed to stab at the softer bits on the inside

The cleric expands his collection of teeth with so many worm teeth.

The rogue gets pummeled by an orc in an orcish friendship ritual

The barbarian pummels an orc in an orcish friendship ritual

The cleric attends to the rogue and barbarian after they participated in an orcish friendship ritual

The ranger is slightly concerned about the orcish friendship ritual

[kingerblogs]

like a week ago @motheatenscarf briefly mentioned ‘cowthulhu’ out of the blue in relation to our dnd game and today...

...today it all became clear in the most magical of ways

[kingerblogs]

Today’s adventuring in D&D finds the gang entering the holy city, one of the largest, oldest and most sacred places in the whole world where the god of sunlight struck the blow that ended the Dawn War against the demonic hordes.

Upon arriving they meet the wife of the travelling merchant who took them from the northern swamps to the city. She’s about to kill them all for exposing her daughter to curse words, zombies and danger when her husband is interrupted by a shady sort who he swears is totally not a problem.

Later on when getting the grand tour they pass through the residential district, the university district with its magic and floating architecture, the temple district with temples to every conceivable god one could imaging, the garrison district which houses the city’s standing army and the party district where the people go to relax.

The rogue cares for none of that and just want to get involved in the arena, created to venerate the various gods of war with a sacred FIGHT CLUB. The barbarian just wants to make friends with some more cool orcs and make his cool sword even cooler. The ranger only has eyes for checking in on her family and making sure they’re safe. And the cleric just wants a little alone time to relax and maybe use Sending to talk to his family who he hasn’t contact in decades.

They also need to get in touch with their pirate friend and are confused as to how to find her. Only after they get to the docks and start figuring out a plan to locate her does the rogue remind the cleric that he can cast sending. They cast sending and find her without hassle.

After selling all their junk, checking out some magical tattoos and putting a down-payment on getting some gear upgraded they run into a member of the crazy cult they dealt with aaaaages ago. Totally not a cause for concern, right?

What is a cause for concern is the ranger’s eye which has been acting up after some magical bargaining fuckery. They go to an old friend at the arcane university to get it looked at and find out the people who took and they gave her eye back have been using it to spy on her. She gets the scrying spell dispelled which also reveals that her eye had been replaced by a weird beetle thing which grosses the entire party out.

They immediately scry on the guy who made the deal with the ranger and find he’s at least having trouble of his own with an order of righteous paladins have blockaded his city to deal with the demon loose there...the demon that the gang kind of gave free reign to when they found she was only preying on the corrupt nobility of the city.

They also scry on the ranger’s mother who is in the process of mostly getting her butt kicked by a wizard in the war on the northern continent.

The new plan? Save the ranger’s mother, bring her back to the ranger’s home town and then all of them will go wild on the organised crime asshole who’s been spying on them the whole time.

[kingerblogs]

So today marks essentially one year since I started running the dumb dnd game I’ve been recording here.

The best gameplay session has been, by far, the Party Infiltration Episode like half a year ago where the gang infiltrate a party held by a wealthy merchant who they suspect is smuggling goods into the city for a fire cult the ranger is going after. We went eight hours straight with minimal breaks because everyone was just having such a good time.

It begins with the rogue disguising themselves as a servant to scout ahead before the party begins. They almost get caught when the housekeeper starts ordering them around when they mistake them for just another servant and the rogue is forced to light a small fire to cause a distraction allowing them to get out without being rumbled. The night ends with the barbarian brawling every single member of the party security as a distraction for the ranger and cleric to get to the basement only to arrive just in time to see the ranger’s nemesis murder the corrupt merchant and launch a fireball at the houses’s foundations.

The whole thing was a delightful cluster fuck.

Second best is potentially the Mystery Mine Closure in the ranger’s hometown which sees the party, at the behest of a succubus in exchange for getting the barbarian out of jail after a previous encounter that went delightfully wrong. Heading into the mine reveals monsters, magic, a small amount of slavery, drow escaping to the surface and some ancient ruins. When the mine was dealt with the gang confront the corrupt businessmen who owned it. The rogue goes nuclear and is about to stab the shit out of them, drawing the attention of the city guards but the cleric Zone of Truths the businessmen into absolute oblivion and gets them locked up.

