#kyleetalks

[bakugoushotwife]

guys @sugurusmoon bought me a bakugou commission for my birthday (12/1) and it’s so super hot fire i’m not sure you’re ready to look at it

[bakugoushotwife]

when ur bf of nearly five years breaks up with you right before hot girl summer and you’ve been in the gymnmmm 😈

[bakugoushotwife]

i think abt u often & miss u. different stages of life tho n its better i watch and hope the best for you in passing! get well eventually, because requesting it happens ‘soon’ feels wrong. manifesting best outcomes for ya!

if this is who i think it is, i appreciate your kind words and best wishes. i truly hope you’re happy now too. but i would ask that you just let it go. i do not want to reconnect. i think you know enough now to understand what you did cannot be fixed.

[bakugoushotwife]

when i was a little girl, i had big dreams. i had big plans. i craved freedom like a stabled horse, and knew exactly what i would do with it.

i would travel. i wanted to see every part of the earth and meet all of her people. i wanted to learn...everything about everything. i wanted to help shape the world, help heal it...

most of all, i impatiently dreamed of the day i would get to make my own home. as i stared at yet another new bedroom, motel wall, and even a church basement painted in the southern baptist face of jesus, whatever roof we could manage for a year, maybe more, i envisioned kitchen decor and living room layouts.

as my parents fought over money and bills, as i learned how to manage other people's feelings before my own, whenever my mom would scream at me for not loading the dishwasher right or call me names for wanting to spend the night with my friend, i drifted off to a place in my mind where that never happened again. where when i spoke, i was heard. it mattered. i mattered. in my home, when i cried, my tears were wiped by gentle hands, and a gentle voice talked it all out with me. i dreamed of the man i would build that home with, what he might be like or when i might meet him.

i was careful. i was honest. i didn't want anyone to bite off more than they can chew. i've always known, always been more than acutely aware of how difficult i am to love. i mean, even my own parents struggled to love me, i wondered how anyone else could do it at all. especially with nothing but seemingly cons when i tried to add up my list. i have a horrible family. con. i'm suddenly epileptic at eighteen. con. i didn't go to college, always told i was a brilliant mind stuck working customer service jobs for enough money to feel useful. useful...now that is a pro...i am useful! i know how to cook, i know how to clean! i am smart enough to figure out most problems, um, i'm really good at paperwork? oh and i am funny, i guess, in a loud overbearing way that sometimes people don't like. hm. maybe a pro...maybe a con? i am a certain type of pretty that will only appeal to some...i won a beauty pageant, hm. i'm sporty! yeah, someone will love that, right? that i'm athletic and enjoy watching sports? but then again, the mental illness...sigh. it felt as though i was an investment risk, and less a person desiring to be loved. but i am charming, i could...make it work. i couldn't wait to grow up, i knew what it was like to be grown already! to take care of a home, kids, older people! i mean, that gives me so much experience! my friends love me, i mean...when they can get past my mom and also have extra money to pay for me to come along with them. i always performed so brightly though, making sure i was so fun and likeable that they didn't regret inviting me along, maybe there'd even be a next time! i just knew...that when i was a grown up, i could make everything okay.

and then i was grown, and i met him. i gave him the warning list, i told him every red flag just to make sure he didn't think he was getting some soft and sweet princess. it was easy anyway. we had so much fun, my face would hurt from smiling. we explored parts of the state together, facetimed all day every day because we couldn't possibly bear to spend time apart. i would eagerly leave the shitty trailer i lived in to come spend the weekend at his house, meeting and impressing all of his roommates. it felt so good, being seen and chosen, wanted, praised. he excitedly introduced me to all of his friends, and the look on his face was always so fond and soft...so proud. i bawled my eyes out every time i had to come back home, something i'd never done from any boy that came before him. i knew i loved him then, loved his easygoing mind and comforting presence. he thought of things simply, and it calmed my anxieties. he knew the sweetest things to say and how to make me adore him more than anything in this world.

