Summary: Jai visits their mother's grave on her birthday and is overwhelmed by emotion as he catches up with her.
Word count: 2,931
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Jai stood at the foot of the grave holding a bouquet of white roses. He was grateful the cemetery was mostly empty because he wanted privacy as he visited his mother. It would have been her fifty-fifth birthday. Jai had not visited her grave in many years. He did sometimes dream of her, and those tended to be the only interactions he had with her. In his dreams she would lend him a shoulder to cry on because he felt stressed. He hadn’t been given such an opportunity in many years, and it was only in his dreams that he felt comfortable being vulnerable.
He bent down and placed the roses against the headstone, then knelt down and sat in front of the grave. Traced her name with the tips of his fingers as though it were something holy. Although it had happened so long ago, he still felt a gaping hole in his heart due to her absence from his life. Perhaps she was the only person he had really felt affection for as a child. He’d never forget how compassionate she’d been towards him. He’d been sidelined for all his life for his damned stutter, but she’d never pointed it out mockingly. Instead, despite his being shunned and ridiculed for it, she’d told him that it made him special. She’d said she liked it because it was unique. Quirky, even. That he should like it, too.
“Happy bi-birthday, mom,” Jai said, smiling sadly. For the first time, he wished that she could see the man he’d grown up to be. Not so long ago, he’d felt a deep-seated shame that perhaps she wouldn’t be so proud of. After all, he had been a violent tyrant. A far cry from the innocent and doting son he used to be. He’d kill without thinking twice about the damage done. He thrived off of instilling fear in those around him and he’d loved it. Or so he thought.
Since sacrificing himself for Lava and Kusa, he turned a new leaf. Much had changed. It was as though the goodness in him was slowly being replenished, that he’d rediscovered a zest for life that he hadn’t had in so long. That he might even be capable of living and caring for and doing nice things for people. And liking seeing them happy because of him. It was a strange feeling...enjoying doing things for others.
Of course he still felt wary at times of exposing himself. Letting his guard down too much. He especially hated when he expressed the slightest kindness and was teased for it afterward. But he was taking things a step at a time, with his brothers’ help. Gradually opening up and allowing others to see him for who he really was—a young man with desires, hopes, and dreams. And not regretting it afterward.
“I don’t kn-know if you can hear me or not...to be honest, I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife at all. Maybe th-that’s why I’ve been so…the way I’ve been. Because I thought I’d get away with it. But if you can hear me, I ho-hope you’re at least at peace. If you can’t…then I guess I just need to pretend you’re here because I need to talk. Being the selfish ma-an I am.”
He felt awkward talking like this to his mother. To be honest, Jai wasn’t much of a talker to begin with. He tended to avoid saying more than was necessary because he hated the sound of his stuttering voice. But somehow, he’d been emotional today and felt like he needed some form of reassurance from her. He inhaled deeply and continued talking.
“I found Lava and Kusa again...it’s we-weird to say it, but it’s always so surprising how they look almost exactly like me. Sometimes I hate watching their faces when talking to them...it’s like seeing who I could have become if I’d reached my potential.” Jai paused, glanced around as though someone could overhear him. Looked back at the headstone and tried to relax. No one’s nearby, he told himself. It’s okay. “But we’re all so di-different. I’m so different.” Jai cast his eyes downward guiltily. “I don’t know how I could be so stupid to let my rough childhood define me the way I di-id. I feel like it shaped me into such a hateful ma-man.”
He felt embarrassed just thinking about how he resented his brothers so much as a child. Now that he reminisced about the past, he felt stupid for being so angry back then. Even though, at the time, he’d hated his brothers for being held on a pedestal before him. And perhaps anyone would have felt the same way, if they’d been raised as he had. Sometimes he wondered if his stutter wouldn’t have gradually vanished if he’d just been happier back then.
“I m-miss you a lot, though. You were always so kind to me. Made me feel like I wasn’t as alone as I thought I w-was. I miss...I miss your hugs.” Jai scratched the side of his head sheepishly as his eyes unconsciously narrowed at himself. Like he couldn’t even believe what he was saying. It was still so hard for him sometimes...being nice. Even when he wasn’t sure if anyone was listening.
“But I’m not the same boy you raised,” He said, eyes hardening further. “I hu-hurt so many people, mom. Even tried killing Lava and Kusa. I would have killed anyone if they crossed me.” Jai sighed shakily. “I was bad. So bad. And I th-thought I’d never escape the pull of hurting others until it was too late. I feel like I should have just died that day,” he added, almost as an afterthought. “ I sh-should have,” he decided. “I should have died.”
Tears welled up in his eyes, remembering that car with the bomb attached to it. The one with which he’d intended to instantly kill his brothers. They would have been engulfed in flames, but he would have been forced to endure a life in hell if the murder had been carried to completion. Jai blinked rapidly as his hands trembled in his lap. “I can’t be-believe I almost did that. That I could have done that to my own brothers. My brothers who are as identical to me as they are my opposites.”
