#leaanswers

[irlactualhuman]

FUCK YES

About goddamn time I swear to fuck. I got Hella cusses inside me. Shit.

[irlactualhuman]

Lea Shepherd,

It has come to the attention of the HR department that you have been using your corporate email to both offer and request sexual favors from several of your coworkers on company time, and in a seemingly official capacity. This is a clear violation of company policy regarding sexual conduct in the office, on official channels, and during work hours. Our policy clearly states that benefits not considered "earned rewards", such as target bonuses, cannot be distributed to employees evenly, including so-called "social benefits".

To comply with policy, we ask that you either cease all sexual activity described herein immediately, or agree to both offer and receive such sexual services from all employees equally. The entire HR team would strongly urge you to choose the latter option, as it will not only go a long way to undoing the sense of unfairness this conduct has instilled in many employees, but will also likely improve overall corporate moral, including for us here in HR.

If you do choose the latter option, as we most certainly hope you will, HR may be required to change the designation and official duties of your employment, as it is likely this even distribution of activity will severely limit your capacity to carry out your existing work. Management has, however, already given the green light on this, as they are all eager for your well documented talents to become more widely available.

Please respond to this email with your selection by noon this coming Monday, so HR and Management can move forward and take any necessary adjustments to ensure your continued success with us.

Thank you for your time and for that thing you did the other day in the break room,

Laika Loveless HR Manager

Laika Loveless,

After due consideration, I will conditionally accept this new position within the company that Management has seen fit to develop for me. My stipulations are outlined as follows:

Pay increase commensurate to my increase in duties. We can scarcely say that I was compensated fairly for my admittedly assumed duties up to this point, but we can use them as a spring board. Based on my new adjusted workload intake, I would expect no less than a 130% increased salary yearly.

As I will be moving to a more physically intensive position within the company, this must be non-exempt.

I will require at minimum two PA's under my direct supervision. I do not have any singular or outstanding requests as to their work history or training beyond the ability to administer good and frequent massages.

Finally. I want Jessica's office. The nice one on the 3rd floor with the bay window. If you'll circle back to me on this in person, Ms. Loveless, I can review with you some additional information I may have pertinent to this request.

I am certain we can come to an understanding on all further points related to job function, the filing of appointments, and commission. The Christmas party will be sublime, this year.

I am thrilled to be helming this new venture on behalf of the company. It is as my father always told me, "get on your knees, girl!" He was right, and I am sincerely flattered to have my accomplishments so keenly realized by my superiors.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

- Lea Shepherd

Title Pending (Might I suggest Morale Officer?)

PS: GIRL I TOLD YOU WE GONNA MAKE THIS HAPPEN JESSICA IS FCKIN THROUGH see you at drinks at Marty's honey. kisses!

[irlactualhuman]

I. Have no idea how to answer this. What.

[irlactualhuman]

what the last good sandwich you had?

Ooo. I might have a picture. Mufaletta. Salami and ham. There's a deli near where I work that does such a fuckin good mufaletta. Queen of sammiches.

[irlactualhuman]

I think if we dated you would help me be weirder and better.

Twould be a truly unhinged union.

Unfortunately, you will have to stay hinged, boring and worse.

I don't date cowards.

[irlactualhuman]

WAIT YOU HAVE A CHILD?!?!

Honey, I'm 34 and made the vast majority of my mistakes early in my life. Not that the kid is a mistake. Defo not on purpose, but a Bob Ross style happy accident. She's gonna be a beautiful tree. Or a happy little bush.

My kid is old enough to be going through puberty at the same time I'm dealing with my second.

[irlactualhuman]

oooh ok if you need voice acting ideas may I suggest: a section of Hera’s monologue from episode 11 of Wolf 359, Am I Alone Now? it’s quite long which is why I suggested doing just a section lol, but it’s very good. you can find the script here.

I like this. I subscribed. Working on it. I did one take and fell in love. Correcting some mistakes. I may do nearly the whole monologue. I fucking love the writing.

Wolf 359 - Official Playlist

A link to the thing. I'll post when I'm done.

[irlactualhuman]

I love you Lea but even you won't get me to listen to a podcast

But you do love me.