Everyday since I got home, James has taken it upon himself to wake me up in the morning. He usually likes to do this sometime around ten in the morning, no matter what time it is that I went to bed, meaning sometimes I'm getting less than four hours of sleep. It's resulted in me being over all pretty cranky, and snippy at him, just because he's on one sleep cycle doesn't mean I have to be on it to. At least until this morning I believed that was the reason he was waking me up so early. Apparently I've been having nightmares, and thrashing about in my sleep, James has been waking me up when he thinks I've had enough. Considering this morning I ignored him and I ended up with a monstrous panic attack that won't dissipate despite having smoked a cigarette, I can't blame him. I guess I owe him an apology.:/
This is the first videogame I have ever beaten all by myself with no help from anyone else, or the internet! It took me about two days, but I did it! I'm super happy and proud now and I want Bioshock Infinite!
First off - sjkdhfkjashdkjfhskdjfhjksdhfjshdaf fuck everything this is so heavily flooding my mind that I'm unable to sleep. Not pleseant.
Secondly - Bit of back story. I have known James since I was seven years old, he was my very first friend I ever made when I moved to the northwest and probably more accurately my very first friend. James and I have always sort of been in touch, always able to find each other if the need occured but have constantly been dropping in and out of each others lives since we were kids.
Important Note - James is a diganoised psychopath. Definition: A person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behavior.
He does not medicate for this issue and instead chooses to deal with in extreme bouts of sadness and anger. Some of these bouts get very violent.
Thirdly - As of July 22nd I will have been living with James for a year. Something I am both tremendiously thrilled about, and terrified of.
Fourth - I don't know how long though the scope of it is years, but James has been in love with me for a very long time. Before I ever moved in with him.
Fifth - James is honest to god probably my best friend, he is the single soul besides my Mother that I tell absolutely everything to. He gets every detail of my life, either by witnessing it, or because I babble it to him. In my eyes James is one of the few people I know who I would completely trust with my life without a moments hesistation. I love James.
So then what's the issue. He loves me, and I love him, we live together. Why can't don't we give it a try.
Because I have issues with trust, because I have issues with abandonment, because my life is constantly a mess and James is one of the few places I always feel safe to land. Because I've said more times in my life then I can count that everyone should have someone who loves them like James loves me. Because I know if I lost him, I would not only lose my best friend, I would lose my home, and I would not be able to cope with anything anymore. Because my fear of losing him runs deeper then almost any of my other fears. Because I break everyone I touch and because I have never, ever in my life threw the countless relationships I've been in, come out on top of a break up. I've never had a clean breakup, none of my ex's can stand to be in the same room as me.
Everyone who has ever been in a room where James and I are together, has either made a comment about us getting together or asking how long we've been together. It's hard to brush off these comments because I know they hurt James, it was easier when they didn't affect me but now they do. We act like a couple sometimes, we have the emotional relationship of a couple. We are always in each others personal space if not because I've invaded his because I need the physical comfort then because he's invaded mine.
But when it all comes down to it. James and I are not an option.
I need him as somewhere to live, and a safe place to be and I can't have those emotions at home, and I can't risk losing him. But it gets hard sometimes to remember the reasons why I shouldn't. Perfectly valid and good reasons, because someone has made one of these types of comments.
But I'm not about to go and wreck my relationship with the person whose kept me alive for the past year.
You know what I still haven't gotten over? So when I went out on Thursday, and was drinking and stuff. I totally had the chance to sleep with this one asshole, who is a bit attractive I suppose, but I didn't. I didn't want to, and I told him no and I was like this is not happening dude. (I opted to play videogames instead.) but when I was sitting there in the living room, after I'd said no. My friends who I were with, pulled me in for a hug and they both told me that they were proud of me for saying no....
Which I mean granted yes I wanted to hear someone was proud of me for this, and having them say it made me feel good and they probably knew I needed to hear it but still. I am so low that I need people to be proud of me for not sleeping with people? Shit.
Also Josh and James went on this rant today about how having my phone leads me into bad situations. They pointed out how, Andy, and War, and Mac all happened because of my phone. Mostly Andy got to me because it's so true if I didn't have my phone so many things wouldn't happen, but I don't know. Sighs.
I think I need to work on self restraint and shit, and mostly self respect, but I'm getting there. I'm starting to think I'm worth something.
Went out with some friends last night to a buddies house. Played King's Cup which is the best, and worst! drinking game ever since we only ever play with Corona and I just can't stomach that crap. I had the brilliant idea of Otter Pop Shots at some point, and that became a delicious thing in many variations. My favorite was putting an otterpop in a cup and putting a crap ton of whipped vodka in the cup with it. (Last night can be summarized with the sentence; So much vodka.)
Then everyone proceeded to find their significant other of the night, and have sex like the animals they are. Which left me alone, and buzzed, and I had the best idea of the night which was play Fallout 3 and fuck everybody. So I did just that and it sucked and yet was awesome.
Anywho never really got any sleep last night, head is still a little dizzy, but no headache yay, and I have the most queezy stomach right now. But yummy I got chinese food! and I'm home now! OH AND I DIDN'T SLEEP OR MAKE OUT WITH ANYONE! YAY!
We give ourselves these grand illusions about what certain relationships should be, and then paint our lives a tragedy because they don't work like we dreamed they should.
The number one thing people should know about me, is that I do not fuck around about the Zombie apocalypse. I see one picture of a news cast that is possibly doctored or something, and it leads to me feeding KT a seven hundred word rant about our back up plan.
Got rid of Mr. President's stuff, I think he's not talking to me anymore which ugh I don't wanna deal with.
Lost my cell phone.
Did ALL the dishes in the apartment.
Took out the garbage, yeesh it was bad.
Moved two and a half loads of laundry, why do I let it get to this point every time?!
Organized the living room...James and I like clutter....
Found my cell phone. :D
Vacuumed the whole apartment.
Cleaned the rest of the kitchen.
Made myself some peach tea yummy!
The apartment is looking good. :) I still need to finish cleaning up the bathroom, which is a slow process every time I'm in there I do one or two things and then exit quickly >< still! I did a bunch for a Sunday, so now for the rest of the day my brain is being reduced to Motherfucking Werewolves. :D