when i moved in, i got to make my own home. it was a dream come true! we got a dog together, decorated our space, continued to love and live like two people who belonged together. money is tight, but money is always tight...the economy is poor and i am limited in the roles i can work, i'm a burden. i work harder, do more at home to offset him carrying the financial load. i do everything i can to make his life easy, the things that i am so good at. years pass, fights are minimal...but always bad. i just feel like i can't fully talk to him, he just gets defensive and accusatory. it's just his anger issues. i mean he didn't have a father in his life...he is learning! he's helping me learn, too. this is our first time living with a partner...there's bound to be bumps in the road!

i longed for dates, for the praise and attention i got years ago. but money is tight, and he's already told me he's not romantic like that! but he does always ask if i'm hungry when he's on his way home...i tried doing even more. he took in my brother, he's helping raise him because he obviously loves me so much. so i just need to try harder. i need to get a handle on my adhd and my depression so i can have routines-

he's happy! he's always so intimate. sex is very important to him. he even makes sure i cum first because he knows he'll bust quick, i'm just that good!! yay! i play the video games he likes so we have more in common, watch the shows he likes. but i'm not making enough money. money is too tight, and he's getting stressed...so i get a better job! more money, but...longer hours. it'll be worth it, he won't be so stressed.

but i am so so tired. my schedule is opposite of his...we barely see each other. he's coming home when i am waking up to get ready for work. he misses me, the house isn't staying in good order like this. i need to see when i can get back on my regular schedule that matches his...

on a random thursday in may last year, i am busy at work. he messages me on snapchat. i smile when i see his name, expecting my normal update that he sends before he goes to bed. but instead it's him...saying he doesn't think he wants to do this anymore? we're...over? but i'm at work! i can't fall apart...i can't think about why he would want to be over? i was trying...sure, it wasn't as much as i used to do, but money wasn't so tight...i thought that would make him happy. i thought we'd be able to do more, breathe more. i call desperately, begging him to just let me talk this out. when i go home, i cry. i beg. i plead. i'm on my knees, as vulnerable and small as i have ever been, begging him to not give up on me. he holds me, calms me...we make love. but he messages the next morning when he's at work...that he still doesn't know about us, if it will work. i'm spiraling all day. i can't eat. i can't sleep. i'm begging my bosses to let me have a personal day. he comes home, brings weed. says while he was at the vapor store, he ran into an old friend. since we're taking time, he may go up to his friend's house. i nod weakly. yeah, maybe he just needs to clear his mind, maybe he just needs the chance to miss me. the next few days go like this. me crying and begging and promising, him drawing me up to tell me he can't lose me, and yet the messages don't reflect it later. finally, by monday evening, things are good. we've spent all day together, talking has gone well, and we agree that we've both got things to work on.

then i get another message at work. that he had to be honest, he'd been talking to someone. the friend from the vape store was a girl that added him on snapchat while he was at work the very next day after he first mentioned ending things. i felt like i had been shot. that moment of suspension where nothing at all happens. no breath, no heartbeat, no thoughts. then i shattered. he knew. he knew that was the one thing that would destroy me. i had begged for a personal day from work, and ended up getting someone to come in for me so i could go home and cry and scream. he looked so guilty, looked so full of regret, he never did leave the house. he told me they never talked about anything inappropriately. i download the snapchat data to look for myself, nothing happened. i make him choose what he wants. he blocks her, apologizes...things are tense for days. but we...move past it. i see it as a good sign, that he couldn't actually go through with any plans and felt so guilty he had to tell me. he knew i would never suspect that of him, because he knew. he knew that cheating was one thing i could never forgive. but we...moved on.

