The corner feels turned
Under a cut to assist those who don't want to scroll, not that it's that long but we know this site hates a life babble 😂 (fandom babble? They love that 😜) but it's mostly good, less complaining, in fact very little of it.
In short I feel less awful, less like dying and less stressed by a large margin. I feel less frustrated and worried and anxious. And more grateful for for my life, my friends, especially my best friend and I'm grateful for my doc who's a wonderful doctor, I know I've only seen her twice but I like her and my nurse. And my physio guy, thankful he's so kind and professional. Never makes me feel uncomfortable or fat or dumb or incompetent. And I have a fantastic pharmacist who cares. If you want to know more it's under the cut.
I went to physio and my doctor yesterday. My physio guy is very happy with my progress and he added one last exercise for me and I don't have to come as often. It's a breath of fresh air to have help where they aren't trying to suck me dry of my funds or my vacation time (I have to take vacation days to go to appointments because I don't drive). I need to find a step thing to do the exercises on so I don't do it on the stairs in the stairwell, so I'll have to find one next weekend. I think the next thing I need though is to find someone who specializes in giving massages to fibro and arthritic patients. I don't want one every month, but a few times a year would help my mental health. It's just hard because the best massage I ever had was way back in my 20s? In Key Biscayne by a man named Angel. I didn't know i had fibro or psoriatic arthritis at the time, but when i told him or described the troubles and pain I had he did a massage that took me to the most relaxed space I've ever been. I fell asleep. While a man massaged me. That had and has never ever happened in my life. Men do not induce sleep for me, in fact quite the opposite. Anyways it was wonderful and I'd like to have a good massage.
My visit to the doc was good, my BP is doing better at 128/80 even though the new meds cause my BP to go higher she said she was happy that it's getting better. I've also lost 17lbs since I saw her in May so that is good too. I have no desire to get as small as I was, and I know I can, but I don't want to. I was such a grumpy angry person dieting like that. I love food. I know that now. As a child my parents forced us to eat the worst food and even if we puked it up, we had to eat that too. My mother would hide all the good food and eat it herself. My father would make our fav things while we slept (I barely slept) and so we'd all smell it and know that they were eating the good stuff while we were sleeping. I have loved food since I was young. I have forced myself many times to eat stuff I don't like at the cost of wasting or hurting someone's feelings. And I try not to hurt people's feelings but I'm more likely to just say no thank you now. With a few exceptions obviously. I also am getting better at noticing I'm full and stopping eating. And either throwing it out or putting it back in the fridge for later. I know there's starving children in the world but me not throwing food out is not going to save them. I've also been struggling to find healthy food that I can enjoy. And especially breakfast. For now I'm just eating as low sodium and healthy as I can and doing my best not to eat when I'm bored or feeling anxious, angry or lonely. We also talked about the effexor and if i need to increase the dose or stay where I'm at. I asked to stay where I'm at for a month or two, just to see if I can manage at this level (I'm only doing 37.5). Because it heightens my heat sensitivities and I'm dreaming vivid dreams and it's killed my appetite and lessened my libido a little bit. But all of it is manageable or acceptable because my anxiety is more manageable and I'm feeling more productive at work and home. And I feel less like dying. And less like giving up. She also said that effexor is the better drug for women in my age group and assured me that if anything goes wrong or if I don't like something it's doing, we can try something else. And I think that's what gives me the most relief. She's a good doctor and I'm glad my friend recommended me to her. I still have an ultrasound to do on my boobs because the boobie squish was okay but dense they want to make sure. Also it did not hurt me at all. In fact I laughed and she asked if I was okay and once I said yes, sorry, she asked me to stay still. I was laughing because I was expecting it to hurt a lot. I guess being in pain 24/7 has one perk 😅. It was a hard squish but it did not hurt. Maybe she's just really good at her job? The other great thing was that there were no men when I went. So I felt more relaxed. But I have to go back end of July for the ultrasound. Fingers crossed 🤞
I also want to say... I have the most amazing friend, who accepts me as I am. Shows concern and care in ways that are good for me. Doesn't judge me or make me feel less than. Shows me regularly how I add value to their life. And gave me the best birthday I've ever had just by being who they are and I feel so much better than I have in years.
I also feel like work is getting better, I have a few issues obviously but I feel less stressed. We are busier than we've been compared to last year and yet we're around 50 cases at the end of most days. Last year we were often over 100 at the end of every day. And though the girl who accused me wrongly is starting to show the same habits as the guy they fired, I don't really care. The new girl is good, but she's nervous and needs a lot of guidance. She came from a completely different degree and background so it'll be slow to get her to the point she can work on her own, but I'm hopeful. I'm learning to slow down when I'm teaching her. Allow her time to think and ask questions. I feel for her, because most of us worked internally for years before we worked on our team. She is an external hire and so it'll take her longer. Plus she knows literally nothing about our industry or any of the software we use. And because we are a multi industry cooperative it can be challenging. Plus microsoft sucks... and we use a number of their systems 🙄🤐 but I'm hopeful that she'll get the hang of it. Plus I like her, she's smart and well spoken and she has a beautiful accent and she's stunning! She's thoughtful and quiet too so I know I have to be patient. Yes I know beauty has nothing to do with work. But if you've been following me at all you should know I think most people are gorgeous or beautiful if I don't hate them 😝😉
At any rate I'm feeling better, I don't hate my condo anymore, it feels like a home and I have curtains! Yes I love them and look at them everyday with happiness. I even want to invite people over. Not a lot! But there are things that still need to be done soon. The first thing I want once I get my property taxes and my couch loan paid off is a pantry. I know where I want it and it'll be perfect for cutting off the view from the kitchen to the bathroom. Drives me crazy that I can see my bathroom from the kitchen 😆 I like, love open concept but not to my bathroom. I do wish I could have gotten a two bedroom but considering things at work, I had to take what I got to get out of my old city in time before they cut off the remote workers. Apparently the month after they moved me to remote, someone had to go on medical leave because they aren't allowing any more remote workers. Which I honestly think it's bullshit.
I know I am getting bored of my job lately, or maybe more that I'm getting tired of dealing with the same thing over and over again and now that the bitch is showing similarities to the asshole they fired I have no interest in going through this all over again. I'm not interested in losing my peace of mind over it anymore. My boss doesn't know but last week I found 8 cases she screwed up on. I only told him about one. And I only told him because it affected me and I'm working time and effort to get it corrected and done. The others that landed in my view are not because I was looking for them, I just happen to see the cases when looking for something else and noticed it not done properly. But I'm not the boss and I'm tired of supplying him with stuff to do coaching conversations with. I'd really like to use that energy to do some learning.
I can't afford to do school right now, but if I could I'd want to take a writing course, a language course and data science courses. I also was thinking about cooking classes. I'm a terrible cook and I've wasted a lot of food lately trying to make decent meals. But I did make a decent tomato chutney last week.
Oh and the migraines have been less lately. Which is good. I have to be careful about the heat and keeping my water up which is hard when I've cut so much sodium and I already kind of hate water but I'm working on it. But my life really does feel like it's turned a corner and I'm grateful for it. And now Vayda pics that I know y'all want 😂
She's definitely aging y'all.