"You're the one that is naughty wanting that spicy bl when you have me right in front of you," Casper growls, nipping at your ear as he squeezes your sides and reaches out toward your hand holding your phone. "Give it here!"
You dropped your phone to which Casper caught it before it fell to the ground.
"Now, that's settled. Time for your punishment."
"What do you meAANN?!"
Casper tossed you onto the bed and straddled your hips, his red eyes glowing with a dangerous smirk on his face making you gulp as you tried to escape but Casper had you pinned down tightly.
"G-Grim! I-I..." you were at a loss for words as he started tapping his fingers on your belly making it quiver and you had to bite your lip from letting out any giggles. You knew he was going to be teasy tonight. "Caspeher! Let mehe go!"
"Oh, my lovely Sunshine~ You know I can't do that."
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!! Plehease!"
"Aww and now the little brat says sorry~" Casper coos, cupping your chin and carressing your cheek making your breath hitch as he trails his hand down and brushes your neck with a feather-light touch.
"Grihimmy! Anything but...that!"
"Hmm? Anything but what Sunshine?~" He started gliding his fingers ever so slightly down both your sides making you break out into a grin and your defenses starting to crack.
"Nohohoho!" You let out a giggly whimper.
"That doesn't answer my question you know."
Fuck, Casper is evil tonight.
"Dohon't make me say ihit! I'm begging youhu!"
Casper's eyes glowed even brighter at that, his smirk widening as he leaned down towards your ear, whispering.
"Sunshine~ Come on, tell me."
You shook your head, desperately trying to find a way out of your predicament. Your eyes were pleading but he didn't budge.
"I know you want to say it~" he drawled out in your ear, drawing light circles on your ribs. "Actually, I know you want me to do it."
Each word that left his lips made you unbearbly even more ticklish. His words. His teases. His presence. His touch. It was so much. Too much. You couldn't take it anymore.
"P-Please," you whispered. "T-Tickle me."
"Tsk, tsk. I know you can try harder than that. It's just one word~ How hard can it be?"
He started circling your navel and the overwhelming need to be tickled wracked through your body.
"Just tickle me! Please! Stop teasing me!"
Casper chuckled, the sound making your belly flip in anticipation.
"Look at you, so desperate to be t-i-c-k-l-e-d~ But this is a punishment, remember?"
The way he lazily smirked at you made you let out a whine.
"B-But, you can't! You can't just not tickle me!"
"But I am, Sunshine. And you can't do anything about it. I'm just going to lay here and trace your skin and you just have to lay there and take it like the good lee you are~"
(The burst of writing energy has left me and I kinda got carried away a bit at the end there with self indulgence 😅)
Summary: Kael (my persona) x Casper; Kael breaks down and talks with Casper about his life. Being vulnerable, if you will ;)
A/N: This is going to be a serious fic (with some cheer up tickles/tickles to prove a point). I hesitated to post this, but I really want you all to know more about me and what I’m going through. I would like you to read it since, as Casper said, “Why not write a fic to show the world how you're feeling? To subtly explain why you couldn't write the fics you wanted to write? To gift? Your writer's block? Your jealousy? And everything else you told me?” And this is what this fic is. Before you read the fic (if you want to), whether you are a new reader stumbling upon my fics or a follower of mine, I want to thank you for reading this far. And specifically to my community of friends and followers here on Tumblr, thank you from the bottom of my heart for making Tumblr, the tickle community, my home. And to my irl friends, if you ever stumble upon this fic, even though we rarely communicate, I am eternally grateful for the friendship we still have and the memories we shared. Without further ado, enjoy reading.
Word Count: 3454
Also on AO3!
—
“Kael, I heard that a mistletoe— What's wrong?”
I wiped the tears from my eyes rapidly, giving Casper a smile that didn't quite reach my eyes.
“I must be an ugly mess to you, huh?” I joked, trying to downplay everything.
“Kael, I know what you're doing, and it isn't going to work on me.”
“Do what?” I say, masking my panic and fear with a smile. He's going to find out. “I'm okay now, now that you're here,” I choke out, heart hammering in my chest and my surroundings suddenly going quiet. It's cold. All I can hear is just Casper’s voice and the voices in my head.
I'm just a burden to him. He won't love me anymore.
“Trying to hide your feelings from me.”
I'm going to be left behind, like what everyone did to me.
He squeezed my hand, and I looked up at him. He squeezed again, his eyes gleaming with concern, patient and reassuring.