More recently the ranger buying a trident of fish command from a merchant in the middle of a desert, me forgetting about it and the ranger dominating the water monster in an evil undead king’s underground lake and using it to eat a way through said king’s minions was just *chef’s kiss*

[kingerblogs]

So in the last few weeks of Dungeons & Dragons

Continuing the previous adventure of dealing with the recently reanimated Mad King the gang delve a little deeper into his tomb to find more horrors, more magic both bizarre and alarming and more evidence of just how mad, and just how vile the king was.

After an unsuccessful attempt to rest, thwarted by the king’s vile influence tainting even their dreams, the party find the blade that was used in ages past to kill the king the first time. Upon seeing the ghost of the paladin who it belonged to the cleric is very eager to wield his sword.

The ranger also uses the magical trident she bought weeks ago one a whim just because it was so ridiculous to tame a vicious beast called a squelcher to aid them in the fight. The group name him Slurmpy.

Fighting to the throne room the king has consolidated his forces in fear of the blade the cleric now wields. He uses all the magic and vile undead at his command to force the party back but they remain resilient. The barbarian and the rogue team up to immediately disable one of the king’s more fearsome beasts by shoving it under a heavy chandelier and then dropping said chandelier.

The ranger picks off the archers along the walls, commanding her tamed squelcher to deal with the mages conjuring winds to force the party back. The cleric, despite being blinded for several rounds, pushes forward through the wind and swarms of insects to deliver the blade into the heart of the king while the others run distraction.

The final blow causes the cleric’s goddess to momentarily block out the sun and smite the undead king with moonlight fire, ending his reign for good.

Returning to the city the party are greeted with cheers and jubilation and people drink and party in the streets in celebration for days afterwards, even if the gang aren’t entirely feeling it after what they just witnessed.

Finally departing the city, the gang are hailed as heroes and laden down with barrels of the delicious local fruit juice, which is basically the only payment they agreed to do the job for anyway.

[kingerblogs]

Today in D&D:

The ranger and barbarian are very spoiled by never having to take a night watch because they’re travelling with a pair of elves who don’t need to sleep

The confrontation with the dragon will not be a gruesome horror show because the cleric says so

The cleric casts tongues to communicate with the dragon

the dragon snatches the cleric and carries him away

The others PANIC

The cleric, via Sending: “Hey guys it’s fine, chill”

The dragon is just mourning it’s dead mother

The cleric tries to console it

The barbarian tries to be a responsible father

The ranger scolds it to try and teach it some manners

The rogue tells it to eat shit and die

The whole situation reminded the rogue of their mother who they have a ...complicated relationship with

The barbarian upgrades his beard with a fancy dwarven belt

The rogue confides their feelings in a nine year old and makes here swear that she won’t tell anyone

The nine year old immediately tells EVERYONE

The ranger: “Let us have a heart to heart and talk about our problems”

The rogue who is blackout drunk: “SLEEEEEEP”

The barbarian lends his magical beard growing belt to the aforementioned nine year old how is just DELIGHTED

PUNS

The barbarian gets an...unreliable? history lesson which drives him to drink

The others engage in some retail therapy

The rogue: “I’m looking for the weirdest, most expensive thing you have”

It’s a trident that lets people command fish...but they’re currently in the middle of a desert

The rogue: “...pass”

The ranger: “Are you kidding??? GIMME”

The gang have a nice quiet night to the soothing sounds of their travelling companion concernedly talking to some locals about the caravans going missing to the south, the direction they’re travelling

[kingerblogs]

Missed a day of D&D but today AND last week in D&D:

The rogue is having a rough time and spends a bunch of gold on some hard drugs to get proper fucked up

Not the really expensive stuff though, they’re saving for a tattoo

The ranger visits the local hunters and find they’ve killed a freakish undead abomination like the ranger dealt with a few weeks ago

The hunter have been studying it, compare notes with the ranger and both groups confirm that it’s weird and gross and dangerous and gross

The cleric climbs right to the very tippity-top of the city

...And get a rude reminder that despite his heavy armour he is, in fact, a soft boy

The city guards deposit his bruised and battered body back in the camp and tell them to tel him when he wakes up not to climb the rocks, it’s dangerous

The gang get the Big Desert Safety Lecture

Big because bot the lecture and the desert are very big

The gang find a holy temple to the sun

The barbarian tries to push open the door

In he case of it being a pull door the rogue sticks to it with their spider boots and the barbarian uses them as a handle

The rogue climbs to the top of the temple and finds a big gem

The cleric, from the ground: “Lick it!”

