#koffinkrew

[melancholyspice]

Just some pics I took the other day 🖤💚🖤

[melancholyspice]

💚💚💚

[melancholyspice]

So, my stepfather passed away back in May, and I still haven’t been able to completely wrap my head around it. He and I did not have a great relationship after I was about 14, so I did not think I would be so broken about his passing. He was a very verbally abusive person, and I had insults slung at me in the regular such as “whore” “slut” “freak” “stupid bitch.” He even had my siblings in on being against me, they would sit upstairs and talk of how I wouldn’t amount to anything and how much of a piece of shit I was. All the while I’m sitting in my room in the basement hearing every word and getting stoned and popping xans to help the feelings go away. I now realize all his hatred began around the exact time I got a boyfriend and was being sexually active. Before I had a boyfriend I would hang out with my stepfather all the time; playing music, taking apart motorcycles, getting high, going to visit his friends. I also realize that was a very unhealthy relationship for a 14 year old girl to have with her stepfather. I’m not saying he viewed me differently than he should have viewed me as his step child, but I’m saying it was definitely inappropriate.

Anyway, besides all that trauma, I think I’m mostly grieving my childhood more than my stepfather himself. A past idea of him, grieving the him I knew before he hated me. The man that showed me power chords on the guitar, told me about Kittie the band, the guy who would take me for joy rides in his mustang and do burnouts at the end of our road. Before the hate, before I became unavailable to him. That’s the man I’m mourning, and the time I’m mourning. I’ve felt so disconnected from my family for such a long time, and This event hasn’t made it any better. I try to make my feelings smaller because I feel like I don’t deserve to be upset? My siblings have all these fatherly memories with him, and I have…hatred to remember most. But it’s helped me try hard to remember the good things from my childhood, even though it’s hard to wade through the muck.

I’m in a really weird place right now, and I don’t have the energy to talk to anyone about it really. I feel like I don’t deserve to be upset, or that I shouldn’t be upset due to the crappy things that happened between us. He was the closest thing to a fucked up father I had, since my own dad checked out a long time ago.

I doubt anyone will read this, as I’m hoping to be screaming into the void. But thank you for reading my nonsense, if you did.

[melancholyspice]

I’ve grown to be a plant lady. Witness mine plants!

[melancholyspice]

Decided to do makeup at 9pm

[melancholyspice]

I’m miss world, somebody kill me

[melancholyspice]

I just felt v cute today, okay?

[melancholyspice]

I am not an idea, or a concept. I am not a warm place for when life gets cold. I am not a crutch to help you get over your sad slump. I am not a person to only be interested in when your dick is hard. I’m not your manic pixie dream girl to reminisce aloud about.

I am a person with feelings, with thoughts, with desires.

You are just like everyone you said you were not.