“Kael, you can always tell me anything.”
The dam broke right then, and there, harsh sobs ripped through me as I leaned into Casper, hugging him tightly.
He widened his eyes in surprise, pulling me towards him and rubbing soothing circles on my back.
“It's okay. It's okay. I'm here, Sunshine. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere,” he softly spoke, making me cry even harder.
It was only after a few minutes that the waterworks started to lessen, and my breathing started to settle down, that Casper spoke up.
“Are you feeling better?”
“sniffles Yeah, I-I'm feeling better.”
“Deep breaths, okay?”
“O-Okay.”
I took in a few deep breaths, trying to calm down as Casper waited.
“I'm sorry you have to see me like this…I'm just a worthless person.”
“Kael, you aren't worthless or any of the negative things you say about yourself. You're the rays of sunlight that filter into my life. You're my whole world. Nothing about you is worthless.”
I nod, though his words didn't really reach me, and he could tell.
“What made you cry when I walked in?” he tried instead.
I tensed up at the question, scared of answering. I hated the feeling of confronting my problems and voicing them out loud. I'm the stable pillar that everyone relies on. That everyone expects to be perfect. I shouldn't have any problems.
I clenched at my chest, bunching up my clothing, wanting to make a smart remark, tell him to leave me alone. But then I look into his eyes, and the building rage in me suddenly vanished and was replaced with guilt.
He's only trying to help, and I'm getting mad at him. He's my lover too. It's unfair to him if I unleash my anger at him.
“Casper, I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry,” I start to cry again, tears forming. “I'm such a bad person. I-I shouldn't be this way.”
“Be what way, Kael?” He asked, knowing that trying to say everything's okay when it's not okay is not gonna help, as he gently combed my hair.
“This,” I gesture to myself as if he could understand. “This cycle of mine. I get triggered, feel pain and anger, and then clarity, which is where the logical part of my mind turns on and I realize how stupid, how-how terrible of a person I am, causing me to feel guilty before repeating all over again. That's why I avoided getting close to anyone; I knew that this was going to happen eventually. That doesn't mean I hated the times I spent with you! I didn't mean it to come out like that. If you want to break up with me, that's fi—”
“Kaelron, get a hold of yourself. I told you, I'm not going anywhere.”
He hugged me close, rubbing my head soothingly.
“I feel like I lost the creative part of my life, Grimmy,” I started once I felt ready to speak again. He nodded to let me know he was listening. “That spark. I feel that I have to please everyone now. Actually, it’s been that way for a while now, but it has been more apparent since I’ve been on Tumblr and in college. I feel…pressured to try to make something that everyone will enjoy, and if I don't get X amount of notes, it's a failure.”
“…Have you…ever thought back on why you wanted to write tickling in the first place?”
“…I...I wanted to write because it was fun. I…enjoyed it. It was a way to convey my own yearning, my desires.”
“What's stopping you from doing that now compared to before?”
I relaxed into Casper’s hold, getting more comfortable as I thought.
“As a writer starting out before, I had nothing to lose. I could write whatever I wanted, and I don't have to worry about whether or not people liked it or disliked it because it was what I wanted to write, and I'm in my own corner of the internet.”
“So, what changed?”
I think for a moment before replying.
“…There are just many people seeing my works now. And I just…I just don't want to scare them away. Or give them a reason to leave me when I explore new ideas.”
“Is that why you care so much about notes now?”
I look away shamefully and nod.
“It's like a measure of my skill to me now. I know it's not accurate, but what else can I go on? How do I know I'm doing well?”
“Do you like what you write?”
“Yeah, I love all my works I…write.”
“There was hesitation in your voice.”
“It’s that I've been trying to be more joking, teasing. Trying so hard to make sure tickle spots, techniques, wordings, etc., are not repetitive.”
“Why are you putting so many constraints on yourself?”
“Well, for one, it proved it works. You saw my work with My Honey, My Bee, and the fics that followed during that year. And reason two is, because writing characters like Xiao, Aether, Sethos, Scara, and the others…they're special to me. I want people to understand the universe I created in my head for them. It's…really all I have…to be able to be seen and recognized. For being lonely in real life, besides you, of course, and just having no one to talk to and keeping my ideas locked away, Tumblr became my outlet. It became my world for these ideas. And when I can't convey those ideas properly, I'm worthless. When people don't understand, I'm a failure. And the notes on my fics reflect that. How can I call myself a writer when I can't translate the chaos of thoughts in my mind into a readable sentence, much less a fic? And three, although not as direct but still related, is time. I'm scared of being irrelevant, to be forgotten as a creator when I don't post for a while. And right now, I feel like I already have fallen off.”
