#lan weeps

[dishwashercowboy]

i do want to get close to people. deep down i just want someone to be close to me, be mine in a platonic sense. but the pain of losing it all, all of a sudden, is something i don't ever want to experience ever again. it plummeled me into one of the deepest, darkest pits i've ever been in my life. lashing out, and acting out of my mind, lying and deceiving, and finally losing myself. it hurt me so much.

[dishwashercowboy]

there was like one time the mod of the server i was in showed how someone that was in the server got banned and there was proof. the proof was something that was happening recently, i think. i was just recovering from being sick so i didn't mind it (and the server told us not to talk of anyone that had been banned)

i'm scared the same thing is going to happen to me. i've laid off the app for a while, even uninstalled it a few times because it just brings really bitter memories of things i did. i'm scared someone is going to pull up screenshots of what i did if i try to socialise and join servers again. although i am changing for the better, i know none of them see that (they've blocked me on every platform), which makes me think, 'wouldn't they assume i never learnt?'

society forgives people when they see change. but they don't. and i'm scared the truth is they'll never forgive me because they think i'm irredeemable, for the reason that they don't see i'm actively trying my best. and for this reason too i just stopped socialising on servers all together. it's a genuine fear. i've wrecked my own life

maybe it's time i stop interacting with the fandom, or something? just enjoy myself being alone as it is? i don't know.

[dishwashercowboy]

it's pride month in a few days so to the queer moots reading this, happy early pride month <3. that's first and foremost

this month reminds me of how in the first incident people thought i was homophobic because i worded my words awfully wrong and it ruined my life like absolutely. i'm trying to change and carefully word what i want to say since then, however it's been bitter because i've never been homophobic, but i feel like everyone's just slapped that label onto me for life now. the second incident didn't make anything better (everything was my undoing anyway).

i can't lie when i say i haven't actually moved on. i haven't consulted a real therapist to talk with. admittedly my faith has been numbed ever since the first incident because i couldn't push myself to commit to deeds. luckily my urge to commit suicide or self harm isn't at all-times high anymore.

the incident still disturbs me because i never got to apologise for one last time. i know none of them would accept it but i thought it would provide closure

somedays i feel hatred for everyone involved or myself. somedays i don't think about it at all. really weird times

[dishwashercowboy]

it's going to be 4 months since then and i don't know how to feel about that

[dishwashercowboy]

im glad im forgetting about things now but i can't deny that it has forever stunted my chances to be in a social group. if anyone ever brought that up all of a sudden i'd highkey kill myself. i am so not kidding

[dishwashercowboy]

there are certain songs and characters i cannot enjoy properly anymore because all it does is remind me of the incident

[dishwashercowboy]

a senior from my school was found dead today from a freak motorcycle accident

the people in my class were discussing his death, because it was confusing what he was doing so far away from home without his parents' knowledge. he was also, i quote, 'a good man'

his death was saddening, but the reactions towards his death reminded me of how badly i wanted to kill myself during march this year to get this exact reaction. at that time i was overcome with guilt and the whole point of me wanting to kill myself was to show that i really felt guilty for doing that and i didn't do 'those' with malicious intent. also, to me, suicide was also 'the only punishment that could atone for my actions'

i'm trying my best to learn from the past now. but i can't help but sometimes think about the good conversations 'we' could've had if none of this happened

[dishwashercowboy]

i've been having recurring nightmares. they're spaced out, but this time i had twice the nightmare in a night

i was tired from studying and i couldn't retain any more information so i knew i had to rest

i dreamt of being touched, by that guy, in uncomfortable ways like pulling my shirt and being poked at my sides. i kept saying 'it's not funny anymore'

the second one was about my past. it was a chat of someone i used to love and someone i wronged in those three incidents. i was being warned, like those months, and i was also apparently being insulted too. in my native language and english. he said that i was a faux know-it-all, proving that i was way more gullible than each one of them from the incident, and that i was also rigid

also this seems silly but there was tiziano and squalo in that dream. maybe because i associated them with that person

anyway in that dream he blocked me and stuff and i saw myself doing the ritual of deleting the chat and that person

i remember checking one of the social media apps involved right after i've deleted the chat and feeling relieved no one else scolded me

but i swear i felt the uncomfortable feeling, the feeling of pain in that dream