Jai’s voice cracked as he lowered his head in shame, suddenly feeling like he didn’t deserve to be here sitting in front of his mother’s grave. If she’d seen the type of man he’d been up until now she’d probably spit in his face. Tell him to disappear out of her life forever. How could anyone love a monster like him? Tears spilled down his cheeks as his body was wracked with sobs. Sobs—for what? He wasn’t even sure anymore. For his mother? For the agony he’d dealt towards others? For the agony he was so close to dealing to his own brothers? For the man he used to be and that he could never fully escape no matter how hard he tried? He didn’t know for certain.
All he knew was that he wanted to change.
Jai swiped at his wet eyes, feeling lightheaded. A rush of desire overwhelmed him as he wished he could be like Lava—trade places with him, even. Lava, whose eyes were always tender and filled with love. He was so generous and compassionate. He genuinely cared for others’ well-being. Jai’s heart twinged sharply as he realized that maybe he not only idolized his brother, but also deeply envied him. Maybe even hated him for being so pure...so untainted in this harsh world. It almost made his blood boil that life had been so cruel to Jai while his brother had been able to live as a morally righteous man with no guilt weighing on him. He felt that familiar surge of desire to maim and kill the man with the power of his mind... But it really would be like attacking himself, in the end. That was what hurt the most. They were so emotionally attached that he couldn’t do it without wanting to kill himself in the aftermath. The worst of it was that even Kusa, who was a criminal as well, was still a saint compared to Jai.
“I di-didn’t think I was capable of compassion until recently. Just thinking about how we share this steely bond, how we sometimes seem to think like one, share the same mind almost…we’re so connected. I think I love them more than anything,” Jai murmured dazedly. He began admitting things he didn’t even like to think to himself when he was alone. A whirlwind of emotion rushed within him. “I ne-never felt love for anyone before. I never let myself grow close enough to someone to fe-feel it. I feared intimacy...affection. It even disgusted me.” Jai was sweating now, knowing he was admitting unspeakable things. But he couldn’t stop as the dam within him had burst, allowing him to reveal these hidden parts of himself. “And sometimes I think about things I’ve done, and I feel like I could ne-never deserve forgiveness, to be seen as an equal to others. But Kusa and Lava...they treat me like I’m their equal. Th-they forgave me for the unforgivable. When I don’t even deserve it.” Jai bowed his head as he stared at his hands. “What do I do, Mom? How can I accept such lo-love from them? When I’ve been so evil and cold-hearted? When I’m a mo-monster? A monster...I’m a monst—”
“You’re not a monster.”
Jai’s eyes widened and his heart froze at the soft-spoken voice coming from behind him—a voice that was as gentle as a breeze, yet strangely like his own rough and gravelly one.
One that could only belong to one person.
Jai meekly turned around and saw Lava standing behind him carrying a bouquet of multi-colored flowers. He had an easy smile on his face as he stepped forward to place the flowers next to Jai’s white roses. He sat across from Jai, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he smiled bitterly. “You wouldn’t be here if you were a bad guy, Jai. You need to accept the fact that you’ve changed.”
Very kind words, and perhaps what he needed to hear, but he felt like he couldn’t accept them so easily. He felt awkward and uneasy, knowing his brother had heard him expose himself to their mother. Depending on how much he had overheard, anyway. He blushed in embarrassment, realizing Lava may have at least heard him say that he ‘loved them more than anything’. He found he had trouble looking Lava in the eye, as though he’d be met by an amused sparkle.
“But ch-change isn’t easy,” Jai argued, forcing his practiced scowl onto his face. Looking mean always helped him when he felt weak. “I’ve been evil for so long. How do you know I won’t cut your fi-fingers off for disagreeing with me in the future? Because that’s something I would have done in the past. I don’t trust myself,” he added as an afterthought.
“The past is in the past and that’s where it should stay,” Lava said wisely. “But it’s up to you to make sure of that. You’re the only one being hard on yourself, so learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes. Just don’t make new ones, okay?” Lava’s lips quirked upward in an amused smile. “Or else I’ll beat you up.”
Jai forced down his laugh at his brother’s attempted joke, unable to accept his words. His scowl deepened, contorted his features as his eyes welled up with tears. “But I ki-illed people like it was nothing. I would have killed you, too. You, who were so kind to me. You both would have di-died if you hadn’t been lucky enough to learn of the bomb.” Jai sobbed brokenly knowing there was nothing Lava could say that would make him feel better. He was lucky they had survived what should have been certain death. He ached terribly, haunted by the decision he’d made that day.
Lava was silent for a few seconds as Jai heaved sobs with his head bowed. He shifted towards Jai slightly, placed a hand on his shoulder, making him tense up. “It was a mistake. A grave one, I admit, but that’s all it was, Jai. You made a mistake because you’re human. Not a monster. You’re just very, very flawed and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I would have do-done it,” Jai said, eyes glazed as he imagined the explosion...their graves.“Because I saw it as just another couple of deaths. Another couple of ca-casualties. That’s all you two were to me. Just a number.” He shuddered at himself. “I don’t deser—”
“Shut up,” Lava said as he took hold of Jai’s rough, calloused hands, squeezing them gently. “Just shut up.”