“Kael…”
“I just…I just want to create the best fics possible. I see all these great ideas in the world and great works from Mochii, Val, ppy, Ginny, Elian, Max, ticklygiggles, lovelynim, and more, and I feel terrible for not knowing ticklygiggles (Mia, I believe?) or lovelynim's (And is it Nim??) nicknames right now. But I just don't feel I can reach their level consistently. The detail they put into their work and the way that their work makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Seeing characters come to life and their own individual styles is awesome. I just…don't think I invoke that same feeling in others with my work.”
“Kaelron, in my immortal life as a Grim Reaper, there was one saying that I always encountered. ‘The creator will always be their own harshest critic.’ Or something along those lines. And you're being very harsh with yourself.”
“But it's justifi—”
“Have you seen your AO3 comments? What people say on Tumblr?”
“I do, and it's all positive, and I do believe it for a time, but then I just don't…believe my work is that good.”
“Kael, you put passion and love into your fics, and you thinking your ideas or latest fic is terrible doesn't change the fact that people like it in the long run. Sure, you don't have many notes when you just posted a fic, but that's supposed to happen. It doesn't make it terrible just because there are only one or two notes. You have to let it age like fine wine. And heck, you don't even need to look at the notes. You need to believe in yourself more. Trust in your own abilities. In my opinion, you create works that are on par with the creators you look up to. You,” he taps on my chest where my heart is, “haven't realized it yet. You're trying too hard to be like them and relying too much on what people think when you're great as you are already.”
“I get what you're saying, Caspy, but I just feel like I got lucky and— Wha!”
“Nine Hells,” Casper muttered as he flipped me onto my back, pinning my arms to my sides. “Fuck your imposter syndrome or whatever the hell is making you think this way. I want you to describe what you're feeling, right now, as you're pinned beneath me.”
“I…I,” I feel my mouth run dry as I stare up into his deep, majestic scarlet eyes, as I try to rack my brain for words. “I feel…anticipation, wanting to squirm and crawl away, but… gulp, the way you look at me gives me an excited feeling. I feel flustered beyond belief…b-but I love every second of it.”
“Good. And now this.”
He begins to trace random outlines over my belly, and I burst into giggles.
“Ihihit r-reheheally tihihickles and— Ahahaha! Grihihimmy! Hmm? Your t-tohohouches ahahare so sohoft and lihihight. I’m q-quivehehering just from yohohour fihihingeheher— ehehe, Cahahasper!”
“Better. How about what you want now?” he continues, adding another finger.
“Grihihim! Thihis ihihis embahaharrassing!” I try to tell him.
“I'm not going to stop until you tell me~”
I whine at that, opening my eyes that I didn't know I squeezed shut, and seeing Grimmy smiling down at me made me even more ticklish.
“I-I gehehet morehe t-tihicklish ahahas tihihime passes. Ahahaha! I wahahant mohohore tihihickles a-and tohoho be teheheased. I feel my heheheart skihihip a beheat as you cohohontinue. Ihihit’s an addihihictive feelihihing.”
“Wonderful. Or should I say,” he leans downward whispering into my ear. “Good boy~”
I squeak at that, giggling some more before I yelp, and laughter starts pouring out of me.
“CAHAHAS—”
“You're such an adorable little thing~ Look at you squirm and melt into my touch~”
“THAHAHAT'S NOHOHOT FAHAHAIR!” I cry out, feeling more flustered.
“I'll stop once you tell me what you're feeling one more time.”
“IHIHIT’S A MADDENING SEHEHENSATION! P-PLEHEHEHEASE! GRIHIHIM!”
“Go on, Kael~ I know there’s more than that. I'll even help you, coochie coochie coo~”
“BWAHAHAHAHA! THEHEHE TEHEHEASES AREHEHE EHEHEVIL BUHUHUT MAHAKE MEHEHE HAHAHAPPY! I-IHIHIT’S LIHIHIKE TIHIHIHICKLISH SPAHAHARKS ARE GOHOHOING TO MY BRAHAIN! IHIHI WAHANT MOREHEHE BUHUT I AHAHALSO WAHAHANT IHIHIT TO STOHOHOHOP!”
