Mad Mares
Holla friends,
I’m back from my latest labour, and good lord it was a doozy. I briefly mentioned the mares in my last entry but boy oh boy that hasn’t got shit on what they’re like in real life let me tell you.
I should probably start from the beginning (I’m getting ahead of myself again and skipping to the best part!); turns out that there were several of the damn things that I’d have to catch AND they were tended to on a regular basis making me capturing them solo slightly problematic. As such, I managed to, erm, persuade a few lovely volunteers into helping me get the groomers out of the way but not catch the violent beasts lest Eurystheus lose his shit over me getting help in a labour again.
So I knew that they ate men and all that jazz, but what no one cared to inform me o was the fact that horses tend to go batshit insane when you feed them human flesh, who would’ve thought it huh. Some people reckon they can even breathe fire due to their unnatural diet but that’s a load of BS, they are however completely insane, they’ll kick anyone’s ass, and then proceed to eat them if given half the chance. I thought it’d be all good though because Diomedes keeps them tethered to a bronze manger so they can’t run feral and eat everyone in the general vicinity; so while me and my helpers drove of the groomers and the soldiers Diomedes sent when he caught wind of our presence, I left Abderos with the mares. That poor bloke; I thought he was up for the task, but I tend to forget not everyone is as fabulous as me and he got overpowered by the beasts and I came back to find them feasting on the poor boy.
I may have been working on my anger management issues and this online diary has helped a lot in me trying to think things through and act less violently to everything but by Zeus a red haze came over me when I saw what those horses had done. As such I may have brutally slain Diomedes and then in a nice twist of fate I fed him to his own stupid vicious horses; this seems to have been the smart thing to do because evidently eating their master has sated their need for human flesh for now and they’re significantly more manageable now thank the gods.
I brought them back to Eurystheus as per usual; and after having been completely blown off by Hera the last time he tried to sacrifice animals of my labours to her he decided to sacrifice the mares to my father, Zeus, instead. Lol, Dad was not happy about this arrangement, immediately refused the sacrifice much like Hera had done and instead he sent a pack of wolves and lions to kill the damn things instead. I’d almost feel sorry for Eurystheus at this point if he wasn’t such a prat all the time.
After the failed sacrifice Eurystheus informed me that my next labour would take me all the way out to find the Amazon Queen, Hippolyte, and bring back her belt. I’ve heard a lot of impressive shit about these women and I can’t say I’m keen to fight them, maybe I can just use my amazing charm and seduction to win her over instead.
And of course I can’t very well end an entry without a selfie of me and the lovely mares:
Heracles signing off.
