99 Days Without You || Laindrew style
Dear Laine,
X Xth
It's been two weeks since you left. Alice and Jamie have been helping me cope but I still haven't been coping well. Alice, kind and naive as always, has convinced me to see a therapist because everything she says reminds me of you and makes me feel worse. Jamie doesn't say much about it, and sometimes when Alice is gone she sits on the couch next to me and lets me play with her curls. You'd think Jamie trying to make me feel better in the only way she knew how would help, but it doesn't. It's just a reminder that she's being nice for a reason.
They're worried about me, I guess. I'm worried. My therapist is worried. I guess we're all just worried. She gave me this journal I'm writing in, so that I can get my feelings out. I didn't know what to write though. The minute I picked up a pen I started crying and I couldn't write anything. I wanted to write to you, but I knew I would look crazy.
But the truth is that I am going crazy. I'm not okay at all and even though I know she'll be reading this and will probably send me to a nut house or something it doesn't really matter. Nothing matters anymore when you're not here. I keep sitting here thinking about how you'd be worried knowing that I'm writing to you when it's obviously not going to be good for me, but you're not even here to worry in the first place.
X Xth
It was fairly normal to wake up and not have you sleeping next to me. I mean, you were in school and had to get up early sometimes, so when I turned over and didn't run into you I didn't think much of it. I just yawned and stretched, sitting there for about five minutes before a sense of alarm came over me for some reason. I fell out of the bed in a tangle of sheets and I crawled out the door to your bedroom; where I ended up most nights just because I missed you sometimes even if nothing was going on between us anymore. I was going through the refrigerator when my cell phone started ringing, and I grabbed it feeling puzzled at the number I didn't recognize.
It was the hospital. They called me since I was the only emergency contact close and I had to wiggle into my shoes before running out the door of our flat. The car wasn't there so I had to run to the bus stop and take the bus to the hospital. You were in the ICU, and I had been yelling at the lady at the front desk to tell me what room number you were in. She told me to calm down as she searched for your name and I knew I should but I couldn't She gave me the number and I rushed down the hall to the ICU. Once I got to your room they were already rolling you out of it on a gurney, a sheet over your body and I broke down right there in the hall. I just dropped to my knees and sobbed, and one of the nurses tried to calm me down, which didn't work. One nurse soon because two, and two became three, and three became a needle that was being pressed into my arm and my world went fuzzy before I passed out; sedated.
I woke up to absolutely no one in my room and it made my stomach churn. Every time I'd waken up at a hospital you were there, or I had a text or missed phone call from you, and I scrambled for my phone but there was nothing and it made my heart ache. I couldn't believe you were gone. I still don't. I'm waiting for the day you come back and apologize about being gone so long; you were at the library and got caught up reading the most amazing series you couldn't tear yourself away from. And I'm waiting so I can bother you about not eating enough and drag you out to dinner and we can just talk about nothing and everything.
Because you're not gone. You're just not.
X Xth
The flat was terribly quiet the next few days. Your body was being taken back to California, by request of your parents, and I had a plane to catch there, but I couldn't make myself get up. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I could barely make myself get off the couch and go to bed. I had to request to get off work, and Mimi insisted I take off as much time as I needed. She knew I was hurt, and she gave me a bunch of cakes to take home but I can't eat them. I can't anything. It's too quiet. There's not enough noise. There's not enough sounds of pages turning. There's not enough doors opening and closing and there's not enough pencil scratching on paper noises. There's not enough you.
X Xth
I found your note the day I was leaving for the airport. It was mostly under the refrigerator, and I wouldn't have noticed it had one of the magnets never fallen off. I wondered why a magnet would fall off in the first place, but I bent to pick it up. But your note was there, forgotten about because as before the magnet holding the note on the refrigerator had fallen off. Your handwriting left me stunned, and I immediately started searching the flat, half expecting you to jump out of nowhere and tackle me to the ground and ask me what I've been up to and why your room was so messy when you hadn't been home for a few days. But you didn't, and I looked back down at the note to read it.
Breakfast. You'd waken up early because I'd kept kicking you in my sleep so you'd left to get us breakfast because we needed desperately to go grocery shopping but hadn't found the time. You said to sit tight and make tea if I woke up before you got back, and then continued to ramble about how you shouldn't have to explain the waking up part but you were writing in pen. I hadn't even realized I was crying until one of my tears hit the paper and left a stain.
I felt like it was my fault. Everything was my fault.
X Xth
Two days later I'd gotten back to California. I went right home, because I didn't feel like dealing with a lot of people. My whole family was at home though, and they tried to look sympathetic but also tried not to push it because it was common knowledge in my family that I was pretty sensitive.
Your family was arranging your funeral, a fact that seemed to make my parents really irritated. Especially my mom. She sat in the kitchen trying to rant quietly about it but I could still hear it from the living room where Elyse was trying to distract me. She knew what buttons not to push and didn't push them. It made me feel kind of guilty, because it must've been hard on her too.