The range meanwhile has been thoroughly unimpressed by all this nerd shit

The gang theorise about stealing the big gem at the top of the temple

The ranger contemplates the weight and predicts the builders wouldn’t have accounted for the 7ft tiefling who can lift a thousand pounds

The cleric points out that 7ft tall infernal beings may be EXACTLY what the builders of the holy temple accounted for when the built it

The gang head into the DANGER ZONE of villages that have been attacked by undead

The gang are hired by a city to deal with the problem of an ancient and insane king who has recently come back to life

The barbarian, after an extensive and very serious planning session: “So hey...what’s the deal with this juice we’ve been drinking? It’s real good.”

The leader of the city promises SO MUCH juice if they return successful

The cleric: “Finally something worth fighting for”

The rogue: “Should we stock up on potions?”

The ranger: “That would be smart...are we smart?”

The cleric: “YES we are VERY smart and we are stocking up on potions

The rogue, who doesn’t trust anyone, trusts everything in the event of their death to an overly excitable 9 year old

The cleric, while everyone is invisible and sneaking into the mad king’s tomb: “It’s not an investment in holding hands...haha...it’s just that using a rope feels unsafe”

The barbarian: “We have a very specific skillset we have offered to these people for nothing more, so far, that some juice so I feel we’re entitled to loot this tomb a little

The cleric: “Was the ghost hot?”

The barbarian learns he is resistant to soup damage as a giant zombie chef dunks him in the cooking pot

The barbarian dunks the chef into the cooking pot

The gang are caught up in a magical dance

The ranger casts silence and - silently - goes ham on the enchanted instruments

Sad dooting from the skeleton bards

The cleric: “Does the suspicious sand taste like indoor sand or outdoor sand?”

The cleric: “...I mean does it look like...”

The barbarian, half buried and with his legs trapped in the mouth of some horrible beast: “I’ve got it right where I want it”

The gang debate the morality of fireballing a skeleton and his life’s work after he threw acid at the rogue

The gang throw a fireball at the skeleton and his life’s work

The gang encounter a corridor which stifles any light

The cleric “Fuck I had Daylight prepared JUST YESTERDAY”

The ranger, about a pair of ‘I lie, I tell the truth’ skeletal doormen when they cheat: “We know the truth is that they’re MOTHERFUCKERS”

[kingerblogs]

Today’s DND sees the gang get up to some shenanigans in the holy city. Or more aptly, some shenanigans get up to them.

Departing the university the ranger has vengeance on the mind. She sees about upgrading her weapons, concealing her discovery of the scrying spell placed on her by her former “business associates,” sending a letter to her family telling them to get out of town and looking for ways to get paid.

The barbarian is meanwhile getting a complex magical tattoo, the cleric is shopping for cool swords and the rogue is happy just watching their lizard dad work.

The next night - after the barbarian gets some more ink and the ranger further investigates ways to kill things in order to get paid - the cleric and rogue slap on their hotpants and croptops and head on over to the party district to get fucked up and party in that exact order. The rogue aces all their CON saves in a startling departure from the usual They have some slightly concerning interactions with a fortune teller and the rogue gets a blast from the past: the noble they stabbed that one time is now totally cool with them and wants to work together instead of killing them.

Meanwhile, the ranger and barbarian not wanting to party because they’re too concerned with vengeance and can’t drink because tattoo appointment respectfully, are momentarily distracted which allows some nefarious sorts to kidnap the delightful child NPC I spent weeks endearing to the players.

They chase down one of the culprits, descend into the catacombs, follow a trail of the child’s cool teeth collection and find and narrowly avoid an ambush seemingly designed to deal with the two of them permanently.