not without a lingering strike to my soul. i've always fought insecurity. i've never fit in with other girls in various categories, and am more than aware of my list of cons. i always feared a time he thought someone was better, or could be. a year passes. things are perfectly fine. we hang out with our friends, work hard, spend time together after his hours of gaming.. i guess more so the last hour or so before bed so he had a window to want sex. i get a work from home job. it doesn't pay very much, but this way i can be home and do both! make extra money to cushion our bills and look after the house without being too tired! $11.50 isn't much...but he makes good money! and we live in his mom's house so...as bad as bills can be, we're fortunate! i'm doing so well, i even decide to start going to the gym, too. i just want a reason to go out of the house since i am couped up in here all the time.

then it happens again, on a friday while we're partying with friends. but this time he does muster the courage to tell me to my face. he yells it at me, when i am drunk and high on the mushrooms we took together, "i don't want to be with you anymore, it's no fun. you were a waste of time."

my heart stutters. surely this is like the other times, and he will calm down. just last week he was talking about how we would be good parents to a little girl when we were at his family Easter gathering...he has my aunt's engagement ring hidden somewhere just waiting for the right time!! he's just angry...

but the look in his eyes is different this time. he's looking at me like he hates me. he keeps talking, "i was just trying to be a good guy...help you out because of your family. but you have to go. find somewhere to go."

i am crying from shock, i don't even realize it until it's dripping down my face. my best friend is on the phone, listening to his vitriol, and he leans in to say, "thank you for taking care of my problem, ena!" because i had the nerve to message her that night. a different friend takes me home. our home. i sit on the phone with ena for hours. i'm crying, mourning, and mostly baffled by how it got here when everything had seemingly been getting better and better. just last week before our weekend hangout, he took me to my favorite fast food restaurant that he doesn't like much. he took pictures of me, candids for no reason. the next day, he took me out to breakfast. it was an awesome time, but now it feels like when you take a dog out and give it all of it's favorite treats before it's euthanized.

he didn't come home until late the next day. he said he stood by what he said. that he didn't want to keep talking. that he isn't going to actually throw me out, but i need to figure out what i can do. he says things like it hurts him to see me cry, that's why he can't look at me. i go through his phone too often for him to be cheating. but the suddenness feels so hurtful. but he makes it all worse, saying he hadn't felt anything for me for three or four months. he couldn't pinpoint any moment, any reason, couldn't answer any question. the truth is, he just doesn't love me anymore. the truth is that every time i wondered when he'd propose, he never thought about it. it turns out i am so useful. so useful that he would lie to sleep with me and have me play housewife for months. the truth is he knows my life is about to turn upside down, and he doesn't mind that sacrifice if that means he can be the forever child he yearns to be.

even now, a week later, i sit in the home that i made, the house that i dreamed of, the escape i yearned for, alone. he went out last night, he's often out because he can't bear to sit here in the same room with me, since everything is still shared. he can't figure out a way to cook for himself, or ask how we want to split our life.

i thought i had found safety. someone to understand me and show me love in the truest form. but now he is just another person that has hurt me, someone i trusted to hold me that dropped me, just like everyone that came before him. i have survived them, and i will survive him too.

i get to grocery shop with my interests as priority. i get to get in my car and go anywhere i want. and yeah, i am alone here in his town. but for once, being alone is preferable. it comes in waves. i miss him, then i don't. because the other truth is, everyone could make a list of their pros and cons. everyone has something about them that makes them "hard" to love. the right person won't think of it that way at all. the right person will seek to understand you, will want to communicate instead of making you feel like that eight year old girl stuck in a broken house.

so for now, i take slow steps to move my life forward. i spend a lot of time talking to my best friend without his jealousy making me feel like i am doing something wrong. i get to be the person that understands me best. and for now, i am okay with that. excited, even, for the things to come.

[bakugoushotwife]

We deserve a theme change in honour of Bakugoushotwife’s commission completion, whenever it happens ;)

oh trust me it will be happening

[bakugoushotwife]

ooh announcement

so the plan as of right now is to do a little mini-event for mine and gojo's birthweek nyeheheh

so starting tomorrow dec 1- expect a piece at some point!! i hope to do one everyday and wrap us up with my pookie bear's birthday :)