#learningtoliveanddream

[learningtoliveanddream11]

When I say I don't need anything

Or turn down your offer to help

I'm not being independent

I don't have it all covered, all figured out

But I remember the shape your help takes

I have learned that when I ask for what I need

I become too much, too loud, too needy, too inconvenient

I have learned that you'll agree to help

And then be too busy, too tired, too forgetful

And you will let me down, not following through

On what you said you would do

So I convince myself that I don't need you

That I don't need anyone but me

Because you taught me that

Accepting or asking for help really means

Being a burden and feeling disappointed in myself for having to ask

And in you, for showing me how little my needs mattered

Now behind every "I'm fine. Thanks." is a well of sadness

You helped create.

-LearningToLiveAndDream

[learningtoliveanddream11]

Why didn’t I cuddle you more? Lay my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat. Feel my breathing sync up with yours and know that we were in this together, so much so that our actual hearts beat as one. 

Or maybe they wouldn’t have. Maybe we wanted them to and instead they beat to their own rhythms the whole time, which is why we ended. Always offbeat from one another. Never quite in sync but always complimentary. 

Now I roll over and cuddle my pillow in your place, wishing I’d checked, years before we parted. Maybe then my chest wouldn’t feel so hollow now. Our hearts might not have beat in sync but I worry my heart has forgotten to beat without yours near. Like yours helped mine keep time, like yours gave mine reasons to keep beating.

-LearningToLiveAndDream

[learningtoliveanddream11]

Every once in a while we make a bad choice. You may look down and see a knife in your belly or feel the sharp sting of their blade in your back. We tend our wounds and nurse our egos, but there is no returning to normal. There is no route back to who you were, no matter how indirect. You are changed. What matters is what you do with that change. Do you let the horror of it happening, the rage that it happened, the fear that it might happen again, stop you from living? Do you let it stop you from loving with your whole heart? Do you let it stop you... at all? Is that what you learned? That the world is a horrible, scary place simply because one person hurt you. No, I think you learned that you are strong, you are resilient, you can do difficult things even when your own mind says they are impossible! Or maybe you learned how brave you are. Brave enough to try again. Brave enough to stand true to yourself, even as all you once knew fades away, making room for what is to come.

-LearningToLiveAndDream

[learningtoliveanddream11]

In Another Life...

In another life, I left home for college, Not just my house, my city, but the state. I flew across the country, leaving everyone and everything I've ever known To explore a new place with new people, gazing into the distance future With an open heart and hopefilled eyes. In another life, I followed my heart. I chose the scary path, the one with less traditional success  And more paths unknown to me. I took greater risks and often felt the sting of loss and failure, Questioning whether I had made a mistake by not playing it safe. In another life, I never reconnected with my love, Never relit the fire that burned in our teens, Never came to know his soul as if it had always been a part of my own. We never grew together, never mourned together,  Never got the answers we didn't even know we were looking for. In another life, I'm not alone now. Or maybe, I am. Maybe I got married to a man who looked at me like I was his reason And maybe we had the son, who's starred in my dreams for decades. A little boy with bright eyes, who crawls into bed with us before dawn Because a family cuddle is the best way to start the day. In another life, I experienced absolute joy and devastating sadness. I mourned my losses and celebrated my strengths. I loved my friends and family and did my best to be a good person. In another life, I would be different. Maybe not the same me I am now. It's easy to wonder who I would be and how I got there.  And equally easy to forget, how thankful I am to be here. I think of her, but I like to imagine that she thinks of me too. -LearningToLiveAndDream

[learningtoliveanddream11]

And so begins that time of year... when we begin to reflect on the year behind us and try (often in vain) to predict the year ahead. When everyone posts about the great year they've had, often omitting parts of the story to make their lives sound better than they are. Congratulate them and move on. Comparison will rob you of your joy.

In case you've forgotten, in case you didn't know, in case no one has ever told you... It's okay if all you did this year was survive. It's okay if all you did was put on foot in front of the other and trudge through the year with your head down.

In case no one has said it... I am so glad you did. I am so glad you are still here. I am so glad you are still getting up and making your way in the world. I cannot wait to see who and what you become, what you can accomplish. Not because I expect great feats from you, but because we are each uniquely beautiful and, my dear, the world would be less without the beauty of your soul in it.

-LearningToLiveAndDream

[learningtoliveanddream11]

There are so many times in my life that I've sat down, tired and bereft of my own spark, thinking existing wasn't what I wanted. I am so glad that I'm doing better and that I've learned and had the opportunity to grow because I stayed. But now I'm alone because he walked away again. Except he didn't walk away fully. He still comes and goes and while part of me enjoys the strong friendship we have and the laughter we share... I also know there's no truly moving on while he's in my life. And I want to move on. I deserve to move on.

I deserve a partner who loves all of me and wants me. I want a partner who I can laugh and play with. I want a partner who leans on me and I can lean on in return but also one who is capable of being an independent person without relying on me like a caregiver. I want a partner who will hold me when I cry but also hold me accountable. I want a partner who will travel with me but who will also stay in with me, while I cuddle up with a good book. I want someone who sees me and thinks, "I'm so lucky she's mine." And really, I'd be so lucky to be his.

[learningtoliveanddream11]

I keep finding pieces of my love, stashed in all corners of my home, and in my phone... Videos I wanted to share, but didn't want to overwhelm you with too many in one day. Quotes I thought you would find funny. Jokes I knew would make you laugh. Excerpts I thought you could relate to. Bits of wisdom I hoped would be helpful. Screenshots of posts, of poems, like digital love letters that would help me express the feelings I feared that maybe you didn't understand.

And now I'm left with all these reminders of what I didn't say, of messages I didn't send, of things I never shared. I wonder what difference it would have made. If in those low moments, looking back, when you expressed that you felt like I was mad at you, felt like I hated you... what if I had shared the treasures I had tucked away, waiting for the perfect moment to crack open my chest and remind you that my heart beat only because of you.

Would that have convinced you to stay?

-LearningToLiveAndDream

[learningtoliveanddream11]

Sometimes when my heart aches the most, when every sunny days seem dreary and sweltering heat leaves me feeling cold, I like to write. Writing is sometimes a rekindling of feelings so distance I hardly remember what they were like. Other times it's like a purge, an outlet, for emotion that threatens to overcome me.