“Ahh, you're so cute, my mortal.”
Casper eventually stops, but not without a few more squeezes to my side and whispered teases.
“Thahahat wahahas mehehehean!” I whine, covering my face with my hands now that he let me go.
“You liked it though~”
To that, I responded with another whine.
“But in all seriousness, though,” he continued. “Do you see it now? You were able to describe the feelings you were having while being tickled, the sensations, everything. You are capable of making a fantastic fic, you always have been.”
I think for a moment and nod, “You’re right…”
“You don’t sound sure. Do I need to tickle you some more?”
“No! I-I got it!” I giggled, putting my hands up defensively. “I’ll try to believe in myself more.”
“Good boy.”
“C-Casper! Stop saying thattttt!” I whine, covering my face.
“You are so weak to teases, it’s so adorable.”
“Casssss.”
“Though mortal,” Casper goes all serious once more. “I sense that there’s one more thing plaguing your mind.”
The smile on my face falls away before looking to the side and at our center table in the living room.
“How do you know?”
“Just call it a Grim Reaper sense.”
I chuckle before turning back to him and pulling him into my arms, cuddling him.
“You remember I talked about Mochii and the others, right?”
“Mhmm.”
“Yeah, so, even though I admire and look up to them, I sometimes, actually most of the time, get…jealous.”
“Jealous? Why?”
I curl further into Casper’s warmth, my voice getting muffled.
“I haven’t posted a lot since I started my third year of college, and just seeing them post things makes me feel like I’m falling behind or being forgotten. And I get…angry. More at myself, but I will admit a sliver is at them, but they never did anything wrong, and that makes me feel guiltier. They don’t deserve that. Like how I just got mad at you initially before it fell away. It was unfair to you, as it is unfair to them. That's why I don't hop on Tumblr a lot anymore because it hurts to see others doing what I love better than I could.”
Kael got mad at me? When? When we were talking earlier? How did I not notice? He’s really a master at hiding his emotions.
Casper thought to himself as he patted my back to calm me.
“Have you ever talked to anyone about this besides me?”
“…”
“Kael?”
“…n-no.”
“Why not?”
“It's because I don’t want to lash out in rage. So…I keep my feelings buried. I avoid…talking about myself to anyone. Especially the ones closest to me. It’s also because I’m scared of what they’ll think of me. The ones I look up to and love…turning their back on me and n-never looking back… That’s…what scares me…like I mentioned before. Being left alone. Left behind. Abandoned…”
I lightly cry into his chest as he hugs me tighter and kisses my forehead.
“I just want to talk to my friends either irl or on Tumblr, but sometimes they don’t end up responding, and that makes me anxious. Logically, I know they’re busy, but the other side of my brain goes thinking that they’re ignoring me or I’m being annoying, so I just never reach out or follow up. And then when they do reach out, I feel guilty, and it’s just this cycle all over again.”
“Kael.”
“Yeah—ahahaha!? Cahahahsper?!”
“You really need to stop overthinking, and we need to work on your self-confidence.”
“Hehehey! Lehehet mehehe behehehe sahahahad!” I tried to protest, only to cackle when Grimmy hit a sensitive spot.
“I'm not letting you stay sad. You've been suffering long enough.”
“You'rehehe mahaking mehe sufferer morehehe—EYAHAHAHA! WAIT! GAHAHAHA!”
“You are a stubborn brat, you know.”
Casper stopped after a while as I took in gulps of air.
“I know it's going to take a lot of change to get into that thick skull of yours,” Casper started. “to get you to stop overthinking and have more self-confidence, to be able to enjoy your friends’ work. And you opening up after all these years is a big step.”
He paused, rubbing our noses together and giving me a kiss before continuing.
“Just keep talking with Mochii, Val, Cardd, and reach out to other members of the tickle community when you're ready, or they might reach out to you too. And try to go back on Tumblr and look at your favorite blogs again. Don't overthink, though, Kael. Just enjoy what you see.”
I nod, “Okayyy.”
We cuddled some more until a ding from my phone interrupted us.
“I'll get it,” Casper says, and I run my hands over his muscles and abs as he reaches over to the nearby table.
“Where do you think you're touching?” he asks, amused and handing me my phone.
“You're just so sexy, and I can't get enough of you.”
“Heh, I know~ You do moan my name every time we—”
“Casper!” I pout, slapping his chest.
He just giggles softly, putting his head on my shoulder as he watches me navigate my phone.