Jai bit his lip as tears continued rolling down his face. He never allowed himself to cry in front of people, yet he almost felt comfortable doing so in front of Lava, someone who he knew wouldn’t pass judgment on him. At least not cruelly. He briefly wondered if it was possible his brother was in fact perfect. Then again, almost anyone was, compared to him. “You wo-wouldn’t even be here right now...I’m a bad guy. A bad guy...” Jai muttered brokenly, almost as though it was comforting for him to repeat this to himself. He felt tempted to rock back and forth like a madman and keep repeating it like a mantra. “Horrible…”
“Even if you are,” Lava said, pulling him into a warm hug, holding him tightly. “Even if you’re the most evil, despicable monster in the world, you’re still my brother. And I don’t see you as Raavana. Forget that name. You’re Jai. Good, kind Jai.”
Jai’s eyes widened. It was like he’d needed to hear this from his brother all along just so he could believe it. Or at least start to...it took all he had not to smile at such kind words. His lips wobbled as he struggled to control his emotions. Struggled to revert back to his sour demeanor. He felt like a mess...
“I’m here for you.” Lava paused briefly to press a kiss against his hot, wet cheek. “As long as I’m alive. Because I love you, Jai. We love you.”
And those words...’I love you’...they managed to rip a raspy sob out of Jai the likes of which he’d never vocalized in his entire life, not even as an infant. It would have embarrassed him if he were in his right mind. Instead he sobbed raggedly in his brother’s arms, wishing he could expel all of the self-hatred he felt along with his tears. He wished he could love himself as much as he loved his brothers. His mother. He wished he could free himself from the burden of being him.
“How can you lo-love me,” Jai rasped out between breaths as he clutched at his brother. He couldn’t understand it at all. He didn’t understand the concept of forgiveness. He was so used to revenge and hurting others for his benefit that it still flew entirely over his head. He felt dazed by it. “How? I don’t deserve to have your damn fa-face, let alone your love…”
Lava rubbed his back soothingly as though he were a small child. Murmured sweet things to him, trying to console him, almost as though he were their mother instead. The things he said were things Jai had always wanted to hear. And now that he was hearing them, they seemed to fill a vast void within his soul. It made him feel heard and it felt so good he could only weep at it.
“I love you,” Jai said despite himself, and the way he said it was like a revelation, like he had discovered something holy and enlightening to his core. He didn’t even regret the raw emotion with which he’d said it. “I love you,” he said again, this time just because he liked the way it sounded, him saying this. An evil monster saying it. He never felt so exposed in all his life, so open and vulnerable that his entire body felt flushed as though it were embarrassed just to be a part of him. Yet for some reason, it felt strangely nice.
Reassuring.
They sat there in front of the grave just holding onto one another for several minutes, up until it started to rain. And even then, they remained a while longer, just relishing the feel of each other’s bodies. It felt so wonderful to have someone who was like another part of him to hold onto like this. In fact, it even felt heavenly. Maybe he was the one in heaven after all. That was how it felt being in his brother’s loving embrace.
Jai unconsciously nuzzled his face against Lava’s shoulder, liking the intimacy of the act. Was this what it felt like to care about another person’s well-being? To enjoy their company and comfort? It was enthralling...it made him crave it, want to fill his heart to the brim. As he held onto Lava he wondered insanely if maybe some of his brother’s goodness was even rubbing off on him. Like he was a magical entity. It was oddly beautiful.
I love halfdragons, so I write a ton of fanfic about them. And thus, this little pic of Chitti with Jai and full dragon Lavawas born. They have their wings hidden because if they had them up, they'd cover everything! And the sheets they're laying on are Chitti's hoard: Fabric!
You can read the fic that goes with this here:
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Forget what is your Hogwarts house... What's your Pokemon type says much more about you! So here are Jai, Lava and Kusa from, well, Jai, Lava, Kusa, with their Pokemon.
Jai's Sylveon is called Axe. And they bite HARD. Jai is the only one of the triplets with a full team, as he's the Gym leader. Despite being known as the demon Ravana, his full team are adorable cute Faery type. But Axe is his lead.
Lava is not very interested in Pokemon fights, or contests, or anything, but he has a Pidove that follows him everywhere. Originally, he hadn't named her, but once the triplets reunited, and Kusa saw how... naive Lava is, he named the Pidove "Braincell". And it stuck. Braincell is a bit scatterbrained, but if you try to hurt Lava? She will become FERAL.
Kusa's most trusted sidekick is his Nickit, Dollar. They have done many, many great robberies together. Sometimes Kusa will step on the Gym duties as a test for trainers, because if they can't survive against Dollar and Kusa? They have NO Chance against Jai's Faery Cute Team.
(If you want your own fave characters with their pokemon, you can check out my commission form at Artistree!
