Story time, Tumblr, because I owe @cruelsadisticlove a love letter, and because I need to try and explain the enormity of what happened to me last night.
We met when I was about 33, and in a very bad marriage. We were friends first, a gradual deepening of affection that bloomed into something warmer but still fairly vanilla for a long time. And while I was a girl who knew that I liked my sex a little rough, I liked a little bit of edge in the bedroom, my knowledge of BDSM was of the "walking naked around the house with a chain on your throat" and "kept in a gimp suit and begging to be hurt" variety. I knew that it was a relief when a partner of mine gave me clear, direct instructions—"Come here." "Get on your knees." "Suck my cock."—but I thought the idea of submission, of being forced to kneel for someone, was a load of bullshit. I think I said something to him like "I want someone to make me want to kneel."
He, delightful and wonderful man that he was (and is) decided that was a challenge.
It was a long journey. I don't think I ever rose to the standard of a brat (I'm sure he'll say if he disagrees), but I was almost never willing to do something just because he said. I needed to hear him explain to me why it was good, why it was right, why he wanted it, and more importantly, why I wanted it. Why I should want it. I needed to know that it was okay for me to fantasize about dark things, about being spanked until I couldn't think anymore, about being held down and forced to accept something, about sleeping with a cuff around my wrist so that I would stay exactly where I was put. (I write that out and I understand better why the identity of Daddy Dom is so comfortable and resonates with him. That, and because Daddy was the only honorific that ever made sense for us, ever.)
I started to lean on him more, with time. I went through a very bad divorce and then a very traumatic move. My (our, now) kids were...hard. I'm autistic as hell and I tend towards hyperfunctioning, and when he started suggesting little ways he could help, I gradually embraced them. Unsure which necklace or bracelet I should wear today? Let Daddy pick. Unclear which shirts I should buy? Daddy has a good sense of both what I like and what he thinks looks good on me, get his opinion. Know I need to set up my bullet journal every week, but keep getting busy and forget to get it done? Promise Daddy that I'll show him the layout every Sunday night so he knows that it'll get done. (I write that all out, and I understand better why the identity of little (or, more properly I think, middle) has been settling on my shoulders like a comfortable and safe blanket, filling my belly like sweet hot tea.)
But all through this, I didn't particular enjoy kneeling. I did it without reservation when he told me to, when he wanted to hear something from me when I was on my knees or he wanted to hear me beg, but I can't think of a time where I initiated it, when I said I wanted to kneel for him. It just...wasn't part of my emotional or submissive repertoire.
At the very beginning of this year, some stuff happened that forced me to do a deep and critical inventory of my...well, entire self over the last few years. I came to some important conclusions that I could only resolve with a leap into faith (thank you, Chidi Anagonye). And when I did, the resulting truth came with a wave of unmitigated softness and vulnerability and sheer, intense submission unlike anything I'd ever felt. It has been a dizzying journey, the past 30-or-so days. I've often felt unsure of my footing while also knowing that I'm exactly where I need and want to be and I'm held more carefully and closely than I have been at any point in my life.
One feature of this was several weeks ago, when I was at work and, between one second and another, was bowled over by the incredible, overwhelming need to say 'yes' to something. It wasn't just to submit, that was part of it, but it was more than that. It's still difficult to explain; this might be an iykyk moment for a certain type of sub? Unclear. Feel free to weigh in and let me know your thoughts. Anyway, I told him that, this compulsion, and we talked through it a bunch in text while I tried to get through my work day. And yes, when I got home, I dropped to my knees in front of him and told him that I needed to say yes to something, to anything, could he give me something to say yes to?
He did. It was a wonderful night.
Since then, this has become something of a feature of our dynamic. It's not constant, but sometimes I need to say yes like I need to breathe. As a kind and loving Daddy, he's happy to assist.
But last night was different, though I didn't realize it at the time.
See, two nights ago, he collared me properly. We've had various bits of significant jewelry over the years—bracelets, anklets—but they've broken at various times and left me in incredible distress. He decided he'd had enough of that, and bought me a beautiful, discrete, permanent collar that I can wear all day and all night and just...not worry about. It feels perfect and pretty and I'm so fucking happy about it.
And yesterday (what is it about Wednesdays?? I have no idea), that urge came over me, but it was different. I messaged him and said that I wanted to do something. I needed it. He helped me figure out how to be safe, and when I came home, we went about our usual night. Made dinner. I curled up in his lap and he pet my hair while we watched some silly thing. And when we went to bed, I offered the thing we'd been talking about. I asked him.
I asked him if I could knell for him.
Nothing particularly sexy happened. We talked for a little bit, about our day, about what today might be. When my ankles hurt, he let me stand and we crawled into bed together, slept tangled up together.
After a little more than 10 years, give or take, I finally understand what it is to want to kneel for someone.
He has alerts on my posts, so he's going to wake up and see this. And know from the moment he's awake that I'm his, all the way, completely and entirely, without hesitation or reservation. His kitten, his good girl.
I can't think of anything else I could possibly want to be.