“It's Cardd, Mochii, Val, and…ppy?” I murmur.
As I read through the messages, Casper can see a soft smile spreading across my face.
(Thanks for the birthday gift my friend...)
(Your fic also made my morning, so cute. Thank you again 🥺)
(if you really plan to write this, that's amazing! and please, don't rush)
(Thank you so much for the mimo ❤️❤️❤️❤️)
“See, Kael?” he spoke gently. “You didn't have to worry about anything. They're still your friends, and they haven’t abandoned you, and you’re making new ones too. Your followers are right by your side, too, no matter how long you're gone for.”
“Yeah, you're right,” I look back at Casper with a gleeful smile that showed in my eyes. Something that catches Grimmy off guard. It was a smile that he hadn't seen in a while, but he’s glad it's back.
“Why don't you write a fic about everything we talked about?”
“Are you sure? It's something that I don't think people would—”
“Do you want people to understand how you're feeling?”
“…I do but—”
“Kael, you put so much pressure on yourself to craft the perfect and bestest fic to please others. But no one knows that pressure besides me. Why not write a fic to show the world how you're feeling? To subtly explain why you couldn't write the fics you wanted to write? To gift? Your writer's block? Your jealousy? And everything else you told me? Put it down into words and have people read them. So, they can understand you. So you don't feel alone.”
He rubs reassuringly on my back.
“Sometimes, you need to express the hurt coming from here,” he rubs the spot where my heart is. “To be able to move forward.”
I let his words sink in before letting out a soft smile.
“I…I will write that fic.”
“That's my Sunshine.”
He ruffles my hair lovingly, giving me a kiss on the cheek before heading to the kitchen.
“Oh, by the way. Make sure to add me as the sexiest Grim Reaper that you are so down bad for~,” he teases, shooting me a wink.
“Shut up,” I laugh, giving him a playful glare before writing only two words when my brain finally clicks that Casper is in the kitchen.
“Casper!”
As I sprinted to the kitchen and giggles and squeaks filtered into the living room, my cursor was left flashing after the words I had written:
Being Vulnerable
—
Bonus:
“About that mistletoe thing—”
“Let’s do it.”
“I didn’t even complete my sentence!”
“I know all about the mistletoe things and kissing and all that, and I want it all, with you.”
“You are a greedy mortal, you know that?”
“I’ve probably been told that one or two times by a certain reaper~”
Casper shook his head fondly before hanging a mistletoe on the kitchen doorway.
“Now—”
I didn’t even let him finish his sentence before I jumped at him and wrapped my legs around him as he held me from the butt.
“Mmn~”
“Mmmm~”
We shared a passionate kiss for a few moments before we had to break apart for air, a line of spit connecting each of our lips before breaking.
“Hah, y-you’re pretty eager,” Casper panted.
“You haah have no idea,” I grinned. “Another one?”
“How can I refuse?”
Our lips met again, and this time it was more spicy, and as we were about to get to the tongue sucking…
“Do you smell smoke?”
“Oh shit! The food!”
“Casper!”
“Why are you blaming me?! You were in the kitchen, so it’s as much your fault too!”
“You have a point! But, you’re still wrong!”
The two of us scrambled to turn off the stove and pull the burning food from it.
“…”
“…”
“Pfft, hahaha!”
“Kael?! What arehe youhu— Stohop! You're mahaking mehe laugh too!”
We giggled our butts off before falling into full-blown laughter and then eventually calming down.
“Ohoehe,” I giggled out, the last of my giggles fading as I looked at Casper with a smile.
“I love you.”
He looked back at me, leaning forward and smiling back at me.
“I love you too.”
And we kissed, a soft, barely there kiss before knocking our heads together and doing it again…and again…and again.
You and Casper playing manhunt in the dark, and you found an amazing hiding spot ( were you eyeballing it while seeking? Definitely, but that doesn't matter hehe~ ) You end up giggling about him never finding you, maybe a little too loudly.. as your hiding spot is found, and you're face to face with a mischievous grin.
"Your hiding spot was good... but couch cushions don't giggle, darling~" He coos, beginning to sloooowwwwllly trace his fingers up to your sides, ribs, poking at your armpits, then drilling his thumb into your hip with one hand while the other claws your tummy " Aren't you just the giggliest boy?~ Hm, maybe I'll start calling you Mister Giggles!"
That's it, enjoy thinking about that, Mister Giggles~