You know she used to like you? She liked you a lot actually. Sophomore year, when I was dating Hannah. She told me that she really liked you and asked if she'd have a shot if she asked you out on a date. I told her girls aren't supposed to ask guys out, but she pinched me and just told me to answer the question and that I needed to get out of my old fashioned views. Anyways... I got a little jealous and told her no. I told her that she wasn't your type, even though I didn't even know your type until you actually started showing interest in girls, which was a year later. I'm not entirely sure why I lied to her, but then again it wasn't like it was a foreign thing for me to hide things.
I wonder what would've happened if I told her to just ask and see what happened.
X Xth
I've been incredibly tired these past few days. Being in California has been wearing me out. Your funeral was frustrating. I could hardly mourn because your parents had made it so impersonal and like they hardly even knew you. I suppose that's pretty accurate. Ryan probably would've been able to plan a better funeral than that. They didn't know your favorite color, or your favorite kind of tea. I couldn't let the fact that you're gone sink in properly because everything was grating on my nerves. My family was on one side of me, with Alice, Layla, and Jamie on the other side. Jamie let a tear slip, and it was probably the only time I'll ever see her cry. There were a lot of tears as you were lowered into the ground, but none of them came from me.
You're not gone. You're not.
X Xth
Your parents sold your flat. I kept telling them not to, but you know they don't like me much. I asked Mimi to get the spare key from under the mat and send all our stuff to my parents house. I've been staying there for a while now. I haven't gotten any of the boxes yet, but I'm still waiting. I hope you don't go home and wonder why there are a bunch of strangers in our flat. I'm sorry I couldn't stop your parents.
X Xth
I found an old photo album in the basement. It was filled with a bunch of pictures from second grade. Remember when I made you join club soccer with me but all you did was sit on the bench and read? I wish you would've played more. You actually weren't that bad of a player. You would've made a pretty wicked goalie, I think. Anyways, I found my old soccer jersey too. It's so small. God life goes by fast, doesn't it? It seems like just yesterday when I was avoiding you after we kissed at that camp bonfire.
Now I feel like things are the other way around. Why are you avoiding me?
X Xth
I saw Jamie and Alice today. Alice seemed to be overly chipper and Jamie kept insulting the way I looked like a complete mess. I don't really know what to do with myself, honestly. I don't know if you realized this, but I didn't realize until after you disappeared that I relied on you a lot. You were kind of that constant I think I needed to keep my head in check. But you left and now I'm just kind of... everywhere. I always end up being everywhere and nowhere at the same time when you're not around.
I just wish you'd come back so I don't have to feel this way anymore.
X Xth
Alice and Jamie invited me to move in with them. I didn't really know how to react, so I just nodded my head. Jamie shrugged, but seemed mildly pleased. You know Alice; she got all excited and said that we'd have to invite Ryan over to celebrate, have a housewarming party for me. I missed Alice and Jamie, but I know it won't be the same as when I shared a flat with you.
X Xth
Today's the housewarming party that Alice planned. It's actually going on right now. Layla's here, and things feel really weird. I kind of disappeared into my room, because I don't feel like talking to anyone, really. That's probably a surprise, huh? Since when do I dislike parties?
Alice had to drag me out of bed this morning. Or well, she tried and then Jamie finished the job. Her and her scissors. They physically forced me into the shower - Alice had the grace to make it a little less awkward by leaving once I was in but Jamie didn't have the same mercy. Then again it's not as if Jamie hasn't seen me naked before so, I guess the initial wonder of it's gone.
Someone's knocking on my door. I'll catch up with you later.
X Xth
I might've slept with Jamie.
I don't really know how to explain myself.
Layla knocked on my door, and I let her in to talk to me. And after a while of us talking Alice came in and offered us cupcakes. And they were your favorite. Which, I mean... okay, they were just vanilla because you're so fucking boring sometimes but I started crying. Embarrassingly hard. After a while of them coddling me Jamie came in and shooed them out. And like, it was completely innocent at first, honest. I don't really remember at what point it stopped being me crying into her shirt and started being... yeah. But still.
I'm sorry. I just-. It's taking you so long to get back I don't think you ever will.
X Xth
You know how you always used to get worried when I'd stay out late after a gig? It was like if I wasn't back yet your Andrew-senses would randomly turn on and you'd realize I wasn't there. And you'd just sit in the living room and wait for me to get back.
Alice did that today. It made me feel kind of bad.
X Xth
Jamie yelled at me today.
Her and Alice stole my journal because they were curious about what I always write about. She kept telling me that you're not coming back, and I made Alice cry, and like-... It's none of their business what I write. Jamie said she'd take my journal away if I kept being crazy. It might be a while until I write you again, just because well. You know.
X Xth
I can't do it anymore. I can't sit here every day and pretend like I'm okay, or that I'm getting better. I'm not. I can't deal with the guilt anymore. You're gone, and it's all my fault. I don't understand why you had to leave. I don't understand how it's fair that you had to go but I'm just here. If anyone should've died first it should've been me. We both know that, right? I was supposed to die first. Not you.
Jamie and Alice went to the store. I'll see you soon.
Love always,
Andrew Camden Wylie