If You Must || Amy and Braxton
Amy leaned forward, propped up in her bed, back hovering away from the backing of the bunk bed, she stubbornly forced herself to stay upright, knowing that if she settled, and allowed her body to momentarily slow, she might slip into a slumber. Part of her craved that, to just be able to collapse and not have to fight the force of living; however, Amy wasn't an idiot, she knew that as soon as her eyes closed, as soon as she let herself become vulnerable, the mere act of sleeping, would leave her susceptible to a rage of nightmarish dreams that would be consumed with his voice, the sparking rage in his eyes, and the way his body had contorted towards her, almost as if every ounce of him had wanted her away.
So, Amy sat. She'd long since turned away the alarm clock from the corner, each shift of a number reminding her just how long she had sat there terrorising herself with her own self deprecation. Braxton was right- She should just take those meds, which is what they were for, and allow herself a break, give herself a moment's rest. But she couldn't- That goddamn force inside her that couldn't be reconciled urged her onward, kept her spine stiff as she sat, her mind whirring, reliving moments she wanted more than anything to forget. It didn't matter what everyone said, that Harry was 'acting strange' and that he 'needed time', well, dammit, she needed time as well. She needed a moment back, she wanted those lost days that she had spent mourning whatever she had lost from him, and now it was pointless, because all of that work she had put in, all of the effort it had taken her to move past what she could've accepted long ago and maybe been able to move on- Now, she was left, hovering somewhere between painful irony and absolute defeat.
When Braxton had assured her that he'd be there for her, offering to even sit up with her if she needed it, she'd had to bite her tongue to keep from letting out a slight whimper- He was too good to her, too kind, and she needed that now more than ever, but she worried, still. Endless worrying, overwhelming confusion, tiring trial and error. She looked down at her hands laying in her lap and she took a deep breath, deciding now, that she had to set herself above Harry. She wouldn't be the one that he thought her to be- Some weak, unimportant, disposable person. She wouldn't let herself be consumed by the hatred he had thrust upon her. She swallowed hard and almost too late, realised how deep she had fallen down the rabbit hole. The door to the bedroom swung open and she looked up to see Braxton standing there and it took every ounce of reserved energy in her exhausted body to keep from bursting into tears right then and there.
